Sunday, May 19, 2013

"And Never the Twain Shall Meet"


"Oh, East is East and West is West, and never the twain shall meet,
  Till Earth and Sky stand presently at God's great Judgment Seat;
  But there is neither East nor West, Border, nor Breed, nor Birth,
  When two strongmen stand face to face, though they come from the ends of the earth!" *


I was over at a friend's house for dinner recently and our talk of blogs and bloggers came up. We were sharing funny stories that we had read and new blogs that we discovered. A lot of the blogs we both read are Subfertility blogs and she reads more Catholic mommy blogs these days as she has a one year old. The mommy blogs I frequent are usually the ones who have gone through infertility/subfertility and have now had biological or adopted children. I occasionally peruse mommy blogs of those who did not have trouble conceiving but not often because it can be difficult for me to take. My friend said she understood why women dealing w/ subfertility would not want to look at mommy blogs but not why mommy bloggers would not want to look at subfertility blogs. We asked are they scared of us? Why isn't one or a few subfertility blogs often found on the side reel of  mommy bloggers? Is there a click of mommy bloggers and IF bloggers? Are we archenemies that shall only meet and team up on the battlefield of opposing things anti-Catholic? Are we the twains that shall never meet?

These questions started to ruminate in my head for some time and I was reminded of the opening lines to the famous Rudyard Kipling poem The Ballad of East and West. Thinking about this divide between the "haves" and "have nots" I felt myself challenged and convicted as well as wanting to challenge Catholic mommy bloggers. Now, if you look at my blog side reel I don't just read blogs from those who are childless or have struggled with fertility issues. I also read blogs from women who to my knowledge have not struggled with fertility issues, single women, as well as blogs from two religious, a priest and a soon to be priest.

 I know for me personally I can very easily get caught up in an "us" vs. "them" mentality because I tend to lean toward self-pity especially when this cross gets too heavy to bear. It is sometimes difficult to read how chaotic their lives are with their many children and how they are doing God's will by having many children, so there are certain posts that I choose not to read. My desire to isolate myself is overcome by my desire to promote the Catholic faith and promote Catholic families(whether they be big or small). I notice on IF blogs we write about how women who have not gone through IF or miscarriage do not understand us and our struggle and we lament over it. We are saddened at their hurtful(often unitended) comments and their pregnancy complaints.

Well the truth is, NO they will NEVER understand what we are going through! Is that cause to isolate ourselves away from them in the blogosphere or real life? Should we just not interact with each other and just give each other a passing "hey" nod in real life or stalk their blog once in awhile?  I understand that for some women the answers might be yes to these questions and I don't presume to know why. Sometimes my answers can be yes to these questions especially in real life when those Catholic families with children seem to be ignoring us after Mass but overall my answer to this question is NO.

Here is why:

1. I have a huge desire to support Catholic women and femininty however it is lived out.

2. I think we could all use support and true compassion for whatever state in life we are in.

3. Mommy blogs often have great craft and recipe ideas as well as money saving ideas.

4. If I am striving to be a mother to children here on earth then it is nice to learn how other Catholic women are living this out and know beforehand where I could get support.

5. I can't resist pictures of adorable kids doing adorable things!

There are times where I do feel like there is a huge distance between us. It is like they(mommy bloggers or Catholic moms) are on the other side of a cliff and the bridge to get there is hard to see so I am yelling to ask them where the bridge is and no one seems to hear or see me. This "ignoring" of infertiles/subfertiles could be to no fault of their own. Since they have never struggled with this they may be unaware of the pains this cross brings much like how I do not understand fully the pains of child birth.To some women the inablility to get pregnant is as foreign to them as the idea of getting pregnant easily is to me.

So how do we bridge this gap between east and west? Well let's remember the ending lines of the refrain from that famous Kipling poem:

"But there is neither East nor West, Border, nor Breed, nor Birth,


When two strongmen stand face to face, though they come from the ends of the earth!" *


Let these lines be our guide that at the heart of our very different lives that seem to have nothing in common, that we have our humanity and femininity in common. It is also my goal to get on the blog list of Catholic mommy bloggers! This is so that there can be more awareness of Catholics dealing with infertility/subfertility. Plus what else is a blog but shameless self promotion, right?

