Long Term Infertility

As JJ and I are approaching 7 years of marriage in December we will be going on 6 years of infertility. I never thought we would reach this milestone, I really thought this would be over by now. I know that no matter how long you go through infertility it is awful. I feel like I am in the oddest position since we have conceived before but we are technically still in the primary infertility category. As time goes by the feeling of disappointment is less and the confusion of "why not us" grows. I expect Aunt Flow to show up although I welcome her to take a vacation away from me anytime ;) 

As people get their ticket off of this island and they have been waiting for a year or much longer than that, the realization of being here is much more prevalent. There are less people to commiserate with about the woes of being infertile but at the same time you are glad that the island is getting less populated. I definitely feel like I have reached a "veteran" status so to speak as I help couples who are in the beginning stages of their journey through NaPro or meeting them through the events that I plan for couples dealing with infertility/miscarriage. 

I feel like I need to show couples who are in their first few years of infertility that YOU will survive and it will NOT always consume you, even if you never have any children. Your thoughts won't always be on having children, your life won't be run by a chart and you will be able to peacefully be around pregnant women. Yes, you will have your moments of sadness and jealousy but you will bounce back from them much quicker than you used to. You will find a way to live in God's will even though it may not be exactly what you thought it would be. You will learn to love your life just as it is, living in the present and not just on the future that you hope for. You will become a stronger more compassionate person if you are open to growing and you will not always feel jealous or bitter. You will be happy!  

I have been reflecting lately on the things I love about my life that I get to do because we are not parenting yet and we are no longer on the medical train. For example I started running after some motivation I got from Donna. If we were doing medical treatment our Dr. would caution me from starting to run because it could throw off my cycle. We recently started drinking raw milk and having more raw dairy products. Again if you are starting this while TTC and taking meds you would have to be more cautious about it. The thoughts of "what if I'm pregnant" don't come up as often before my period starts, formerly known as the 2ww. My schedule for seeing clients is more open and flexible without worrying about childcare. 

I feel like we are at a peaceful yet painful place. Peaceful because it is a gift given to me by the Holy Spirit. Painful because my body is still broken in some way and I can not give JJ the children we desire. It is such an odd feeling to know you don't have the control over the transmission of human life, God does. He is creator and I am His creature, nothing more but nothing less. Infertility is not my story, it's just a part of my story.  As the years go by without conceiving our chances of having biological children become less so we are navigating what our life is going to look like. We are learning to love our life in the now and not what could be. I hope I can grow in grace with each infertile passing year. If I ever do get off this island I want to be able to look back and say I spent my time wisely living in God's will.