Sunday, October 28, 2012

Green w/ Envy

Here are some pictures of our new dining room table! The color is called Lucky Shamrock which is appropriate because we have a strong desire to go to Ireland someday. I still plan on doing a design on the trim but for now I like it plain.

I was thinking about why I was so obsessed with getting a new table and painting it because our old table is really nice. The conclusion I came up with besides the fact that I needed a creative outlet was that this is my version of getting to decorate a nursery. We did not get to meet our little one and I did not get to do the fun shopping trips for baby things. So buying a "new" table from salvation army and painting it allows me to fill that need without spending a lot of money. Plus our old table was rectangular and too big for just the two of us for everyday and I really wanted a round table.  

I noticed that there is a feeling of jealousy that I have had towards my friends that have children. The baby showers that they have gotten to have or 1st Christmases with their babies, I want that. Sometimes jealousy creeps up when I least expect it and I don't notice it until later when I am reflecting on my time spent with them. The thought process usually goes like this "why was I so annoyed with ______ today? I always have fun with her/them." Then I realize that the green eyed monster has crept in. I don't like being jealous of other people especially because I don't want to ruin my friendships but there is always going to be a hint of it. When you have miscarried and/or have been dealing with infertility you can not help but want what others have, even if you have gotten to a place of peace and are docile to God's will; we are human.

Confession has been very healing in dealing with these inclinations towards jealousy. I have also learned the difference between jealousy and longing for children of my own, 99% of the time it is not jealousy because I don't want my friend's children, I want my children. I have never really brought it up with my fertile friends because I don't think that they would understand nor do I want them to be in a position where they feel guilty when they are around me or worse, they don't want to tell me that they are pregnant. I want them to have children! I wish nobody had to deal with IF or miscarriage.

Green is a color associated with many things including envy but for me it is the color of my awesome table. Green has been my favorite color since I was a kid, it is my go to color. It is also a color that I associate with our little one that we lost to miscarriage, because it would have probably been the color of a lot of our nursery stuff. Green is a color that symbolizes life, growth, and nature.

I had dinner with one of my good friends tonight and I was telling her that I am so ready to live and not just stay in this stagnant place of doing things and not really going anywhere. There are so many questions that we do not have answers to, and it can be so easy to just wait for the answers and do nothing. We are moving forward and deciding to live our life as we wait for the answers. A way we are going to do that is by actually contacting the adoption and foster agencies this week. Ahh! The first call or email is always the hardest so please keep us in your prayers.          


  1. Praying for you as you take this first step - St. Joseph, pray for Kat and her DH.

    I also want to tell you that you are not alone in these feelings of jealousy. I also find the same thoughts of "why am I struggling with this person today" and realize it comes back to children.

  2. First of all - that table looks awesome! Especially with those beautiful yellow tulips on it.

    Second - you describe the jealousy situation exactly as I do - I don't want their babies, I want my babies! I've had an interesting time with different friends and their children. Through no fault of theirs, some people I react better to than others. I'm planning to post about some specific recent experiences with that soon.

    Third - count on my prayers as you contact these agencies!

  3. I love how the table turned out! Praying for you as you start to make those contacts!