Monday, January 28, 2013
Ode to JJ
As JJ was leaving for work at his usual before the sun comes up hour I had a new found appreciation for him. He was kissing me goodbye and asking me to pray for his work day as it was going to be more difficult than usual. He wakes up for work at 4:30am and sometimes 3:30am so it is amazing that I was even awake to see him off. We said are gushy goodbyes and I prayed for him as he was leaving.
After he left I thought about how our children are going to be so blessed to have him as their father! This is coming from a girl who didn't have a relationship with her father and when I did it was rocky at best. JJ reminds me a lot of what I think St. Joseph was like. Honest, just, hard working, contemplative and self sacrificing are traits that JJ possesses. JJ will also hopefully be an adoptive father like St. Joseph was. If I were JJ I would complain about having to wake up so early for work and drive 60 miles round trip daily to go to work but he doesn't. Sometimes he wants to stay home in bed and sleep until the sun rises but he doesn't, he goes to work knowing he is supporting us with the work of his hands. He doesn't like to ask me to rub his feet or back because he doesn't want to bother me, which I tell him he isn't and that I want him to ask me to do stuff for him.
Knowing that our children will have him as an example as they grow up feels my heart with joy. He will one day pick them up when they fall off their bike, dust them off and give them the love and confidence they need to try again until they get it, that is something I never had. Parents are always trying to give their kids the things they never had, it usually means material things but for me I want my children to have JJ. I never had a "JJ" growing up but I am so glad my children will. The best of all thing that my children will get from JJ is they will see what it is to know, love and serve God.
It is interesting that after I wrote this portion of the post I had a dream that some woman was trying to steal JJ away from me. I have these dreams once in awhile and in my dream I go into a ghetto mode of "girl, get away from my man or I will beat your butt!" I admit this is not the most Christian response but hey it's in my dreams I have no control over it! This is all from the fear that I will lose JJ which at its root is the fear of abandonment. When we first got married I feared that I would be left a widow early in our marriage. While this is a normal fear to have it would give me anxiety. Then when facing IF I had a fear that JJ secretly resented me or regretted marrying me. Then the fear progressed that he would leave me for a woman who is "fertile". With each layer of different fears God has been healing this wound. Through all of my crazy fears and doubts JJ is there with his faith in God and readiness to love me.
IF can really test a marriage and drive you apart if you let it. JJ could say that it is too much for him at times and distance himself from me but he doesn't. He could complain that we eat too healthy or that we drive 1.5hrs to see our NaPro Dr. but he doesn't. I am not trying to make it sound like it is so horrible to be married to me, hey I am a fantastic cook and baker! It is just hard to be a Catholic married couple now in days and deal with IF.
Throughout this IF journey JJ has been by my side. He has been there when my PMS is bad, when we stay home and cancel our plans because my cramps are awful, when I am sad that we are yet again not pregnant, and when people ask if we have any kids he puts his arm around me. He has not left my side or made me feel like a failure once during this whole time. He has shared with me his deepest disappointment and grief when we lost Cecilia. He has led us in prayer and to seek God's will even when I am reluctant to follow. He reminds us to do our family prayer and go to confession regularly. He is a constant reminder to me that God is love and never leaves us. I am in awe of God's blessings that I get to be married to him.
No JJ is not perfect and neither am I, we are in need of God's grace and mercy daily! I am just incredibly thankful for JJ and who he is. If we don't get to have any children here on earth biological or adopted I am still called to live out my vocation by loving JJ. It is so easy to see the negative things in each other when you are married because you are in such close proximity. God can give anyone the grace to have a holy marriage if you are open to it, frequenting the sacraments is always a good idea. I am very thankful for JJ and pray we have many more years to come to live out our vocation!