Prayers Please!

A few things we need prayer for...

1. We have some decisions to make within the next couple of months about TTC. Dr. Awesome is going on maternity leave in Jan. which means we need to decide whether or not to go back on cycle plans  before then.

2. Someone in my family tried to commit suicide a few days ago. This is the second time in the past few months that this has happened and it's two different people! A lot of our IF suffering is offered up for the generational healing in my family, there is a lot of traumatic stuff that has gone on that goes back generations. The worst part is that I feel like there is nothing I can do to help, except pray.

3. I caught a cold and there is a lot of work that I need to do this weekend w/ regards to Creighton. I have an Intro. Session on Fri., networking on Sat. @ some events and I wanted to drive up to EPI to meet the new interns on Sunday.

4. We are looking for a new primary care Dr. because the one we have now sucks. We switched our insurance to a PPO so we wouldn't have to go to him anymore. Pray we find a good Dr. for me and my husband.

If you get to our blog through our Facebook  please don't comment directly on our Facebook for privacy reasons for that family member. I purposefully did not put this post on our FB for that reason. Thank you in advance for your prayers!

Green w/ Envy

Here are some pictures of our new dining room table! The color is called Lucky Shamrock which is appropriate because we have a strong desire to go to Ireland someday. I still plan on doing a design on the trim but for now I like it plain.

 

 

 

 

 

I was thinking about why I was so obsessed with getting a new table and painting it because our old table is really nice. The conclusion I came up with besides the fact that I needed a creative outlet was that this is my version of getting to decorate a nursery. We did not get to meet our little one and I did not get to do the fun shopping trips for baby things. So buying a "new" table from salvation army and painting it allows me to fill that need without spending a lot of money. Plus our old table was rectangular and too big for just the two of us for everyday and I really wanted a round table.  

I noticed that there is a feeling of jealousy that I have had towards my friends that have children. The baby showers that they have gotten to have or 1st Christmases with their babies, I want that. Sometimes jealousy creeps up when I least expect it and I don't notice it until later when I am reflecting on my time spent with them. The thought process usually goes like this "why was I so annoyed with ______ today? I always have fun with her/them." Then I realize that the green eyed monster has crept in. I don't like being jealous of other people especially because I don't want to ruin my friendships but there is always going to be a hint of it. When you have miscarried and/or have been dealing with infertility you can not help but want what others have, even if you have gotten to a place of peace and are docile to God's will; we are human.

Confession has been very healing in dealing with these inclinations towards jealousy. I have also learned the difference between jealousy and longing for children of my own, 99% of the time it is not jealousy because I don't want my friend's children, I want my children. I have never really brought it up with my fertile friends because I don't think that they would understand nor do I want them to be in a position where they feel guilty when they are around me or worse, they don't want to tell me that they are pregnant. I want them to have children! I wish nobody had to deal with IF or miscarriage.

Green is a color associated with many things including envy but for me it is the color of my awesome table. Green has been my favorite color since I was a kid, it is my go to color. It is also a color that I associate with our little one that we lost to miscarriage, because it would have probably been the color of a lot of our nursery stuff. Green is a color that symbolizes life, growth, and nature.

I had dinner with one of my good friends tonight and I was telling her that I am so ready to live and not just stay in this stagnant place of doing things and not really going anywhere. There are so many questions that we do not have answers to, and it can be so easy to just wait for the answers and do nothing. We are moving forward and deciding to live our life as we wait for the answers. A way we are going to do that is by actually contacting the adoption and foster agencies this week. Ahh! The first call or email is always the hardest so please keep us in your prayers.          

Shalom

Among the many meanings of the word shalom, one is peace. I sign my emails and text messages with Shalom and we even have a wooden plaque on our front door from Israel with the words Shalom on it. My husband has more of a peaceful and calming presence to him than I do, so he has definitely brought peace to my life and person.

