Monday, December 3, 2012
Baby Showers and Mother's Day
Every IF gal has to figure out how they are going to deal with baby showers and Mother's day festivities that you will be invited to. To go or not to go? That is the question and if I do go What kind of gift do I bring?...How long do I stay?...Will there be liquor and chocolate available? Is it co-ed or just gals? If you are Catholic and pro-life and most of your friends are then baby showers are pretty much inevitable. If you are a fertile gal reading this you probably are thinking what's wrong witha baby shower or Mother's Day. Well nothing is wrong with them originally butsince struggling with IF it has been more painful than celebratory at times.
This past Mother's day I did not want to celebrate my mom(sorry mom), I wanted to be as far away from Mother's day celebrations as possible. We went to Tridentine Latin Mass which we love but also for the reason that they don't do the whole all the mother's stand up and we pray for them and clap then give them a flower as they process out. I don'tlike this for the obvious reason of what about those trying to become a mother and I think it's disruptive to the Mass. After Mass we went to go eat and watch a movie with one of our friends. When we got that text from our friend that he was gonna go out on mother's day it was a perfect excuse for JJ and I to ditch mother's day stuff, again sorry moms. It was what I needed because I was still physically and emotionally a wreck from the miscarriage. I would cry at mother's day advertisements and my hypoglycemia was out of control so I wanted to just chill. I did get a couple of texts from dear friends who knew about the miscarriage and wished me a happy mother's day, that made me feel special. It turned out to be a great day.
Why is mother's day so hard? Well it is a reminder of what you are not as an IF gal or if you've suffered a miscarriage it reminds you that you don't get to hold the child that you once carried. So when people try and make you feel bad for not celebrating mother's day it makes it more painful because they don't understand or are not even trying.
Baby showers are a whole different animal altogether. I haven't gone to a baby shower in years because it has been confusing and painful. I was suppose to go to the baby shower of a blogger/friend this year but it was too close to when we lost Cecilia that JJand I could not bring ourselves to go. We got two baby shower invitations that week and our new niece was born around that same time so I just lost it, one invite was in the shape of a onsie. Do we regret not going to baby showers? Yes and no. I do want to celebrate new life and am happy when people are pregnant but the ceremony of a baby shower is torture to me. The whole event is about the fact that the woman is "going" to be a mom. Hello she already is a mom! She is pregnant! I don't regret not going because I knew at that time, I would not be able to be there and not ball my eyes out. I also did not want to take the attention away from the celebration of the life waiting to be born.
I feel like I am at a place now to be able to go to baby showers or try going to a baby shower. I don't know how it will be but I am willing to try. Hopefully the next one will be co-ed so JJ can go too. I don't want my fertile family and friends to be afraid to invite me to stuff, I think that would hurt even more. I at least want the option to decide whether or not I want to go. There was one time where I was not directly invited to a baby shower because my mom was suppose to tell me about it. Well at the time my PMS was still really bad and I was going to have my surgery soon so my abdominal pain was very evident. So my response to the situation was something like, News flash people: I am married and don't live at my mom's house anymore! That really hurt, I felt like just because I did not have kids I was not fit to send an invite to. You can guess I did not attend that shower.
It eventually all worked out, I was able totalk to my mom about why I was so upset, she did not understand at the time. I was able to open up and dialogue with my mom about the struggle of IF, which she may not understand but she is willing to listen. Also the baby in question of that baby shower became my goddaughter! Now I get to share with her why nina was not at her baby shower, when she is old enough to understand of course. I also get to pray for her in a special way and I pray she never experiences IF or miscarriage.
Going through IF has made me wonder if I would even want a baby shower if we are so blessed to be pregnant again. I think I would much rather have an after birth celebration combined with baptism. Also what if we get to adopt first, then it would be an adoption day celebration with baptism. There seems to be a running theme here Baptism! I am curious as to how other gals going through fertility issues deal with baby showers or mother's day? Or gals now on the other side of IF did you have a baby shower?