Contemplative Life, the Cloister and Monasticism

    More and more I am finding myself wanting to live in a cloister. With what is going on in our world and in our country, it is not a surprise that an introvert like myself would want to head for the hills to pray. To reach the wild mountain woods and make my dwelling there would be a dream; except for the bears and mountain lions, which are not part of the dream. I recently went to the local Carmelite cloister to drop off some prayer intentions and dear sweet Sister Therese thought I was there because I was interested in entering! That totally made my day by the way.

    In reality, God is not calling me to that life; at least not yet. So, I have been meditating on how I can live this cloistered life amidst the life that God is calling me to live right now. I am so blessed that my husband shares these sentiments for monasticism so that we can make our home life a place of respite from the world. Now, we do not live our life according to a monastery bell or schedule, although that would be awesome!

    This Lent we changed things up a bit to promote a more monastic home atmosphere. Step one was getting off of social media which for us just meant FB since that is all we had. This step was primarily for me, as JJ could care less about social media or the internet for that matter. Prior to deactivating our account, I would only go on FB when JJ could log me in, since he changed the password. Taking this step prior to going off completely was very helpful for me. We decided to log off of FB for good. There are so many reasons behind this decision, but one major reason is so that we can have less of a distraction from living a more prayerful centered life. I do miss the easy acess to people interaction that comes with social media and the actual people I would interact with, but this has made me grow in intercessory prayer because, whenever I think about how someone might be doing, I pray for them and their intentions.

    The second thing we did was to stop watching television. We do not have cable, but we had an antenna that we would watch basic TV channels with. We unhooked the antenna so we can only watch a DVD when we wanted to. We did not get rid of our TV for Lent because my workouts are primarily on DVD and we still wanted to watch movies. This has made our movie down time with entertainment more purposeful and conscious. We also still watch shows online if we can get them, but if not, oh well, we just miss it. This has given us more time for prayer, reading and just connecting with one another. It has been making us more mindful of how much time we could be doing other things rather than watching shows. We are now trying to exercise temperance when we want to watch television.

    Daily exercise has been another thing to promote a more interior life. How so you say? Well a cloistered life does not exclude physical activity; it is actually a vital part of it. In cloistered life they have recreational time which often includes exercise or physical labor out in the garden. Movement actually helps our mind to calm down, which can help us focus more on meditative prayer. I find that my daily walks are often a time of stress relief and help me focus on mental prayer better the next day, since I often go for my walk after my morning prayer. The more vigorous work outs I do are especially helpful for building up endurance which reminds me to persevere in prayer. Plus, when you are on the 59th walking lunge or 3rd circuit of planks during your work out, it tends to be the perfect time to ask for God's help.

    Another odd thing I have subtly started doing has been to make more vegetarian meals at home. I have incorporated more legumes and fish for our lunches and dinners along with lots of veggies. You may not know, but often times, monastic life includes eating a vegetarian or mostly vegetarian diet. Why? Well, because the idea is to eat food that you can mostly grow yourself since monasteries usually have to be self sustaining and meat can be expensive. Having a garden of fruits and vegetables is easier to sustain than a cattle farm on site and it also takes up less space. Also, the monastic life is about cultivating a life of prayer and penance, so abstaining from meat was a commonly known monastic practice.

    Daily prayer has been key for me to be able to keep up mental prayer throughout the day. I usually take my prayer time right when I wake up, so I keep my missal and bible within arms reach. I usually wake between 6am-7am if not earlier and take about 1/2 hour for prayer time. In the past I have not been a fan of the liturgy of the hours. I have tried, but it is just not my cup of tea. I would like to incorporate the Angelus at 6am, 12pm and 6pm so that I am reminded throughout the day to continually turn my mind and heart toward God.

    It has been difficult to incorporate daily Mass for me, since I am slow to get going in the morning and I have to eat breakfast within an hour or two (at the most) after waking. I usually go for my daily walk after breakfast, which I could do after Mass. I am working on shifting my schedule a bit to be able to go to daily Mass at 7:30am at the local cloister.

    Another very important element of cloistered or monastic life is silence! Sometimes it is so difficult to be in silence without music, television or conversation. I know those of you raising little ones crave the silence and find it impossible to have silent time at home. I have been thinking of how to incorporate silence once we are raising children and all I can come up with is to have a quiet time after lunch either before or during nap time. When I was in a classroom with pre-schoolers and two year olds, we would have silent or nap time after lunch. If the children did not want to nap then they had to play quietly or read. Again, I am not sure how this would work at home, but I guess we will figure that out when we get there.

