Monday, September 15, 2014

When They Say.....We Think.....

*Let me preface this post by saying I think all mothers need a break at times and they need to vent about how hard it is to raise their children. I do not think mothers need to shut up and not talk about their children or suffer in silence about their struggles. I think it's good and healthy for them to do so and I love hearing about my friend's and family's kids. Most of the time I am fine with hearing the milestones and a little venting from my friends about their children. As a friend I want to share the joys and sorrows with them in their state in life. 

So the other day I went to women's group and the topic was gentleness. At this group children are allowed so a lot of stay at home or part time working outside the home moms bring their kids. It's great because the children are playing outside in a courtyard as the rest of us are drinking tea and discussing/reading about the day's topic. There is of course a bit of chaos as to be expected with lots of children around :) At each meeting I have attended I am usually a little more on edge afterward and JJ has noticed this. Most of the women who go are mothers raising children, there have been older women and a single woman who have come before but then haven't returned. I love when other women come to the meetings because it balances out the perspective I think. When it's all mothers raising children and me, that's when it's a bad combination and that is when I come home frazzled. 

At this particular meeting there was a lot of venting about one's children, more than normal. It felt like the entire first half of the meeting was different women venting about their children and how hard it is to raise their children. It may have been only 10mins. but it felt like so long and the silence in my heart was deafening. As these women were complaining about lack of silence I thought "All I have is silence. A deafening one that resounds from my womb." As they complained about the chaos I thought "All I have is order and no one but JJ and I to make our house messy." As they complained about not having alone time I thought "All I have when I am not at work, volunteering, out with friends or with JJ is alone time." When they complained about children jumping on them whenever they got on the phone or on the computer I thought "there is no one to interrupt me or climb all over me as I make a phone call."  There was even a point where someone mentioned "the moms should all get together for an Advent reflection with out the kids." Ouch it stung and what I thought was "I am always with out my kid." 

As they questioned and discussed their decisions about being a stay at home mom I just sat there in silence having nothing to say, well nothing to say that would've been appropriate for the children to hear ;) I don't get what they are going through and I may never get it. I tried to be compassionate and listen to their struggles all the while I just wanted to scream. I wanted to say "hey can you just stop talking about this" but I couldn't. There was no where for me to go to excuse myself either. I just sat there, the silence from my childlessness was so loud I thought they would hear it but they didn't. 

I have to say I was probably extra sensitive at this meeting because AF is just around the corner, we just got some medical news that reaffirms the brokenness of my body and Cecilia's due date anniversary was on Fri. Sept. 12th (she would've been two). I didn't share any of this at the meeting because I am not comfortable enough with all of the women there to do so and I just couldn't after all the venting/complaining. It would have sent me over the edge so I just kept my mouth shut. I also don't want it to seem like these women are monsters who were torturing me w/ a lot of talk of raising a family, it wasn't like that at all! 

After the meeting when JJ got home from work he asked how it went and I just let the flood gates open. I told him through my sobs what had happened and he affirmed what I had been thinking for a month or so, that I should not go back to the women's group for now. Maybe someday but maybe it's just not the place for me. If there was more variety like single women, married and widowed then maybe I would go back. The time of the group is more conducive to SAHMs and I was able to go because my CrMS work schedule is so flexible. I think a big reason that it is so difficult to be there is the fact that we are at a standstill with adoption, have no idea if we should reconsider foster care and we have not conceived since Cecilia almost 3 years ago! I think the unknowing state is particularly hard, if we were in the process of adoption or foster care I could feel better about going to these meetings. 

The next day I prayed for all the women who go to the group at Mass that God would help them in their vocation and state in life.  I wanted to make sure I harbored no ill will toward them and I don't, we are just at different places and it is more of a moms group. I don't want them to feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me because I know it is a very needed group for them but I don't think it would be healthy for me at this point to go. They should be able to freely talk about their struggles in a supportive environment. I think the greatest support I can give them right now are my prayers. I am sad about it because I met some great women there who I would only see in the context of the group. I know if a friendship is suppose to happen with them God will make it happen.  I sent an email to the leader who is also a friend of mine letting her know I wouldn't be returning and why, that was so hard to do. I got to talk to her about it over the phone and explain a little more which I think helped. She didn't criticize me or make me feel guilty she just listened compassionately and tried to understand. I do hope I can go back to the group some day perhaps when my vision is a little more clear about my motherhood. 



25 comments:

  1. So difficult! Sorry that you had to go through this!

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  2. That's really tough. It's hard when their struggles are very real and need to be addressed, but so opposite of those of us that do not have children. It's hard not only to face our own day to day struggles in such a way that it feels like getting beaten with them, but added to it is the isolation of that lack of common ground. Sounds like you are making the right decision for you at this time

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    1. Yes, exactly! Their struggles are very real and they should be able to share them. I am just not sure if I need to be there for a group pow wow about raising kids right now.

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  3. As tough as it was being there and making the decision to leave the group, it sounds like it is really the right choice for you at this time. I hope and pray that you are able to find some other group where you kind find friendship and fellowship.

