Wednesday, April 9, 2014

A face break from face.book

So this Lent I have been staying away from face.book. It was difficult in the beginning and I took advantage of the two solemnities we have had plus checking it on Sundays. It had become a main mode of communication for me so I wanted to make sure I was checking it especially because I wanted to promote the retreat there. One month into it so far has been such an eye opening time for me. I haven't been having mystical experiences in my prayer time or anything like that, I haven't really been praying more but I have been reflecting more. 

JJ asked me last week how it has been going so far and we had a very long conversation about face.book. I came away from the conversation wanting to delete our face.book account so that I can concentrate and be a more effective communicator to the people in my life. I am a really bad communicator. I am actually ok with not communicating with people every day, JJ is the exception he is my inner circle. I have always been a quiet person especially when I was a kid and when I am out of my element. I have grown in being able to engage in small talk, which I loathe, but I will do it. I would rather have deep and meaningful conversations with a small amount of people. 

I don't usually pursue people to hang out, I tried to when I came back from being a missionary but a lot of my friends at the time pulled back. Since then I became much more careful in who I put my effort into with friendships, I had become even more cautious when we started having fertility issues. Face.book gave me an easy way to keep in "contact" with people without having to actually engage with them too much. I started to realize a lot of my conversations were happening on that social media site and I was checking it frequently to make sure I responded soon to keep the conversation going or to read other conversations that were going on. For most people this sounds like a great way to interact with lots of people quickly but when I really thought about it I found it kind of creepy. I was able to look at peoples "lives" that I hadn't talked to in real life for years without having to actually engage them. Doesn't that sound a little stalkerish?! 

Upon greater reflection I wondered why I wanted to know about their lives or why they would want to know about my life. For some people it is a genuine want of connection with people who are currently in your life as well as those who you don't see all the time or are far away. That I can totally get on board with! The other part of having "friends" on face.book that you have no intention of actually making the effort to see in real life is where I have the problem. For me I want to be a more effective  communicator with the people in my life. I don't want to spend my energy on looking at people's lives, I want to be in people's lives. I don't want them to just look at my life either I want them to be a part of my life. Last I counted we had 357 "friends" on face.book, I wonder how many of them actually read this blog or know what is currently going on in our lives besides awesome pictures and quotes we put up on our profile.

Now there are about 4 groups that I am an active part of and they are all either secret or private. I love those groups because one is with Catholic IF gals, another is for practitioners, another one is for my sister practitioners in CA and the other one is the book club I am in. I have missed those groups while not being on face.book but I have realized that I can live without that social media outlet.

This break has given me time to reflect on some misteps I have made on face.book in sharing too much, even in these private groups. I had posted something that Padre had said in a spiritual direction appointment in the Catholic IF group. Well that didn't go so well and it ended up in hurt feelings on my end and I ended up hurting a dear friend in the process. I talked it out with my friend and we hashed it out so everything is fine now but I knew I should not have posted what I did and I knew deep down I just wanted people to acknowledge my hurt and pat me on the back for how well I handled the situation. That is just one mistep!

 Which brings me to my next pondering, why do we feel the need to get attention on social media? I think it is part of our natural inclination toward narcissism. It's not that I don't get enough attention from people in real life, I want more from people I hardly ever see if I see them at all! Which brings me back to wanting to have better communication with those people I actually see on a regular basis or who are far but I am invested in our friendship. I want to be a better friend and let people know that I am invested in them and not just on face.book. This means I have to get off of my lazy communicator couch and actually do something like send a text or email or actually call them. 

Now some of you may see blogging as the same thing as face.book, so why do I not have a problem with blogging? Blogging is so different because when you read someone's blog you become invested in who they are. You don't get invited to see their blog, it is more often the case that you are searching for something they have to say. The blogs I read, I pray for these women and their families. I have also come to care about them and have made some wonderful friendships that I would not have otherwise made. When you comment you are engaging in the person's life and people tend to be more honest on their blog about good and bad stuff that is going on with them. Face.book does not have the same vibe as blogging does, it just doesn't. 

So, will we delete our face.book account after Easter? I don't know I am still discerning it.  I asked JJ what he thought and he doesn't know either, he hardly ever goes on the computer let alone face.book. I thought maybe a good compromise would be to have two face.book days a week so that I don't allow myself to spiral back into checking it so much. I have felt like a more productive and present person being off of face.book and I like that feeling. I guess we'll see what happens after Easter...   