Since the miscarriage I have not been at peace and have been dealing with a lot of inner turmoil and anxiety. The anxiety got worse when my husband was seriously injured at work back in June and was hospitalized for a few days. I almost had a nervous breakdown when he had to stay at the hospital and I had to go home alone at night. Even my husband has been less at peace because of his injury and recovery on top of us having to deal with my health issues. When he went back to work in August after his recovery we went through some separation anxiety from each other. I was worried about him while he was at work and he was worried about me and my out of control hypoglycemia.

We have had a traumatic year so far and have clinged to each other through it. I know that we have been giving every situation to God including our health and our fertility but I have still felt a lot of anxiety about things. During Mass I have prayed that we continue to carry our crosses and unite ourselves to Jesus in his sufferings, we have also prayed for people in our families and for God to heal the generational sins in our families.

Despite doing all these things, I have still not felt peace. So a couple of weeks ago at a women's group we were discussing what virtue we think we most need right now and I said peace. I find it funny that I would pick peace not realizing that it is not a virtue I can work towards it is a gift from God. Since my nature is to try and do things as perfectly as possible it is odd that I would pick something that I really don't have that much control over. I can only ask God for peace and wait; which reminds me of a Mumford & Sons song called I will Wait.

So this weekend I realized that I was more calm and peaceful about things even though it would have been prime time to not be because of PMS and CD1 coming soon. I got to paint all day on Saturday while my husband was working. There were a couple of places I could have gone like exercising w/ my SIL or to a bridal shower but instead I wanted to be alone to paint. It was not a brooding kind of day where I wanted to sulk or anything, it was a reflective day. As I was painting I was reflecting on our struggles w/ IF, the miscarriage, my relationships with people that have become strained and awkward, my marriage and how it is not what I ever expected, my internship, needing to get more clients, conquering the world with NFP, our foster care/adoption questions, and how I don't have confidence that my body can actually carry a child to term.

Instead of getting anxious about everything which is what I would usually do, there was a calming peace that I felt. It was incredible! I have no idea what the next year of our lives will be like and we don't necessarily have a concrete plan either; foster care/adoption, another surgery, going back on cycle plans w/ Dr. Awesome, and looking into buying a house are all on the discussion table. There is so much prayer and discernment that we are doing but I am not anxious about any of these things, well maybe the possibility of another surgery makes me a bit anxious. Peace in each situation and abandonment to God and His will are difficult in any situation but it is especially hard when dealing w/ IF. Instead of fighting the pain, anger, and frustration we just need to experience it for what it is.

This feeling of peace has not left me yet and I thank God that He is giving me this peace. I will take this wave and ride it for as long as I can! This peace has given me a chance to be more thankful for what I do have. I have an amazing God who loves me unconditionally and a husband who loves God and me. During this time of not having children we have been able to make our marriage a high priority so that when we are blessed with children we will hopefully be better parents. We are able to go to adoration together whenever we want or hang out with our friends on short notice. I can paint all day on a Saturday or schedule my follow-ups with clients without having to worry about someone watching the kids. This probably all sounds like we have a very selfish life but we don't. Our desire for children is still strong but we are not anxious about it as much as we were. I am thankful God has given us peace while we wait, for now.

Here is the bible verse that correlates with this gift of peace
Philippians 4:7... 



What do you eat?!

Some people have asked me what the heck I eat since my diet is so restricted right now. So I think I will post about food from time to time. This was my dinner yesterday...

Salad with Asian Dressing, yum! Asian Dressing recipe from www.joybeyondthecross.blogspot.com modified to be g-free and Candida detox friendly.

Sweet and Sour Chicken from a g-free cookbook, again modified to be Candida friendly. It was actually super easy!

I have about a month and a half to go with the detox/cleanse and I can't believe I have made it this far. Praise God for His mercy and the fact that I actually like veggies!

I fixed my blog so that anyone can comment, I think it was set to only registered bloggers. So if you are getting this from our Facebook feed you can now comment directly on here.