No matter what side you are on, how are you gonna bridge the gap in the blog world and in real life?


*Poem taken from refrain of Rudyard Kipling's The Ballad of East and West published in 1889.

17 comments:

  1. You are a wise, wise woman, Kat! Thank you for this post!

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  2. It is so true that there sometimes seems to be a huge gap between the haves and the have nots. I think a lot of times the haves want to be supportive, and they care, but they don't really know what to say or how to say it. I know that I have appreciated those that try to say something anyway, especially if it is a simple "I'm praying for you." It helps make me not feel like my life is not as unimportant or boring or pathetic. I also think it's difficult for those of us without family or children that want it to be truly sympathetic to the sleeplessness and noise and chaos, because we want that, and forget how hard that can be as well.

    Just thinking, so probably not very coherent. But I agree that even if we can't completely understand, it doesn't mean we can't walk together and be compassionate and share to whatever extent we are able.

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    1. I agree, I appreciate my friends who are in the "have" category simply say that they are praying for me and I offer to pray for the as well in their struggles. It is a wonderful thing when we can offer prayers for one another :)

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  3. Agree with you and Catholic Mutt. I actually discovered the IF blogs as a single woman. The struggles have a lot of similarities. And I greatly benefited from having read IF blogs when cycle problems and IF became a reality in my world. I still find it a little tough to read Mommy Blog just because it takes a milisecond to do the math and realize, oh wow, had life been different I could have 4+ kids by now. But... we are all women who desire to live out our faith! And I think being more united would be so good for everyone. I also agree that "superfertiles" often really don't know what to say or how to help. They may even be struggling with their own super-fertility and just completely unable to relate to the pain of subfertility because fertility is also a source of strife for them in such a different way.

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    1. Sarah, yes I have know women who are in the super fertile category and they have said to me "I wish I could give you my fertility" and they are not saying it in a hurtful way I can tell that they are struggling with their fertility as well.

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  4. To some degree, I think it's just a part of human nature that people seek out those that are most like them, whether it be in terms of interests or position in life. We have the most to talk about with those who are like us. However, it is those areas of difference that force us to stretch and grow, so I love your idea of trying to increase connections between the "haves" and the "have nots." There is still that need to get over or through feeling like we speak different languages; most haves wouldn't understand much of the IF terminology and there is so much "mom stuff" that infertiles/subfertiles aren't familiar with.

    I think for infertiles/subfertiles there may be less of a feeling that we need to reach out, since just about everyone has family members or friends from other contexts (high school, college, interest based clubs, etc) with kids.

    Just my $0.02. Good luck!

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    1. I agree, Stephanie it is our nature to seek out people of a similar mindset and state in life. I wrote this as more of a challenge to the mommy bloggers to reach out to subfertile blogs.

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  5. I love that you wrote about this! Thoughts like this go through my mind A LOT as I struggle to navigate friendships with women who have children, and so present a difficulty to me as someone who really wants children.

    I love your desire to seek unity! After all, you're right - we're all human! And even deeper, thinking about the Catholic mom blogs in particular, we're all Catholic women trying to live out our lives in fidelity to Jesus. Our unity is such an important witness to the world, so it's said when it is lacking or feels like it is lacking.

    I find one thing that helps me is trying to develop empathy for women who have what I want (children) but of course still have struggles. One example: we're part of a married couples' group, and are the only ones without kids. We've shared our IF struggles, and everyone has been supportive. Another couple w/ 3 kids recently shared about how they thought they were pregnant recently and really didn't want to be, and they talked about what that was like for them spiritually and emotionally.

    Of course I had to say a prayer to be empathetic and not jealous - but because I know she cares for me in our struggles, I sought to be understanding of hers, even though it's so different. I think that builds unity a lot.

