John 12:24

We all don't like to get unsolicited advice from people especially if we just spent time pouring our heart out to them. While I was in Alabama I asked for some advice from a woman named G who has been married about 20yrs. and they were never able to have children of their own. They got married when they were in their early forties and knew that they might not have children, even knowing this they were still disappointed. I asked her "how do you do it? How do you live or start to live your life knowing that children won't be a part of it the way you had hoped?" G explained to me that she didn't get too wrapped up in the disappointment or TTC she just lived her life with her husband. She said she poured her maternal instincts into her nieces, nephews, godchildren and children that God put before her to take care of. They never looked into foster care or adoption because it didn't really cross their mind. G told me to not give up hope that I will be a mother to a child here on earth someday and that it's all in God's hands and His timing. G told me to love my goddaughter and get to know her more, to pour my maternal instincts into loving her. Overall I left the conversation with G feeling very blessed and refreshed in hope!

Another scenario that happened while I was in AL was a woman who I have known since I was a teenager showed me a picture of someone I had gone to youth group with, in the picture she was holding her healthy baby that looked about 6months old. This woman knows our struggle very well and I asked why she was showing me this picture especially since the woman in the picture was not really a friend. She asked if I knew that the Drs. told the mother that the baby was not developing properly and would need surgery upon delivery if the baby had survived. She said they had a lot of people praying for the baby and when the baby was born she was fine, no surgery needed. I said I had known the story, puzzled the woman asked if something was wrong. Due to my post peak PMS bravery I told her that it is so hard sometimes to see pictures and hear stories of "miracle" babies when we don't know if that will ever happen for us. We don't know if God is promising us children now or in the future, that is what we are trying to discern. She seemed taken aback by my honesty and still confused as to why I would not find this story comforting. Believe me I am happy for this woman and that her baby is healthy but I left this conversation feeling like I was broken.

I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me because of IF but I do want to inform people that IF is no easy road where it is just peaches and sunshine as you wait and trust in God. The encouragement that they are trying to give you can call attention to the wound when you were not even thinking about it or leave you feeling like you are not doing enough. IF is a fight, a wrestling, a struggle, an inner war and an uphill battle as you try and make sense of the situation and then on top of that to try to follow God's will. You can't just wish or pray your IF away, which is super frustrating because believe me I have tried! Even if a beautiful healthy pregnancy occurs or an adoption takes place it does not magically make you "fixed" now or give you joy. Will you be happy? Of course, but it will not erase the pain that you endured and could still endure from the years of IF and/or miscarriage.

Now I have heard these lines of encouragement from people many times before "it's all in God's timing" or "its not God's will yet" or"you should relax and go on vacation, that's when it will happen" or "it will happen for you I just know it" and it would always frustrate me because I thought that the person didn't understand what I was trying to say, they didn't understand the pain and hurt I was in. So I would always brush off their advice or words of "encouragement" I would especially brush them off if they had children and had not gone through IF or miscarriage. It is very easy to dismiss those who "just don't understand." A lot of the times I would hold bitterness in my heart about their comments and warn myself never to share our struggles with those people again. It is very easy to turn inward and become bitter from IF and miscarriage.

Oh miscarriage, it.is.so.hard and I feel like my life changed forever the day that I started to miscarry. I no longer looked at our journey with a wave of hope, instead I saw a wave of disappointment that would continue for quite some time. I turned inward and started to guard my heart even closer, closing myself off from forming new or closer bonds with friends w/children or staying away from babies as much as possible. Part of this was a natural part of grief and part of it was self-pity. I turned inward in grief only revealing my true feelings to God alone, I barely started sharing some of these details with JJ. Then while in AL God gave me a glorious opportunity to share my heart with my husband. I let him in on the pain I experienced last year, he knew most of it but there was still stuff I was holding back. God convicted me while I was in AL of self-pity and many other things. It was such a wonderful release to lay it all down with Jesus and allow Him to start to heal those wounds from losing Cecilia. God did a wonderful thing to start to heal my motherly heart that was in so much pain.

I started to feel guilty about all the thoughts and feelings I had last year and then I realized that it was all part of a necessary process. It was all part of the process of grief. The day we were leaving for AL we got to have a private Mass in our Carmelite friars private chapel w/ one of the priests that was going with us. The Mass was at 3:30am as we had to be at the airport by 5am, so God gave us the grace to wake up for it. It was such a beautiful Mass and my Carmelite heart was so happy! This line from the gospel for that morning was very poignant for me and it kind of became my theme for the trip:

"Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit." John 12:24

It's kind of cryptic I know, but it really stood out to me, unless I die I will not produce fruit. Does that mean physically die? What do I need to give up? This got me thinking and journaling about this gospel verse. During one of my holy hours in AL I let my mind wonder on this subject...

I certainly felt like I died last year when we miscarried and JJ had his horrible accident at work. I felt like God was stripping everything that I loved away and I felt like death was ever before me. As a melancholic I think I am going to die all the time or the people I love most will. The gloomy outlook is something I am used to dealing with but last year was something different, death became really real. I always knew that my family, friends and I would die someday but suddenly my life became a real journey toward one end, heaven. To get to heaven we must die. Sorry to make this post so morbid it gets better I promise!

