I don't Wanna be That Woman...

You know the one, the woman who is holding onto something so tightly that she can't hold onto anything else. The one who is not seeing what is right in front of her when everybody else sees it. The woman who tries endless cycles and what seems like endless years to get pregnant with no results. The woman who loses focus and takes her life and marriage for granted because all she is seeing is physical motherhood. The woman who starts to blame her husband and hold resentment toward her broken body. The woman who keeps thinking that the next cycle could be it after 10+years of fertility treatments and medications. The woman who has allowed herself to make children an idol. The woman who is bitter and feels entitled for people to feel sorry for her situation. The woman who can't bring herself to be around pregnant women because she so badly wants to be them. The woman who wants to be someone else. The woman who loses her faith because of infertility. Yeah, you know that woman I don't wanna be her. 

Truth is I have been many of these descriptions at some point in this journey. Infertility can make you the ugliest version of yourself, if you let it. I am not judging anyone who is in any of the above situations because again, I have probably been there and thought those thoughts. I just don't wanna be any of these anymore. I don't want to "try" anymore to get pregnant. Now obviously every time JJ and I, uhumm well you know, during the fertile time we are trying to get pregnant. The reality is that with PCOS it is a slim chance that I will get pregnant on an umedicated cycle so when I mean "trying" I mean using medication to help me ovulate. 

We decided to end our 6month TTC plan early, as early as this next upcoming cycle which should start in another week or so. No medication or mucus enhancers just post peak progesterone to help with PMS and keep my progesterone at good levels. Why are we ending early? Well because we would like to start our life post TTC already. I told JJ that I just want to work on being his wife and that is good enough for me because that is what God is giving me. We always leave a door open for God if He wants us to start medical treatment again and we have been talking about foster care but that would not be anytime soon. I just want to fall more in love with God and my husband that.is.all.