I know, I know you think this post is really late, but it really is not. I have been thinking about the New Year's hype and if I even care about it all. I have never really been into resolutions or going out to celebrate the New Year. This year has been no different. I keep trying to make myself care, but I just don't. I am more into the fact that it is technically still Christmas. And it will still be Christmas in our house until the traditional Epiphany on Jan 6th!
I have been praying and pondering what I want from this Christ child, this Messiah, this King, this Savior. What is my prayer and what are my desires? This is what I have come up with so far: I want the Christ child to help me, save me, heal me and change me. That is all. Pretty simple huh? Well not so much, when we consider the inner working of the human heart and the concupiscence that we are all born with.
I want Him to help me do what God is asking me to do. I don't just want the grace that He provides, I want to skillfully use it and be cognizant to call upon it when I need it. I know that the grace is there, but I want to be more aware of when I need it. Often we do not ask God for the grace to become more Christ like in those moments of anger, frustration, selfishness or when we are sleep deprived. We usually ask for grace in those moments of silent prayer or peaceful adoration when we are at our best, but we need Him the most when we are at our worst. So, that is my prayer; that Christ help me to be aware of when I need grace.
I want Him to save me; mostly to save me from myself. I want to be saved from my perfectionist ideals; that I must be perfect, that I am perfect and that others need be perfect. I have always wanted to do things perfectly. I am a classic type A personality, yet I am quite messy in my personal space. I want the walls of needing to be perfect to be torn down so that God can perfect my soul and not my external surroundings. I want my heart to love Him more perfectly. Mainly, I don't want to get in the way of God's will or His movements in my life. I want to get out of the way and let Him do His work!
I want Him to heal me from my fears. A lot of the time I base my decisions on fear. How much will this hurt? Will this kill me? Will I look stupid? Will anybody get hurt? I am so tired of fear being a dominant force in my life. I need healing in this area. I need courage; the kind that only the Holy Spirit can infuse in me. This past year God has been working on these things with me, but I want to surrender even more and take this healing to the next level. I want courage to be the driving force in my life, not fear.
I want Him to change me by continually transforming me into who He made me to be. I recently celebrated my 15 year anniversary of giving my life to Christ. I was baptized as a baby and did all the Sacraments I was suppose to at the age I was suppose to... my mother made sure of it. But I had not fully surrendered my life to Christ. I have been reflecting on how I have changed since then. My ideals and habits have become different. Even though I have been walking the talk for these past fifteen years, I know there are many areas that I can grow in. I want Him to change my heart so that His will is all that I desire. There is a song that we used to sing in youth group that said, "Change my heart O God, make it ever true. Change my heart O God, may I be like you. You are the potter, I am the clay." That is my prayer; to be molded by The Potter. That is my prayer for all of you.
Happy New Year, and more importantly, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!