For most of my life I have not been apart of any clicks or stayed in one social group. When I was in elementary and Jr. high I was an awkward deep thinking kid who loved to read and hated playing sports. I have always been a little shy when first meeting people but if you get me talking about things I love I won't shut up which can be annoying. I am a melancholic/choleric and no one likes hanging out with a melancholic/choleric. Everyone always loves the fun and crazy sanguine or the laid back and chill phlegmatic(which my husband happens to be). I have never been part of the in crowd but I have had people who are part of the in crowd take me under their wing because of my shy nature. Once they figure out that I am part choleric and very flawed they would usually distance themselves.
In high school I was in various clubs to figure out what I really liked and not to overstay my welcome. When I was on NET ministries I was an outsider there too because my views were too black and white at times for many of my team mates. Plus I did not like being forced to bond with people that I had only known for a short period of time. Don't get me wrong, I loved each and every one of my team mates even the ones that were way different from me. I learned a lot through each one of them and they each showed me areas that I needed to grow in.
Infertility has made me feel like more of an outsider than I have ever felt in my whole life. For my body not to be able to do the thing it was created for is just so awkward. Most of my cousins have been able to have children and most of them don't want anymore. A lot of my friends who are married and around our age have children, all of my team mates from NET that are married have children. There are constant facebook pregnancy announcements or posts about pregnancy symptoms or cute pictures of friends' children. There are times when I want to put every pregnant woman on an island so I don't have to see them. Hey don't judge me, I would never do it! I do really rejoice in a new life it is just hard sometimes.
Then I went from infertility to a miscarriage, which is not the transition I would have chosen. When people ask if we have any children I am always hesitant to answer, I hate that question. My husband is better at coming up with the answer than I am. There have been baby showers, baptisms and kids birthday parties that we have skipped. I will not go to any women only baby showers because it has been too painful. You might be thinking this is a bit extreme but if you have never gone through infertility or miscarriage you would not understand. Now we are in the category of not TTC for medical reasons and it is tough. Sometimes I want to throw away my chart and not know anything but I know I can not do that. I am one of the few women who NEED to be charting so that I know when to take my progesterone and to make sure my body is getting back to "normal". Thankfully my husband does the charting and sometimes I have to ask him "what CD are we on?"
There has been an amazing sisterhood that I feel when I meet a woman who is going through similar situations. I love it that these women get it and don't offer me advice on how to get pregnant, tell me to relax/go on vacation, tell me how their great aunt's daughter started the process of adoption and then got pregnant, expecting that to happen for us or offer me one of their children jokingly. I know people are trying to help and don't like seeing us suffer but that is where we are at sometimes. Our friends or family can not wipe away our situation. There is an instant connection with an IFer of understanding, compassion and prayer support. You suddenly feel less crazy and more accepted for where you are at. I know that I can not fix an IFers situation either and all I can do is pray for God's will.
I did not think I would be a part of the IF crowd but I have met the most courageous and holy women through this journey. These women are so holy and are filled with such grace, they are my heroes! They are the spiritual mothers that JPII talks about in his letter to women, Mulieris Dignitatem. Their courage and hope gives me courage and hope. I love the Body of Christ and how we are all connected!
On a lighter note I think we chose the paint color for our dining room table. The color is called.... Lucky Shamrock! It was between a color in the blue or green family. We decided the blue did not work because our plates are white and cobalt blue and thought that it would be too matchy. Plus green is my favorite color, pictures to come soon :)