I noticed that there is a feeling of jealousy that I have had towards my friends that have children. The baby showers that they have gotten to have or 1st Christmases with their babies, I want that. Sometimes jealousy creeps up when I least expect it and I don't notice it until later when I am reflecting on my time spent with them. The thought process usually goes like this "why was I so annoyed with ______ today? I always have fun with her/them." Then I realize that the green eyed monster has crept in. I don't like being jealous of other people especially because I don't want to ruin my friendships but there is always going to be a hint of it. When you have miscarried and/or have been dealing with infertility you can not help but want what others have, even if you have gotten to a place of peace and are docile to God's will; we are human.
Confession has been very healing in dealing with these inclinations towards jealousy. I have also learned the difference between jealousy and longing for children of my own, 99% of the time it is not jealousy because I don't want my friend's children, I want my children. I have never really brought it up with my fertile friends because I don't think that they would understand nor do I want them to be in a position where they feel guilty when they are around me or worse, they don't want to tell me that they are pregnant. I want them to have children! I wish nobody had to deal with IF or miscarriage.
Green is a color associated with many things including envy but for me it is the color of my awesome table. Green has been my favorite color since I was a kid, it is my go to color. It is also a color that I associate with our little one that we lost to miscarriage, because it would have probably been the color of a lot of our nursery stuff. Green is a color that symbolizes life, growth, and nature.
I had dinner with one of my good friends tonight and I was telling her that I am so ready to live and not just stay in this stagnant place of doing things and not really going anywhere. There are so many questions that we do not have answers to, and it can be so easy to just wait for the answers and do nothing. We are moving forward and deciding to live our life as we wait for the answers. A way we are going to do that is by actually contacting the adoption and foster agencies this week. Ahh! The first call or email is always the hardest so please keep us in your prayers.