The feeling I have been experiencing lately is that of being tired and d-o-n-e! I could not quite pinpoint it until I was talking to JJ about it the last few days. We have been looking into many different things and they all seem to NOT be working out.
The first thing is obvious, TTC and asking God to give us a child here on earth. I told JJ that I am so tired of not getting pregnant every month, I have even stopped praying for it specifically. We started to pray a St. Gerard prayer every night, JJ's idea not mine, that is the only time I consciously ask God for it to happen. I am so tired of not being in the mommy club and not rocking a baby to sleep. I am tired of hearing about Catholic mommy groups that I don't get to be a part of. It is hard to see that my marriage is fruitful when we can not see the visible fruit of children, especially when much emphasis around us in the Catholic community is put on having a big family. It sometimes makes me feel like my marriage is less than or not as legit as those with children here on earth.
The second thing is adoption. It is so expensive I do not see it in the near future unless we win the lotto, which we don't play. I am trying to be more budget conscious, cut costs, eat at home instead of out. We do not use coupons because on the diet that I am on they are pretty useless unless they have coupons for fresh veggies that I am not aware of. We are fully aware that next to our rent our grocery bill is the next highest one, which we are unwilling to compromise on. We would love to grow our own food and are looking into renting a house so we have the space to do so. I am also experimenting with making my own laundry detergent and have started to buy things on Amazon which is cheaper!
The third thing finding a decent house to rent. I do not have to remind people of how expensive renting or buying is in SoCal. We are looking for a two bedroom one bath house for rent w/ a front and backyard that will allow dogs. We really want a dog so this is something we do not want to budge on. Most of the places will not allow pets so they go off our list. What we are finding is that the houses are usually a duplex or two on the same lot which we do not want. Who the hell ever thought two houses on a lot would ever be a good idea! We are also finding that the houses have a great yard but a crappy inside or a great inside but a crappy or non existent yard. Since I spend a lot of time in the kitchen we also want to make sure it is not tiny or in bad shape.
We have looked at MANY houses and there was one that was doable for us. We would have to replace the carpet ourselves or put down some other flooring as the landlord does not want to replace it. We have tried to turn in an application for this place and meet the landlord but he is a flake and is never at the house when we are or when we have arranged a prior appt. The only way we have seen the house is because he left the door open for us to go in and look at it. So we really like the house but would have to put our own money into it and we don't like the guy. So we are contemplating letting it go and continuing our search.
The last thing I feel like I am done with is eating super healthy! I want to eat cheese again! Eating gluten free and avoiding soy and processed foods isn't that bad for me but not eating cheese has been the worst. I told JJ that I am giving it a couple more cycles and then I am going to start to eat cheese again. Who knows I may not like it anymore but I at least want to eat my favorite g-free pizza once again.
With all of this it feels like we are trying to move forward with our life and we are unable to. We are taking the steps to do all of these things and none of it is working out. Does God really want us to stay in this place forever? Both literally and figuratively! I sure hope not because I am d-o-n-e! This all may sound like I am a spoiled brat complaining and I am fully aware of that. I am frustrated with all of the above situations and needed to vent. Sorry dear reader that I could not come up with something more insightful to post. Sometimes I need to put down this cross to rest a bit so I can pick it back up and continue the journey. Onward Christian soldier, onward...