2 Years Ago (Part Two)

So in Part One I talked about my miscarriage physically. Here I will be talking about the emotional and spiritual struggles that happened to me. I know that miscarriage is not a pretty thing and it makes people uncomfortable. It should be uncomfortable because it is a sad event but that doesn't mean we should not allow women to talk about it or shush them because it is a hard subject to talk about. For most of these women including myself, there is a great comfort in being able to share your heart with someone. Yes you share with your spouse, but there is something about being able to share my experience/trials sufferings with women because there is a bond that is completely beautiful and completely feminine. Women can easily be the most compassionate and empathetic towards humanity in specific toward other women or they can be unsympathetic and prideful in comparing their struggles with another woman's struggles. My point that I am getting at is we should not think our own sufferings are much mightier and worthy of more compassion than another woman's.

 This is a big lesson that I learned from losing Cecilia. I learned that I was not alone in my suffering and that my suffereing didn't merit me anymore points from God than a mother who could not get her toddler to sleep. Yes, sleeping trials and miscarriage trials are very different but God loves us all the same. Learning this lesson about compassion and pride was a hard one to learn and it did not come easy the days, weeks or months following the miscarriage.  It is easier to unpack the physical aspect of the miscarriage it is much harder to explore what happened on the emotional and spiritual level. 

I am such an internal person that there was a period of time after the miscarriage where I felt like I was in my own world, even away from JJ. I would wake up in my thoughts and go to bed in my thoughts. I was still seeing clients about a week after the miscarriage as I was a new intern and had just gotten my first clients. It was hard to teach women and couples about their fertility when I felt like my body was betraying me. Even as I was working and learning there was a part of me that I shut away because it was broken and hurt. The mothering part of me was in shambles. Some may think this pretty extreme, I mean we never even saw our baby or held our baby. Well what those people don't understand is that life is so important in all it's stages. Life means there was an undeniable soul, spirit, energy that exists that has touched your life in a profound way and it becomes part of you. Our baby touched our life in a profound way, she came from part of us; not just the physical part. She was sprung forth from the fountain of love which JJ and I share which ultimately has it's root in God. This all sounds deep and epic, well God is deep and epic and so much more. So since all life has it's root in God then this doesn't sound so dramatic, it sounds appropriate. Make sense? Good. 

I first went through a shock when we miscarried but I feel like I was not all that surprised given our situation. The day after the miscarriage started we went to the church and lit a candle on the St. Joseph side for our baby. I wore black and green which have been the colors that I associate with our little one. We knelt down and prayed there, JJ led the prayer, it was the middle of the afternoon so no one was in the church. I cried a little but I mostly felt numb, like was this really happening. It all happened so fast that I was trying to make sense of what was going on. We saw a friend outside the church when we were leaving and it took all the strength within me to not tell him what was going on especially because he is a really good friend. I didn't want to share because I just wanted to go home and crawl back into bed. I felt alone and I wanted to be alone. 

The weeks and months after the miscarriage I still felt very alone and I allowed myself to feel that way. There was defintley wallowing in my own self pity that went on, even accusing JJ of not being on my side. I felt bad for myself when I saw pregnant women and walking near the baby isle in the store. I thought "wow I have suffered so much, these women don't even know." I also thought of wanting to isolate myself from all pregnant women, yeah not very practical. I just didn't want to be reminded of what I had lost (my baby), what I could not do (get pregnant) or who I could not be (a mother). Part of this was because we had already been dealing with IF and a lot of those feelings were wrapped up together. Losing our child really forced me to face my feelings about IF which I thought I was hiding pretty well prior to the miscarriage. 

I had to face the grief and sadness I felt about not being able to have children. I had always wanted to be a wife and mother. I would think about what kind of man I would marry and how many children we would have. I remember shocking my friends in high school with talking about wanting a big family and they would always say I'm crazy. I remember my friends in college saying that I was "such a mom" because I always had food if they were hungry or I just exuded motherly qualities. When I was engaged  a lot of my friends would say what a great mom I would be and expected us to have children right away. I worked in parent education with mommies and babies and I was really good at it. I was good with the kids especially with the 12-24months children. So a lot of my identity was wrapped up in becoming a mom. When I finally got pregnant it is as if I breathed a sigh of relief that yes, being a mom is who I am meant to be. So when we lost the baby, I was reliving all of those fears and anxieties about who I really was. If I am a wife I must be meant to be a mother, right? I was questioning my worth to the world, to my husband and to God. 