I started to think of this pang that I feel in my heart from IF and losing Cecilia. It gets better where you don't always think about it but it is still there always, like chronic pain you learn to live with. Then I thought this is kind of like the stigmata that some of the saints had. Now I am not comparing myself to some great saint but it reminded me that those saints had this special painful thing about them that kept them in constant union with Christ and His sufferings. This pain allowed them to constantly remember that their ultimate goal was Heaven and their life was naturally ordered toward Christ.

Then I realized that I would rather go to Heaven than have children. Not that children are evil or anything like that but that I need to NOT make children an idol before God. I need to stop turning inward and start turning outward toward others especially JJ. I need to not hold back love from humanity by saving it for my children that are not even here yet or my child who is not here on earth. I need to open up my heart more to those around me, keeping some boundaries obviously. I need to not just brush off people who are fertile or don't understand me. I need to not think my pain and cross are bigger and heavier than everybody else's. I need to realize that infertility and PCOS are just medical diagnoses I have, they are NOT who I am. All in all I just need to get over myself! This is not to say that I will be happy go lucky and the ever optimist, that's just not me or that the pains of IF will not effect me anymore. It is to say that I don't want to just remain a "grain of wheat" anymore I want God to take me to places I never thought possible. I am ready to bear some fruit  ;)

I will leave you with a song that has been my theme song this summer. It is kind of long but well worth the listen.  

Open to Life...

Alright y'all you knew this was coming, I am a little late but in honor of NFP awareness week I wanted to write some post about Natural Family Planning! First off I have to say I dislike the name NFP but I use it because no one has come up with anything better. I would rather use a phrase like fertility awareness or pro-life fertility care or something along those lines. Since there is not a better name for it I will just call it NFP, for now ;)  This lovely blogger Amy wrote a wonderfully wise post on this subject awhile back. Some of my sentiments for the name come from my thoughts about how uncomfortable I am with the way NFP is touted among some circles as the most important Church teaching or every Catholic couple must use NFP at some point in their marriage or you are required to chart some NFP method before you get married. Don't get me wrong I think a proper catechesis about marriage and family needs to be required for marriage prep. and I highly recommend charting an NFP method before you get married. This catechisis would include the Church's teaching on human sexuality and why the Church does not condone the use of contraceptives. So as you can see I am not against NFP I just think it is secondary to the real issue which is proper catechisis! 

I think the "planning" in NFP has not worked out for us. If it were up to us we would have at least two children by now, so our "planning" with NFP hasn't worked out. I think by using the word planning we have given a false sense to couples that they have complete control over their fertility at least that is the way some NFP promoters make it sound, which makes NFP sound like the "catholic contraception." This is not just in my head ya know, I once had a fellow parishioner call me because she wanted to help out with NFP ministry. She met with me so I could get a feel for where she was at. I came to learn that she thought NFP meant that you just don't use hormonal contraceptives but you could still use a condom and withdrawal. Her point of view was that her and her husband can do whatever they want because they were planning their family naturally by not using hormonal contraceptives. Needless to say she did not end up helping with the ministry after our meeting but I did dialogue with her and gave her a proper catechisis. I encouraged her to learn an NFP method but she said her husband wouldn't be open to it. I have come across many couples who have this misconception.  

I want to give some background on my journey with NFP. I first heard of the Catholic Church's teaching against contraception when I was a junior in HS. Before that I knew I was against abortion from a very young age. I had a teacher Ms. K in jr. high that really shaped my opinion about how wrong abortion was, she was one of those "crazy" pro-lifers that went to pray in front of an abortion clinic every week. To this day I am so thankful for her witness to me and letting me turn my simple 6th grade persuasion/advertisement speech into an anti-abortion speech. I could tell as the rest of my peers were trying to sell a new product with their speeches that they didn't get what I was saying.

 Alas I was ahead of my time but I remember feeling so convicted and strongly from a very young age that abortion was wrong even though in HS and college my education and teachers tried to persuade me otherwise. I didn't really have an opinion that contraception was wrong at the time because I didn't really think about it to be honest. My thought process was something like "sex with a condom or having to take a pill would be too annoying, doesn't seem very romantic and I am too lazy to do that so I should wait to have sex until I am married because I could get pregnant" Yup that was me a lazy teenager but there is some truth in my thinking. Sex = babies and you should not have to put on armory physically or emotionally to have sex! There should be no "safe sex" because sex in its original state does not need protection, we should not need protection from sex! We do not need to protect ourselves from babies, they need our protection! 

So you're probably wondering why I am bringing up abortion when this post is suppose to be about NFP, right? Well abortion and contraception go hand in hand. It is no coincidence that the folks at planned parenthood thought it would be great business to offer these services together. If contraception doesn't work in preventing pregnancy then abortion is your next option, just step into the room next door and they'll take care of that for you. Now this connection centers around the principal of avoiding a pregnancy at any cost. We as a society have lost respect for women, children, men and families all together. We think that having the freedom to be with whomever, wherever and whenever makes us a free society not tied down like our great grandparents were to marriage and family. Oh yes they were very tied down with a steady job, income and a stable home with a mom and dad! Nobody wants that anymore, right? 

We think all this sex education will make us wiser and happier adults because we know better than our great grandparents and they were such old fashioned thinkers. Well I know plenty of people with this mentality that are not wiser or happier adults, some of them are my clients! Yes, some of my clients have used contraception before and now I am trying to help them figure out and repair their fertility. I see the damage that contraception does to a person and marriages as I see some of my clients who are heart broken that they ever brought it into their marriage. They grieve for the time lost with their spouse and they are now trying to heal and repair their marriages as well as their bodies from the damage of all those artificial hormones that those contraceptives were pumping into their bodies for years! 

