Friday, January 17, 2014

2 Years Ago (Part One)

Today is the anniversary of our miscarriage we had two years ago. This will be part one of the account which I will primarily focus on what happened physically. The second part will focus on the emotional and spiritual account. This is more detail about the miscarriage so I understand if some would not want to read this, it's not pretty but I really feel like I need to write this for me.

 Two years ago my life was changed forever by this one event, even more so than the day we got the positive pregnancy test. The dream we had hoped for, longed for and prayed for was no longer there, she was gone. This little person that I was entrusted with was no longer safely nestled inside me. I remember the chaos of that morning like it was yesterday. 

I was told to rest by my Dr. the day before because I had some brown spotting that we were concerned about as we would be past the point of implantation bleeding. She said it might be some leftover implantation bleeding but was concerned because my hcg was not where it should be. I was told to rest until we were suppose to come in for our 6weeks ultrasound in a few days. So we rested and prayed that day after we went to the grocery store. We actually told our parents we were pregnant that day because we were suppose to go out to lunch with them but I was having some morning sickness so we told them over the phone. I remember the joy I heard in their voices, we finally got to give them "the news" after years of trying, surgery, blood draws, charting and medications. We prayed and asked God to spare our baby and that we would get to meet her this side of heaven, we prayed the guardian angel prayer for her and asked God to give us peace. We went to bed that night and JJ kissed my belly and told the baby I love you and good night like he had every night since we found out we were pregnant. Thankfully I was able to get to sleep that night as I needed my rest for what was to come. 

I woke up around 4:15am which is 15min. before JJ's alarm goes off for him to get up for work because I really needed to pee. I checked the bed to make sure I didn't see any blood and felt a sigh of relief and had hope that we would get to meet our baby. So I went to the restroom and the hope faded quickly because as I wiped it felt different so I checked and all I saw was blood. Bright red blood. My heart sank and knew we would not get to hold our little one. I started panicking, what should I do? So I grabbed a pad and put it on as the tears started to flow. I woke up JJ and broke the news to him, he asked me what we should do and he wanted to take me to the hospital. I didn't want to go so we decided to call the Dr., poor Dr. I called her so early, she said just to relax and let it happen naturally. She advised me to take ibuprofen and if the clots got bigger than an egg I would need to come in.

 JJ held me and we wept and wept and wept. Then I panicked that our baby wasn't baptized nor did we give her a name so JJ got some holy water that my mother brought back from the Jordan River for us and he baptized the baby and blessed me. I flipped through my '62 Roman Missal to look for a name for the baby. I had so many names run through my head and then I was reading part of the prayers leading up to the consecration and the name Cecilia popped out at me. So we named the baby Cecilia Esperanza, I wanted to make sure I never forgot to hope because I knew my faith would be tested after this. 

At around 6am JJ asked how I was feeling physically and I said I was ok no major cramping so I didn't want to take the pain meds yet. I tried to go back to sleep through the tears hoping that this was just some bad dream that I could wake up from. Then at around 7:30 or 8am I started to have cramping so JJ gave me the pain meds. I went to the restroom again and saw a lot more blood and the cramping started to become more intense in intervals, I knew this was labor. I started to feel dizzy, light headed and started sweating. I tried to get to the bed quickly so I could rest but as soon as I got there I vomitted and collapsed. JJ caught me and put me on the bed and brought me new blankets and clothes. I knew the pain meds would not help me anymore and that's when the pain got more intense. For fear I would vomit again I decided to just camp out in the bathroom, JJ was there right beside me rubbing my back through the contractions. I counted them out and breathed through them trying not to fight what my body was doing. I breathed in and out then prayed, in and out then prayed as the pain got more intense I thought I was going to pass out. I let the tears flow and didn't fight them so I wasn't hysterical as I knew that would make the pain worse. JJ prayed right beside me and we contiued like this for about 2 hours. I tried to relax and get into a fetal position to rest but that was not comfortable at all. 

When the pain started to subside we decided it was safe to go lie down in the bed. I felt so weak and tired but I couldn't fall back asleep so we just stayed there in silence holding each other knowing we were both exhausted and devastated. For the rest of that day I cried, prayed and slept. JJ made the phone calls to our parents and friends, he was so wonderful through it all but I am not surprised as he is an amazing man. It was so hard to break the news to our parents because just 24hrs before we were rejoicing with them. My mother came over and helped to take care of me and just cried with me.  Our close friends brought us food and we were so grateful for that and it really made us feel loved at such a hard time. 