I faced the natural feelings of losing someone you loved. I missed our baby and wished she were still with me. I wished God would take away our IF and give us children. I thought I must've done something wrong like eat what I wasn't suppose to or I exercised too much. I knew the reality was that I had done nothing wrong but I still felt shame. Oh shame, that horrible feeling. I felt like I was bad because I couldn't do this one thing that most women can do. Shame is not good y'all it takes away the dignity of who you are and that is not ok. The biggest battle I fought spiritually and emotionally was overcoming this shame that I felt. If not for the grace of God, I would still be in that pit. I also had a lot of anxiety after the miscarriage. Thinking about if we'd ever get pregnant again and if we did would we lose that child too or thinking I would lose JJ filled me with anxiety. Each time I got my period after the miscarriage I would be reminded of that horrible day and the sadness would creep back in.  I clung to the cross and asked Jesus to help me with the shame and anxiety. Lent was shortly after the miscarriage so I prayed part of the stations every day. 

As the time came near to go back to my non CrMS job with mommies and babies JJ and I decided that it was just too much. I could not be around that environment anymore, it hurt too much. So I focused on CrMS which was a lot of work anyway. When I went up north almost 6 months after the miscarriage to my second education phase for CrMS my body was a mess and so was my heart. It was so hard to be there to learn about how to help women know about their fertility and get the help they needed when I felt like I was a total wreck. I had a hypoglycemic and anxiety attack in the middle of the night on my 2nd night there. I called JJ and he came up in the morning and spent the rest of the week there making sure I ate and got to my classes. JJ was becoming my security blanket, I needed him with me. I felt so weak in all aspects and he was really the one who was so strong for the both of us. I got through EP2 because of God's grace and my husband. As we were all saying goodbye one of the other interns pulled me aside looked me straight in the eyes and said "I know you're sick and hurting. There is no one else that can take care of you like you can take care of you. You need to get better for yourself and your husband needs you. You can do this and I am praying for you." Her words pierced through my heart and they stung a little but she was so right. I needed to start climbing out of the pit of self pity and allow God to strengthen me through this. 

I felt like I was climbing out of a pit and needed to get to a mountain top without any gear, compass or a trail to follow. How do you start to move on from grief? How do you heal from a miscarriage without feeling like you are ignoring the life that was created? I had no idea. I just started to focus on others instead of staying within myself. I started to turn that grief into actions of love toward my husband. I tried to be the best practitioner I could be for my clients. I cried when I needed to cry and I laughed when I needed to laugh. I took my time to be sad and angry without putting any expectations on myself to be the perfect Christian who was happy all the time. Life is not always happy, there is suffering. Once I started to surrender to the suffering and unite it to the suffering of Christ then my world and perspective started to change. I started to see that I was not the only one who has gone through this nor was I the only one suffering. I saw that other people are dealing with their own crosses and we should all be compassionate toward others. Even if I felt like my cross was bigger than theirs it didn't matter they needed compassion and understanding too! 

The shame and self pity started to melt away as I started to lean more on God and His grace, not my own. If I were relying on my own strength I would still be in that pit. I had a great amount of support from my husband and close friends who prayed for me and comforted me. I know there are women who go through this and don't have the same support. Sure people said some things to hurt me, unintentionally of course, like "at least you know you can get pregnant now" or "the next pregnancy will go better" or "be thankful your baby is in heaven." Those statements were not helpful especially if they were coming from people who don't know what it's like to go through a miscarriage. I haven't been able to get pregnant again, I don't know if I'll ever be able to get pregnant again and I didn't want my child to go to heaven yet I wanted to meet her and hold her first. If you have children, which one would you choose to send to heaven right now? Probably none right? You want them safely with you until you were ready to let them go. 

