As a melancholic I internalize and over analyze all of the options as well as see all the possible disasters. This can easily make me overwhelmed which makes me freeze up and not take action. This is why someone like me needs spiritual direction, so I started back in December. I would've started sooner but every priest I have asked for spiritual direction has said no in the past until this last one must have seen the desperation in my plea and said yes. I really was at a point where I had no idea what to go toward because at that point I needed someone to help me take action.
It was easier to discern stopping medical treatment because JJ and I both felt it was time to let go knowing we had undergone all we were comfortable doing as far as medical treatment. I got a huge consolation and confirmation from God that it was the right thing for us at this time. On Turesday before Ash Wednesday or Fat Tuesday I got my blood results back from my NaPro Dr. She said all of my post peak hormone levels are within normal range which means I could stop the post peak progesterone and stop charting! I was so overwhelmed with gratitude for where I am now. I even thought "well if my hormones are normal does that mean I could be pregnant too?" That wasn't the case as the next day on Ash Wedsnesday aunt flow arrived. I wasn't too bummed about it I just really hate my period. I started Lent infertile and I am starting Easter just the same. It has been such a huge relief not to chart and take progesterone post peak, even if I have to start again because my hormones go haywire again I am just going to enjoy this time I have now not worrying about it. I actually don't have time to worry about it because....
We are staring the process of adoption!!! Here is how we came to the decision...
We have always known we were open to adoption even before we knew we couldn't have biological children. We talked about it before we got married as a way to expand our family whether we had biological children or not. I feel like I have always had a heart for adoption even when I didn't know all that it entailed and even now knowing all it will entail. So during spiritual direction I brought my concerns and thoughts about adoption, foster care and being a family of two. Now my spiritual director is not melenacholic like myself he is choleric and cholerics are not the most sensitive people, which I was concerned about in the beginning, because I had to share my innermost thoughts about infertility and childlessness. It turns out he is exactly who I needed to help me with this discernment! He takes action and pushes others to take action, he is a perfectionist which we have in common.
I knew adoption was the way to go after our last appt. right when Lent had begun. Padre said something that provoked a strong reaction in myself. He was trying to help me lay out all my options and gave me some suggestions. There was one suggestion that I was not to keen on, well most of them really but the one in particular that I wasn't liking at all was the one about helping out the moms with large families who homeschool by coming over a couple times a week to do a lesson for their children or help in whatever way they needed. Now Padre knows of my child development background so I understand where he was coming from. That suggestion prompted a strong reaction in me and I probably had a look of disgust on my face. Padre could see it on my face so we talked about that suggestion.
I am glad he said what he did even though at first the suggestion hurt and I did not take well to it. It really got me to say what I had been needing to say for awhile. I eventually said out loud in front of someone else "I want to be a mom! I want to do homeschool lessons for my children. I don't want to take care of other peoples' kids I want to take care of my children." I hadn't let myself say that or feel that for awhile, ever since losing Cecilia I tried to turn off my desire to be a mother. I tried to escape the fact that I want to deal with a fussy baby and toddler tantrums, I want to baptize our children and homeschool them, I want to teach them how to love as they teach me and push me every day to love beyond the borders of my heart, I want to be a mother.
After that statement which was so powerful for me to say out loud, we looked at the options in which JJ and I could become parents. We discussed more medical treatment and I probably had a sheer look of terror on my face, so we decided that it was right to close that chapter. We talked about foster care in length and decided that wasn't it either. We looked at the option of me going back to work with children and fulfilling my motherly role in that way but that didn't seem quite right either. So finally Padre said "It sounds like the only thing that would fit your life and this desire that you have would be adoption. It seems like when you talk about it that's what you want to do. What is stopping you from adoption?" Then I educated him on the cost of adoption as well as all that it entails. Once he picked his jaw up off the floor from learning about the cost his response was something to the effect of "So if cost weren't an obstacle you would adopt. Well let's make it happen! We will figure out fundraising and all that but if this is what you and JJ both want let's get moving." So my assignment after that appointment was to talk with JJ and if we were both on the same page to make an appt. with Padre to talk about it more. So that is kind of where we are, we will be moving forward with adoption! It has been busy lately with Lent and Easter so we haven't had an appt. with Padre but hopefully soon.
We did narrow down our agency options to one agency or possibly working with a private adoption attorney. We have been pre-approved by the one agency and I still need to get a hold of the private adoption attorney to see if they are taking any clients and what their process looks like. It has been so much work just researching, calling and going to info meetings but it has also been exciting and invigorating. I don't know exactly how long our wait will be but I know that God will give us endurance during the wait. It has felt so freeing just to pursue something that we desire even if it's hard or it may be a dead end, we are moving toward adoption. When I think about adoption it gives me hope even though I know a birth mother may never choose us there is still the hope that she might. In contrast when I think about medical treatment and biological children I don't get that same hope. I know adoption is not easy and parenting adopted children is no cake walk but it is what we desire.
Please pray for us on this new adventure! We are very excited and I have wanted to write about it for sometime but I wanted to wait until we were ready to share the news. May God reward you!