Let me preface this post by saying that I love my husband very much and I am so blessed to be married to him. I will refer to my husband as JJ on my blog from now on.
To understand this post you need a little bit of background information. I have known of JJ for 14 years and have known him as a friend for almost 12 yrs. We went to the same high school and he was two grades ahead of me. I knew of JJ because he played football and I did the stats, uniform organization and water for the football teams at our HS.
We started to become friends my Jr. year when he started college. We hung out because we went to the same church and were in the youth group. We became better friends when I graduated HS and went to the same college. My second semester at college we were in gospel choir together along with some other friends. That semester is when we both knew we liked each other but neither of us said anything so nothing came of it. We were still really good friends and could talk to each other about almost anything (except for that fact that we liked each other)!
We would talk about being open to religious life and how awesome the Carmelite order is and I would try and get him to talk more because JJ was very shy back then. Then about a year or so later I went on NET and opened my heart more to the possibility of becoming a Carmelite even though my heart's desire was always to be a wife and a mother. During that year JJ was doing the same thing, discerning with different orders and as much as he tried to go to the Discalced Carmelite Friar house it just never worked out. So he started to pursue what career he should have and God opened the doors for him to go into the electrical trade.
After I came back from NET I really wanted to know if I was called to the Carmelite sisters so I started to work for them and spend a lot more time with the sisters. Why the Carmelites? Well, JJ and I are very Carmelite in our spirituality so much so that our honeymoon was in Carmel, CA plus, my bday is the feast of OLMC. As much as my desire for the Carmelite order grew I knew I was not called to be a sister and those feelings for JJ started to come back even though I tried to ignore them for as long as I possibly could. I will not bore you with the details and drama behind how we got together let's just say it was interesting.
Now what does this have to do with IF? Well there have been times during this IF journey where I have questioned my vocation. Since JJ and I were very open to becoming Carmelites I have wondered if that is where we were really suppose to be. Thoughts like did I make the right choice to get married? What If I became a Carmelite sister, I would not be going through IF? Why would we be called to marriage but not be able to have children? Why Lord, would you call us away from the safe haven of Carmel to suffer like this? The last two questions were very difficult for me to ask God because I love my husband very much and I love Carmel very much.
I have also thought about the timing of our relationship, marriage, and TTC like we were in the right place at the wrong time. Should we have gotten married sooner? Should my husband and I have started to court sooner than we did, like when we first started to like each other? Should we have tried to have children once we got married instead of waiting a year to figure out my wonky cycles? Did we waste our time? Our we wasting our time now not TTC for health reasons?
IF does not just affect your confidence in who you are as a woman but it can also affect your confidence as a wife and your vocation. I remember apologizing to my husband that he got me as a wife because of my lack of fertility and he would get so mad and tell me not to talk about his wife that way. I know now not to do that because it is wrong and it is another way the devil wants to kick you when you are down. Obviously the answer to all these questions is simple, God has me exactly where He wants me. I know that JJ and I are suppose to be married and God has revealed to me in a lot of ways why JJ and I are called to be husband and wife. Whether or not you have questioned your vocation God has each of us where we are for a reason and I have learned to stop trying to figure out the reason. All we have to do is keep moving forward with His grace! Our Lady of Mount Carmel, Pray for us!
p.s Next time I will have a guest blogger! If you would like to be a guest blogger here, you can contact me by leaving a comment here or on our Facebook.
Oh gosh, I think questioning your vocation is the hardest part about infertility. I did the same thing. Was I not supposed to be married to Mike, was I getting my due because of the way I had acted in past relationships...the worst is that these thoughts would haunt my dreams. I literally had no control over them. I have a friend in Houston who literally visited and discerned a cloistered vocation before meeting and marrying her husband....who was in seminary. She and I have had many talks on this same subject...and i could not imagine a more complementary couple!! How the devil knows what your soft spot is and where the crux of your service to God comes from, your vocation. You are totally on that its straight from the devil! I would say similar things to Mike...sorry he got a broken wife, etc. And the beautiful thing like JJ he would say I don't know what you're talking about! You are my other half. Thank God for husbands much more solid than us. Prayers are with you my friend.
ReplyDeleteIf it wasn't clear...my friend has been waiting for a child for about 3.5 years now. Sorry about that.
DeleteOh, man, but we want those reasons. It is so hard to let go of the reasons why and live with the moment that you have, but thank you for sharing. I am also trying to let go of the reasons and move forward with this moment.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for posting this. I've felt so guilty for wondering the same sort of thing. Its good to know that I'm not the only one who's thought like that.
ReplyDeleteOh, the questioning and wondering that comes with IF. Mine centers mostly on my past mistakes, especially my use of contraception for so long...I almost have panic attacks when I let myself go down that road, it's so hard. And yet, as Catholic Mutt said, I want those reasons. I want to know why.
ReplyDeleteThe Man has also responding with such kindness and love when I've told him I was sorry he married a broken woman...what would I do without him?
And, do you know that you and JJ can be 3rd order carmelites? Do you read Abigail's Alcove? She and her DH are 3rd order carmelites - and West Virginians :) - 2 unrelated, but awesome details.
Glad to know I'm not the only one who has questioned both my vocation and our TTC timing because of IF. I still wonder whether those two years we avoided at the beginning of our marriage not what God wanted us to do? Is this IF our punishment? It's hard not to think that way!
ReplyDeleteOh what a beautiful love story! I'm blinking back tears.
ReplyDeleteMy story is a little different (secondary infertility) but I know just what you mean. When my husband and I were pregnant with our first child, we found out that we were both carriers for a severe genetic defect. One of the most painful in that moment--even more painful that the knowledge that our unborn kid might be very ill and could die in early childhood--was the thought that "But I thought we were perfect for each other?" So it was painful to think that my husband could have married another girl and all of his future kids would be totally healthy.
So listen--this is not how God works! IF feels like a punishment-but its not. You guys were "checked into God", he would have told you if he wanted you to Date earlier, or change treatment--etc. It's a radical trust we're called to have--but He really does love us and Guard us Like the Apple of His Eye.
It sounds like you both have a call to be Third Order Carmelites, or a the very "least" a Holy Married Couple like Louise and Zelie Martin.
Oh my goodness. The WORLD NEEDS Holy Married Couples right now--especially that are eagerly open to having kids, but are in the role of "just a wife" or "just a husband" right now. Marriage is insanely messed up in our culture right now. You're prayers are so holy. Your quiet daily interaction is so important.
I really feel like the culture, my friends, my family ONLY support my role as a "mother"--and yet its my role as a wife that I find the most difficult and the rewarding.
I'll be praying for you. Keep up the Hope!