We didn't know what we were suppose to do as far as the catholic way to handle a miscarriage, we didn't know we could give our tiny baby a burial as most people would not consider her a baby because she was just shy of 6weeks. So we treated it like a heavy period. I still carry so much guilt from not knowing and not giving her a proper burial, I wish someone would've told us. The following days and weeks I bled and felt pretty weak but the physical pain was over and the emotional and spiritual battle was still to come. 

Friday, January 10, 2014

Blogging Limbo and Wedding Dress Fun

Since I am not doing medical treatment anymore to help us conceive or not currently in the process of adoption or fostercare I am finding myself in this limbo state. Am I part of the IF blogging community? Do people still care what I have to say if they are not going on the medical roller coaster ride with me anymore? Will people still read knowing that there probably won't be a pregnancy announcement from this blog or possibly not even an adoption/birth announcement? 

I have also just been at a loss for what to say. There are some topics that I want to write about that I think are relevant to IF but some are not. I have about 8 posts that are drafts right now, some are mostly finished and some only have a paragraph or so, there are some posts that are from back in June of last year. I feel like I just need to hunker down and write them, edit them and post them soon! Some of the titles or subjects are "Conversations with a Gay Catholic", book reviews, "Why I Don't Like Young Adult Ministry", peace, discernment, fear and married life, adoption, foster care, difficult conversations about IF, being a practitioner, support group ministry and motherhood. Not to mention the recipes I want to post! I guess I will get to these eventually but I know I have been feeling a little weird on what my place is here which makes sense as I am discerning what my place is with regards to motherhood and parenting. 

Anywho on a totally different note, JJ has been working nights and which has been tough on our schedule, especially our sleep schedule. I have been staying up much later than usual and watching Say Yes to the Dress on net.flix. I have to say I am pretty obsessed with this show because of all the pretty wedding dresses. It kind of makes me want to have a wedding again just to choose the dress not for all the other details. I do not miss planning my wedding because there was way too many details about things that I didn't really care about. I was getting so enthralled with the show I was thinking I chose the wrong wedding dress but then I did this...

I rememberd that I chose the perfect dress for me, I love my dress! It was fun to try it on again, I am so glad it fit I was afraid it might not. It was actually a little loose from what I remember it being. I had to have my boots on because I had my boots on when I tried on wedding dresses 6.5 years ago so I thought it only proper. The one thing I would do different about my wedding is to wear my boots under my dress, I let people around me *cough* my mother *cough* talk me out of it. I much prefer my boots over the ballerina flats I wore! 

Friday, January 3, 2014

Looking Back and Moving Forward

As I was reminiscing, as we all do, at the close of 2013 I found myself thinking that it wasn't that exciting of a year and nothing really happened. As I thought a little longer I realized how much happened this past year.....

We decided to go ahead and have the ovarian wedge resection surgery back in April. It was a longer recovery than my 1st surgery but it wasn't too bad. That was a pretty big event and step for us in doing all we can to fight PCOS. With that we also found out that one ovary was fine and our pregnancy with Cecilia was most likely ectopic. 

JJ was unemployed for most of the year. It was tough financially and we were so excited when he got more steady work in November. Here is to hoping he has work all year long in 2014! 

I joined a book club and rediscovered my love for reading! I love books so much.

I took my CrMS final in May, exactly one month after my surgery, then found out I passed it in August. It was a huge weight lifted to be done with that final! 

We moved to our new place in July and endured the summer heat without central air. It took us awhile to adjust to this place but I think we are better adjusted now. 

We went to Alabama in August and had the most amazing time. Visiting the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament was a huge highlight of the year. 

I started watching my goddaughter on Monday mornings in late August and have had so much fun with her! 
We started teaching RCIA on Sunday mornings at the end of September. I am so glad we decided to teach because our students have blessed us so much.

We went back to our bible/Church study on tues. nights at the Carmelite convent. It was so nice to be taught by a Carmelite nun and it also helped us in teaching our RCIA students. We went over the Creed from August-Early Nov. and will be going over the Sacraments starting next week. 

We had an almost adoption and no pregnancies. So not much happened in the way of making us parents but we made some progress in the journey.

We decided to stop medical treatment to try and conceive, only what is necessary for health. So no meds., pg tests, blood draws, 2ww, ultrasounds, etc. It was a weaning process to stop but we have had so much peace that followed this decision. We don't regret the medical treatment because a lot of it has helped to diagnose and treat my condition but we are so happy to not be on that roller coaster right now. 