    Sometimes we are afraid of silence because it feels like and emptiness or absence. We are surrounded so much by noise from the world with social media, our electronics and our own need for self gratification that we often spend our prayer time chit chatting away or fighting the desire to get back to our daily tasks. After about 5 minutes, the silence can sometimes feel like we are alone or shunned by God or we do not know what to do with ourselves. At Mass on Easter, I heard a beautiful homily on the contemplative life and it was a beautiful confirmation for me to keep striving for silence. Here is a tidbit from that homily...

    "Silence is not an absence, it is a fullness.... Silence is the storehouse of prayer...Let us be like the candles we lit tonight. A candle exemplifies the contemplative life perfectly. It is a silent flame that burns brightly. Let us be a silent burning heart of prayer. " -Fr. DiRocco Easter Homily 2017

    Isn't that beautiful! What a powerful perspective on silence with regards to the contemplative life and prayer! God is waiting for us in those secret and silent crevices of our lives and hearts. He awaits to meet us there to love, heal and strengthen us. What a joy we can have by living our lives more closely connected to Him prayer both vocal and mental.

    I am no expert at a contemplative or monastic life, but I feel compelled and wooed to continue to seek it out. Perhaps this is because I will need all the strength and grace I can muster to deal with the foster care system and to continue on our own NaPro journey. I realize that all these disciplines we put in place during Lent have yielded so much fruit for me; and this has made me all the more grateful.

Fruitful Redemption: Spiritual Helps for the Infertile Catholic

    A couple of weeks ago, I awoke one morning to the promptings of my guardian angel reminding me to read an article that was brought to my attention the day before. It was on the "spiritual test" for those suffering with infertility. To say that the article lacked any consolation and comfort would be a huge understatement. So, armed with coffee in hand and some of my favorite music on, I am going to write what I feel and know to be a more comprehensive, compassionate and truthful perspective on the spiritual side of infertility for Catholics. The original article can be found here at US Catholic. There is mention of Catholic couples doing ART and IVF, so be warned. Now, I am no theologian but I have been told by various priests, who have a passion for the theology of marriage and family, that I have a knack for understanding Church teaching in this regard. I will be pointing out what the Catechism of the Catholic Church states about the subject of infertility; which the article failed to do.

   So, let's get down to the basics; first on what the Church says about infertility and couples who struggle with this cross. In the Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) it states:
  
   "Couples who discover that they are sterile suffer greatly....Research aimed at reducing human sterility is to be encouraged, on condition that it is placed 'at the service of the human person,'...
Techniques that entail the dissociation of husband and wife, by the intrusion of a person other than the couple are gravely immoral. Techniques involving only the married couple (homologous artificial insemination and fertilization) are perhaps less reprehensible, yet remain morally unacceptable. They dissociate the sexual act from the procreative act." (Excerpts from CCC #2374-2377)

   In summary, using artificial reproductive technologies that separate the marital act of the spouses is a no-no; such are IVF and surrogacy. The CCC goes on to say:

   "A child is not something owed to one, but is a gift...A child may not be considered a piece of property, an idea to which an alleged 'right to a child' would lead." (CCC #2378)
  
   This paragraph always digs into my heart as I realize that a child is a gift and for some reason I am not receiving that gift. This is where it can feel like the Church is turning you away if you are infertile. But wait, there is more:

   "The Gospel shows that physical sterility is not an absolute evil. Spouses who suffer from infertility after exhausting legitimate medical procedures should unite themselves with the Lord's Cross, the source of all spiritual fecundity. They can give expression to their generosity by adopting abandoned children or performing demanding services for others." (CCC #2379)
  
   Now, this can seem like a cop out from the Church and just a consolation prize to some. I can see how a person could take it that way, but the suffering that you endure from infertility can actually be such a source of fruitfulness that you could have never imagined; a spiritual fruitfulness that you may not have received if your path were easier in this regard.

   The Church is not condoning the use of whatever means necessary to make you happy nor is the Church leaving those living with infertility out in the cold. As someone who has been living with infertility for 7+ years, there have been many low valleys that I have been through. Like other couples, I have questioned the existence of God, asked why is God punishing me, tried to do penance for past sins so I can get what I want and prayed many novenas in order to bug God so much that He just gives into my desires. I have cried like Hannah while pouring my heart out to God and have shaken my fist at Him until my arm almost fell off.