Now let's get down to the basics of sex education through the lens of the Catholic Church. There is a procreative and unitive aspect to the sexual act so says the Church (CCC 1604, 2363). Since there are two aspects to every sexual act you can not separate the two, it is unnatural. Also, why would you want to separate them? Really think about that, why would anyone want to separate the "fidelity and fecundity" from sex? Is it because we are selfish? Is it because we have too much pride in thinking that we can act and do whatever we want? Do we think we have a right to sex? When a husband and wife come together they are expressing a self gift to one another! Why on earth would I only want part of the gift and not the whole thing? Do you want half a Christmas present? Do you only want half of your birthday presents or wedding gifts? No of course not, you want the whole thing! So why would you not want all of your spouse including their fertility.

 Why is infertility so heartbreaking if fecundity(fertility) is no big deal and it secondary to physical pleasure?! It is becasue our fertility IS a big deal, it is part of who we are! Fertility is not an afterthought of sex, it is part of it! The most heartbreaking thing about infertility to me has been the fact that the fertility that I give to my husband in each marital imbrace is broken. The fact that my husband takes my broken self-gift and gives the gift of himself to me in return has been the most humbling, beautiful and healing experience about infertility! It brings me to tears that my husband would accept my whole self, PCOS and all!

I have only come to realize this through NFP and recognizing that yes even my broken fertility is a gift. Charting my cycles and learning about how screwed up my body is was not easy at first. It was tough to face the reality that something was wrong. I have to say that it was awesome to have my husband charting and learning with me so that he could also see what was going on, it also gave me a huge sense of support and comfort in knowing that I was not on this journey alone. At first it was awkward for him to ask me what signs I saw that day but after awhile we got more comfortable with it. We learned how to communicate about the most intimate part of ourselves, our fertility and with that came a deeper respect and love for one another. It was those very same NFP charts that I took to several Drs. to figure out what was wrong and they all said that I needed to take the pill and all would be fine after that. Knowing that the pill was bad news for me physically and not good for our marriage we declined that offer but they offered no help after that other than a standard blood test and one random ultrasound. When I found a Dr. who actually took my fertility seriously and looked at my charts and said there was something wrong, NFP became more than just a way to "plan" out my family. From that point on NFP became health care! It became a way to track my fertility and let my Dr. know what these biological markers were pointing to.

NFP has saved my life in so many ways as far as getting to the bottom of my health issues but also giving me a strong marriage. Ask anyone who know us and they will say JJ and I are truly one. I feel part of that is due to our expereince with NFP. It has given us a knowledge about one another that we would have not had without it and it has broken down communication barriers that we have had. If I can talk to my husband about my cervical mucus, I can talk to him about anything! I know that sounds so embarrassing, but it is true! 

When couples are using NFP whether to achieve or postpone a pregnancy there is a general saying that they are "open to life." This means that they are not using contracepives and that they are open to the possibility of new life even if they are trying to avoid/postpone a pregnancy. For me as a woman dealing with infertility my view on NFP and call to be open to life looks very different from those who do not have any fertility problems. Me being open to life means to accept whatever may happen with each cycle. There have been plenty of times where I have told God and JJ that I want my whole reporductive system taken out because getting my period each month hurts physically, spititually and emotionally but, that would make me not open to life. My call to be open to life means to accept this cross and hope that God will make me bear fruit in however He sees fit. Open to life means that there is a possibility of never conceiving again or being receptive to the slim chance that we might. For me being open to life means giving God my hopes, dreams and desires every cycle and asking Him to do with it what He will. Open to life means remembering that God is the ultimate giver of human life, not me! Open to life means giving God my Fiat every day but more specifically every cycle. 

If you would like more info. on NFP or Church teaching please contact me! I love to talk about this stuff and hear about other people's experience with NFP. 

*CCC means Catechism of the Catholic Church which is a collection of official Church teachings. Go look it up! 

Marriage and Infertility

 

This post should really be titled Sex and Infertility but I did not have the guts to title it that. Hey, I still have some modesty! Most people think that people trying to have a baby have so much fun as they have sex anytime and hope for the best. It must be so nice to have so much sex right? Wrong! This is just another misguided philosphy that feeds our world's disordered view of sex. Marriage is not just about sex or procreating, if it was then JJ and I would have a really sad marriage. There is much more to marriage than having sex. Don't misunderstand me sex is more than great, it is supernatural and when you realize that there is a possibility of creating new life it is mind.blowing. There is a wonder and awe about sex that is out of this world, especially the procreative aspect.

Imagine this wonder and awe fading slowly as you realize the possibility for new life diminishing cycle after cycle. That is what it feels like when you go through infertility/subfertility. There is a part of sex that feels like it is missing. This becomes a challenge and a struggle to subfertile couples in their marriage, in particular their physical intimacy with one another. It can become so mechanical and just about the act of procreation. As they chart and try and time intimacy for the most fertile and optimal time it can become more like a routine. Now routines are not bad like wake up, pray, breakfast, workout, shower, go to work, come home, dinner, sex... Haha, I threw the last one in to see if you are still paying attention! I have to admit in the beginning of TTC it was fun to carve out time for intimacy, making sure we did not have any scheduling conflicts or skipping out on things we were invited to because it was during our "fertile" time.

