I have been thinking a lot lately about our miscarriage we had last year especially in light of the news that it was probably an ectopic pregnancy. I have been thinking of how I wish things were different and that we would have had a healthy normal pregnancy and welcomed our little one into our home last September. We did not know the sex of the baby but I had a very strong hunch the baby was a girl. How beautiful that baby would be with blue or hazel eyes. Thinking of how sweet it would be for JJ to rock her to sleep or to freestyle rap for her. Thinking of the sleepless nights we would have gladly welcomed instead of having sleepless nights over our miscarriage.
The day we miscarried I stayed in bed and wept over the physical and emotional pain I was in. I did not think I could cry so hard but I did. My soul wept and groaned within me as I felt so tormented and mocked by the enemy. The enemy tempted me with thoughts of "look at where your faith in God has gotten you" or "are you so sure your Church teaching is right" or "God did not save your baby because you don't deserve to be a parent" As these thoughts started to swirl in my head it took all the grace that I had to just say "my heart is steadfast oh God, my heart is steadfast. Jesus I trust in you!" Our subfertility and miscarriage have been the biggest test to my faith and yet my heart still longs for God. I can't describe the bond I have with God because it is so strong and powerful. I really do feel that He will never let me go, He is my solace!
I have been missing our Cecilia though I never got to meet her. I never got to smell her baby smell or see her laugh but I still miss her. She was a physical part of me for a short period of time, she carried mine and JJ's genes with her own unique DNA. A few months ago JJ told me about a dream that he had . He dreamt that I gave birth to Cecilia and we got to hold her. He said she smiled, moved her little hand as if waving to us and then was taken up to heaven. I found so much comfort in his dream! Since the miscarriage I have been praying that I would dream of her and God answered my prayers through my husband's dream.
Miscarriage.is.so.hard. There is no logical argument that could make the loss of a child any better. The days after a miscarriage are so dark and confusing. I think about women I know who have had multiple miscarriages and still get up and walk with God, they are my heroes. You never really get over a miscarriage it just becomes part of you and your story. It has gotten better with time but it has not gone away. I hope I never forget about Cecilia, our first child. If we are blessed with other children I hope I will remember to tell them about her especially since she may be the only positive pregnancy test I ever see.
It boggles my mind that some would not consider our Cecilia a child because she was not born or she was just shy of 6wks gestational age. It hurts my heart as her mother to know that on this Mother's day people would not recognize that she was a person with life, DNA and a soul. Today JJ recognized my motherhood and wished me a Happy Mother's Day, he got me two bracelets one w/ angel wings to remember our little angel in heaven and the other with a silver feather on it to remember that no matter how small she was, Cecilia is a member of "The Crow's Nest." Happy Mother's day to all mothers: biological, godmothers, adoptive, foster and those hoping to be mothers some day may God bless you all abundantly with the desires of your heart!