Every IF gal has to figure out how they are going to deal with baby showers and Mother's day festivities that you will be invited to. To go or not to go? That is the question and if I do go What kind of gift do I bring?...How long do I stay?...Will there be liquor and chocolate available? Is it co-ed or just gals? If you are Catholic and pro-life and most of your friends are then baby showers are pretty much inevitable. If you are a fertile gal reading this you probably are thinking what's wrong witha baby shower or Mother's Day. Well nothing is wrong with them originally butsince struggling with IF it has been more painful than celebratory at times.
This past Mother's day I did not want to celebrate my mom(sorry mom), I wanted to be as far away from Mother's day celebrations as possible. We went to Tridentine Latin Mass which we love but also for the reason that they don't do the whole all the mother's stand up and we pray for them and clap then give them a flower as they process out. I don'tlike this for the obvious reason of what about those trying to become a mother and I think it's disruptive to the Mass. After Mass we went to go eat and watch a movie with one of our friends. When we got that text from our friend that he was gonna go out on mother's day it was a perfect excuse for JJ and I to ditch mother's day stuff, again sorry moms. It was what I needed because I was still physically and emotionally a wreck from the miscarriage. I would cry at mother's day advertisements and my hypoglycemia was out of control so I wanted to just chill. I did get a couple of texts from dear friends who knew about the miscarriage and wished me a happy mother's day, that made me feel special. It turned out to be a great day.
Why is mother's day so hard? Well it is a reminder of what you are not as an IF gal or if you've suffered a miscarriage it reminds you that you don't get to hold the child that you once carried. So when people try and make you feel bad for not celebrating mother's day it makes it more painful because they don't understand or are not even trying.
Baby showers are a whole different animal altogether. I haven't gone to a baby shower in years because it has been confusing and painful. I was suppose to go to the baby shower of a blogger/friend this year but it was too close to when we lost Cecilia that JJand I could not bring ourselves to go. We got two baby shower invitations that week and our new niece was born around that same time so I just lost it, one invite was in the shape of a onsie. Do we regret not going to baby showers? Yes and no. I do want to celebrate new life and am happy when people are pregnant but the ceremony of a baby shower is torture to me. The whole event is about the fact that the woman is "going" to be a mom. Hello she already is a mom! She is pregnant! I don't regret not going because I knew at that time, I would not be able to be there and not ball my eyes out. I also did not want to take the attention away from the celebration of the life waiting to be born.
I feel like I am at a place now to be able to go to baby showers or try going to a baby shower. I don't know how it will be but I am willing to try. Hopefully the next one will be co-ed so JJ can go too. I don't want my fertile family and friends to be afraid to invite me to stuff, I think that would hurt even more. I at least want the option to decide whether or not I want to go. There was one time where I was not directly invited to a baby shower because my mom was suppose to tell me about it. Well at the time my PMS was still really bad and I was going to have my surgery soon so my abdominal pain was very evident. So my response to the situation was something like, News flash people: I am married and don't live at my mom's house anymore! That really hurt, I felt like just because I did not have kids I was not fit to send an invite to. You can guess I did not attend that shower.
It eventually all worked out, I was able totalk to my mom about why I was so upset, she did not understand at the time. I was able to open up and dialogue with my mom about the struggle of IF, which she may not understand but she is willing to listen. Also the baby in question of that baby shower became my goddaughter! Now I get to share with her why nina was not at her baby shower, when she is old enough to understand of course. I also get to pray for her in a special way and I pray she never experiences IF or miscarriage.
Going through IF has made me wonder if I would even want a baby shower if we are so blessed to be pregnant again. I think I would much rather have an after birth celebration combined with baptism. Also what if we get to adopt first, then it would be an adoption day celebration with baptism. There seems to be a running theme here Baptism! I am curious as to how other gals going through fertility issues deal with baby showers or mother's day? Or gals now on the other side of IF did you have a baby shower?
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ReplyDeleteMother's Day and baby showers are also not fun for me, though I don't have IF issues (that I know of). I was beyond thankful that my church didn't do the whole have the mothers stand up last Mother's Day, and I hear you on not being able to go to all the baby showers, though luckily those have been a lot fewer and farther between recently (because all my friends are on their 2nd or 3rd child!)
ReplyDeleteHa, well you know I had a shower ;) but in retrospect, since we didn't find out the gender, I think a post-birth shower would have been a fun time! But then you'll have to deal with tons of people and germs and everyone wanting to hold your new baby (I was very protective, especially at first, and would have HATED that). However, whether its from a birth or adoption, you'll probably *enjoy* it a lot less physically, since seriously, birth and new parenthood takes it out of you. Hosting the baptism when he was 8 weeks old took it out of me, but it was still such a blessing. You have sooo much more time when you're pregnant, and really, it is a celebration of the new parents more than the baby at that point (because after birth, everything is forever about the new baby). I think that's precisely what makes baby showers so hard when you're not pregnant, is that they aren't really about the baby they are about the woman! (or in my case, the man, ha!)