After about a year or more of this same type of routine spouses can start to feel a laundry list of negative emotions connected with sex. You can start to feel the pressure and not want to disappoint your spouse if pregnancy does not occur or you can become angry with one another because your dreams of becoming a parent are slowly fading and this is where the blame game can come into play. Another thing that can happen is that one or both spouses become tired of having sex, yes you heard that right people can get tired of sex! Spouses can get into a routine of only having sex during their fertile time and not during other times. These situations create discord that effects all other aspects of their marriage. Not to mention spouses can start to go through feelings of guilt if they have used contraception before or had sex outside of their marriage. They may start to blame themselves for their infertility or think their infertility is a punishment for their past sins. Even if they have gone to confession they still need to work on forgiving themselves for their past mistakes and allow God to redeem that aspect of their life. Needless to say infertility/subfertility can be a HUGE roadblock in the physical aspect of a married couples life.

Then there are those who have miscarried and when you add that to the mix it becomes a big heap of crap that the couple has to deal with. After our miscarriage I started to associate sex with death and was afraid that if we conceived again, that baby would die too. There was fear in my heart and it took God's perfect love to drive out that fear along with my husband's imperfect love and saintly patience. I imagine this fear and anxiety is greater for those who have miscarried multiple times.

The Church says using sex just for its unitive aspect without the procreative aspect, i.e. using contraception is a grave sin because you are separating sex from its procreative aspect. Well the opposite is true as well, using your spouse just for the procreative aspect is wrong too! You can not separate the unitive and procreative aspect of sex, they must always stay together. This can become a struggle and hidden sin in a subfertile couple's marriage. Plus it is not so romantic to say cycle after cycle "Today is probably peak day honey, let's procreate" (I just realized that no one has probably actually said this). I know there have been a few times where we have abstained out of obligation for the "use days of greatest quantity and quality" rule. Don't get me wrong it is an instruction that increases the chance of conception and I give this instruction to subfertile couples that I teach but as the pirates say "they are more like guidelines than actual rules." In the beginning of TTC I would encourage couples to stick to the guidelines but after 6months or a year it can get frustrating so in my opinion I think it is ok to bend the rules a bit, don't tell my supervisor I said that ;)

SPICE

There is an aspect of being a CrMS practitioner that I really love, it is when I get to give my couples the SPICE Index. What is this you say? It sounds so risque. Well SPICE stands for Spiritual Physical Intellectual Communicative and Emotional which are all aspects of the couples sexual contact with one another. You see sex is more than just the physical act, it involves the entire person and not just when they are having sex. So in other words the couple should always include the SPICE element to their marriage even if it is a time of abstinence. The couple should work on the spiritual, physical, intellectual, communicative and emotional aspect of their marriage all the time. I have my couples, whether they are tryng to achieve or postpone a pregnancy, write down some ways that they can inhance SPICE in their marriage. When JJ and I first started learning CrMS we thought we were NFP rock stars knowing so much about Church teaching and great charting skills from sympto-thermal then we filled out a SPICE index and we saw the areas in our marriage that we needed to work on. The areas that we did not know how or what to talk about which the good ol' index had easily pointed out were now staring plainly at us.

 

Some couples are uncomfortable with the SPICE index because they think it is a judgment that the practitioner is placing on their marriage. Well that is not true, the practitioner is just a facilitator the couple is the one that it effects I just add up the scores and start the discussion. There have been times where JJ and I are not sure how to talk about a subject or we are having trouble communicating so I have pulled out a SPICE index from my filing cabinet and had us fill one out. Yes I know, I am such a practitioner! Things like incorporating SPICE elements in their marriage help infertile/subfertile couples to not just focus on trying to create new life. It can help them to not pull away from each other at times where they need to cling to each other the most.

There can be so many feelings of guilt, shame and disappointment that come along with infertility but I believe that God wants us to be healed from these even in our intimacy with our spouse. Being open to life means being open to the possibility that a child may not or may never come from the sexual act that a husband and wife have. It is echoing Mary's Fiat and Jesus' words "Thy will be done." It is hard to surrender to that possibility but with God ALL things are possible. The IF couples sexual act is no less redeeming or fruitful than that of a fertile couple. When there is a complete giving of oneself no holding back there is a miracle that occurs, it is the miracle of self gift. When we say to our spouses with our bodies "I love you completely with all that I am and will continue to for the rest of my life even if a child never comes from this" we are partaking in a supernatural act where God's grace abounds. Fruitfullness will come from an IF couples sexual act, it just may not be the physical fruit we are used to seeing as a result of sex.
 

So next time you know of a couple who is trying to conceive don't just pray that God would give them children, pray for their marriage first for it is by their marriage that they will be sanctified. Pray that their marriage is fruitful in however God sees fit. If you are an IF couple, know that your marriage has value and worth just as much as a family who has 10 children. "Marraige is the greatest of all friendships" as St. Thomas Aquinas said and a wise priest once told me that I needed to treasure, safe guard and nurture my marriage first! I need to make sure my hubby knows that he is enough for me in this life even if children never come, he is my vocation. God has given me the amazing privilege of being married to JJ, I pray that I do not take him for granted.

Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI said in February 2012, “I would like to remind the couples who are experiencing the condition of infertility, that their vocation to marriage is no less because of this. Spouses, for their own baptismal and marriage vocation, are called to cooperate with God in the creation of a new humanity.…There, where science has not yet found an answer, the answer that gives light comes from Christ.”

Calling It Quits...

After much prayer and discernment JJ and I have decided to stop NaPro treatments at the end of the year. We are going to give it six more months and then we are going to move on to pursuing adoption full force or not pursue anything. It is a tiring journey to go through medical treatments to have a family. We feel like we have been at this much longer than we have and I feel much older than I am. We were originally thinking that the surgery would be the last thing we would do but after talking we decided that we still want to hold onto having more biological children.

I went to confession the other day which then turned into a private Mass that JJ and I got to go to with one of our favorite priests. Well I turned confession into a little bit of spiritual direction because I was so desperate for some spiritual counsel. I brought up the confusion on whether to continue with NaPro or to give it up. The priest, who knows our story very well, said "I don't think you are ready to give it up just yet. From what I know of you and JJ you really want to live out your vocation with children. The fact that you were able to conceive before shows that there is hope for more biological children.  There is no harm or sin in stopping NaPro but maybe you should give it to the end of the year." His words were confirmation on what we have been thinking! Then we had Mass which we were one of the intentions and he prayed that God would bless us with children. It was such a blessed time and exactly what we needed to get us through the next 6 months of treatments and hoping to have more biological children.

So that is our plan and hopefully by our 6 year anniversary in Dec. we will be pregnant or have some direction on what God wants from us. We are going to not take anything to help me ovulate for 2 cycles to see if the wedge resection helps me to ovulate on my own, then we are going to try Fe.mara again for 2 cycles and then our last resort will be 2 cycles of the dreaded clomid. I figure I am willing to go all in for the next six months knowing that there will be an end in sight. I will not do endless cycles of drugs, it is just too hard on me and my body. We will also still be doing a gluten and dairy free as well as low sugar diet plus our supplements and exercise.

I don't know if after the six months we will stop NaPro forever or just take a break for a year or more but God will let us know in time and it is nice to know that we can pick it back up again if we feel inclined to.

Please pray for us! This is a very trying journey. We are both feeling tired and weary probably more so me than JJ as I am the one whose body is going through all of this. I feel like I am on the last leg of a marathon and I need to dig deep within me to find the strength to finish strong. I was never an athlete but I know what endurance is and I feel like I need some of that right now. I will be stepping it up in my prayer life or at least trying to because His grace is what is going to get me through. We are praying for a miracle this next six months and above all we pray God's will be done in our lives!

What Would You Give Up?

I was at daily Mass and the Gospel really spoke to me:

"Peter began to say to him, 'We have given up everything and followed you.' Jesus said, 'Amen, I say to you, there is no one who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands for my sake and for the sake of the gospel who will not receive a hundred times more now in the present age: houses and brothers and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and eternal life in the age to come. But many that are first, will be last, and the last will be first.'"

Often when I think of children I think of what we would give up just to have them. Thus far I have been willing to give up my body to pregnancy or medical treatments in hopes of conceiving. I have given up eating what I want to eat so that I can be healthier if pregnancy were to happen. I have given up coffee and my favorite tea(caffeine) and my beloved cheese (I speak often of my love for cheese and it may seem weird to some of you but cheese and I have had a long relationship. It was hard for me to say goodbye last August). I have given up my time to treatments and charting NFP. I have given up my loathing for exercise so that I can have a healthier stronger body. I have given money to the costs of Drs., a naturopath, supplements and medications. How much more am I willing to give up to make our dreams come true? Am I willing to give up more money, foods or do more treatments? Am I willing to risk strain on our marriage to make it happen? Is having children really our dream?

Lately I have been thinking and speaking with JJ about just how much longer do we want to do all of this. How much longer do we want to work with our NaPro Dr. and actively TTC. I am tired of charting although it does have its benefits outside of TTC. We have been trying to have children for almost 4.5yrs and I am tired. There are times where I am ready to move on and pursue adoption full force but then I think what if we can have biological children and to just give it more time. Then the cost of adoption is so discouraging, we got an email from the agency we really like saying their costs were going up so we will probably not be going with them when we are ready to pursue adoption.

 As I approach my 29th birthday in less than 2 months I wonder what else God has for me if not children. I know you might be thinking "you are so young, you have plenty of time" well that does not make me feel any better. It hurts that I am young and I am not able to have children. If I got married in my late 30s I might have expected some difficulty with being able to get pregnant but not when I started to try and get pregnant when I was 24!

Anyway back to the gospel! As I was in Mass I was thinking all these thoughts, I know distracted much. Then I thought what am I willing to give up to give Christ my all. I keep thinking of the desire to have children but what about the desire to make my life a beautiful song to God. What am I willing to give up to make that happen? Am I willing to give up food, my body or money to make God known through my life? I have wanted to be a mother for a very long time, am I willing to give that up? Am I willing to give up my desire to hold our baby and rock them to sleep? Am I willing to put everything on the line for Christ?

When I was a missionary with NET ministries it was easy to do this because that is what I signed up for I knew what I was getting into, although it was much crazier than I had expected. When I got married I was expecting children to be a part of this equation. What if that is not God's plan for us? What if what I expected and desire are not to come to pass? What then? Am I willing to give this very HUGE desire of my heart to God and trust His plan and timing is better than mine? What will that look like? What do I do with my life if I am not to be a mother? Do I go back to school and become a NaPro Dr.?

