Monday, May 19, 2014

How to Meet a Birth Mother w/out Going Insane!

So our adoption facilitators told us early last week that they were going to show our profile to a new birth mother. The one from a couple weeks ago they hadn't heard from again so we are pretty sure she chose to parent. They showed the birth mother 6 profiles and we were the couple that she wanted to meet, the one she liked the most. I was in shock and I was amazed she wanted to meet us considering I put the profile together in only a couple hours. They let us know late afternoon on Friday that she wanted to meet us on Sunday if we were available. I believe the words from the facilitator were "what does your Sunday look like?" My response was "whatever you want it to look like? Tell us when and where, we will be there." I am glad they told us only two days before so I didn't have too much time to agonize over the meeting. We were going to meet the facilitators on Saturday anyway so that put us more at ease so we could ask them a lot of our questions. So here are my tips that may help you get through what could be the most awkward, nervous, exciting and uncomfortable meeting of your life! 

1. Pray, pray and pray some more!

Start praying right away for peace, whatever may come. Pray for the birth mother and her discernment and for the baby who could potentially become your child. Get others to pray for you, gather up your prayer warriors so that you know you will be surrounded in prayer. Knowing that we had the support of our friends and family through prayer was such a huge relief. Pray a rosary on the way to the meeting! My DH suggested we pray a rosary while we were on the freeway and although I was a ball of nerves and didn't want to I went with it. It was so good for me to focus on prayer and ask Our Lady to intercede for us, it really calmed my nerves. 

2. Do your hair and make-up

Now I am not saying this for vanity's sake or trying to sell yourself to the birth mother. It is more so that you feel more at ease. Let's face it when we feel beautiful we feel more confident in who we are. Plus I find doing my hair and make-up pretty relaxing because I put on my favorite music to get ready to and just concentrate on getting ready. 

3. Be Comfortable

Do things and surround yourself with what gives you comfort. Listen to your favorite music on the way there, wear a favorite bracelet or pair of earrings. If you have a favorite rosary bring it with you in your purse. Being comfortable will make you more relaxed and more yourself which is who the birth mother wants to get to know. 

4. Embrace the Situation and Be Random

Now don't be all random and all over the place when you are meeting with her, do that before. When I found out she wanted to meet us I had all these thoughts and feelings that were jumbled together. I embraced my crazy and just let it happen. There would be times where I would just shout "Ahhhhh!" when JJ and I were home or in the car on the way there. I cried because I was overwhelmed by the supportive response we got from family and friends who were surrounding us in prayer. I even cried on the way there because it gave me hope which is hard to come by when you have been dealing with infertility. 

5. Bring a Small Gift 

This may sound a little odd but I think it's a nice ice breaker. Ask your agency or facilitator a little about her so you know what may be appropriate. We found out she likes candy so we got her some of our favorite candies and it turned out her and I both love the savory and sweet combination which was one of the candies we got her. This helped us to break the ice a bit and made it feel a little less awkward. 

6. Remember You Are Both Human

This may sound obvious but I think we can forget this as you and the birth mother are in opposite situations, she is pregnant and you desperately want to have a child. You feel judged because you think she is critiquing your every move and she feels judged for being in the situation that brought her to choose adoption. JJ and I really tried to treat this as if we were meeting any new person for the first time. We allowed her to control the conversation so she could feel comfortable asking us questions which wasn't that difficult because she was naturally extroverted and we are naturally introverted. I tried to be a little more extroverted so that I was consciously not drawing too inward which I tend to do around new strangers. Be honest with your answers because you are not perfect and she should get to know the real you, she is trying to make the best decision for the baby that she can and I am sure it is not easy. 

7. Celebrate

When it's all said and done whether or not you find out if you are a match that day go out and celebrate in a small way. This helped us to feel good about the accomplishment that we had done, it was one more thing on the adoption journey that we had experienced. Even if she doesn't choose us we now know what happens at a meeting with a birth mother so we have some experience under our belts. JJ and I went out for frozen yogurt afterwards and it was just what we needed! 

So those are my tips for meeting with a birth mother. All in all we had a great experience! We will find out this week if she chooses us so please keep us in your prayers! Our facilitators said 90% of the time if a birth mother has chosen to meet with you it's usually a match but the melancholic in me is thinking about the other 10% of the time. I have a pretty busy week ahead with clients and the retreat coming up on Saturday so I won't have too much time to agonize about it but let's be real I will be thinking about it a lot. Please keep her, our facilitators and us in your prayers this week, thank you! St. Joseph, pray for us! 


  1. WOW Kat, how exciting!! I will pray for you to have peace and if it's God's will to become parents to this little one! I can't imagine what emotions you've gone through / are going through - what an experience!

  2. First, CONGRATS, Kat!! You made it through a stressful step and it sounds like you did a rockstar job of it. :) I really hope you get some good news soon! And second, I hope I get to use all your tips soon! I'll be keeping them in the back of my mind until we get a call from the agency. Hugs!

  3. Thank you for sharing. Will keep you in prayer and will most definitely share this with other friends looking to adopt.

  4. This is an amazing update!!! I am so excited for you guys, and I will definitely be praying!!!!!!

  5. Congrats! It sounds like you made it through with flying colors.

  6. Great news!! You will be in my prayers. How long have you been waiting to adopt? Thank you for the tips. I have thought about the meeting of our birthmother when we get chosen and my stomach goes into knots. It has to be nerve wracking. If you could please also say a prayer for my husband and I. A birthmom is looking at our profile. She has about 5-6 to choose from. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I'm just glad our profile is finally be shown and our agency has a birthmom. I can't wait to see if you have been chosen or not. :) exciting!!

  7. Oh my goodness! Crazy weekend. Sounds like things went extremely well on your end. What a great experience (though nerve-wrecking) to go through. Can't wait to hear more from you. Praying it all works out in your favor.

  8. Wow! Praying for good news for you, and peace either way!

  9. Wow...this seems to be happening so fast for you! Great tips..thanks for sharing. I like the small gift idea. I know if/when we ever get to meet an expectant mother...I will be nervous.

  10. This is absolutely wonderful news!! I'm so happy for you that you got to take such an amazing step in this process. I will certainly be coming back to your post when that time comes for us for some much needed advice! Prayers for you and JJ!

  11. These are a great list of really practical things! They make a lot of sense, but I'm not sure if I would have thought of them. Praying that everything happens in a way that will be best for all involved!

  12. Any news??? I have been praying for you. If I'm so excited to hear about if the birthmom chose you guys I can't imagine what you are feeling!