   I would like to say a word about redemptive suffering here. Your suffering has purpose; even if it is just to remind you that you were made for more than this life. You were made for Heaven. When you are suffering, it is a good reminder that God wants to draw close to you. You can not run away from the way in which you are to be sanctified. You just can't. Believe me, I have tried. I have learned that the suffering I experience here on earth can be used for a greater purpose; for example, to pray for others in need. The very fact that I am willing to use my suffering to bring about good, unites me with Christ more closely; as He brought about salvation through His suffering. Now, none of us are going to bring about salvation for the whole world because that is found in Christ's perfect sacrifice, but we can imitate Him and unite ourselves with Him; thereby making our prayers more powerful. Through infertility and miscarriage I have drawn close to God in a way that I do not think I would have otherwise. For that, I am thankful. No, I am not thankful for losing our child; I am thankful that God brought about good through this soul wrenching suffering.

   There are so many peaks and valleys that we have in our spiritual lives, but those living with infertility (whether primary or secondary) can often experience the valleys more often than the peaks. This goes to the fact that infertility is a deep spiritual suffering that happens at the core of your being. Part of being human and Catholic is to pro-create and raise up the next generation; us infertile people can't do that in the traditional sense. So often times infertility can make one feel less than human or less masculine or feminine. Spiritual suffering is extremely debilitating, since it deals with not just our relationship with ourselves and others, but it deals with our relationship with our Creator. Our relationship with God our Father and Creator is the most important one of our lives and when we are hearing a repeated "No" to this very strong, beautiful and natural desire for children, it is a crushing blow to that relationship. This can give us a skewed view on who God is and we have to confront our false ideas about God.

   Infertility makes you confront the Creator vs. creature relationship that often times people have not dealt with before, unless they have dealt with past deep suffering. Infertility is an area of suffering where you realize you ultimately do not have control. Even though your desire is a holy and noble one, there are no amount of Hail Mary's that can change the will of God for your life; though there are an infinite amount of Hail Mary's that can change YOU.  So I would like to lay out some spiritual advice and help for those living with infertility.


   1. Your feelings are a good indicator on what is going on inside. Do not ignore the feelings in hopes that they will go away or just be fleeting like other feelings. These feelings of sadness, shame and anger due to infertility will not go away. These feelings are valid! I have heard from women who have crossed over and have adopted, are fostering or got pregnant and carried to term that these feelings still linger. Sometimes, they may linger your whole life. Confront the feelings in prayer, therapy and Reconciliation. I suggest all three of these strategies because it is best to care for the whole person when you are dealing with such suffering.

   2. Work on your relationship with God. Simply put, fall in love with God. This may be very difficult because you are pissed at Him for this infertility business, but HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH. He wants to lavish you in His love and suffer with you, for you are His beloved. Read scripture, in particular for women, read Isaiah 62:1-5. This scripture always reminds me that God will not let me go and He will continue fighting for me until I take my last breath. Pray the stations of the Cross or the sorrowful mysteries of the rosary so that you can walk with Christ in mutual suffering. When we suffer with someone, we grow closer to them and this suffering can actually aid in our relationship with God. Deepen your prayer life and conversation with God. Don't hold back your hurt because He wants to know all about you; even the wounds we try and hide.

   3. Cling to the Sacraments of Confession and The Eucharist. This will help you to realize that, even though you are validly suffering greatly, it does not give you license to sin. There have been so many times where my confessor has stopped me and made me realize that I am taking my pain out on others, especially my husband! Confess those sins or talk about the temptation to do IVF and illicit ART treatments. Chances are, the priest has heard it all! At Mass I started to say prayers of thanksgiving after Communion instead of asking God for what I want. Before Communion, I petition Jesus and after, I just thank Him. Sometimes it has been difficult to say "Thank you Jesus" when I am on the verge of sobbing over another cycle day 1. This has helped me to have a more grateful attitude and perspective for what I do have. It reminds me that God is on my side no matter what, and for that I am truly thankful. My confessor also suggested that if I pray a novena, to pray the same novena over again in thanksgiving, no matter what the outcome. I do have to say I am praying less novenas now, but making the ones I do pray more purposeful.

   4. Seek spiritual counsel. Spiritual direction can be such a great resource if you are discerning adoption, foster care, medical treatments or childless living. Now, this one may take some time, since it is hard to find a spiritual director; let alone one that is a right fit for you. I recommend a priest or religious sister if you can find one, but a trusted person who is faithful to the teachings of the Church would be sufficient as well. You may have to try out a few different ones if you are not comfortable after a couple meetings. You should trust the person and their advice should be tailored to your particular spiritual dilemma; not just a generalization. Not many priests are versed in pastoral care for infertility, but they at least need to be compassionate. I had to go through a few different priests before I found my regular confessor who is a trustworthy priest that has compassion toward my situation. Remember though, the role of the spiritual director is not your counselor or therapist. Do not put that responsibility on them. The role of the SD is to help guide you through your spiritual life and discernment. Do not expect them to give you all the answers if you are not putting work into your prayer life.