The In Crowd

For most of my life I have not been apart of any clicks or stayed in one social group. When I was in elementary and Jr. high I was an awkward deep thinking kid who loved to read and hated playing sports. I have always been a little shy when first meeting people but if you get me talking about things I love I won't shut up which can be annoying. I am a melancholic/choleric and no one likes hanging out with a melancholic/choleric. Everyone always loves the fun and crazy sanguine or the laid back and chill phlegmatic(which my husband happens to be). I have never been part of the in crowd but I have had people who are part of the in crowd take me under their wing because of my shy nature. Once they figure out that I am part choleric and very flawed they would usually distance themselves.

In high school I was in various clubs to figure out what I really liked and not to overstay my welcome. When I was on NET ministries I was an outsider there too because my views were too black and white at times for many of my team mates. Plus I did not like being forced to bond with people that I had only known for a short period of time. Don't get me wrong, I loved each and every one of my team mates even the ones that were way different from me. I learned a lot through each one of them and they each showed me areas that I needed to grow in.

Infertility has made me feel like more of an outsider than I have ever felt in my whole life. For my body not to be able to do the thing it was created for is just so awkward. Most of my cousins have been able to have children and most of them don't want anymore. A lot of my friends who are married and around our age have children, all of my team mates from NET that are married have children. There are constant facebook pregnancy announcements or posts about pregnancy symptoms or cute pictures of friends' children. There are times when I want to put every pregnant woman on an island so I don't have to see them. Hey don't judge me, I would never do it! I do really rejoice in a new life it is just hard sometimes.

Then I went from infertility to a miscarriage, which is not the transition I would have chosen. When people ask if we have any children I am always hesitant to answer, I hate that question. My husband is better at coming up with the answer than I am. There have been baby showers, baptisms and kids birthday parties that we have skipped.  I will not go to any women only baby showers because it  has been too painful. You might be thinking this is a bit extreme but if you have never gone through infertility or miscarriage you would not understand. Now we are in the category of not TTC for medical reasons and it is tough. Sometimes I want to throw away my chart and not know anything but I know I can not do that. I am one of the few women who NEED to be charting so that I know when to take my progesterone and to make sure my body is getting back to "normal". Thankfully my husband does the charting and sometimes I have to ask him "what CD are we on?"   

There has been an amazing sisterhood that I feel when I meet a woman who is going through similar situations. I love it that these women get it and don't offer me advice on how to get pregnant, tell me to relax/go on vacation, tell me how their great aunt's daughter started the process of adoption and then got pregnant, expecting that to happen for us or offer me one of their children jokingly. I know people are trying to help and don't like seeing us suffer but that is where we are at sometimes. Our friends or family can not wipe away our situation. There is an instant connection with an IFer of understanding, compassion and prayer support. You suddenly feel less crazy and more accepted for where you are at. I know that I can not fix an IFers situation either and all I can do is pray for God's will.

I did not think I would be a part of the IF crowd but I have met the most courageous and holy women through this journey. These women are so holy and are filled with such grace, they are my heroes! They are the spiritual mothers that JPII talks about in his letter to women, Mulieris Dignitatem. Their courage and hope gives me courage and hope. I love the Body of Christ and how we are all connected! 

On a lighter note I think we chose the paint color for our dining room table. The color is called.... Lucky Shamrock! It was between a color in the blue or green family. We decided the blue did not work because our plates are white and cobalt blue and thought that it would be too matchy. Plus green is my favorite color, pictures to come soon :)                   

Quick Takes

This is my first attempt @ Quick Takes so here it goes....

1. We went to a pro-life gala for a local pregnancy help center about a week ago and one of the actresses from the movie October Baby was the key note speaker. It was at USC and there was so much traffic to get there, of course the beauty of L.A. It was a beautiful event and we got to dress up, my husband wore his new suit that was his birthday gift from me. It just reaffirmed our commitment to being pro-life even more so and that our niche in the pro-life movement looks different from your average prol-lifer. We do not go in front of the clinics to pray or protest, neither do we counsel women in crisis pregnancies. We have decided not to do these things for my own psychological well being. I remember praying in front of an abortion clinic one time and I could not handle it and that was before I was even married and trying to start a family. We support the pregnancy centers with donations and NFP training/info. that is where we found we best fit in the pro-life world.

