7th Call... Baby J

We got our 7th call on June 15th at around 4pm. The social worker (SW) informed us of a 4 1/2 month old boy who needed a home. From the information given we thought this was not a possible adoptive situation but a very temporary foster situation so, we were leaning towards no at that point. So, our SW said she would get more info for us and get back to us the next day. I was on pins and needles all night and that morning. When JJ called me and told me what the SW said my response was "It seems that from the information given this situation does fit in our boundaries so all we have to decide is Yes or No." JJ responded with, "I guess it's a Yes. I will call the SW back." After that the SW said the transfer would happen on Monday the 19th!

I was so thrilled that we would finally be welcoming a child into our home! I also prayed so much that weekend for Baby J (Bug)* and his family. We actually had a private healing Mass for generational healing on Saturday the 17th for our families which had been planned for weeks and the priest said we should include Bug and his family too. The whole prayer time and Mass was 3 hours long! It was some intense prayer going on for those 3 hours and it was so beautiful! Later that day we had my goddaughter's 6th birthday party and our friends were all so excited for us. I could not wait to get to Monday!

So on Monday the 19th we ventured out to go pick him up.This first meeting was not as glamorous and idealized as I had in my mind. It happened in a parking lot and a SW just handed him to me and said "Here you go. Sign here." Wow, right? It really hurt my heart for Bug that he was being treated so coldly. So, I just held him with all the love my mama heart had, I whispered in his ear "you're safe" and then I fixed him a bottle for him to have on the ride home. He slept for the whole ride home. Good thing we brought some bottles with water already in it since there was nothing prepared for him! The little that he came with was truly heartbreaking. It was a diaper bag with a few items of clothing, most which did not fit anymore, a few bottles that were obviously for a girl, some diapers and half a can of formula.

Since then JJ and I got to work as parents. Feedings, diaper changes, teething, an ear infection and colic all came with Bug. But, so did cuddles, laughs, baby talk, kisses and the cutest eyebrow raise ever! I quickly remembered what it was like without Bug here and I thanked God that he was with us and safe. I quickly learned that first week that Bug would not be staying in our home and would be transferred out within two weeks. That was a blow to my gut, I did not think it would be so soon. I could not think of the grieving yet because I still had a 5 month old to take care of.

 For every middle of the night feedings or screaming cry Bug made I thanked God for this opportunity to be his mama. Every time I rocked him to sleep I prayed over him. When he was screaming his head off in pain from his ear infection and teething I just held him and prayed. Bug is such an active boy and a good eater! He gained 2.5 lbs and grew 1.5 inches while with us! He loves kicking his legs, rolling over and he gets so frustrated as he tries to crawl. He would love to dance with us to some latin jazz and salsa music and he would calm down with gregorian chant for naps and bedtime. Bug was such a blessing to our home. My hope has been that the time with us has been healing for him.

So from June 19th to July 5th we were Bug's parents/caregivers. After his check up on July 5th in the morning we said goodbye to Bug at the very cold DCFS offices. He was asleep in my arms as I handed him to the SW. He woke up a little when the SW took him and I just gave him his binky so he could go back to sleep. Then I gave him a blessing and said goodbye. After that I walked away crushed and numb. I was not even sure if I was breathing or if this was all just a bad dream. It has been a few days now since we said goodbye. I have had peace even with feeling the loss of him in our lives. The tears come in waves and I am just trying to stay away from major triggers at this point so I can heal. There is so much more to this situation that I just can not share and some that I am not ready to share. Please continue to pray for Baby J, he needs all the prayers he can get.

*I nicknamed Baby J Bug because we got him in June and I thought about calling him June bug but I thought that would be too girly so I went with just Bug. It totally fit too because his favorite place to be is outside.