Since the miscarriage I have not been at peace and have been dealing with a lot of inner turmoil and anxiety. The anxiety got worse when my husband was seriously injured at work back in June and was hospitalized for a few days. I almost had a nervous breakdown when he had to stay at the hospital and I had to go home alone at night. Even my husband has been less at peace because of his injury and recovery on top of us having to deal with my health issues. When he went back to work in August after his recovery we went through some separation anxiety from each other. I was worried about him while he was at work and he was worried about me and my out of control hypoglycemia.
We have had a traumatic year so far and have clinged to each other through it. I know that we have been giving every situation to God including our health and our fertility but I have still felt a lot of anxiety about things. During Mass I have prayed that we continue to carry our crosses and unite ourselves to Jesus in his sufferings, we have also prayed for people in our families and for God to heal the generational sins in our families.
Despite doing all these things, I have still not felt peace. So a couple of weeks ago at a women's group we were discussing what virtue we think we most need right now and I said peace. I find it funny that I would pick peace not realizing that it is not a virtue I can work towards it is a gift from God. Since my nature is to try and do things as perfectly as possible it is odd that I would pick something that I really don't have that much control over. I can only ask God for peace and wait; which reminds me of a Mumford & Sons song called I will Wait.
So this weekend I realized that I was more calm and peaceful about things even though it would have been prime time to not be because of PMS and CD1 coming soon. I got to paint all day on Saturday while my husband was working. There were a couple of places I could have gone like exercising w/ my SIL or to a bridal shower but instead I wanted to be alone to paint. It was not a brooding kind of day where I wanted to sulk or anything, it was a reflective day. As I was painting I was reflecting on our struggles w/ IF, the miscarriage, my relationships with people that have become strained and awkward, my marriage and how it is not what I ever expected, my internship, needing to get more clients, conquering the world with NFP, our foster care/adoption questions, and how I don't have confidence that my body can actually carry a child to term.
Instead of getting anxious about everything which is what I would usually do, there was a calming peace that I felt. It was incredible! I have no idea what the next year of our lives will be like and we don't necessarily have a concrete plan either; foster care/adoption, another surgery, going back on cycle plans w/ Dr. Awesome, and looking into buying a house are all on the discussion table. There is so much prayer and discernment that we are doing but I am not anxious about any of these things, well maybe the possibility of another surgery makes me a bit anxious. Peace in each situation and abandonment to God and His will are difficult in any situation but it is especially hard when dealing w/ IF. Instead of fighting the pain, anger, and frustration we just need to experience it for what it is.
This feeling of peace has not left me yet and I thank God that He is giving me this peace. I will take this wave and ride it for as long as I can! This peace has given me a chance to be more thankful for what I do have. I have an amazing God who loves me unconditionally and a husband who loves God and me. During this time of not having children we have been able to make our marriage a high priority so that when we are blessed with children we will hopefully be better parents. We are able to go to adoration together whenever we want or hang out with our friends on short notice. I can paint all day on a Saturday or schedule my follow-ups with clients without having to worry about someone watching the kids. This probably all sounds like we have a very selfish life but we don't. Our desire for children is still strong but we are not anxious about it as much as we were. I am thankful God has given us peace while we wait, for now.
Here is the bible verse that correlates with this gift of peace