I have been...
I have noticed I have not been treating myself well these past couple weeks. Since doing the blood testing and learning of my diagnosis I have been seeing myself as less than. I told ya this is hitting on my self esteem and The Lord wants to address this head on. This is opening up a deep wound that needs more healing. I thought I had gotten past a lot of this stuff of acceptance and had peace. I did for the most part but the peace and acceptance I need to have is not with a situation but it's with myself. Can I accept myself for who I am, genetic mutation and all? Can I really? Can I allow myself to sit with this, sit with myself whatever emotions come what may?
Some of you may be thinking "Kat, it's just a genetic mutation that is treatable. There are lots of women who have had successful pregnancies with this. What's the big deal?!" This is where the big deal lies it's out of my control, there is nothing I did to deserve this, it's in my genes and there is nothing I could've done to prevent it. Instead of that giving me peace it hit me on a self esteem level. I don't talk much about my father because he wasn't in my life much. He pretty much cheated on every woman he was ever with and I have siblings on my father's side who I haven't met yet. I barely met my sister when I was 21 and found out about her when I was 15 or 16. When your father leaves you when you are a small child or was never there in the first place there is always a part of you that thinks "perhaps if I was good enough or a better daughter I could've made him stay or change his ways." The father wound runs so deep that I don't believe it could ever be fully healed this side of heaven. There are just deeper ways that this healing comes at different times. I had made major strides in this healing before I got married and during the first couple years of marriage.
After speaking with my Dr., confessor and JJ it became very evident that I need some time to allow God to heal this part of the wound. Side note: It was so cool to talk about God with my general practice Dr. and it didn't feel at all awkward! I know my deeper motives that last few weeks for my actions have not been out of genuine charity, it has been out of pride and wanting to be "good enough" for others. I need to reflect on my worth in Christ and not for what I can/can't do. I need to know that I am worth being around because I am me. It was so good to see my family on Thanksgiving my aunts and cousins said how good it was to have us/me there. I don't see my family often because of work schedules mostly but it was so good to be there and be myself, the introverted Catholic that I am, and be accepted for who I am.
So my theme for this Advent is "self care" which sounds so selfish to me as this is the season I should be giving so much more than I do. No "self care" doesn't mean watching tv and drinking hot chocolate all the time, although that sounds awesome, it is more about drawing closer to God. Reaching out more for the sacraments, wearing my veil to Mass, journaling and less time online are all in order for me the next few weeks. The closer we draw to God's eternal flame of Love the more our wounds become illuminated. At first this hurts but it is worth the hurt to grow and become who we ought to be. I will be praying for my Advent prayer buddy a lot this season! Happy Advent y'all!
"If you are what you should be, you will set the whole world on fire!" -St. Catherine of Siena