   5. Fall deeper in love with your spouse. How can this help you with the spiritual suffering of infertility? Our spouse can be a great consolation from God while living with infertility. Take part in the marital embrace and not just during the times where you are trying to conceive, but other times as well. Initiate that spiritual and physical bond between the two of you that is only shared between you alone. Now, I understand that couples living with infertility are often wounded when it comes to the marital embrace because it has not produced the fruit that they were hoping for, but now is the time to work on this wound. Seek therapy for this issue if need be so that you can find healing in this area.
Another way you can deepen your relationship with your spouse is through prayer; so pray with one another. A homework assignment I gave to one of my infertile couples recently was to write down 10 ways that they are fruitful in their marriage; not having anything to do with children. Write down and acknowledge what you as a couple bring to the table and how you can you use those gifts to build up the Kingdom of God. You will be surprised to find that so many blessings get overlooked!


   So there you have it. Five ways to combat the spiritual difficulties that come with infertility, all the while staying faithful to the Church's teachings. I am not an expert, well maybe I am, but I still struggle. I have my moments, even after 7+ years. I know there are women who have dealt with this for much longer and have stayed faithful to the Church, so I know it is not impossible. This is not a fix all list either where you do all of this and magically you will feel better about being infertile. I don't know anyone who feels good about being infertile but I do know people who have been given peace. I hope this is helpful to all the Catholic couples living with infertility and if you have any suggestions that help with the spiritual side of infertility, please, do share!

Merry Christmas

I know, I know you think this post is really late, but it really is not. I have been thinking about the New Year's hype and if I even care about it all. I have never really been into resolutions or going out to celebrate the New Year. This year has been no different. I keep trying to make myself care, but I just don't. I am more into the fact that it is technically still Christmas. And it will still be Christmas in our house until the traditional Epiphany on Jan 6th!

I have been praying and pondering what I want from this Christ child, this Messiah, this King, this Savior. What is my prayer and what are my desires? This is what I have come up with so far: I want the Christ child to help me, save me, heal me and change me. That is all. Pretty simple huh? Well not so much, when we consider the inner working of the human heart and the concupiscence that we are all born with.

I want Him to help me do what God is asking me to do. I don't just want the grace that He provides, I want to skillfully use it and be cognizant to call upon it when I need it. I know that the grace is there, but I want to be more aware of when I need it. Often we do not ask God for the grace to become more Christ like in those moments of anger, frustration, selfishness or when we are sleep deprived. We usually ask for grace in those moments of silent prayer or peaceful adoration when we are at our best, but we need Him the most when we are at our worst. So, that is my prayer; that Christ help me to be aware of when I need grace.

I want Him to save me; mostly to save me from myself. I want to be saved from my perfectionist ideals; that I must be perfect, that I am perfect and that others need be perfect. I have always wanted to do things perfectly. I am a classic type A personality, yet I am quite messy in my personal space. I want the walls of needing to be perfect to be torn down so that God can perfect my soul and not my external surroundings. I want my heart to love Him more perfectly. Mainly, I don't want to get in the way of God's will or His movements in my life. I want to get out of the way and let Him do His work!

I want Him to heal me from my fears. A lot of the time I base my decisions on fear. How much will this hurt? Will this kill me? Will I look stupid? Will anybody get hurt? I am so tired of fear being a dominant force in my life. I need healing in this area. I need courage; the kind that only the Holy Spirit can infuse in me. This past year God has been working on these things with me, but I want to surrender even more and take this healing to the next level. I want courage to be the driving force in my life, not fear.

I want Him to change me by continually transforming me into who He made me to be. I recently celebrated my 15 year anniversary of giving my life to Christ. I was baptized as a baby and did all the Sacraments I was suppose to at the age I was suppose to... my mother made sure of it. But I had not fully surrendered my life to Christ. I have been reflecting on how I have changed since then. My ideals and habits have become different. Even though I have been walking the talk for these past fifteen years, I know there are many areas that I can grow in. I want Him to change my heart so that His will is all that I desire. There is a song that we used to sing in youth group that said, "Change my heart O God, make it ever true. Change my heart O God, may I be like you. You are the potter, I am the clay." That is my prayer; to be molded by The Potter. That is my prayer for all of you.

Happy New Year, and more importantly, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Why I Veil

Wow I am a blogging machine lately! Its really because I have about 15 draft posts that I would like to finish up. Before I get to talking about veiling, here is a craft I recently did for our door! 