Each woman goes through grief from a miscarriage or stillbirth differently, it is so important that we not ignore this heartbreaking event in a woman's life. I have gotten so much support from women who have had miscarriages, they have shared their stories with me after they found out about ours. I have gotten so much prayer and support from amazing people and I am truly blessed with lots of love. I pray that I can be there for women going through this tragedy, walking with them and praying for them as they go through a very devastating time. In part 3 I will share where I am at now, two years after the miscarriage. I think it's good for me to share where I am at now to see how far God has brought me. God truly is amazing. 

2 Years Ago (Part One)

Today is the anniversary of our miscarriage we had two years ago. This will be part one of the account which I will primarily focus on what happened physically. The second part will focus on the emotional and spiritual account. This is more detail about the miscarriage so I understand if some would not want to read this, it's not pretty but I really feel like I need to write this for me.

 Two years ago my life was changed forever by this one event, even more so than the day we got the positive pregnancy test. The dream we had hoped for, longed for and prayed for was no longer there, she was gone. This little person that I was entrusted with was no longer safely nestled inside me. I remember the chaos of that morning like it was yesterday. 

I was told to rest by my Dr. the day before because I had some brown spotting that we were concerned about as we would be past the point of implantation bleeding. She said it might be some leftover implantation bleeding but was concerned because my hcg was not where it should be. I was told to rest until we were suppose to come in for our 6weeks ultrasound in a few days. So we rested and prayed that day after we went to the grocery store. We actually told our parents we were pregnant that day because we were suppose to go out to lunch with them but I was having some morning sickness so we told them over the phone. I remember the joy I heard in their voices, we finally got to give them "the news" after years of trying, surgery, blood draws, charting and medications. We prayed and asked God to spare our baby and that we would get to meet her this side of heaven, we prayed the guardian angel prayer for her and asked God to give us peace. We went to bed that night and JJ kissed my belly and told the baby I love you and good night like he had every night since we found out we were pregnant. Thankfully I was able to get to sleep that night as I needed my rest for what was to come. 

I woke up around 4:15am which is 15min. before JJ's alarm goes off for him to get up for work because I really needed to pee. I checked the bed to make sure I didn't see any blood and felt a sigh of relief and had hope that we would get to meet our baby. So I went to the restroom and the hope faded quickly because as I wiped it felt different so I checked and all I saw was blood. Bright red blood. My heart sank and knew we would not get to hold our little one. I started panicking, what should I do? So I grabbed a pad and put it on as the tears started to flow. I woke up JJ and broke the news to him, he asked me what we should do and he wanted to take me to the hospital. I didn't want to go so we decided to call the Dr., poor Dr. I called her so early, she said just to relax and let it happen naturally. She advised me to take ibuprofen and if the clots got bigger than an egg I would need to come in.

 JJ held me and we wept and wept and wept. Then I panicked that our baby wasn't baptized nor did we give her a name so JJ got some holy water that my mother brought back from the Jordan River for us and he baptized the baby and blessed me. I flipped through my '62 Roman Missal to look for a name for the baby. I had so many names run through my head and then I was reading part of the prayers leading up to the consecration and the name Cecilia popped out at me. So we named the baby Cecilia Esperanza, I wanted to make sure I never forgot to hope because I knew my faith would be tested after this. 

At around 6am JJ asked how I was feeling physically and I said I was ok no major cramping so I didn't want to take the pain meds yet. I tried to go back to sleep through the tears hoping that this was just some bad dream that I could wake up from. Then at around 7:30 or 8am I started to have cramping so JJ gave me the pain meds. I went to the restroom again and saw a lot more blood and the cramping started to become more intense in intervals, I knew this was labor. I started to feel dizzy, light headed and started sweating. I tried to get to the bed quickly so I could rest but as soon as I got there I vomitted and collapsed. JJ caught me and put me on the bed and brought me new blankets and clothes. I knew the pain meds would not help me anymore and that's when the pain got more intense. For fear I would vomit again I decided to just camp out in the bathroom, JJ was there right beside me rubbing my back through the contractions. I counted them out and breathed through them trying not to fight what my body was doing. I breathed in and out then prayed, in and out then prayed as the pain got more intense I thought I was going to pass out. I let the tears flow and didn't fight them so I wasn't hysterical as I knew that would make the pain worse. JJ prayed right beside me and we contiued like this for about 2 hours. I tried to relax and get into a fetal position to rest but that was not comfortable at all. 

