Friday, April 26, 2013

Quick Takes(7) Infertility Awareness Week

7 quick takes sm1 Your 7 Quick Takes Toolkit!

My Quick Takes this week are in the spirit of National Infertility Awareness Week so I will be sharing 7 things infertiles/subfertiles want you to know. This list is not meant to be hurtful towards anyone it is just to offer insight into what infertile/subfertile couples go through. Hopefully this will make us all more compassionate human beings. Remember to head over to Jen's  for more Quick Takes.  Here it goes!
We DON'T need advice! Unless we ask for it of course. So don't tell us about how your great aunt's cousin twice removed went to see this acupuncturist or took this special pill to get pregnant. Their journey is not our journey. Most infertile couples are good researchers on their own and are doing what they are most comfortable with.

DON'T assume we are using or even want to use IVF or other such technologies! I had a cousin offer me her eggs one time, I think she was joking but it was still awkward. If you are reading this cousin, I love you but no thank you! For Catholics IVF and a lot of other Artificial Reproductive Technologies are a BIG no no to our faith no matter how badly we want children and there are other reasons why a lot of us choose other medical treatments such as NaProTechnology. This outlines nicely the differences between the two competing treatments. Along with this don't assume every infertile couple is in treatment or in the adoption process. Some couples have felt it better for their marriage to move on rather than start/continue treatment or pursue adoption. Also if we say we are looking into adoption don't tell us the story of so and so who was in the adoption process and then became pregnant chances are we have heard it. Side note: if you see a  married couple without children DON'T assume they are using contraception and preach to them about NFP this has happened to us and it was very hurtful! Also depending on what time of the month it is you may end up with a black eye ;)

DON'T tell us to relax or that it will happen when we stop trying or it will happen in "God's time"! This can bring more stress to an already stressful situation. It can make a couple feel like they don't have enough trust in God or enough faith to make it happen or they need to go to Hawaii in order to conceive. Also God is outside of space and time, time is man made.

 DON'T assume we have extra money because we don't have children to support. The government takes more of our money because we don't have dependents! Also, infertility treatments or adoption can get expensive. The great thing we have found about NaProTechnology is that our insurance is covering most of the treatments because they are treating my disease, PCOS, but this is not the case for everyone. There is often a lot of time and travel involved to go see our NaPro Dr. as well.

 Please DON'T shove babies at us or only talk to us about your child's next milestone. This can be very hurtful although unintentional. I like to take the "Let the little children come to me" approach with babies because that is what makes me most comfortable. I don't like when people pass their babies around to be held by everyone 1) It makes me uncomfortable and 2) From a child development stand point it is disrespectful to the baby. I do like hearing about children because hey I was a child development student so it is fascinating to me and I get it people are proud of their children but too much talk about your baby can get well how do I put this...boring!

 This one is a biggy: DON'T assume our marriage and sex life is sooooo great because we are trying to get pregnant. I have heard things like "wow at least you get to have time to yourselves, you are so lucky!" or "you can pick up and go anytime you want without worrying about any kids" Well too much time to ourselves can drive us mad and it can get lonely at times. There are a lot of couples who need counseling because of infertility. There is a whole grieving process that a person goes through when facing infertility and some of them have experienced a miscarriage on top of all that. I have also heard '"you get to have sex whenever you want, must be nice!" Well for those of us TTC we have to wait until the fertile time to have sex and some of the drugs that Drs. give like clomid can make a woman feel crazy and not want to have sex. There is also the part about focusing too much on TTC that can put pressure on one or both spouses. The unitive aspect of sex can easily get forgotten  and puts strain on a marriage.

DO offer us some compassion and say "I am praying for you" or "you are in our thoughts." DO lend us a listening ear when we need it. DO love us. DO know that we are not perfect and may get hurt at times. DO know that we are doing everything in our power (that does not drive us insane or push our limits) to have children. DO know that we are hurting but that we are not depressed all the time.  DO know that the pain of infertility/subfertility never really goes away even if we do have children, it gets better but does not go away. DO be there for us when we need you! Most importantly DO pray for us!    


  1. Love this post! I've had #2 happen to me more frequently than I ever expected. When I talk in reference to seeking help through NaPro, I have people assuming I mean IVF (and I'm talking people from church! eek!)It just makes me sad. So I quickly have to explain what NaPro is and probably not do justice in the explanation. And I've totally been paranoid about people thinking we are using contraception since we've been married close to 5 years with no kids. Anyways, thanks for the post!

  2. The one I hate the most is: just relax... If only that would work!

    The best thing is when people pray for you...

  3. These are excellent - amen to all 7! #1 has irked me a lot recently - it also comes across as "everyone gets pregnant eventually so what's the big deal?" Which is a lot easier to say if you already have a child!

    #7 is my favorite - even though there are a lot of "don'ts" the one big "do" is LOVE!

  4. Love this! Thank-you for sharing it - it's nice to know the same things bug others that bug me, sometimes I worry I'm too sensitive.

  5. Some of these sound familiar... ; ) And my husband said, "Hey, she stole your final day post!" Fortunately, though our audiences overlap, they aren't identical; I'd feel bad if people felt bludgeoned about it.

    And it is definitely nice to get the reassurance that the same things bug others. I had a priest, in confession, tell me that we should just adopt, then we would get pregnant. Needless to say, that reconciliation was perhaps not as comforting or fruitful as I had hoped.

  6. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this!!!
    I love all your DO's at the end too!!!