Thursday, February 21, 2013

D-O-N-E

The feeling I have been experiencing lately is that of being tired and d-o-n-e! I could not quite pinpoint it until I was talking to JJ about it the last few days. We have been looking into many different things and they all seem to NOT be working out.

The first thing is obvious, TTC and asking God to give us a child here on earth. I told JJ that I am so tired of not getting pregnant every month, I have even stopped praying for it specifically. We started to pray a St. Gerard prayer every night, JJ's idea not mine, that is the only time I consciously ask God for it to happen. I am so tired of not being in the mommy club and not rocking a baby to sleep. I am tired of hearing about Catholic mommy groups that I don't get to be a part of. It is hard to see that my marriage is fruitful when we can not see the visible fruit of children, especially when much emphasis around us in the Catholic community is put on having a big family. It sometimes makes me feel like my marriage is less than or not as legit as those with children here on earth. 

The second thing is adoption. It is so expensive I do not see it in the near future unless we win the lotto, which we don't play. I am trying to be more budget conscious, cut costs, eat at home instead of out. We do not use coupons because on the diet that I am on they are pretty useless unless they have coupons for fresh veggies that I am not aware of. We are fully aware that next to our rent our grocery bill is the next highest one, which we are unwilling to compromise on. We would love to grow our own food and are looking into renting a house so we have the space to do so. I am also experimenting with making my own laundry detergent and have started to buy things on Amazon which is cheaper!

The third thing finding a decent house to rent. I do not have to remind people of how expensive renting or buying is in SoCal. We are looking for a two bedroom one bath house for rent w/ a front and backyard that will allow dogs. We really want a dog so this is something we do not want to budge on. Most of the places will not allow pets so they go off our list. What we are finding is that the houses are usually a duplex or two on the same lot which we do not want. Who the hell ever thought two houses on a lot would ever be a good idea! We are also finding that the houses have a great yard but a crappy inside or a great inside but a crappy or non existent yard. Since I spend a lot of time in the kitchen we also want to make sure it is not tiny or in bad shape.

We have looked at MANY houses and there was one that was doable for us. We would have to replace the carpet ourselves or put down some other flooring as the landlord does not want to replace it. We have tried to turn in an application for this place and meet the landlord but he is a flake and is never at the house when we are or when we have arranged a prior appt. The only way we have seen the house is because he left the door open for us to go in and look at it. So we really like the house but would have to put our own money into it and we don't like the guy. So we are contemplating letting it go and continuing our search.

The last thing I feel like I am done with is eating super healthy! I want to eat cheese again! Eating gluten free and avoiding soy and processed foods isn't that bad for me but not eating cheese has been the worst. I told JJ that I am giving it a couple more cycles and then I am going to start to eat cheese again. Who knows I may not like it anymore but I at least want to eat my favorite g-free pizza once again.

With all of this it feels like we are trying to move forward with our life and we are unable to. We are taking the steps to do all of these things and none of it is working out. Does God really want us to stay in this place forever? Both literally and figuratively! I sure hope not because I am d-o-n-e! This all may sound like I am a spoiled brat complaining and I am fully aware of that. I am frustrated with all of the above situations and needed to vent. Sorry dear reader that I could not come up with something more insightful to post. Sometimes I need to put down this cross to rest a bit so I can pick it back up and continue the journey. Onward Christian soldier, onward...  

       

20 comments:

  1. I think it is very normal to reach this point and don't apologize for not having something more insightful. I thought this was indeed insightful and you certainly did NOT sound like a spoiled brat - far from it. And oh my - girl, I don't think I would last 2 days without cheese, I LOVE cheese...you are an amazing woman to do that! :)

    I hear you about putting down the cross a bit to rest a bit, that is when your friends like us in the Catholic IF community can pick it up and help carry it for you in the form of prayes, encouragement, etc.

    I will be adding some prayers to St. Joseph that he will help you find the right rental house to fit all your needs. And St. Francis of Assisi too - he had a great affinity for animals and even though I am not a dog person - I do enjoy having pets and I can understand why this would be something you wouldn't want to budge on.

    But I get it...there are just times when it is so hard...praying!

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  2. This may not work for everyone, but one of the best ways I move on (after deciding to trust God ) is serving. When I take the time to help others it really puts a sense of purpose and joy in my heart. It is also a great distraction too! I need good distractions otherwise I will sit all day and think about my problem and not trust God.

    Serving comes in so many forms. For me it is teaching. For others it could be brining meals to shut-ins, volunteering just about anywhere with whatever skills you got.

    My DH and I also have a few other outlets that help too. Getting in shape, visiting new places, getting addicted to video games, soccer, puzzels, painting, spending time with friends etc.

    One thing we have tried to do is to not let this "one" desire ruin the rest of our other desires or just life in general.

    I am sorry that you are feeling "done." I am glad you have this blog to share your feelings. You have a beautiful heart! Hang in there. Always leave room for God's miracles. (I just keep praying my miracle wont come in the form of a "Sarah and Abraham" if you know what I mean. In that case we would have to be changing each others diapers :)

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  3. Cheese is hard for me too!!! GF ok.. but give me some cheese!!