There have been various articles on veiling that I have seen floating around on the web. There are some on the tradition of the veil, how a veil is attractive to a man and why some women choose to wear a veil at Mass. As I was talking to my friend about it all I told her my story with the veil. She said I should write about it so here it goes! I am not trying to convince any woman to wear a veil to Mass, although I think it would be lovely, I am just sharing my story and why I wear it. 

I have been wearing a veil to Mass since January 2009. I wore it to a wedding...well actually the first time I wore a veil to Mass was at my wedding in Dec. 2007. My connection to the veil was long before 2007 though. My great grandmother, Rafaela, was my first exposure to the veil. I can't remember an instance where she didn't wear it in church or at Mass. She wore one up until she couldn't physically go to Mass anymore. When I was a child and saw her wearing it I thought it was the most beautiful romantic action of hers because it reminded me of history, tradition and a wedding of course. She passed away in Nov. 2006 at 97 years old and my fondest memories are seeing her in Mass wearing her veil. The veil represented her commitment to God and His Church and I thought it was so cool that this holy woman was my great grandma. When I would see her at first Friday Masses in elementary school I would go up to her after Mass while she was doing her after Mass prayers and tell her "hi", even when I was in junior high. Yup, that's how proud I was that she was part of my family!

Fast forward to my time on N.E.T. and I remember one of my sisters from TX (shout out to TX!) was talking about how she wore the veil sometimes and I was so intrigued. I thought it was a beautiful tradition but wasn't sure if it was for me. I didn't want to hide my hair plus at the time I was a jeans and tshirts gal, even to Mass. I was having a really hard time with my femininity at the time too as I was in that "I am no longer a teenager but wouldn't consider myself a woman yet" I just wasn't quite sure what real femininity looked like. Who would I be as a woman and how did the veil fit in? The veil is also a symbol of chastity which is something I had always struggled with. Before I became a missionary I was in an unhealthy relationship with a man who was older than I was. Part of the reason I became a missionary was so that I could get away from the whole situation because I couldn't seem to stay away from that relationship, yet I was unhappy that it was driving me farther away from God. 

When I got home from N.E.T. I was seriously thinking about the Carmelite Sisters of the Most Sacred Heart and if God was calling me to enter that order. I thought about being Christ's bride and His alone which would mean I would wear a veil all the time. This really made me plunge into reflection about my femininity. The veil would encourage me to uphold my dignity in and outside of Mass especially in regards to what I wore to Mass. I couldn't just wear a tshirt and jeans or a short dress/skirt to Mass with my veil now could I? I had to dress modestly, with style of course, but modest. Wearing the veil would also mean I would need to uphold my dignity in regards to purity which is something that was going to be a challenge for me. It was easy to be pure while I was a missionary because we weren't allowed to date. When I got home the dating scene was still there, this man was still there and the same temptations never left but something was different, I was different. I wanted something different and I was going to strive for it. I wanted to strive to be worthy of my wedding veil either as a sister or a wife.   

When I was on retreat with the Sisters I very clearly felt that God was not calling me to them which saddened me in part because I would not get to wear a veil. I remember thinking the only time I would get to wear one was on my wedding day. Little did I know that people can still wear a veil and be married or single! I was so naive. At the time I was still uncomfortable with the prospect of wearing a veil to Mass because I would stand out. I don't like attention on me so if I wore a veil people would see me and I wasn't ready to let that happen. A big part of that was pride! When we think of ourselves and our insecurities too much we aren't thinking about God and pleasing Him. I also thought about the whole "why do women have to cover their hair? What about men?! How sexist is that?!" Again, pride. But the veil is so much more than just covering your hair and men vs. women in the Church!  

You see, I like to be veiled or hidden at Mass not because I need to hide my getting more grey by the day gorgeous hair because it is a distraction. I veil because it is sign of my, here comes the word that makes everyone squirm, submission to God. It is a sign of my submission to Christ, His Church and the vocation he has given me as JJ's wife. As a woman I feel more attuned to being the bride of Christ than my husband does, he never got to wear a veil at his wedding or be called the bride. He is not the bride. I am and he is the bridegroom. This is why men find it harder to relate to being the bride of Christ because they don't get to be one in the natural world! They much more relate to being the bridegroom because that is who they are in the natural world.

