Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Birthday Reflections and the 2WW...

So today is my 29th birthday, yay Happy Birthday to me! I have to admit I feel a lot older than 29 like I have lived through a lot more than most of my peers have. I wonder if I am having one of those mid life crisis moments where I realize that I have not reached my goals of what I had planned for my life. We all know where this is going, right? Back to IF, it all comes back to being IF. Since I got married in my early 20s I thought we would have at least 2 kiddos by now but alas that is not my life. So this wonderful day of my birthday and Our Lady of Mount Carmel Feast Day had me reflecting on some important things, what goals for my life have I accomplished? Surprisingly I have not accomplished many of my goals or see them come to fruition. This is not a bad thing actually because what I have done has been what God has wanted. 

Thinking way back to high school more than 10yrs. ago I wanted to marry my boyfriend at the time(can you tell I was in need of major emotional chastity?!) but alas that did not happen. Praise God it did NOT happen because that is not what God wanted! God wanted me to marry JJ and he is much better for me, not that the other guy was bad he is actually married and has a beautiful family, it was just not God's will. 

Then after HS I was suppose to go to college and get a degree in something relevant to society. Well I ended up at a community college and God called me to do missionary work right smack in the middle of it. It was NOT what I wanted because it was going to put a dent in my college/career plans. Well it turns out that missionary work was exactly what I needed. I did not want to be on the team I was on because I wanted to be on the cloistered prayer team but that didn't exist so I guess my team had to do. The team I did get was exactly who I needed to challenge me, make me grow in charity and they made me laugh harder than I ever had previous to meeting them. They loved me because they were challenged to do so which is not an easy task but they did it to the best of their abilities. 

Then after that awesome and at the same time traumatic experience(yes I am melodramatic today) I really wanted to hide in a cloister. As much as I tried to pursue religious life it just wasn't happening, which if you are going to pursue something religious life is not a bad thing. After being "rejected" by God in Him letting me know that it was not the life for me the whole JJ story started to unfold. This again is something I did not want at the time not because of JJ but because I knew it would be a challenge. After JJ and I got married I wanted to be a SAHM but that hasn't happened and I am beginning to think it never will, again this is not necessarily a bad thing. I did not want to become a CrMS practitioner but now that I am doing it I realize that this is what God wants me to be doing.

Not having children, here on earth, may be something that God is calling us to do through no fault or pursuing this on our own. I always try and cling to hope that it will happen especially in times like these where we are in the 2week wait to see if God granted us the gift of a child this cycle. Oh the 2ww is a cruel time where strength of character is tested and I always feel like I am literally in a battle for those 2weeks. "Am I pregnant? I just felt a little nausea. I think I am more tired than usual. My boobs hurt more than usual. I was crabby and emotional today. I must be pregnant right?! Oh yeah this could also be PMfreakingS!"This is what goes on in my head on almost a daily basis during this time of waiting. It never gets easier but I feel a little stronger after I come out of the 2ww battle. Focusing on God and giving this to him daily in prayer and at Mass has been a huge help but it is still a struggle! 

So here I am on my 29th bday in the midst of the 2ww going to go to the vampires to get my P+7 blood draw today to check and make sure my hormones aren't whacked out this cycle. I think it is ironic that I have to get my blood draw today when I was looking at my chart and the calendar I was like "oh goody this is infertility's bday gift to me!"( insert lots of sarcasm). It is an opportunity to unite myself to Jesus and continue to seek His will. So you see a lot of what I have "accomplished" in my life has not been part of my plans but they have been God's plan. It has been more of an amazing, crazy, beautiful life than I have ever imagined! Thank you God for my life, I would not trade it with anyone else because I know it is exactly what I need. Oh beautiful flower of Carmel, Mary my Mother, I love you! Deo Gratias! 

13 comments:

  1. Happy birthday!!! I will say special prayers for you today at mass, that the year ahead is richly blessed for you and JJ! (Of course I hope that means that you are blessed with a child, but even more than that - that you are blessed with peace and joy and everything your heart needs!)

    I have the SAME inner dialogue during the 2WW. It's so annoying. I literally say "be quiet" to my brain and try to throw myself into work, hobbies, etc., to not listen to the little nagging voice. What will be, will be, and I'd prefer to have as little emotional trauma as possible this month, thank you very much!

    I thank God for you today on your birthday!

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  2. Happy Birthday! Hon, you don't look 29 from that side bar pic. You look younger. I always looked younger too until lately...now people are getting my age right. Bummer. Anyways...enjoy your day and every bday I reflect on where my life would be if life went according to MY plan too. Geez, we'd have a ten year old! I know now..it's HIS plan...not mine. I'm good with it.

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  3. Happy Birthday. May you be at peace in the knowledge of God's will and find consolation in His sacred heart.

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  4. Happy birthday! And LOL at vampires. That's a new one to me.

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  5. Happy belated birthday! You describe the 2ww so well...I had to giggle because to read it (especially pre-peak) seems so crazy, and yet, it is so so true.

    Continued prayers for you!

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  6. Happy Birthday! Also, I am praying for you in the 2ww!

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  7. "PMfreakingS"--lol

    Happy belated birthday! I had a bit of a panic attack on my 21st birthday (I was a senior in college with NO idea what I wanted to do after college, and 7 months into a relationship that had just become long distance). I call it (in my head) my quarter-life crisis. Funny how birthdays do that...

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