I imagined many times what it would be like to write this post. I had hoped for this day for many years.
I am pregnant. What a heavy yet ordinary sentence. Having been dealing with infertility and reproductive issues for almost 10 years (well more than 10yrs if you count the horrendously painful cycles and awful PMS I started to have in high school) my mind is trying to understand that I am growing a human being in my body. Prior miscarriage coupled with the years of infertility make this experience for me so much different than your average pregnant mother. I have to exercise my anxiety and scrupulosity calming muscle A LOT more these days.
Taking things day by day and moment by moment is a challenge. So, I just have to go on with what I know right now which is that I am pregnant and my levels are looking great so far. Somedays I hate chicken but love red meat and vice versa. I need to praise God for the present moment and trust Him for the next. I need to be joyful and not just cautious about this pregnancy. There is a new life created through the merciful hand of God working through the ordinary function of our human bodies which He created.
Did I tell you yet that I did not do any trigger shots? I ovulated on my own this cycle and twice to boot once on each side! My usually low fertility signs were amazing on their own without any extra enhancer supplements! And my progesterone was looking great post peak with just taking the standard oral dose and no post peak hcg! When I went in for my NaPro appt. after the detox was done the doctor was pleased with how my chart looked so we scheduled an u/s for a week later to check for ovulation or a LUF. Well at the u/s appt. she confirmed ovulation on the right (which made me a little sad since that tube is blocked completely). She reminded me that the left tube can still pick up the egg from the right side so all hope was not lost. Then she went over to check the left and said "Well, you little over achiever! There is a corpus luteum on this side as well. Thank you Jesus!"
After the u/s we asked what the plans were for the next cycle. Then she said since I ovulated I did not need the trigger shots any more or post peak hcg shots since my progesterone came back great. I also did not need to do the detox supplements longer. She said basically just keep up with the nutrition plan, take some supplements that I was on prior to detox and my usual post peak progesterone. That was it! She would monitor to make sure there was no LUF each cycle but there was no official cycle plan. Little did we know that conception had already taken place and new life had sprung forth!
Crazy, right?! I am so used to getting bad news or needing to tweak something that I was stunned to not have such a regimented cycle plan to follow. I LOVE that God showed off His skills because really this could only be Him. I mean come on, I ovulated twice and I was one who had LUFS for years! I could not ovulate on my own without a trigger shot. That is totally God at work!
We tested on P+13 which was on a Sunday in October and it was actually the Feast of Christ the King in the Traditional Latin Mass calendar. I said a prayer before and just gave it all to God knowing that I would be OK either way. When I read the test I thought it was negative because it was not the tests that I am used to taking, JJ got a different brand this time. So, when I read the test I sighed and said "OK God not this cycle. You are still Christ the King." Then as I was getting ready to throw the test out with the box I glanced at the box and gasped. I had read the test wrong! It was positive! I kept saying "Wait, what?" over and over again which concerned JJ so he started coming toward the bathroom. I took the test to him and showed him that it was positive!
What a turn of events and emotions in a short amount of time. It is a moment that I hope I never forget. It felt different than when we found out about Cecilia. With Cecilia we were on cloud 9 and excited. With this baby our emotions have been more subdued, calm and peaceful. We don't have any rose colored glasses on and we know we have to take things day by day because we have a long road to July. We are excited yet realistic knowing that we entrust this little one to God and His plans for his/her life. I feel the weight of this responsibility and I am humbled and thankful to be entrusted with this little life.
I had many years to get comfortable with carrying the cross of infertility and miscarriage. Now, I hope I have many years to get used to carrying the cross of parenthood. My prayer is that I get to meet this baby, have them Baptized and they become a saint. I want God's will. That is all I want.
Gaudete! Deo Gratias!