In one of our conversations with each other JJ remembers me telling him that I would want my future husband to propose to me by giving me a veil. I wanted to be like my great grandmother who was a beautiful example of a woman and part of her beauty was her wearing her veil. She humbled herself before the Lord and I wanted to do the same, to humbly serve in my vocation. One of the traditions behind the veil is the symbolism of a woman being part of her husband's family, of being under his protection. So when JJ proposed, part of it was presenting me with a white mantilla veil and I knew he was going to ask me to be his bride at that point. The whole proposal was really beautiful but the fact that he gave me a lovely white mantilla veil was particularly meaningful. I knew this meant he wanted to guard my femininity and honor it with his own masculinity. It meant that he was taking me under his headship as my husband and my beauty is reserved for Jesus and him. I also love the fact that he remembered our conversation. How romantic! 

For practical reasons I like the veil because I can focus better at Mass and not look around or have people talk to me before or after Mass. I am not scrupulous about wearing my veil because I usually forget it for daily Mass. I used to be more scrupulous but found myself shaming myself when I forgot it or not going into adoration because I did not have my veil. As I have worked hard to overcome most of my scruples I don't feel so bad when I forget it. I do have a couple back ups in the car in case I forget my veil pouch but for the most part I usually wear it to Sunday and Holy Day Masses always. Also the veil is great way to hide a bad hair day!       

I feel very connected to the femininity of the veil with its delicate intricate detail yet sturdy enough to last for generations. It reminds me of the way our bodies are made as women. So delicately knit but strong and durable to be able to carry life and give birth. Every cycle women go on a hormonal roller coaster and there is so much going on in our bodies that prepares for ovulation and the possibility of life. One hormone being released has an effect on 3 different body parts at once. It is fascinating to me and it is a reason why I love being a CrMS practitioner! As women we, hopefully, get to shelter a child in our womb the way the veil shelters a woman in Mass. The veil is an outward sign of reverence and covering that which is holy. Even though I have not been able to carry life to full term and may never, I still feel very feminine and motherly because I am called to bear Christ to the world. When I wear my veil I am strongly reminded of who I am called to be and who God made me to be; holy. I feel beautiful when I wear my veil, even more beautiful than I felt on my wedding day.

So all this talk about why I veil, but now here is a little challenge for the Marian month of May ladies: wear a veil once in May to daily Mass or Sunday Mass. If it feels too weird to go to your parish where people know you then go to a different parish where no one knows you. Do you veil already? If you do please share why and how it makes you feel? If you are a blogger write about the challenge if you do it! I am interested to hear other women's perspectives on this topic. If you need help finding a veil try your local Catholic gift shop or Veils by Lily has some beautiful ones in all kinds of colors and styles. If you want more info. on veils in general this is a great resource from Fish Eaters. 

   

       

John 12:24

We all don't like to get unsolicited advice from people especially if we just spent time pouring our heart out to them. While I was in Alabama I asked for some advice from a woman named G who has been married about 20yrs. and they were never able to have children of their own. They got married when they were in their early forties and knew that they might not have children, even knowing this they were still disappointed. I asked her "how do you do it? How do you live or start to live your life knowing that children won't be a part of it the way you had hoped?" G explained to me that she didn't get too wrapped up in the disappointment or TTC she just lived her life with her husband. She said she poured her maternal instincts into her nieces, nephews, godchildren and children that God put before her to take care of. They never looked into foster care or adoption because it didn't really cross their mind. G told me to not give up hope that I will be a mother to a child here on earth someday and that it's all in God's hands and His timing. G told me to love my goddaughter and get to know her more, to pour my maternal instincts into loving her. Overall I left the conversation with G feeling very blessed and refreshed in hope!

Another scenario that happened while I was in AL was a woman who I have known since I was a teenager showed me a picture of someone I had gone to youth group with, in the picture she was holding her healthy baby that looked about 6months old. This woman knows our struggle very well and I asked why she was showing me this picture especially since the woman in the picture was not really a friend. She asked if I knew that the Drs. told the mother that the baby was not developing properly and would need surgery upon delivery if the baby had survived. She said they had a lot of people praying for the baby and when the baby was born she was fine, no surgery needed. I said I had known the story, puzzled the woman asked if something was wrong. Due to my post peak PMS bravery I told her that it is so hard sometimes to see pictures and hear stories of "miracle" babies when we don't know if that will ever happen for us. We don't know if God is promising us children now or in the future, that is what we are trying to discern. She seemed taken aback by my honesty and still confused as to why I would not find this story comforting. Believe me I am happy for this woman and that her baby is healthy but I left this conversation feeling like I was broken.