I don't have very many answers to these questions. All I know is I need to cling to Christ,  pray and discern. Plus I am going to try and track down a spiritual director! I have tried to get a spiritual director a couple of times before and have felt discouraged as they have pretty much turned me down because they are so busy. I would like to go to a priest as I would like to incorporate confession with the sessions.

I know that I am willing to give up my desire for children for Christ. What does this look like practically? How do I get there? I have no clue. JJ and I have talked about a practical time frame of how long we would continue with NaPro but that is not set in stone, we are still praying and discerning. I'd like to point out that stopping NaPro or TTC does not mean the giving up of hope that God will one day make us parents, that hope will always remain.

So what are you willing to give up for Christ and the gospel?              

Missing Cecilia Esperanza

I have been thinking a lot lately about our miscarriage we had last year especially in light of the news that it was probably an ectopic pregnancy. I have been thinking of how I wish things were different and that we would have had a healthy normal pregnancy and welcomed our little one into our home last September. We did not know the sex of the baby but I had a very strong hunch the baby was a girl. How beautiful that baby would be with blue or hazel eyes. Thinking of how sweet it would be for JJ to rock her to sleep or to freestyle rap for her. Thinking of the sleepless nights we would have gladly welcomed instead of having sleepless nights over our miscarriage.

The day we miscarried I stayed in bed and wept over the physical and emotional pain I was in. I did not think I could cry so hard but I did. My soul wept and groaned within me as I felt so tormented and mocked by the enemy. The enemy tempted me with thoughts of "look at where your faith in God has gotten you" or "are you so sure your Church teaching is right" or "God did not save your baby because you don't deserve to be a parent" As these thoughts started to swirl in my head it took all the grace that I had to just say "my heart is steadfast oh God, my heart is steadfast. Jesus I trust in you!" Our subfertility and miscarriage have been the biggest test to my faith and yet my heart still longs for God. I can't describe the bond I have with God because it is so strong and powerful. I really do feel that He will never let me go, He is my solace!

I have been missing our Cecilia though I never got to meet her. I never got to smell her baby smell or see her laugh but I still miss her. She was a physical part of me for a short period of time, she carried mine and JJ's genes with her own unique DNA. A few months ago JJ told me about a dream that he had . He dreamt that I gave birth to Cecilia and we got to hold her. He said she smiled, moved her little hand as if waving to us and then was taken up to heaven. I found so much comfort in his dream! Since the miscarriage I have been praying that I would dream of her and God answered my prayers through my husband's dream.

Miscarriage.is.so.hard. There is no logical argument that could make the loss of a child any better. The days after a miscarriage are so dark and confusing. I think about women I know who have had multiple miscarriages and still get up and walk with God, they are my heroes. You never really get over a miscarriage it just becomes part of you and your story. It has gotten better with time but it has not gone away. I hope I never forget about Cecilia, our first child. If we are blessed with other children I hope I will remember to tell them about her especially since she may be the only positive pregnancy test I ever see.

It boggles my mind that some would not consider our Cecilia a child because she was not born or she was just shy of 6wks gestational age. It hurts my heart as her mother to know that on this Mother's day people would not recognize that she was a person with life, DNA and a soul. Today JJ recognized my motherhood and wished me a Happy Mother's Day, he got me two bracelets one w/ angel wings to remember our little angel in heaven and the other with a silver feather on it to remember that no matter how small she was, Cecilia is a member of  "The Crow's Nest." Happy Mother's day to all mothers: biological, godmothers, adoptive, foster and those hoping to be mothers some day may God bless you all abundantly with the desires of your heart!  

Because of Infertility...

I have been thinking about how this journey of subfertility has changed my life to something I would not have ever recognized or foreseen for myself when I first got married back in 2007. Our first year of marriage we used NFP to postpone a pregnancy, although my "fertile" phase was during our honeymoon and I secretly wished for a honeymoon baby. There are so many things that have happened to me because of subfertility some good and some not so good. My post will be in a list type form so all you grammar pros excuse the sentence structure.

Because of infertility...I have cried more tears than I ever had in my whole life! I am not usually a crier, especially in public but there have been times that I have not been able to control it. I cry during Mass especially during the Creed since our miscarriage. I don't cry every time but once in awhile it hits me like a ton of bricks!

Because of infertility...I have lost friends. Now you would think that our friends would rally around us and support us during this time which most of them have and I am very grateful for them. There have been some friends that have not been able to deal with me needing them to be there for me once in awhile. I remember talking to one of my "good" friends and letting her know how much I needed her to be there because I was hurting so much from our infertility. I'd love to say she tried to understand and has been there for me every step of the way but she hasn't. After that conversation she freezed me out of her life for over a year despite me trying to get in contact with her. That was so hard to deal with on top of dealing with infertility. It took a lot of prayer and confession to let that go and let that friend go. I do not blame her so much because infertility is a hard thing to go through and be around and it is hard to know how to be there for someone. I also don't spend much time with friends who have kids because our lives are just so different. They are off planning mommy play dates and I would be kind of like a third wheel.