2. This past friday we went to our Theology of the Body study group. We have been going to this group for at least six years. We read one audience together a month, we used to do it twice a month but we all got busier over the years. It was nice to see our friends and we were pretty good about staying on topic. Sometimes we will go on tangents and talk about other things if its just a few of us. This group has been such a blessing to us as we started going to it when my husband was courting me. Now all the regulars are married and one of them has their fifth baby on the way! It is so good to be amongst people who are striving to be better human beings :)

3. Today at Latin High Mass there was an older woman who sat in front of us that reminded me of my great-grandmother(or little grandma as she is known in my family) who died in 2006. Her veil was exactly like one of my little grandma's and her mannerisms were similar. I almost cried during the creed when we sang "I confess one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. And I await the resurrection of the dead. And the life of the world to come. Amen." My little grandma was such a great example of faith to me and she loved Mass and the Rosary. She encouraged me when I told her I was discerning to be a nun and she prayed for me. We also had an Eduardo Verastugui citing at Mass today. I love it when I see Catholic celebrities who are not afraid to practice their faith.

4. The weather has been so nice and cool! Its a drastic change from what it has been the past month. I even got to wear my cowboy boots recently.

5. Finally, I started working on a project. We bought a round dining room table from the thrift store for super cheap. I plan on painting it a bright color and we are leaning toward a shade of green. I have been needing to let out some of my creativity lately and have felt a bit stifled because I have not, so this project is a prefect way to do that.

 Here is the table... 

 

 

And here are the color choices...

 

 

 

Happy Sunday and feast of Our Lady of the Rosary! 



  

Practitioner

Happy Feast of St. Therese of Lisieux! It is October 1st and it is 104 degrees out here! I hope this heat goes away soon because I hate the heat and I love the chilly weather of fall and winter. This weather makes me miss the Midwest with its changing leaves and cool temperatures.

I have not talked much about my internship and I thought I would fill y'all in on how its going. Well it has been tough lately I have assignments that are due that I should be doing right now but I am not. To say that this internship has challenged me would be an understatement. There have been times that I want to stop the program and not do it anymore because it takes time away from my family.  I usually see clients in the evening and on Saturdays when people are more available and my husband works early in the mornings so he needs to go to sleep by 9pmish, so our time together is limited when I have follow-ups. I am not a very good long distance learner at all! Most of my communication with my supervisor is over the phone or via email and that does not work well with my learning style.

Despite all the challenges I know that God is calling me to be a practitioner. I am so humbled by the fact that my clients allow me to be part of their lives, especially with such a sensitive topic. I love working with each of them and they each have helped me to grow as a practitioner and a human being.

A huge reason I went into the program was because our practitioner is so awesome. When we first met our practitioner we were not sure we wanted to do the whole Creighton thing because we had previously done sympto-thermal and liked it. The only reason we went to Creighton was because our ob/gyn said we needed to. We soon found out that our practitioner's temperament was matched well with ours, before marriage she wanted to be a Carmelite just like my husband and I. She has been compassionate and understanding of our situation and a listening ear about our frustrations with infertility. At the follow-up after we miscarried she was so gentle in the way she handled the pregnancy evaluation and I was so thankful for that because I was a mess. She is the one who encouraged me to enter the program and encourages me to keep going. She has been such a blessing to us and I want to be a blessing to my clients. I want to walk with my clients through frustrating situations as they learn or rejoice with them when they achieve a pregnancy or get answers they have been searching for or weep with them through their trials.

Another reason I know I am called to be a practitioner is because I have seen so much craziness in my charts that I know I can help other women figure out theirs. I love seeing the light bulb go on in my clients when they start to connect the dots with their charts. It is such a gift to be able to understand the mystery of our body more and I love when my clients get it. I feel like they become more confident in themselves as a woman and in their femininity and the husbands will have this new appreciation for their spouse.

I know that I am going to have more challenges ahead not just with the work but with the clients but as long as I keep on the little path like St. Therese I know that my tiny efforts will make a difference.