On top of that we recently got another diagnosis for me from my NaPro Dr. I have an MTHFR genetic mutation. What is this you say? I am still figuring this out myself and have been reading up and researching it for the past couple days. The Dr. wants me to start on a couple supplements and make sure I don't have anything with folic acid. The nurse on the phone that told me was so nonchalant about it and I was thinking "I have a genetic mutation woman! This is serious!." If I did by the off chance get pregnant this cycle I would more than likely lose the baby, so this is the first cycle that I am actually hoping we didn't conceive.
Most women don't get tested for this until they've had multiple miscarriages but I had a strong hunch so I asked my NaPro Dr. to check for it. She did suggest doing some in depth genetic testing before so she was open to me testing for this first. For us this is more about making sure I am healthy and infertility is a symptom of something greater going on. No it's not in my head and won't just happen if I "relax". If my genetic mutation could relax that would be great, preferably on a beach in Hawaii with a fruity drink. Since it's genetic that means some of my family members can have it too. This is partly exciting because it is giving us some answers as to why we are still unable to conceive.
We will also be doing an u/s series next cycle to check to see if I'm ovulating, the quality of ovulation and to check if I have LUFS. LUFS is an luteal phase and ovulatory defect. We wanted to do this because with this new revelation we want to know some more info. so we can be prepared to treat my overall health. For women if ovulation is not taking place regularly then this can effect her overall entire health, unless she is pregnant, breastfeeding or in menopause of course. Again, some exciting stuff that will give us more answers.
All of this news lately has really challenged my self esteem. I thought I had self esteem issues when I was a teenager, that was nothing compared to this. The temptation to think I am broken and unworthy of my husband can be so great at times. Thank God for His mercy and steadfast love that tells me otherwise! When the infertility is on your end it can really challenge your self-esteem and feeling of worth. The thoughts of "why can't I just be normal?!" and "my poor husband is suffering because of me" can easily creep into my head and heart. The ability to be loved not for what I can do for him or give him but just because I am me parallels my relationship with God. Believing that God loves me not for what I can do or not do but because He is Love and can only give love blows my mind, especially when I think of my brokenness and what I lack.
This.is.tough. Another challenge to face and another diagnosis to learn about. I just want to respond in grace, suffer well and be present and compassionate to the sufferings of others. I hope this present suffering refines me and helps me to love better. There is no better way to increase your faith than to cling to God in suffering. Sanctification comes through suffering, Christ taught us so by His example.
"Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ on behalf of his body, which is the church..." Colossians 1:24
"I have been crucified with Christ; yet I live, no longer I, but Christ lives in me; insofar as I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who has loved me and given himself up for me." Galatians 2:20
It is days like these where I appreciate how holy my husband is. As the temptation to berate myself grows, his patient and steadfast love calls me out of myself to be present to him and respond to the love he is radiating out to me. He kisses my forehead and tells me I am "the best wife ever" which humbles me and reminds me how much God loves me. On days where I feel like a big fat failure my husband is there with his cheery smile and silly ways to make me laugh. On days where I feel like I am an unworthy disciple and a bad wife, Jesus is there in the Eucharist to draw me to Himself. On days like these I offer prayers for others and their sufferings but most importantly for their sanctification. This is refinement. Passio Christi, conforta me.