Because of infertility...I know more about the human body than I ever wanted to know, seriously! I used to be such a private person about my body and I still am for the most part. When you have Drs., ultrasound techs and nurses seeing your business your embarrassment kind of starts to fade away especially when you have had surgery and been in the hospital. There really isn't much to hide from your ob/gyn, thank God mine is a woman!

Because of infertility...I have become much more comfortable in my own skin. This is the body God gave me and as flawed as it may be inside and out it is mine. This has also helped me when I go to confession. I used to be more scared of confession because I would be exposing myself and my sinful nature to another person. I guess I was kind of thinking of the priest as a spiritual ob/gyn, who I would be so scared to go to. Now I feel like I make better confessions because of getting over other embarrassments.

Because of infertility...my life has revolved around cycle days not calendar days! I operate in terms of cycle days for medications and figuring out the most fertile time in my cycle. This used to drive me nuts because I would be thinking about what to take on which CD. Now that JJ does the charting, he tells me when I am suppose to take my stuff and let's me know which CD we are on. Praise God for my awesome hubby!

Becasue of infertility...My marriage has gone through so much in a short amount of time. This has brought us a lot closer and given us a strong foundation. I feel like we have each other's back and God has bonded us together through the grace of the Sacrament. We have argued, cried and consoled each other more times than I can count. I am so much more in love with JJ than the day I married him. Infertility has not broken us, it has made us stronger.

Because of infertility...My relationship with God has grown immensley. I have questioned God so many times on this journey asking Him if He is sure I can handle this cross. I have plunged myself into the depths of His grace to endure each CD1 and our miscarriage. I have run to confession when my weak human nature gets the better of me and when I have become bitter and jealous. I have united myself to Christ and His suffereings with each painful CD1, blood draw and surgery. I have learned so much by looking at and reading the lives of the Saints and how they handled suffering. I have allowed God into the deepest parts of my heart that need healing so that I can become who God made me to be.

Because of infertility...I have made some very lasting strong bonds with new friends. There is something to be said about the bond between women who have suffered infertility or a miscarriage, we truly love one another. I have met awesome people in real life and on the blogosphere that help me along my journey. Knowing that I can ask for prayer or pray for someone else in a similar situation has been a huge comfort! My intercessory prayer life has grown a lot too. Now when I say I am praying for you, I really mean it and I don't just brush it off. Knowing that I am not alone in this struggle keeps me sane! This awesome friend introduced me to the blogosphere and I am forever grateful to her for that. You really find out which friends to run to and which friends to keep at a distance when you go through infertility. I hope and pray that I am as good a friend to those who have been there for me.

Because of infertility...I have learned how to go with the flow a little more. I have learned that I don't have much control over whether or not we conceive and if we do when it will happen. This has made me a little more laxed in other areas of my life. 

Because of infertility...I am doing something I love! I am helping women and couples to understand their fertility by becoming a Creighton Model FertilityCare Practitioner. Working with couples and women from all walks of life has really been a blessing to me. When I can help a woman understand her fertility and not be afraid of or ashamed of it or get help for her fertility related issues, it is one of the most rewarding parts of my job. When a couple discusses how they can better their relationship it really helps me to better my marriage as well. I never would have known about the Creighton Model had it not been for our infertility and our wonderful practitioner nudging me to go into the internship program.  

Because of infertility...I have become a more compssionate, vulnerable and loving human being who recognizes my imperfections just like everybody else. I don't think this one needs much explanation :)

Because of infertility...I am writing what you are now reading. I originally started this blog as a way to keep in touch with friends from afar and share our life. After not writing for 2 yrs. because of our fertility struggles I decided to write about those same struggles.

Because of infertility...I know what it is to wait and try to cultivate patience for those things I desire most.

Because of infertility...I am much stronger than I was before this journey began.

Quick Takes(7) Infertility Awareness Week

My Quick Takes this week are in the spirit of National Infertility Awareness Week so I will be sharing 7 things infertiles/subfertiles want you to know. This list is not meant to be hurtful towards anyone it is just to offer insight into what infertile/subfertile couples go through. Hopefully this will make us all more compassionate human beings. Remember to head over to Jen's  for more Quick Takes.  Here it goes!

1.
We DON'T need advice! Unless we ask for it of course. So don't tell us about how your great aunt's cousin twice removed went to see this acupuncturist or took this special pill to get pregnant. Their journey is not our journey. Most infertile couples are good researchers on their own and are doing what they are most comfortable with.

2.

DON'T assume we are using or even want to use IVF or other such technologies! I had a cousin offer me her eggs one time, I think she was joking but it was still awkward. If you are reading this cousin, I love you but no thank you! For Catholics IVF and a lot of other Artificial Reproductive Technologies are a BIG no no to our faith no matter how badly we want children and there are other reasons why a lot of us choose other medical treatments such as NaProTechnology. This outlines nicely the differences between the two competing treatments. Along with this don't assume every infertile couple is in treatment or in the adoption process. Some couples have felt it better for their marriage to move on rather than start/continue treatment or pursue adoption. Also if we say we are looking into adoption don't tell us the story of so and so who was in the adoption process and then became pregnant chances are we have heard it. Side note: if you see a  married couple without children DON'T assume they are using contraception and preach to them about NFP this has happened to us and it was very hurtful! Also depending on what time of the month it is you may end up with a black eye ;)

3.