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  4. I wish I had something more insightful to say to help, but I don't. I will keep praying for you and for a way for you to become a mom. And find a good house. And eat cheese again :-). Cheese is 'da bomb. Ain't nothing like it. (((Hugs)))

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  5. I miss cheese a lot too. Homemade cheeseless pizza just isn't the same. I've barely started eating sugar-free (okay minimal sugar), and I don't think it's going to last too long. I never really ate that much before but I miss it a lot. No sugar and no babies is a tough combination. No cheese and no babies is also. :( I am praying that you find some peace while waiting for something to work out in the baby and housing arenas.

    I forget if you mentioned it in a previous post, but did you decide fostering-to-adopt is not an option for you? I know it's not for everyone, but from what I understand it's much cheaper.

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  6. I can't tell you how many times I have turned to my husband throughout the adoption process and told him "I'm done! I can't wait anymore!" It's hard when you feel like things are going no where. I am happy to say, though, somehow the feeling goes away and you find the strength to keep on trucking.

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    1. Thanks! I feel like we are trucking at a pretty slow pace right now but atleast we keep going right? :)

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  7. I'm sorry, sweetheart. This just sounds so so frustrating. When things are really hard, every good thing you do is an act of faith. I think God really honors the little things we do when we barely feel we can lift up our heads.

    The Lord won't leave you. Let Him fill your heart. I'll be praying for you.

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  8. I don't think you sound like a spoiled brat; in fact much of your post sounds like what I have been feeling lately. Our whole lives can't be just a holding pattern, waiting for things to change. I am also struggling with the question of sacrifice; with infertility, no one really says "give up x (or submit to uncomfortable, unpleasant procedure y), and you will have a z% chance of getting pregnant (much less carrying to term a child)." It's always, "this should help" and "good luck."

    I don't play the lottery often, but if I ever win, some of it is coming your way for that adoption fund!

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    1. If you do win the lottery I will hold you to it :) That is a big issue with NaPro or any procedure, the unknown if it will work. Atleast I kmow with NaPro vs. ART that it is trying to make me healthier overall.

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  9. So many challenges on you and your DH. I'm really sorry. I am praying for you.

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  10. That is rough to be in that spot of being DONE, and have nowhere to go. Praying that you get to start to move forward somehow, someway.

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  11. I'm so sorry, kat. All of those challenges sound overwhelming on their own and then to have them all together ...!

    I can definitely relate to your thoughts on ttc and not even wanting to think about. I think I'm at that place too - it's just so painful to think about and hard to pray for because so many prayers have gone unanswered already.

    I do want to encourage you that your marriage is still beautiful and so valuable! I struggle too with feeling "less than" or incomplete without children. But as my husband reminded me just yesterday, the bond is the first fruit of marriage. The indissoluble bond between you and JJ. You are a family and your faithful love is a tremendous gift to the church and the world, with or without children. (Although I so hope you are blessed with some!)

    Praying for you!

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  12. Oh, hon, I could have written this a year ago... and again 4 months ago... and yesterday... ;)
    It's important to remember what it truly important in life. I am a stickler with my diet, but as DH goes through health coach training, he is always reminding me that at the heart of nutrition are real and enjoyable foods. Why not get some good quality raw cheese and start adding that to your diet? You should be able to see if it has a reaction after a week or so. And if it does, it's not the end of the world - find something else that you enjoy- make your daily nutrition about filling yourself with satisfying foods, not about avoiding the most delightful foods :)

    Hugs and prayers - as an overcooked one, myself, I know the feeling of DONE!

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    1. Yes, at times I do feel overcooked, haha! After this next cycle I will be attempting the raw cheese, which will probably be around Easter or so ;)

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  13. Oh gosh Kat. I pray everyday that there is something I could physically DO to make things better, but I usually come up at a loss unless that thing is prayer. Please know that there are those of us trying to walk beside you and shoulder what burdens we can. I dont know how to broach this subject, but talking about "rosary group" kills me because I know that would be your jam. It feels like the ultimate division between the haves and the havenots, even though I know it is really basically a support group for women who stay home with families in LA since that is basically counter cultural here. I pray for the day you hold your children in your arms, not so you could join a club or "fit in", but because it would mean your deepest desires and your vocation were finally aligning. Big hug.

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    1. It is so hard not to see the divide between one another when it is so apparent at times. There is a major issue of a sense of community in the Catholic Church that is lacking which you and I have talked about. The lack of communal/support groups in general is frustrating so I do understand why such groups exist. The other plays on my wound of rejection that IF tends to play up more. I often wonder if I had children if I would want to be a part of these groups because they did not want me when I did not have children. I know it sounds harsh to say that and I probably would be part of these groups if we had our child here on earth with us. I think it goes along the lines of none of us wanting to be IF and would trade places with a fertile woman in a heartbeat and yet not wanting to leave each other behind. It is a place of being torn I guess.

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  14. Thanks for the prayers ladies! I appreciate them, more than you know :)

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  15. Thanks. I needed this. Kat, I haven't forgotten you. Praying for courage for your surgery.

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