    There's a lot more I want to say on this topic, but I'll write my own blog post soon and stop hogging your comment box =)

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    1. "we're all Catholic women trying to live out our lives in fidelity to Jesus" Love what you said here, it is so true! Our connection is Jesus and there is no better connection than that.

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  6. Hi, I´ve been reading your blog for a while now, this is my first time commenting. I don´t exactly know in which category of blogs I fall (in fact in my last post I wrote about that). I am not a super fertile mommy blogger with a lot of kids, I don´t always blog about mommy stuff, in fact, I have only shared a couple of pictures where you can sort of see my kids. I invite you to come to my blog, on the side reel you will find a variety of blogs I read, including more than a couple of infertility blogs, infértiles who have conceived or adopted, some mommies with many kids, single catholic woman blog, newlyweds and secondary infertility blogs. I also read some blogs that I haven´t added to my side reel (yours is one of them). I have commented on a couple of infertility blogs but I do have to admit that sometimes I hesitate to do that because I feel like most people that comment are also going through infertility and they will think I have no place commenting or like I´m intruding because I don´t understand. Even though I haven´t gone through it, I know some close people who have and I see their suffering. Reading IF blogs has made me more sensitive to these issues and I pray really hard for couples unable to conceive. I am sorry this comment is so long, it´s just that I really liked what you wrote and I have also been thinking about this too and I agree that we shouldn´t be divided. So if it´s no problem, I hope to be commenting more on your blog and wishing you the best :)

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    1. I just want to say that I think your comment is wonderful and you can comment on my blog anytime =) I think it would be horrible if someone thought you were "intruding" just because you haven't experienced IF personally...how sad =( It's like saying to someone, "You can't possibly say anything right or be part of my life at all because you haven't gone through [name your suffering]" Talk about breaking down unity!

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    2. Thanks for stopping by SILY(I just realized your blog abbreviation is kinda fun)! I more than welcome your comments and will be sure to check out your blog too :) I think even though you don't understand what I or other IF are going through it does not mean you do not have something to offer us like prayer and support and vice versa.

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    3. Thanks :) Ecce Fiat, I think I already have commented on your blog. Kat, I hadn´t realized about my blog abbreviation SILY. You´re right it´s fun, I wonder if that´s what everyone is going to start calling me.

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  7. You know, I have been very recently planning to put some recipes up on my blog and a tutorial of a sewing project I'm working on. See, IFers can have interesting posts too! Do you think that would make all the fertile ladies flock to read my blog? ;) Ironically the sewing project is for someone with a baby...

    I agree with Stephanie that people tend to seek out those in a similar state to them. Although, like you, I have wondered why fertile ladies don't visit IF blogs. Do you think it's because a lot of what we write is kind of down and depressing? Or maybe it's because they're really busy with parenting and in their limited blog reading time, they'd prefer to read blogs that benefit them in some way (parenting support, tips, etc.)? Or maybe they just don't know we exist in the blogosphere? Maybe we should start polling the mommy bloggers and ask, "Why don't you read IF blogs?" It might give us more accurate insight than our speculation. :)

    Maybe we should start advertising: "Hey mommy blogger, you should read this IF blog. You might learn what to say or not to say to your real-life friend going through IF."

    I do read several mommy blogs. I'm not sure I've ever commented on them, but there are times I think to myself, "I wish they truly knew how fortunate they are." I feel like if they read IF blogs, they might gain a totally new appreciation for their children and their fertility... (obviously they already appreciate their kids, but seeing things from the perspective of someone who can't have kids might open their eyes more)

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    1. I would love to see some recipes and sewing projects on your blog! I have wanted to put more recipes up but I usually don't write them down. I am trying to be more disciplined in that area so I can share them here. I do like the idea do polling mommy bloggers for some info. because I am a curious person and you raise some good questions. Hmmm maybe my next post will be a mommy blog survey ;)

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  8. blah, I am so behind on the blogs but a second day on the computer has allowed me to read this! glad our conversation was so inspiring...i might have to do a version of this post as well :)

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