Infertility 101

So this week it is National Infertility Awareness week. I have mixed emotions about this week because Catholics dealing with infertility are often put down for not doing treatments like IVF and other ART procedures. It can almost sound like we don't want children bad enough if we don't use ART which is so not the case. I am glad there is a dedicated week to raising awareness about how difficult infertility is, whether primary or secondary. I just don't like the promotion of ART that this week can have but what are you gonna do? To be quite honest I am annoyed with infertility and have been wanting to hide from all the face.book and blog posts about it this week. Infertility is annoying, it is obviously more than annoying but that is my feeling about it lately.

After 6 years of it I feel like we are barely settling into it. All this time we had tried to fight it (rightly so!) with Drs. appts, surgeries, blood draws, medications, ultrasounds, diet changes, charting and timed intercourse. Most recently we did another hormone profile blood draw series to make sure that my hormone levels were not contributing to LUFS. It turns out they are not so, that is some good news! It is also a bit frustrating since everything looks fine and normal except that I am not ovulating but I am producing a great looking follicle that is not releasing the egg. Its almost as if my body is trying to kill off its eggs. The only possible treatment is to inject myself with hcg or another medication each cycle in the hopes that it might work. After a lengthy discussion and praying about it JJ and I have decided not to do that. We are just not comfortable, although it is completely moral, with the long term effects this can have on my body.

Now that that is all behind us we are learning to live as a childless couple. I am letting JJ take the lead if we should try more medical treatment but for now I am trying to be being docile to JJ's lead. His answer has been a firm no for any more medical stuff and I am OK with that. I did not think when we first started this medical journey that it would be ending like this. No baby in our arms. We were so sure that we would have children by now. I do not think I will ever be able to convey the pain and hurt that infertility and losing a child can cause. You just really don't know unless you have been there. You can pray for us all you want but please for the love of all that is good and holy don't give us any advice and don't tell us stories of people who have adopted then gotten pregnant or who conceived after such and such treatment. It really is not helpful. Oh and don't tell us it will happen when we least expect it, for some of us we have not expected it for awhile now and its still has not happened.

Infertility is depressing and that is why for those of us who will likely be on this island for the rest of our lives often find ourselves dealing with people who are uncomfortable with our infertility. Our society thinks "there MUST be a solution to this so I will offer my advice and we need to get these infertile couples children so we feel comfortable being around them so we will bring up adoption or foster care. It is unnatural for married couples to not have children." It IS unnatural for married couples not to be able to have children which is why infertility stings so much but offering solutions that you know nothing about does not help heal the hurt it makes the wound bigger. The reason is because what an infertile couple hears is "you are not good enough on your own and you need to raise children or we see you as less than and pathetic." You may not be saying that exactly but when you offer a solution of trying to "fix" the problem you end up making the other person very aware of their brokenness.

The beautiful gifts of adoption and foster care are not cures for infertility. They take away childlessness which is HUGE but not infertility. As of recently JJ and I have decided to not pursue adoption or foster care at this time. Again I am being docile to his lead in this area. We had a big conversation about it a few weeks ago and I am at peace with our decision. Does it still hurt and would I love to be parenting and loving children of my own? Of course! The pain and frustration although tempered is still there. There are times I can see the very real pain in JJ's eyes and it is heart breaking. Men suffer from infertility too! A lot is focused on the pain of the woman but men most often suffer silently. They put on their strong face for the world but their heart break is just as real even though different from their wives.

One of the things that JJ said only a couple days ago is to take a step back and see where God is leading us. He also brought up a good point that we have so many religious orders, friends, family and readers praying for us that we need not worry when/if it will happen anymore. JJ is open to adoption and foster care just as much as I am but for some reason we are not pursuing it at this time. Adoption is just so expensive and I know we can fundraise and probably will when we do move toward it but I would not want to fundraise before we are home study approved. With foster care we are in the same boat of not moving forward for various reasons. You may not understand why we are not moving forward and some days I do not understand either but it is where we are at.

So here we are married and infertile. Is that good enough? Will you stop reading? Does my barren womb make you uncomfortable? I don't have a cute bump or baby pics to post and I won't have any announcements any time soon, if ever, on adoption or foster care. We may remain a childless couple, I can't believe I am writing these words because this was not our plans for our marriage. Infertility was not in our plans but apparently it was/is in the plans. The feelings of this realization are mixed with sorrow and peace knowing that we strive to remain in union with Christ and each other. That is all we can do and that is all we are capable of right now. I am not sure which direction this blog is heading. I know I like to write and will not be focusing so much on growing our family anymore so I have been discerning whether to keep up with blogging or not. So far I don't have an answer yet.