I Must be Pregnant, Right?!

This week has been such a tough week and it is only Wednesday! On Sunday and Monday I had a glimmer of hope that I could be pregnant. Aunt flow was late and she has been right on schedule for the last year or so. The last time she was late was when we got pregnant with Cecilia so naturally my mind wondered to think that I in fact could be pregnant. I took a test on P+13 due to my low progesterone levels just in case and it came out negative. Testing so early was JJ's idea because of my usual low prog. levels, I make him look at the test sometimes. Then on Sunday when it was late afternoon and still no AF, we tested again and it was negative. By Monday night I was pretty much going crazy because still no AF and my boobs were really sore (they haven't been that sore since we had gotten pregnant).

My excitement and hope started to gain as the fact that I could actually be pregnant and my surgery would be cancelled! I thought, oh what a great story that would be to tell our child someday! I tried not to think about it too much on Monday so we went to go see my FIL at the convalescent home where he is recovering, dropped off something for him to my MIL, chatted with my MIL and went to go get yarn to start my first (hopefully I will complete this project) knitting project. After all this, still no AF by Monday evening. So JJ and I decided that I should test again Tuesday morning which would be P+18 (which is when we found out we were pregnant with Cecilia). My cycles had not been this long since my 1st surgery almost 2 years ago. As much as I tried not to think about it, I thought about it and tried to start conversation with JJ about it. JJ was not picking up on my hints and kept saying "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it." I also could not sleep and wait to test on Tues. morning. I kept praying for God's will to be done in my body, if surgery is what is supposed to be done then so be it.

Tuesday morning rolled around and I woke up bright and early to take the test that would determine my surgery fate. I took the test and it was negative again, now I was getting frustrated! If I wasn't going to be pregnant then AF should at least have the decency to be on time! So JJ and I decided that if AF did not show up by the afternoon, we would call the Dr. to see what we should do. We decided to go to adoration and do a holy hour, it was just what we needed. If I was going to go crazy and be confused, I might as well do it in front of God. Afterwards JJ asked me how I was doing and I said I am doing much better, that today my answer is that I am not pregnant and I am still having surgery. I said "we will just take it day by day." He was pleased to see that I was more calm about it, I was probably driving him nuts!

About an hour after we went home to have lunch I had a familiar feeling. The cramping and spotting started which meant AF had finally arrived. JJ asked if I was sad, and I said a little. More than anything I was glad this dramatic saga was over and that I will likely need to increase my progesterone for future cycles. I am not gonna lie, I wish I was pregnant and I would have had to cancel my surgery. I thought about how we would tell our friends and family and how much joy it would bring all of us. Instead we got AF, what. a. let. down.

I know I am not the first person going through subfertility that this has happened to. For some women this two week wait to see if you're pregnant roller coaster happens every cycle! I have been lifting up my anxiety and disappointment up as a prayer for this blogger of the month. Now I am looking forward to my surgery more than before. I just want to take the next step in healing my body from this horrible disease called PCOS.