14 comments:

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    1. Kat, I know EXACTLY how you feel! I was in this position last Lent, where I too gave up Facebook. And you know what? At the end of Lent, I had come to the exact same conclusion that you have. I deleted my account, so did my husband, and we haven't looked back! I honestly can't tell you how great it feels to be FREE of it. That might sound funny, but Facebook really can take hold of you if you let it...and I certainly did. I no longer feel the pressure of having to "keep up," to read everyone's "happy highlights" when I am feeling low (because people don't tend to share much negative on there, do they?), baby announcements, baby photos, pregnancy updates, etc etc., and the general nature of staying connected to those that, as you mentioned, I don't connect with in real life! Keep at it sister! I totally understand if you decide to keep your account for long-distance communication purposes, but it sounds like you have already discerned that Facebook will no longer have a "controlling stake" in your feelings/mood/daily activity/LIFE. Congrats, and prayers as you continue to discern :)

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    2. It's good to know that if we delete our account that there are positives to it! It is weird how it feels so freeing not to be on it, it makes me think of what it is really doing to me if I feel free when I'm not in it.

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  2. I periodically conduct a purge of my Facebook friends, to sort out who I include and if I really should continue to include them. My family is spread out across the country, so Facebook makes it easy to keep up with my cousins. Otherwise I would hear about them from my grandmother and see them once a year. I'll miss seeing you on FB if you end up ending your account!

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    1. What a great suggestion Stephanie, thank you! That is our first step actually, we purged our face.book friends. We went from about almost 400 to 200 and it felt so good to do it! We too have family in another state as well as people who are like family all over the U.S.

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  3. I can definitely see how you would want to avoid fb. I've thought about deleting my account at times, but it really does help me keep in touch with people that I'm also texting with and talking to as well. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't bother. I hope you find the answer that works best for you!

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    1. Yes that is the dilemma because the people I do interact with I really enjoy interacting with them especially my blogging buddies ;)

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  4. I got off Facebook a few months ago, mainly because I was allowing the "Life is perfect" highlight reels and the constant pregnancy announcements and baby pictures affect me in a really negative way. I've realized though that it's given me the clarity to better focus on my own life and my own journey instead of everyone else's. It's been so enlightening and freeing! Even with all of the positives though it's definitely a sacrifice and I feel much more out of the "loop", which is frustrating when it's such a common mode of communication. I definitely commend you for such a thoughtful and purposeful Lenten resolution! :)

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    1. Thanks so much for affirming what I have been thinking, if I were to get off of it I can continue to focus in my journey and not everyone else's! What great insight!

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  5. Now that you write all about facebook, I want to be your facebook friend! Ha!! Bad timing, I suppose, but if you keep your profile, I'll friend ya. If not, I'll completely understand. I have also given up FB for Lent before, but the things that keep on drawing me back are: 1.) the IF Catholic group and 2.) my youth group's page that I manage. Also, you're right, it's a lazy way to keep in touch with people. Heck, they don't even need to be aware that you're keeping up with them for you to get details. When you put it that way, it's definitely creepy. Hrmmm. Anyway, I will say that after giving it up last Lent, I find I don't spend nearly as much time looking at everyone's updates, so that's a win! Usually I'll only scroll through the top 20 posts, or even 5. When I start getting bored or my emotions get the best of me (due to pregnancy announcements and so on), I close the tab. And it actually feels good to have some control over it. One last thing -- "I think it is part of our natural inclination toward narcissism." I've thought of that a bit too, and I think you're on to something. It's all in a good balance, though. If you're using FB to really connect with people and don't care much about your own profile, then it's probably ok. But if you're obsessed with how you appear to others and only do it for popularity, it's time to let it go.

    Great reflection! Am interested to hear what you ultimately decide to do!

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    1. Ha, I am totally going to friend you! I do love connecting with my bloggy friends on face.book it makes me feel more connected to them because I am not just a general random person looking at their blog I am getting to know them outside their blog. That is what I like about face.book! We decided to keep our profile and monitor my usage more closely now that Lent is over.

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  6. i feel you on so many things here! I had mike change my password to prevent me from using it on my phone, precisely because i was using facebook without intention like you describe. what is the point of staying in touch when you really only stalk people? actually, that's why I really try to comment when I have a thought on people's blogs instead of just reading what they are saying. I do feel like blogging and facebook are very, very similar, but these is at least a possibility for blogging to be about writing and deeper thought than tiny soundbites like facebook tends to promote. though, blogging can also be about that as well. which ultimately makes me think that its not the social media that's evil, its my use of it. but, i'm such a weak person it may just not be better for me to use it.
    I agree about wanting to spend time with those people who are in community around you rather than just with those online far away...but then what do you do when you have a tendency to move really far away from really cool people?! Ahhh...I wish there was an easy answer. Sorry for all the rambling.

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    1. Yes, exactly! It's not the social media's fault it my own usage of it. I think if I start to get out of hand again I am going to have JJ change the password. I do agree that we can misuse blogging in the same way. That is why I am trying to comment more on people's blogs that I read as well as respond to comments on mine. I want to be a better communicant because I know I am not. I easily can lose touch with people even those who I really want to stay friends with, I know this is a weak area for me. There are people who I want to stay friends with who are far away now or who might not stay in my area so for that reason I like social media.

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