Friday, January 17, 2014

2 Years Ago (Part One)

Today is the anniversary of our miscarriage we had two years ago. This will be part one of the account which I will primarily focus on what happened physically. The second part will focus on the emotional and spiritual account. This is more detail about the miscarriage so I understand if some would not want to read this, it's not pretty but I really feel like I need to write this for me.

 Two years ago my life was changed forever by this one event, even more so than the day we got the positive pregnancy test. The dream we had hoped for, longed for and prayed for was no longer there, she was gone. This little person that I was entrusted with was no longer safely nestled inside me. I remember the chaos of that morning like it was yesterday. 

I was told to rest by my Dr. the day before because I had some brown spotting that we were concerned about as we would be past the point of implantation bleeding. She said it might be some leftover implantation bleeding but was concerned because my hcg was not where it should be. I was told to rest until we were suppose to come in for our 6weeks ultrasound in a few days. So we rested and prayed that day after we went to the grocery store. We actually told our parents we were pregnant that day because we were suppose to go out to lunch with them but I was having some morning sickness so we told them over the phone. I remember the joy I heard in their voices, we finally got to give them "the news" after years of trying, surgery, blood draws, charting and medications. We prayed and asked God to spare our baby and that we would get to meet her this side of heaven, we prayed the guardian angel prayer for her and asked God to give us peace. We went to bed that night and JJ kissed my belly and told the baby I love you and good night like he had every night since we found out we were pregnant. Thankfully I was able to get to sleep that night as I needed my rest for what was to come. 

I woke up around 4:15am which is 15min. before JJ's alarm goes off for him to get up for work because I really needed to pee. I checked the bed to make sure I didn't see any blood and felt a sigh of relief and had hope that we would get to meet our baby. So I went to the restroom and the hope faded quickly because as I wiped it felt different so I checked and all I saw was blood. Bright red blood. My heart sank and knew we would not get to hold our little one. I started panicking, what should I do? So I grabbed a pad and put it on as the tears started to flow. I woke up JJ and broke the news to him, he asked me what we should do and he wanted to take me to the hospital. I didn't want to go so we decided to call the Dr., poor Dr. I called her so early, she said just to relax and let it happen naturally. She advised me to take ibuprofen and if the clots got bigger than an egg I would need to come in.

 JJ held me and we wept and wept and wept. Then I panicked that our baby wasn't baptized nor did we give her a name so JJ got some holy water that my mother brought back from the Jordan River for us and he baptized the baby and blessed me. I flipped through my '62 Roman Missal to look for a name for the baby. I had so many names run through my head and then I was reading part of the prayers leading up to the consecration and the name Cecilia popped out at me. So we named the baby Cecilia Esperanza, I wanted to make sure I never forgot to hope because I knew my faith would be tested after this. 

At around 6am JJ asked how I was feeling physically and I said I was ok no major cramping so I didn't want to take the pain meds yet. I tried to go back to sleep through the tears hoping that this was just some bad dream that I could wake up from. Then at around 7:30 or 8am I started to have cramping so JJ gave me the pain meds. I went to the restroom again and saw a lot more blood and the cramping started to become more intense in intervals, I knew this was labor. I started to feel dizzy, light headed and started sweating. I tried to get to the bed quickly so I could rest but as soon as I got there I vomitted and collapsed. JJ caught me and put me on the bed and brought me new blankets and clothes. I knew the pain meds would not help me anymore and that's when the pain got more intense. For fear I would vomit again I decided to just camp out in the bathroom, JJ was there right beside me rubbing my back through the contractions. I counted them out and breathed through them trying not to fight what my body was doing. I breathed in and out then prayed, in and out then prayed as the pain got more intense I thought I was going to pass out. I let the tears flow and didn't fight them so I wasn't hysterical as I knew that would make the pain worse. JJ prayed right beside me and we contiued like this for about 2 hours. I tried to relax and get into a fetal position to rest but that was not comfortable at all. 

When the pain started to subside we decided it was safe to go lie down in the bed. I felt so weak and tired but I couldn't fall back asleep so we just stayed there in silence holding each other knowing we were both exhausted and devastated. For the rest of that day I cried, prayed and slept. JJ made the phone calls to our parents and friends, he was so wonderful through it all but I am not surprised as he is an amazing man. It was so hard to break the news to our parents because just 24hrs before we were rejoicing with them. My mother came over and helped to take care of me and just cried with me.  Our close friends brought us food and we were so grateful for that and it really made us feel loved at such a hard time. 

We didn't know what we were suppose to do as far as the catholic way to handle a miscarriage, we didn't know we could give our tiny baby a burial as most people would not consider her a baby because she was just shy of 6weeks. So we treated it like a heavy period. I still carry so much guilt from not knowing and not giving her a proper burial, I wish someone would've told us. The following days and weeks I bled and felt pretty weak but the physical pain was over and the emotional and spiritual battle was still to come. 


  1. I am sure it took a lot of strength to retell that experience again..Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings.

  2. I am so sorry for all the pain...

  3. I will pray for you today, Kat.
    Thank you so much for sharing this--I've been thinking lately about writing about my miscarriage, too. I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain (mine wasn't so bad, physically), and for the loss of your little Cecelia.

  4. I got choked up reading this =( I'm so sorry, again, for your loss of baby Cecilia (such a beautiful name). You are a brave woman and I pray God gives you much comfort the next few days!

  5. Thank you for sharing this; I can understand how the day you lost Cecilia changed your life so much more than the day you had a positive pregnancy test. I am so glad that your families were supportive and helpful. I hope and pray that you will find a way to forgive yourself for not knowing that you would have been able to give her a proper burial; she knows that you love her and did everything for her that you knew to do at that time.

  6. It can't be easy sharing this story. I'm so sorry for the pain. I can little Cecilia was so loved by you guys.

  7. Thank you for sharing this. I can't imagine going through something like that. :(

  8. Thank you for sharing this Kat. My biggest regret in life is not burying our babies from our two early miscarriages, so this post resonated a lot with me. I carried a lot of guilt and sorrow around and finally was able to talk with a Priest and it was so very healing. I will pray for your continued healing.