On top of that we recently got another diagnosis for me from my NaPro Dr. I have an MTHFR genetic mutation. What is this you say? I am still figuring this out myself and have been reading up and researching it for the past couple days. The Dr. wants me to start on a couple supplements and make sure I don't have anything with folic acid. The nurse on the phone that told me was so nonchalant about it and I was thinking "I have a genetic mutation woman! This is serious!." If I did by the off chance get pregnant this cycle I would more than likely lose the baby, so this is the first cycle that I am actually hoping we didn't conceive.
Most women don't get tested for this until they've had multiple miscarriages but I had a strong hunch so I asked my NaPro Dr. to check for it. She did suggest doing some in depth genetic testing before so she was open to me testing for this first. For us this is more about making sure I am healthy and infertility is a symptom of something greater going on. No it's not in my head and won't just happen if I "relax". If my genetic mutation could relax that would be great, preferably on a beach in Hawaii with a fruity drink. Since it's genetic that means some of my family members can have it too. This is partly exciting because it is giving us some answers as to why we are still unable to conceive.
We will also be doing an u/s series next cycle to check to see if I'm ovulating, the quality of ovulation and to check if I have LUFS. LUFS is an luteal phase and ovulatory defect. We wanted to do this because with this new revelation we want to know some more info. so we can be prepared to treat my overall health. For women if ovulation is not taking place regularly then this can effect her overall entire health, unless she is pregnant, breastfeeding or in menopause of course. Again, some exciting stuff that will give us more answers.
All of this news lately has really challenged my self esteem. I thought I had self esteem issues when I was a teenager, that was nothing compared to this. The temptation to think I am broken and unworthy of my husband can be so great at times. Thank God for His mercy and steadfast love that tells me otherwise! When the infertility is on your end it can really challenge your self-esteem and feeling of worth. The thoughts of "why can't I just be normal?!" and "my poor husband is suffering because of me" can easily creep into my head and heart. The ability to be loved not for what I can do for him or give him but just because I am me parallels my relationship with God. Believing that God loves me not for what I can do or not do but because He is Love and can only give love blows my mind, especially when I think of my brokenness and what I lack.
This.is.tough. Another challenge to face and another diagnosis to learn about. I just want to respond in grace, suffer well and be present and compassionate to the sufferings of others. I hope this present suffering refines me and helps me to love better. There is no better way to increase your faith than to cling to God in suffering. Sanctification comes through suffering, Christ taught us so by His example.
"Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ on behalf of his body, which is the church..." Colossians 1:24
"I have been crucified with Christ; yet I live, no longer I, but Christ lives in me; insofar as I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who has loved me and given himself up for me." Galatians 2:20
It is days like these where I appreciate how holy my husband is. As the temptation to berate myself grows, his patient and steadfast love calls me out of myself to be present to him and respond to the love he is radiating out to me. He kisses my forehead and tells me I am "the best wife ever" which humbles me and reminds me how much God loves me. On days where I feel like a big fat failure my husband is there with his cheery smile and silly ways to make me laugh. On days where I feel like I am an unworthy disciple and a bad wife, Jesus is there in the Eucharist to draw me to Himself. On days like these I offer prayers for others and their sufferings but most importantly for their sanctification. This is refinement. Passio Christi, conforta me.
I always hate learning new diagnoses, especially since something new seems to come up every doctors visit. I really love the context you put it in though, that it leads to sanctification. Those scripture quotes are beautiful. Its so great that your your husband is such a beautiful reflection of God's love to you. I know I've been leaning extra hard on mine lately, and I'm so thankful he's there.
ReplyDeleteI know for me, it's easier to deal with suffering if I can out it in terms of sanctification. If I can offer it up for someone in need all the more better. I am so thankful for my husband too, he has a beautiful faith that I can learn so much from.
DeleteIt is so hard not to feel guilt, especially as the diagnoses pile up and they're all on your side. Some days it helps to have your husband say that "it isn't your fault, you didn't do this deliberately" and some days it doesn't (at least for me). I do want to add a different perspective regarding the MTHFR mutation; yes, you have a mutation in a significant gene that does cause real problems. However, everyone has some genetic mutations, though not all of them affect a protein's function. Is it something worth knowing? Yes, but having a mutation shouldn't be seen as the end of the world. Prayers for peace and learning! (Let me know if I can help you with anything; genetics was a big part of my grad training.)
ReplyDeleteStephanie, I think the guilt is the hardest part for me. I know we can treat and deal with a genetic mutation. It's just so hard sometimes to not feel like this is all on me. It is definitely part of my temperament to want to be perfect, please everyone and not be a burden. I know God is refining this part of my pride.
DeleteI would be happy to read any resources you have on mthfr, thank you! I have to call the Dr.'s office and make sure if I had the heterozygous or homozygous version of the less severe one.
We know how you feel in getting yet another diagnosis... I am sure if we continued to dig we would find even more... But it was getting to be just too much when we called it quits. We hope that LUFS is not added to everything, though knowing exactly why things are not working does bring a small amount of terrible comfort. Having LUFS I know I can just assume that my body is not working and there is like no chance (outside of a miracle from God) that I am going to be pregnant. Sad as it sounds, it it less of a let down on CD1.
DeleteOur heart breaks for you two. We hope for some sort of breakthrough in good news to come your way soon. I know that is what we are desperately hoping for too!
Just wanted to chime in and say that I, too, have the MTHFR heterozygous mutation. I remember finding this out, and feeling exactly as you did..."great, one more thing to add to the list." My original doctor in MN did not think any treatment was necessary (she checked my homocysteine levels and they were normal), but after doing some reading on it I asked to be put on an extra folic acid supplement. I also take a baby aspirin which can help with this. I'll be curious to see what your doctor recommends...but try to be gentle with yourself, you are most certainly not broken (though the "temptation to despair" can be so great). Your husband sounds like an incredible man--lean on him during this time, and most importantly, lean into God's love for you! Prayers for your family.
ReplyDeleteThat is a tough blow to deal with new diagnosis and treatments, and to feel so broken. It is so beautiful and inspiring how you are using your brokenness to lead you closer to God. Sometimes im tempted to do the opposite. Thank goodness for our hubbies!!!!
ReplyDeleteDid they test your husband for MTHFR also? We were both tested and I had the heterozygous form but my husband had the homozygous which even further reduced our odds. I didn't have much treatment for it other than the baby aspirin and folgard supplements. Hang in there and let your husband be your rock. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteOne thing my husband always said when I was feeling bad that *I* was the one carrying all the IF issues that was extremely helpful... "It's not you, it's US." We became one the day we were married, so even though, yeah, my body has all the issues, we as a couple are infertile. It helped me realize that he was carrying the pain with me and certainly wasn't holding my diagnoses against me. Hugs!!
ReplyDeletePraying for healing in many ways!
ReplyDeleteYou are a beautiful couple, and you both inspire me so much. I am reading your story, catching up.
ReplyDeleteAwww thanks Leila. It was so good to meet you and Dean, y'all have so much wisdom to share!
Delete