Thursday, October 17, 2013

I don't Wanna be That Woman...

You know the one, the woman who is holding onto something so tightly that she can't hold onto anything else. The one who is not seeing what is right in front of her when everybody else sees it. The woman who tries endless cycles and what seems like endless years to get pregnant with no results. The woman who loses focus and takes her life and marriage for granted because all she is seeing is physical motherhood. The woman who starts to blame her husband and hold resentment toward her broken body. The woman who keeps thinking that the next cycle could be it after 10+years of fertility treatments and medications. The woman who has allowed herself to make children an idol. The woman who is bitter and feels entitled for people to feel sorry for her situation. The woman who can't bring herself to be around pregnant women because she so badly wants to be them. The woman who wants to be someone else. The woman who loses her faith because of infertility. Yeah, you know that woman I don't wanna be her. 

Truth is I have been many of these descriptions at some point in this journey. Infertility can make you the ugliest version of yourself, if you let it. I am not judging anyone who is in any of the above situations because again, I have probably been there and thought those thoughts. I just don't wanna be any of these anymore. I don't want to "try" anymore to get pregnant. Now obviously every time JJ and I, uhumm well you know, during the fertile time we are trying to get pregnant. The reality is that with PCOS it is a slim chance that I will get pregnant on an umedicated cycle so when I mean "trying" I mean using medication to help me ovulate. 

We decided to end our 6month TTC plan early, as early as this next upcoming cycle which should start in another week or so. No medication or mucus enhancers just post peak progesterone to help with PMS and keep my progesterone at good levels. Why are we ending early? Well because we would like to start our life post TTC already. I told JJ that I just want to work on being his wife and that is good enough for me because that is what God is giving me. We always leave a door open for God if He wants us to start medical treatment again and we have been talking about foster care but that would not be anytime soon. I just want to fall more in love with God and my husband that.is.all. 

13 comments:

  1. I think it is a huge sign of health that you have set boundaries. A lot of people have terrible marriages and crazy lives because they do not recognize limits. While I know this is hard, having been there a few months ago we know it gets easier. Not having constant tests getting your hopes up, helps. ...Personally, I feel like I have some of my life back. So much of or time, tears and money went into IF. Our life was centered on IF... there is such a freedom in letting go.

    Life is different now... but we are still hoping for a miracle...

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    1. Yes, always hoping for a miracle but living the life that God has set before us! Praying for y'all as you start your new journey :)

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  2. Beautiful, Kat. I don't want to be "that woman" either, and I definitely fit a lot of the descriptions you listed. Loving God and loving JJ are beautiful things to do!! I just love that last paragraph - you sound so peaceful =)

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    1. Thanks Ecce, I do feel peaceful! It has taken a long time to get here!

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  3. I have the same issues with "trying" too. There is no way I'd get pg without meds...so once I stop...we are in reality done but we'll leave the door open to God to provide a miracle. I also know what you mean about fostering. We've thought and prayed about it alot. There are a lot of unknowns with fostering. It's not something anyone should rush into.

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  4. Not "trying" is freeing - I'm not going to lie. There is a relief there. But there's also a little heartbreak, as you and I know the slim chances we have of getting PG without meds. Thankfully, nothing is impossible with God.
    What a great thing to do - build your marriage and strengthen your love! It is something my DH and I are struggling with - we've gotten in a rut of not strengthening our marriage - so now it takes work and patience and sometimes silence to grow our love.
    I will pray that God will give you abundant love!

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  5. If you turn those into the similar things that happen when a single woman is thisclose to becoming the crazy cat lady, then I've been there, minus the cats. I think you are so wise to recognize where you are and what you need to focus on for the two of you right now. Praying for you!

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  6. i feel like i know the woman you are talking about. i've seen her, with many different faces (but maybe one in particular right now), but just the fact you recognize her means that you won't be her.

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  7. Giving up ttc can be a wonderful blessing. Prayers for you!!! And words of wisdom re foster care...just remember it will be you & JJ who are blessing those kids. Can't wait for that chapter of your life! ;-)

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  8. Beautiful post by a beautiful and wise woman.

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  9. You do sound very peaceful Kat, I love that :)

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  10. I am so happy that you have found peace; it truly sounds like this was the best possible decision you could make at this time. I'll be praying for God to continue to bless you with peace and whatever gifts He chooses.

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  11. You are a strong woman! It takes a lot of prayer and trust to get to this point. I'm so happy you're in a good place. I feel like a sense of peace just washed over me while I read your post. :)

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