I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me because of IF but I do want to inform people that IF is no easy road where it is just peaches and sunshine as you wait and trust in God. The encouragement that they are trying to give you can call attention to the wound when you were not even thinking about it or leave you feeling like you are not doing enough. IF is a fight, a wrestling, a struggle, an inner war and an uphill battle as you try and make sense of the situation and then on top of that to try to follow God's will. You can't just wish or pray your IF away, which is super frustrating because believe me I have tried! Even if a beautiful healthy pregnancy occurs or an adoption takes place it does not magically make you "fixed" now or give you joy. Will you be happy? Of course, but it will not erase the pain that you endured and could still endure from the years of IF and/or miscarriage.

Now I have heard these lines of encouragement from people many times before "it's all in God's timing" or "its not God's will yet" or"you should relax and go on vacation, that's when it will happen" or "it will happen for you I just know it" and it would always frustrate me because I thought that the person didn't understand what I was trying to say, they didn't understand the pain and hurt I was in. So I would always brush off their advice or words of "encouragement" I would especially brush them off if they had children and had not gone through IF or miscarriage. It is very easy to dismiss those who "just don't understand." A lot of the times I would hold bitterness in my heart about their comments and warn myself never to share our struggles with those people again. It is very easy to turn inward and become bitter from IF and miscarriage.

Oh miscarriage, it.is.so.hard and I feel like my life changed forever the day that I started to miscarry. I no longer looked at our journey with a wave of hope, instead I saw a wave of disappointment that would continue for quite some time. I turned inward and started to guard my heart even closer, closing myself off from forming new or closer bonds with friends w/children or staying away from babies as much as possible. Part of this was a natural part of grief and part of it was self-pity. I turned inward in grief only revealing my true feelings to God alone, I barely started sharing some of these details with JJ. Then while in AL God gave me a glorious opportunity to share my heart with my husband. I let him in on the pain I experienced last year, he knew most of it but there was still stuff I was holding back. God convicted me while I was in AL of self-pity and many other things. It was such a wonderful release to lay it all down with Jesus and allow Him to start to heal those wounds from losing Cecilia. God did a wonderful thing to start to heal my motherly heart that was in so much pain.

I started to feel guilty about all the thoughts and feelings I had last year and then I realized that it was all part of a necessary process. It was all part of the process of grief. The day we were leaving for AL we got to have a private Mass in our Carmelite friars private chapel w/ one of the priests that was going with us. The Mass was at 3:30am as we had to be at the airport by 5am, so God gave us the grace to wake up for it. It was such a beautiful Mass and my Carmelite heart was so happy! This line from the gospel for that morning was very poignant for me and it kind of became my theme for the trip:

"Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit." John 12:24

It's kind of cryptic I know, but it really stood out to me, unless I die I will not produce fruit. Does that mean physically die? What do I need to give up? This got me thinking and journaling about this gospel verse. During one of my holy hours in AL I let my mind wonder on this subject...

I certainly felt like I died last year when we miscarried and JJ had his horrible accident at work. I felt like God was stripping everything that I loved away and I felt like death was ever before me. As a melancholic I think I am going to die all the time or the people I love most will. The gloomy outlook is something I am used to dealing with but last year was something different, death became really real. I always knew that my family, friends and I would die someday but suddenly my life became a real journey toward one end, heaven. To get to heaven we must die. Sorry to make this post so morbid it gets better I promise!

I started to think of this pang that I feel in my heart from IF and losing Cecilia. It gets better where you don't always think about it but it is still there always, like chronic pain you learn to live with. Then I thought this is kind of like the stigmata that some of the saints had. Now I am not comparing myself to some great saint but it reminded me that those saints had this special painful thing about them that kept them in constant union with Christ and His sufferings. This pain allowed them to constantly remember that their ultimate goal was Heaven and their life was naturally ordered toward Christ.

Then I realized that I would rather go to Heaven than have children. Not that children are evil or anything like that but that I need to NOT make children an idol before God. I need to stop turning inward and start turning outward toward others especially JJ. I need to not hold back love from humanity by saving it for my children that are not even here yet or my child who is not here on earth. I need to open up my heart more to those around me, keeping some boundaries obviously. I need to not just brush off people who are fertile or don't understand me. I need to not think my pain and cross are bigger and heavier than everybody else's. I need to realize that infertility and PCOS are just medical diagnoses I have, they are NOT who I am. All in all I just need to get over myself! This is not to say that I will be happy go lucky and the ever optimist, that's just not me or that the pains of IF will not effect me anymore. It is to say that I don't want to just remain a "grain of wheat" anymore I want God to take me to places I never thought possible. I am ready to bear some fruit  ;)

I will leave you with a song that has been my theme song this summer. It is kind of long but well worth the listen.  