ReplyDeleteI think you're very smart to know yourself and know when you can and cannot handle things. I wouldn't feel guilty for wanting or having a shower even when you didn't attend them in the past, either. And if people know a smidgen about infertility its that baby showers are very, very hard. Precisely why I felt so bad sending you the invite, but still wanting to include you won out. Anyways, we got past that so its all good. smiley face exclamation winky face. ha!
Good point about the germs and people wanting to hold the baby, I did not think of that. I think it was great that you invited me still because it gave me the option to decide where I was at. I am glad we got passed it too :)
Delete*just editing some things out of my last comment...*
ReplyDeleteMother's Day was absolutely awful for me this year.
I've been "fortunate" to only have to go to one baby shower since this all began--I had a ton of pregnant friends/family last spring but they were almost all long distance or having their second. I had a lot of anxiety about that one shower, but it turned out to be not so bad. I got through it, anyway.
I have a shower coming up in January (for twins!) and I'm already mentally preparing (or just worrying??) for it. I think I've heard others say that they have a pre-made excuse ready, in case they need to leave early--I'll probably come up with something like that, just in case.
Also--I didn't know you love the Tridentine Mass! We used to be members of the Latin Mass community back in Pittsburgh and go every week. Now that Chuck often works on Sundays, we have to go to Saturday vigil, so we only make it to the Latin Mass parish here 1-2 times/month.
Katie we love the Tridentine Mass! That is the main Mass we go to, we have it at our parish every Sunday! It has brought a lot of healing and stronger faith to me and JJ.
DeleteThroughout our 4.5 years of struggle, I don't know how but I pretty much mustered up the courage/strength to attend most baby showers. Sure there were times where I would excuse myself and cry in the bathroom, only to put on the fakest of fake smiles ever during the present opening and baby talk. The thing I told myself that I didn't want to look back one day and see a bitter, sad woman who didn't attend these events of dear friends and family (casual acquaintances I had no issues not attending if I didn't feel strong enough). It definitely took lots of prayer!!!! And to be completely honest, there were still a few showers that I simply could not attend because it was just a really hard time and I could in no way keep it together long enough to even pretend to be happy to be there. But I sill tried my best...because I didn't want to look back one day and regret being there.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I have had 2 showers and both felt like out of body experiences and surreal. I'm so thankful that I was able to be with family and loved ones to celebrate our little ones upcoming arrival. And since most knew we had struggled for years, it felt like an even bigger celebration. I loved my showers!
Now, for Mother's Day, a lot of those days were spent feeling miserable and in tears. Thankfully a lot of my family would send cards to celebrate me as a godmother and whatnot, which was sweet but definitely, if I could avoid any Mother's Day celebrations I would. Just too hard because like you said, it was a day that seemed to remind you even more so of what you weren't.
Praying for you! Glad you are feeling in a better place to go to showers, but I completely understand the need to not go.
Yes, Mother's Day customs at church... I am blessed to have one child, but Mother's Day has been bittersweet to me the past few years bc of my IF struggle. At church, when the priest has all the mothers stand up, I feel so aware of the ladies in the pews who desire to be moms...or are moms to souls in Heaven. I always wish they would pray for people who are struggling with infertility during the intentions. Why don't they? Anyway, I can somewhat imagine how painful those Mother's Day events must be for you and many others. And baby showers...ugh.
ReplyDeleteI wish they would pray for those who want to be mothers or who have miscarried. I am going to mention it to our pastor for next mother's day, great idea!
DeleteI boycotted Mothers Day in years past. Although I am not a mother to any little ones in heaven, I just couldn't mentally do Mothers Day. Or baby showers. I skipped my SIL's shower, as I knew how much my MIL went overboard for them and made everything such a big deal as they were having her first grandbaby. I guess it hurt more, as I'd been trying to give her her first grandbaby for years. I made an excuse & didn't go. Like you, I couldn't go without being sullen or bursting into tears.
ReplyDeleteSince Luke came into our lives in April this year through adoption, I decided before hand that "just in case" something happened, I didn't want a baby shower before we had him. There were a few days where it seemed like we wouldn't get to adopt him. In the end, It actually worked out pretty well & we had the shower a month or so later. Everyone got to meet him and hold him as we celebrated him & opened some amazing gifts. I think your idea of coupling your baby's shower with his Baptism is even better!
And yes ... the downside of having your baby at your baby shower is germs! I think Luke was sick a little bit afterwards. :-/ So that is something to consider.
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