I have been thinking about how this journey of subfertility has changed my life to something I would not have ever recognized or foreseen for myself when I first got married back in 2007. Our first year of marriage we used NFP to postpone a pregnancy, although my "fertile" phase was during our honeymoon and I secretly wished for a honeymoon baby. There are so many things that have happened to me because of subfertility some good and some not so good. My post will be in a list type form so all you grammar pros excuse the sentence structure.
Because of infertility...I have cried more tears than I ever had in my whole life! I am not usually a crier, especially in public but there have been times that I have not been able to control it. I cry during Mass especially during the Creed since our miscarriage. I don't cry every time but once in awhile it hits me like a ton of bricks!
Because of infertility...I have lost friends. Now you would think that our friends would rally around us and support us during this time which most of them have and I am very grateful for them. There have been some friends that have not been able to deal with me needing them to be there for me once in awhile. I remember talking to one of my "good" friends and letting her know how much I needed her to be there because I was hurting so much from our infertility. I'd love to say she tried to understand and has been there for me every step of the way but she hasn't. After that conversation she freezed me out of her life for over a year despite me trying to get in contact with her. That was so hard to deal with on top of dealing with infertility. It took a lot of prayer and confession to let that go and let that friend go. I do not blame her so much because infertility is a hard thing to go through and be around and it is hard to know how to be there for someone. I also don't spend much time with friends who have kids because our lives are just so different. They are off planning mommy play dates and I would be kind of like a third wheel.
Because of infertility...I know more about the human body than I ever wanted to know, seriously! I used to be such a private person about my body and I still am for the most part. When you have Drs., ultrasound techs and nurses seeing your business your embarrassment kind of starts to fade away especially when you have had surgery and been in the hospital. There really isn't much to hide from your ob/gyn, thank God mine is a woman!
Because of infertility...I have become much more comfortable in my own skin. This is the body God gave me and as flawed as it may be inside and out it is mine. This has also helped me when I go to confession. I used to be more scared of confession because I would be exposing myself and my sinful nature to another person. I guess I was kind of thinking of the priest as a spiritual ob/gyn, who I would be so scared to go to. Now I feel like I make better confessions because of getting over other embarrassments.
Because of infertility...my life has revolved around cycle days not calendar days! I operate in terms of cycle days for medications and figuring out the most fertile time in my cycle. This used to drive me nuts because I would be thinking about what to take on which CD. Now that JJ does the charting, he tells me when I am suppose to take my stuff and let's me know which CD we are on. Praise God for my awesome hubby!
Becasue of infertility...My marriage has gone through so much in a short amount of time. This has brought us a lot closer and given us a strong foundation. I feel like we have each other's back and God has bonded us together through the grace of the Sacrament. We have argued, cried and consoled each other more times than I can count. I am so much more in love with JJ than the day I married him. Infertility has not broken us, it has made us stronger.
Because of infertility...My relationship with God has grown immensley. I have questioned God so many times on this journey asking Him if He is sure I can handle this cross. I have plunged myself into the depths of His grace to endure each CD1 and our miscarriage. I have run to confession when my weak human nature gets the better of me and when I have become bitter and jealous. I have united myself to Christ and His suffereings with each painful CD1, blood draw and surgery. I have learned so much by looking at and reading the lives of the Saints and how they handled suffering. I have allowed God into the deepest parts of my heart that need healing so that I can become who God made me to be.
Because of infertility...I have made some very lasting strong bonds with new friends. There is something to be said about the bond between women who have suffered infertility or a miscarriage, we truly love one another. I have met awesome people in real life and on the blogosphere that help me along my journey. Knowing that I can ask for prayer or pray for someone else in a similar situation has been a huge comfort! My intercessory prayer life has grown a lot too. Now when I say I am praying for you, I really mean it and I don't just brush it off. Knowing that I am not alone in this struggle keeps me sane! This awesome friend introduced me to the blogosphere and I am forever grateful to her for that. You really find out which friends to run to and which friends to keep at a distance when you go through infertility. I hope and pray that I am as good a friend to those who have been there for me.
Because of infertility...I have learned how to go with the flow a little more. I have learned that I don't have much control over whether or not we conceive and if we do when it will happen. This has made me a little more laxed in other areas of my life.
Because of infertility...I am doing something I love! I am helping women and couples to understand their fertility by becoming a Creighton Model FertilityCare Practitioner. Working with couples and women from all walks of life has really been a blessing to me. When I can help a woman understand her fertility and not be afraid of or ashamed of it or get help for her fertility related issues, it is one of the most rewarding parts of my job. When a couple discusses how they can better their relationship it really helps me to better my marriage as well. I never would have known about the Creighton Model had it not been for our infertility and our wonderful practitioner nudging me to go into the internship program.
Because of infertility...I have become a more compssionate, vulnerable and loving human being who recognizes my imperfections just like everybody else. I don't think this one needs much explanation :)
Because of infertility...I am writing what you are now reading. I originally started this blog as a way to keep in touch with friends from afar and share our life. After not writing for 2 yrs. because of our fertility struggles I decided to write about those same struggles.
Because of infertility...I know what it is to wait and try to cultivate patience for those things I desire most.
Because of infertility...I am much stronger than I was before this journey began.