Pregnant

By the title of the post you are probably expecting me to announce I am pregnant...sorry that is not the news today, maybe someday. I know of many people who would like me to announce that we are pregnant and believe me I would like to announce that someday. I sometimes feel like everyone is expecting me to announce that, every time I see them or talk to them or when they ask me what's new with hopeful eyes. Since most people know about our struggle there would be a a lot of happy people at that news and we have a lot of people praying that we will become pregnant again. There are a lot of people journeying with us on this road and there are times where I feel like I am letting people down by not getting pregnant. Our parents would obviously want grandchildren from us but how do you let them know that they are hoping for something that may never happen. I guess that is the point of hope, huh? It was heartbreaking when we had to tell our parents we were miscarrying only the day after we told them we were pregnant. So these thoughts of pregnancy and becoming pregnant led me into a deep reflection. Would you expect anything less from a carmelitic heart?

I am pregnant and I am called to be pregnant just like every other woman on earth. You are probably thinking what the heck is she talking about? Has she taken a trip to crazy town? No, I have not gone off the deep end at least not yet. As a woman I am called to be pregnant, it may not be physical but it must be spiritual. I am called to spiritual motherhood and to be pregnant with the gospel of Jesus Christ. There are two sources that are the inspiration for these posts. One is JPII's letter to women, Mulieris Dignitatem, and the other is a book called Reed of God by Caryll Houselander. The book is divided into four parts and I will be drawing a little from each part. I cannot recommend this book enough, if you ever get the chance to read it you will get something out of it.

The first chapter is titled Emptiness. Ugh, I know IF can make a woman feel really empty but we must be empty for Christ to take up that space. So what kind of empty are you? Houselander, describes three different types of virginal emptiness that Mary possessed.

" Are we reed pipes? Is He waiting to live lyrically through us? Are we chalices? Does He ask to be sacrificed in us? Are we nests? Does He desire of us a warm, sweet abiding in domestic life at home?"

 I feel like I have been all of these at different times through this IF journey. When I am promoting NFP and NaPro I feel like I am a reed pipe being played and the musician is God. When I am struggling through the sorrow of not getting pregnant every month or when we miscarried Cecilia I identify with the chalice. Now I feel like I am the nest preparing for what is to come. I am preparing my soul and womb with love, not just for my children but for humanity. In a practical way I have been making our home more clean, beautiful, and warm; a place where my husband wants to come home to everyday and where a child will be lavished with lots of love. So which empty are you at this point in your life?

Mary's Fiat was extraordinary and yet ordinary at the same time. Mary didn't have to acquire something before she gave herself to God. She did not have to find the secret treasure, do any fundraising, or climb the highest mountain. God used the exact material she was created with, her humanity.

"She was to give Him her body and soul unconditionally...She was not even asked to live it alone with this God who was her own being and whose Being was to be hers. No, He asked for her ordinary life shared with Joseph. She was not to neglect her simple human tenderness, her love for an earthly man, because God was her unborn child."

This passage speaks to me because with IF the husband sometimes gets pushed aside. The blood draws, surgeries, nutrition, and supplements are mostly concentrated on the woman. I know there have been times where I have been guilty of neglecting JJ and focusing too much on the end goal of children. Since I make a lot of my food from scratch because of my diet restrictions there have been times where I just throw a frozen dinner in the oven for him. Mary had the incredible gift of being the Mother of Christ yet she knew her role as a wife. This humbles me as I have a lot to learn especially because we as women can sometimes have the attitude of "I carried the child for 9months what more do you want? or I am the one having to be on this special diet and giving myself progesterone or HCG injections why can't you take care of yourself? or Don't I do enough for you?" We lose that sacrificial love for our husbands that Mary had for Joseph. Our Fiat is in our saying "yes dear, I will serve you seconds...sure I can do an extra load of laundry...sure I can go pick up your razors from target." Now I am not saying that we are our husband's slaves in any way but that we often neglect their needs. I speak from the perspective of IF but those with children on this earth will have a different experience.

We are called to be empty so that the Christ child can fill up that space in our womb and hearts. If we do not love the Christ child and give of ourselves to him how can we expect to do the same for a child we so eagerly await. When we lost Cecilia I felt incredibly empty, there was no baby to nurture or grow inside me. During that time of sorrow and emptiness I was allowing Jesus to be sacrificed in me and offering my whole self, even my not so healthy body. For every time I touched my empty belly and cried out to God to help me understand why He was asking me to be His chalice. Why must we be emptied out? So that God can fill us up, of course! Which will be covered in part two…

 

Side Note: Prayer Buddy I have not posted it but I have been praying for you! Which I will reveal who you are on Christmas Eve J