Thinking way back to high school more than 10yrs. ago I wanted to marry my boyfriend at the time(can you tell I was in need of major emotional chastity?!) but alas that did not happen. Praise God it did NOT happen because that is not what God wanted! God wanted me to marry JJ and he is much better for me, not that the other guy was bad he is actually married and has a beautiful family, it was just not God's will.
Then after HS I was suppose to go to college and get a degree in something relevant to society. Well I ended up at a community college and God called me to do missionary work right smack in the middle of it. It was NOT what I wanted because it was going to put a dent in my college/career plans. Well it turns out that missionary work was exactly what I needed. I did not want to be on the team I was on because I wanted to be on the cloistered prayer team but that didn't exist so I guess my team had to do. The team I did get was exactly who I needed to challenge me, make me grow in charity and they made me laugh harder than I ever had previous to meeting them. They loved me because they were challenged to do so which is not an easy task but they did it to the best of their abilities.
Then after that awesome and at the same time traumatic experience(yes I am melodramatic today) I really wanted to hide in a cloister. As much as I tried to pursue religious life it just wasn't happening, which if you are going to pursue something religious life is not a bad thing. After being "rejected" by God in Him letting me know that it was not the life for me the whole JJ story started to unfold. This again is something I did not want at the time not because of JJ but because I knew it would be a challenge. After JJ and I got married I wanted to be a SAHM but that hasn't happened and I am beginning to think it never will, again this is not necessarily a bad thing. I did not want to become a CrMS practitioner but now that I am doing it I realize that this is what God wants me to be doing.
Not having children, here on earth, may be something that God is calling us to do through no fault or pursuing this on our own. I always try and cling to hope that it will happen especially in times like these where we are in the 2week wait to see if God granted us the gift of a child this cycle. Oh the 2ww is a cruel time where strength of character is tested and I always feel like I am literally in a battle for those 2weeks. "Am I pregnant? I just felt a little nausea. I think I am more tired than usual. My boobs hurt more than usual. I was crabby and emotional today. I must be pregnant right?! Oh yeah this could also be PMfreakingS!"This is what goes on in my head on almost a daily basis during this time of waiting. It never gets easier but I feel a little stronger after I come out of the 2ww battle. Focusing on God and giving this to him daily in prayer and at Mass has been a huge help but it is still a struggle!
So here I am on my 29th bday in the midst of the 2ww going to go to the vampires to get my P+7 blood draw today to check and make sure my hormones aren't whacked out this cycle. I think it is ironic that I have to get my blood draw today when I was looking at my chart and the calendar I was like "oh goody this is infertility's bday gift to me!"( insert lots of sarcasm). It is an opportunity to unite myself to Jesus and continue to seek His will. So you see a lot of what I have "accomplished" in my life has not been part of my plans but they have been God's plan. It has been more of an amazing, crazy, beautiful life than I have ever imagined! Thank you God for my life, I would not trade it with anyone else because I know it is exactly what I need. Oh beautiful flower of Carmel, Mary my Mother, I love you! Deo Gratias!