DON'T tell us to relax or that it will happen when we stop trying or it will happen in "God's time"! This can bring more stress to an already stressful situation. It can make a couple feel like they don't have enough trust in God or enough faith to make it happen or they need to go to Hawaii in order to conceive. Also God is outside of space and time, time is man made.

4.

 DON'T assume we have extra money because we don't have children to support. The government takes more of our money because we don't have dependents! Also, infertility treatments or adoption can get expensive. The great thing we have found about NaProTechnology is that our insurance is covering most of the treatments because they are treating my disease, PCOS, but this is not the case for everyone. There is often a lot of time and travel involved to go see our NaPro Dr. as well.

5.

 Please DON'T shove babies at us or only talk to us about your child's next milestone. This can be very hurtful although unintentional. I like to take the "Let the little children come to me" approach with babies because that is what makes me most comfortable. I don't like when people pass their babies around to be held by everyone 1) It makes me uncomfortable and 2) From a child development stand point it is disrespectful to the baby. I do like hearing about children because hey I was a child development student so it is fascinating to me and I get it people are proud of their children but too much talk about your baby can get well how do I put this...boring!

6.

 This one is a biggy: DON'T assume our marriage and sex life is sooooo great because we are trying to get pregnant. I have heard things like "wow at least you get to have time to yourselves, you are so lucky!" or "you can pick up and go anytime you want without worrying about any kids" Well too much time to ourselves can drive us mad and it can get lonely at times. There are a lot of couples who need counseling because of infertility. There is a whole grieving process that a person goes through when facing infertility and some of them have experienced a miscarriage on top of all that. I have also heard '"you get to have sex whenever you want, must be nice!" Well for those of us TTC we have to wait until the fertile time to have sex and some of the drugs that Drs. give like clomid can make a woman feel crazy and not want to have sex. There is also the part about focusing too much on TTC that can put pressure on one or both spouses. The unitive aspect of sex can easily get forgotten  and puts strain on a marriage.

7.

DO offer us some compassion and say "I am praying for you" or "you are in our thoughts." DO lend us a listening ear when we need it. DO love us. DO know that we are not perfect and may get hurt at times. DO know that we are doing everything in our power (that does not drive us insane or push our limits) to have children. DO know that we are hurting but that we are not depressed all the time.  DO know that the pain of infertility/subfertility never really goes away even if we do have children, it gets better but does not go away. DO be there for us when we need you! Most importantly DO pray for us!    

I Must be Pregnant, Right?!

This week has been such a tough week and it is only Wednesday! On Sunday and Monday I had a glimmer of hope that I could be pregnant. Aunt flow was late and she has been right on schedule for the last year or so. The last time she was late was when we got pregnant with Cecilia so naturally my mind wondered to think that I in fact could be pregnant. I took a test on P+13 due to my low progesterone levels just in case and it came out negative. Testing so early was JJ's idea because of my usual low prog. levels, I make him look at the test sometimes. Then on Sunday when it was late afternoon and still no AF, we tested again and it was negative. By Monday night I was pretty much going crazy because still no AF and my boobs were really sore (they haven't been that sore since we had gotten pregnant).

My excitement and hope started to gain as the fact that I could actually be pregnant and my surgery would be cancelled! I thought, oh what a great story that would be to tell our child someday! I tried not to think about it too much on Monday so we went to go see my FIL at the convalescent home where he is recovering, dropped off something for him to my MIL, chatted with my MIL and went to go get yarn to start my first (hopefully I will complete this project) knitting project. After all this, still no AF by Monday evening. So JJ and I decided that I should test again Tuesday morning which would be P+18 (which is when we found out we were pregnant with Cecilia). My cycles had not been this long since my 1st surgery almost 2 years ago. As much as I tried not to think about it, I thought about it and tried to start conversation with JJ about it. JJ was not picking up on my hints and kept saying "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it." I also could not sleep and wait to test on Tues. morning. I kept praying for God's will to be done in my body, if surgery is what is supposed to be done then so be it.

Tuesday morning rolled around and I woke up bright and early to take the test that would determine my surgery fate. I took the test and it was negative again, now I was getting frustrated! If I wasn't going to be pregnant then AF should at least have the decency to be on time! So JJ and I decided that if AF did not show up by the afternoon, we would call the Dr. to see what we should do. We decided to go to adoration and do a holy hour, it was just what we needed. If I was going to go crazy and be confused, I might as well do it in front of God. Afterwards JJ asked me how I was doing and I said I am doing much better, that today my answer is that I am not pregnant and I am still having surgery. I said "we will just take it day by day." He was pleased to see that I was more calm about it, I was probably driving him nuts!

About an hour after we went home to have lunch I had a familiar feeling. The cramping and spotting started which meant AF had finally arrived. JJ asked if I was sad, and I said a little. More than anything I was glad this dramatic saga was over and that I will likely need to increase my progesterone for future cycles. I am not gonna lie, I wish I was pregnant and I would have had to cancel my surgery. I thought about how we would tell our friends and family and how much joy it would bring all of us. Instead we got AF, what. a. let. down.

I know I am not the first person going through subfertility that this has happened to. For some women this two week wait to see if you're pregnant roller coaster happens every cycle! I have been lifting up my anxiety and disappointment up as a prayer for this blogger of the month. Now I am looking forward to my surgery more than before. I just want to take the next step in healing my body from this horrible disease called PCOS.