Friday, October 17, 2014

Long Term Infertility

As JJ and I are approaching 7 years of marriage in December we will be going on 6 years of infertility. I never thought we would reach this milestone, I really thought this would be over by now. I know that no matter how long you go through infertility it is awful. I feel like I am in the oddest position since we have conceived before but we are technically still in the primary infertility category. As time goes by the feeling of disappointment is less and the confusion of "why not us" grows. I expect Aunt Flow to show up although I welcome her to take a vacation away from me anytime ;) 

As people get their ticket off of this island and they have been waiting for a year or much longer than that, the realization of being here is much more prevalent. There are less people to commiserate with about the woes of being infertile but at the same time you are glad that the island is getting less populated. I definitely feel like I have reached a "veteran" status so to speak as I help couples who are in the beginning stages of their journey through NaPro or meeting them through the events that I plan for couples dealing with infertility/miscarriage. 


I feel like I need to show couples who are in their first few years of infertility that YOU will survive and it will NOT always consume you, even if you never have any children. Your thoughts won't always be on having children, your life won't be run by a chart and you will be able to peacefully be around pregnant women. Yes, you will have your moments of sadness and jealousy but you will bounce back from them much quicker than you used to. You will find a way to live in God's will even though it may not be exactly what you thought it would be. You will learn to love your life just as it is, living in the present and not just on the future that you hope for. You will become a stronger more compassionate person if you are open to growing and you will not always feel jealous or bitter. You will be happy!  


I have been reflecting lately on the things I love about my life that I get to do because we are not parenting yet and we are no longer on the medical train. For example I started running after some motivation I got from Donna. If we were doing medical treatment our Dr. would caution me from starting to run because it could throw off my cycle. We recently started drinking raw milk and having more raw dairy products. Again if you are starting this while TTC and taking meds you would have to be more cautious about it. The thoughts of "what if I'm pregnant" don't come up as often before my period starts, formerly known as the 2ww. My schedule for seeing clients is more open and flexible without worrying about childcare. 

I feel like we are at a peaceful yet painful place. Peaceful because it is a gift given to me by the Holy Spirit. Painful because my body is still broken in some way and I can not give JJ the children we desire. It is such an odd feeling to know you don't have the control over the transmission of human life, God does. He is creator and I am His creature, nothing more but nothing less. Infertility is not my story, it's just a part of my story.  As the years go by without conceiving our chances of having biological children become less so we are navigating what our life is going to look like. We are learning to love our life in the now and not what could be. I hope I can grow in grace with each infertile passing year. If I ever do get off this island I want to be able to look back and say I spent my time wisely living in God's will. 




22 comments:

  1. I love this post. I have been thinking lately how I feel much the same way... It still hurts not to be married or have kids, but it is much less consuming. I love that you're out running!

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    1. Yes hurt is still there but doesn't ache as much. Running is so much fun!

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  2. This is such a hope-filled post. Since we have both hit or are coming up on milestones, I can relate in so many ways. Our six year anniversary and five year anniversary ttc is in October. You are right, there are so many blessings in our life that we can apprecaite while we don't have little ones, and also so many areas where we can serve more deeply, and also stand by those just starting to go through IF. God bless you! ...also yay for running, it has been a big stress reliever for me.

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    1. I think it's really important for us who have been living with infertility for longer periods of time to help the ones who are just starting out especially if they are going through medical treatment because it's so stressful.

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  3. This post reminds me how I felt while coming to peace with infertility.It was really healing for us after 5 years of recurrent loses to accept IF and to live in the present without worrying about the future. Prayers for peace and joy. Praying that God fills the longing in your heart.

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  4. Yep....Living God's Will...that is what I'm all about. I don't look at IF as wasted time for my dh and I have been living...I got a master's degree, my dh has grown with the Knights of Columbus (and is moving mountains in that org) and so many other things. Yes, I get sad we don't have children but I do know that we have been making the best of the gifts God did give us!

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    1. Great point about making the best of the gifts that god has given us! There are other gifts besides child rearing that God has given us and we should use them to the best of our ability for His glory.

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  5. this is so beautiful. I am sorry for your pain but am thankful for your example of dealing with IF with such faith and grace.

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    1. Yay for inspiration! (((Hugs))) Ecce :)

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  7. A very beautiful post. Finding a way for life to not be ruled by your chart is really tough. I think I am slowly getting there. It's a bumpy road though. We are similar in that I never feel like I fit in an IF category because it's primary for us, but we've had early miscarriage. Thank you for taking the time to write this post. 7 years is not the kind of anniversary any of us want to mark... but you've done it with tremendous grace here. Prayers for your journey.

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    1. Thank you! It is a very odd felling to have conceived before but not be able to again isn't it? Prayers for you too!

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  8. such a wonderful message about Gods will for us. Finding a way to live in God's will even though it may not be what you dreamed it would be. Loving your life just as it is, living in the present and not just on the future that you hope for. And still being grateful for all the blessings God does send. Different blessings than you planned, or imagined. I would guess that you have become a stronger more compassionate person than you were at the begining of this journey . I know it must be a hard struggle, a growing in virtue to not feel jealous or bitter . Thank you so much for sharing and I am inspired by your trust in HIS will for you.

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    1. Thank you Martha! Gratitude is something I have always struggled with and God is giving me the grace to become more and more grateful for what and who I do have. Prayers for you friend!

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  9. I have nothing profound to say, but know of my prayers for you.

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  10. I love this line: "We are learning to love our life in the now and not what could be." Because that is so hard, so it's so beautiful to hear that you're there. It's so true. When I look back on our IF years, I want to remember all the wonderful things that came from them. Despite the pain, there is still beauty in the wait. You and JJ are an amazing example. Know of my prayers for you!

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    1. Thank you! It's bit easy to stay in the now but I feel like I am making small strides every day.

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  11. Prayers for you & JJ... 8+ years down the road, I don't fully feel like i've gotten off the island yet.. So from your sentence. You will find a way to live in God's will even though it may not be exactly what you thought it would be. I often got asked why I taught Religion at our church when I didn't have children. I told them I was called to that, whether they were my "children" or not. That's what I was called to do. I don't ever regret a day/week/month/year teaching other people's children. I can't wait til the day, I have my own child in my class.

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    1. I am not sure when formerly IF people feel like they've gotten off the island especially with prior losses. I think that probably happens after birth when you are caring for a new born? Idk. I love that you teach religious ed! What a beautiful way to use your gifts :)

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