Cheese is back! Mmmm, cheese. I spent most of 2013 dairy free and part of 2012. It really showed me the amazing things that I am capable of and the grace God gave me to stay away from one of my favorite foods. In November I started to incorporate cheese and other dairy back into my diet. I started off with raw cheese and moved up to organic. It has gone pretty good without any bad side effects. I don't have it everyday and I try not to have too much, temperance is a virtue!

Overall it was a pretty full, challenging and blessed year!

Enough reminiscing let's look forward to 2014. 2014?! Can you believe it?! I really thought we would have flying cars and live in a Jetson's like world by now but with all these smart phones (which neither JJ or I have) and new technologies we are not far off. I have been thinking of some goals I would like to work on this year. I don't like calling them resolutions because I think they are set up to fail that way. Whatever you call them here are some of my goals... 

Jar of Blessings
I saw it somewhere last January and thought it would be a good idea to do it but I never got around to actually doing it. Basically you take a glass jar and write down your blessings and moments you are grateful for throughout the year and put them in the jar. Then on new year's eve you read them and share them with one another. I think this is a great idea for someone like me who can tend to focus on the negative. So this will be added to our household this year!

There are already 2 in there :)

I need to dust off my sewing machine and get to sewing! My mom gave me a sewing machine a couple years ago and I have yet to get comfortable with it. I really want to sew and turn some old tshirts into a quilt. I will probably start small with some pillow cases or aprons but I will get there this year! 

Now that we have the back yard and the space, I am hoping to do some gardening this year. Any ideas of how to start I am so open to because I don't know much about this. I do want to plant some vegetables, herbs and some bushes in the back yard this spring. 

Get in the Bedroom
No, it's not what you think! I have been wanting to fix up our bedroom for some time now and make it a comfortable place to be. We have our bed, dresser and a lamp but that's pretty much it. We got 2 night stands for free that I need to paint I just haven't decided on the color. We ordered new curtains on Jan. 1st and will slowly be putting the pieces together to make the bedroom come together. We need to hang our pictures/artwork and look for a headboard and maybe a small chair or bench. The color scheme is reds and navy blues so I am thinking of painting the night stands black and getting a grey upholstered head board or making one. 

Drink More
Now I don't mean get drunk or anything, I don't think I have ever been drunk in my life. I had some really good wine at Christmas and I think having a glass once in awhile is a good thing. Alcohol is something I stay away from most of the time because I don't like it that much and since we were doing medical treatment I just stayed away. It felt really good to have a glass of wine at Christmas and just not think about ruining our chances of conceiving. 

Paleo or Grain Free
I don't want to go full on paleo but I do want to incorporate more paleo meals. I do want to have one day a week where I don't have any grains but concentrate more on seeds, vegetables fruits and legumes or meats. I haven't picked the day yet but I am thinking maybe Wednesdays. Paleo Wednesdays, how does that sound? 

Write it Down
Whether that is to blog more, journal or write down my recipes I need to work on my writing. I want to go to the next level in my writing. I have friends who ask me for recipes that I make and I hardly write any of them down but I want to write them down and put them on my blog so I can reference them. 

There are some items I want to sell because I don't use them and it would be nice to sell them to pay for things we do need. I have been thinking about this for awhile and got inspired when the misfit did her 31 Days of the Magic of Craigs.list. So selling this stuff is on the goal list for this year. 

I have never gone tent camping in the woods, ever. I have stayed in a cabin and been in the mountains and have tent camped on the beach when I was a kid. JJ so badly wants us to go camping and I would like to do that this year. I am not keen on the idea of bears and other animals eating me so to ease me into it we are going to camp out in our back yard some time this spring. We set up our tent on new year's day and spent some time in there playing bananagrams which was fun, until I had to pee! I am such a city girl.

Our backyard is pretty big, this is just a small part behind the garage!

Adoption or Foster Care
Discerning and deciding about adoption or foster care is on the top of my goals list for this year. Really just discerning whether or not I want to be a mother (in the practical everyday sense) is something I would like to figure out. Of course I desire to be a mother but do I desire to pursue the ways in which I could become a mother like adoption or foster care? I don't know yet but I hope to find out this year :) 

So that's my list of goals and things to work on this year! There are a couple of goals that I have that I don't want to make public but they are personal and maybe in time I can share them or not. It seems like quite an extensive list but I remember that they are goals and 2014 is a whole year. What are some of your goals for 2014? Happy New Year!