I can't believe it's all over and done with! All the months of planning and advertising culminated yesterday in a beautiful Mass. You know that feeling when you have done the will of God or a task He has put before you and it's over and you just feel like our Heavenly Father is pleased with you? Yeah, I am in that feeling right now. I know it's not through any awesomeness on my part, it's through God's Awesomesness that it all was done. Whoever needed to be there came and hopefully those who did need it and were not able to come will find healing.
I had picked out the readings with Fr. P, our pastor, who was all set to do the Mass. We set up the courtyard and meeting room for some refreshments afterward and the choir had all the songs picked out. Then as I was in the sacristy about half an hour before Mass Fr. L in formed me that Fr. P was ill and couldn't do the Mass. Enter small, ok big internal freak out on my part! Fr. L said he would be doing the Mass, Fr. L is a newly ordained priest so I felt bad for him to take on this heavy subject on a moments notice. Fr. L wanted to use incense which made me very happy because JJ and I really love incense at Mass.
I showed him the gospel so he could prepare a homily and internally prayed that the Holy Spirit would guide him. Oh boy did the Holy Spirit answer my prayer! Fr. L's homily could not have been more perfect! He addressed the very real pain of child loss along with the gratitude for that life and hope in Christ. I think that the families there, including us, benefited greatly from Fr. L's approach. The choir sounded so beautiful and the lector did an excellent job. The Mass was overall done at a slower more reflective pace.
It was hard for me to focus though because I was one of the main organizers. There were times where I got choked up but I didn't allow myself to go there because I knew I would lose it and not be able to do what needed to be done after the Mass. I didn't really get to reflect until later that evening after the clean up and hanging out. When we got home and sat down I let the tears flow; the tears of mourning, healing and gratitude. I felt like we finally honored Cecilia properly, in the context of Holy Mass. I did it for her and all those little ones who often get forgotten. My mother as well as JJ's mom was there, they have both had a miscarriage. There were people there who I didn't even know had miscarriages and I see them at Mass regularly.
I am so glad we did this and I hope we can do this annually to remember Cecilia and all of those children. There was so much guilt and pain I had been carrying from not being able to have a burial place for Cecilia and I felt like God healed that part of my heart yesterday. I felt my motherhood more than I had ever felt before and for that I am truly grateful. Blessed be the name of The Lord!