When the pain started to subside we decided it was safe to go lie down in the bed. I felt so weak and tired but I couldn't fall back asleep so we just stayed there in silence holding each other knowing we were both exhausted and devastated. For the rest of that day I cried, prayed and slept. JJ made the phone calls to our parents and friends, he was so wonderful through it all but I am not surprised as he is an amazing man. It was so hard to break the news to our parents because just 24hrs before we were rejoicing with them. My mother came over and helped to take care of me and just cried with me.  Our close friends brought us food and we were so grateful for that and it really made us feel loved at such a hard time. 

We didn't know what we were suppose to do as far as the catholic way to handle a miscarriage, we didn't know we could give our tiny baby a burial as most people would not consider her a baby because she was just shy of 6weeks. So we treated it like a heavy period. I still carry so much guilt from not knowing and not giving her a proper burial, I wish someone would've told us. The following days and weeks I bled and felt pretty weak but the physical pain was over and the emotional and spiritual battle was still to come. 

Missing Cecilia Esperanza

I have been thinking a lot lately about our miscarriage we had last year especially in light of the news that it was probably an ectopic pregnancy. I have been thinking of how I wish things were different and that we would have had a healthy normal pregnancy and welcomed our little one into our home last September. We did not know the sex of the baby but I had a very strong hunch the baby was a girl. How beautiful that baby would be with blue or hazel eyes. Thinking of how sweet it would be for JJ to rock her to sleep or to freestyle rap for her. Thinking of the sleepless nights we would have gladly welcomed instead of having sleepless nights over our miscarriage.

The day we miscarried I stayed in bed and wept over the physical and emotional pain I was in. I did not think I could cry so hard but I did. My soul wept and groaned within me as I felt so tormented and mocked by the enemy. The enemy tempted me with thoughts of "look at where your faith in God has gotten you" or "are you so sure your Church teaching is right" or "God did not save your baby because you don't deserve to be a parent" As these thoughts started to swirl in my head it took all the grace that I had to just say "my heart is steadfast oh God, my heart is steadfast. Jesus I trust in you!" Our subfertility and miscarriage have been the biggest test to my faith and yet my heart still longs for God. I can't describe the bond I have with God because it is so strong and powerful. I really do feel that He will never let me go, He is my solace!

I have been missing our Cecilia though I never got to meet her. I never got to smell her baby smell or see her laugh but I still miss her. She was a physical part of me for a short period of time, she carried mine and JJ's genes with her own unique DNA. A few months ago JJ told me about a dream that he had . He dreamt that I gave birth to Cecilia and we got to hold her. He said she smiled, moved her little hand as if waving to us and then was taken up to heaven. I found so much comfort in his dream! Since the miscarriage I have been praying that I would dream of her and God answered my prayers through my husband's dream.

Miscarriage.is.so.hard. There is no logical argument that could make the loss of a child any better. The days after a miscarriage are so dark and confusing. I think about women I know who have had multiple miscarriages and still get up and walk with God, they are my heroes. You never really get over a miscarriage it just becomes part of you and your story. It has gotten better with time but it has not gone away. I hope I never forget about Cecilia, our first child. If we are blessed with other children I hope I will remember to tell them about her especially since she may be the only positive pregnancy test I ever see.

It boggles my mind that some would not consider our Cecilia a child because she was not born or she was just shy of 6wks gestational age. It hurts my heart as her mother to know that on this Mother's day people would not recognize that she was a person with life, DNA and a soul. Today JJ recognized my motherhood and wished me a Happy Mother's Day, he got me two bracelets one w/ angel wings to remember our little angel in heaven and the other with a silver feather on it to remember that no matter how small she was, Cecilia is a member of  "The Crow's Nest." Happy Mother's day to all mothers: biological, godmothers, adoptive, foster and those hoping to be mothers some day may God bless you all abundantly with the desires of your heart!