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    1. Thanks Stephanie! I do have my book club which I love so I am very thankful for that!

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  4. Oh Kat, that sounds awful. The other women's behavior makes me mad, frankly. To make a reference about "moms" doing something when you were there, and they know you're not a mom...? If it's going to be a mom's group, focused on mom's (legitimate!) needs, then it should be advertised and treated as such. I'm not surprised at all that women who aren't moms don't stick around. There's no way I would be part of a group like that. I have many friends who are moms, and we talk together about *both* of our lives, their needs and mine. Praying you find another group better suited to your needs and more open to non-moms!

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    1. It would also be hard sometimes to have the side conversations of planning play dates w/ one another. I don't blame them, it's just normal mama conversation. The group is advertised to women in general but the time is mid-morning. I was upset when I came home well more like very angry but that also could've been post peak hormones too ;)

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  5. Kat, I admire you for having gone this long. I wouldn't have been able to. When I was your age and still single, I still had hopes of finding a good husband to have a family with. I even hated going to church on Mother's Day when I felt I was the only woman not being honored at Mass, let alone going somewhere where everyone else was experiencing what I wanted to and couldn't. You and Jack are both so loving and good that, in His time, God will surely allow a child to be blessed by being raised by you both.

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    1. Thank you Denise! You are so sweet! Yeah Mother's Day Masses are a whole different thing, that's why we go to Latin Mass and it's not mentioned very much at all :)

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  6. I think you are right to guard your heart. With Ecce Fiat, I'm mad for you that the comment was made that way.
    I was talking with a friend recently and said, it would be the same if the rolls were reversed, if a super-fertile woman or a mother were the only one in the room of infertile women. They would feel uncomfortable and would know they had little to contribute to the conversation. Not because any suffering is better or worse than another, but because they are different. Only, that rarely happens, and so when we are the lone IFer, we look insensitive. And so, for much of the time it is best to just guard our own hearts.
    Prayers and love for you my friend.

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    1. Thank you Rebecca! I just had a vision of a woman w/ kids listening to us talk about medications and injections and times sex, hahaha oh that would make them very uncomfortable. Since half of the women there know we are living w/ infertility I think it was just that they weren't even thinking about what they were saying or that I was there. A lot of it is also them not knowing what to do, which will be my next post ;)

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    2. Haha I meant timed s.ex not times. Ugh stupid ipad!

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  7. I'm so sorry about that whole situation. Glad to hear you're protecting your heart and backing out for a while. I agree that it's the right choice. Hugs!

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  8. Such a real and beautiful post. You have a such an open heart!!!! I totally agree and understand and have been in the same scenario before. I have learned the hard way that when hanging out with my "mom friends" it is better if we are hanging out one-on-one. That way I can share what I am going through, and they can share their struggles or vent about the struggles of being a mom. In groups of moms it is just too rough on me. I hope and pray that some day you can go and bring your little one to the group too.

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    1. Thanks so much and thank you for sharing your experience! It helps to know I am not just being super sensitive.

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  9. Also sending prayers for you this month, as you grieve the loss of your little one and her due date passes. Hugs.

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  10. I used to belong to a newcomer's group when we first moved out to where we live...all the women had children...except me and after a few years of just trying to meet people I gave up because the reality of IF was starting to hit us and I couldn't stand hearing the other mom's complain or talk about play groups. I just couldn't relate so I stopped being involved. Soon after the group disbanded for no one had time to open their homes...too busy. So I'm with you on stopping the group...you do the group for socialization and enjoyment...when it makes you sad and depressed...time to find a new group that is a better fit for you.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your experience it really does help. Even though we have been living w/ infertility long term I thought oh I should be able to handle this by now. I have peace and acceptance about our infertility but I still think there are going to be those scenarios that just make you uncomfortable. I do have a book club that I love going to so thank God for that :)

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  11. Prayers for you as you remember Cecilia this month (and always). I am sorry that the Women's Group wasn't really a women's group. That hurts.
    Love and prayers for you, my friend! <3

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  12. Oh hun, That sounds so hard and my heart bleeds for you! I am so greatful and I will think of younext time I want to complain when they jump all over me as I am on the phone. Instead I will get off the phone, cover them in kisses and be more aware of how blessed I am! Shaunna Bowler

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  13. This post really spoke to me. Hard to read, because I empathize with it. Before I started making friends with IFers this year, all of my opportunities to socialize with my close friends went like this. They are all mothers. They all speak in terms of their tangible motherhood. To say that it divided us is an understatement. And to say that I want to base all of my social interaction on relating to IF is not accurate either. It's just a tricky road to travel. I'm always searching for medium. I am glad that you wrote all of this out though, for the awareness it can cause on both sides of female spiritual needs.

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  14. This is exactly why I've never joined a women's group or gone to a women's retreat! Having known since age 16 that I'm unable to have children, I've come of age in a way that has made me ultra-cautious about anything faith-based that is geared solely towards women. I totally agree with everything in this post and I think it would be wonderful if women's groups were advertised more specifically. Then maybe I wouldn't be so cautious. And I could come out of hiding, so to speak.

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