Tuesday, May 28, 2013

What Would You Give Up?

I was at daily Mass and the Gospel really spoke to me:

"Peter began to say to him, 'We have given up everything and followed you.' Jesus said, 'Amen, I say to you, there is no one who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands for my sake and for the sake of the gospel who will not receive a hundred times more now in the present age: houses and brothers and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and eternal life in the age to come. But many that are first, will be last, and the last will be first.'"

Often when I think of children I think of what we would give up just to have them. Thus far I have been willing to give up my body to pregnancy or medical treatments in hopes of conceiving. I have given up eating what I want to eat so that I can be healthier if pregnancy were to happen. I have given up coffee and my favorite tea(caffeine) and my beloved cheese (I speak often of my love for cheese and it may seem weird to some of you but cheese and I have had a long relationship. It was hard for me to say goodbye last August). I have given up my time to treatments and charting NFP. I have given up my loathing for exercise so that I can have a healthier stronger body. I have given money to the costs of Drs., a naturopath, supplements and medications. How much more am I willing to give up to make our dreams come true? Am I willing to give up more money, foods or do more treatments? Am I willing to risk strain on our marriage to make it happen? Is having children really our dream?

Lately I have been thinking and speaking with JJ about just how much longer do we want to do all of this. How much longer do we want to work with our NaPro Dr. and actively TTC. I am tired of charting although it does have its benefits outside of TTC. We have been trying to have children for almost 4.5yrs and I am tired. There are times where I am ready to move on and pursue adoption full force but then I think what if we can have biological children and to just give it more time. Then the cost of adoption is so discouraging, we got an email from the agency we really like saying their costs were going up so we will probably not be going with them when we are ready to pursue adoption.

 As I approach my 29th birthday in less than 2 months I wonder what else God has for me if not children. I know you might be thinking "you are so young, you have plenty of time" well that does not make me feel any better. It hurts that I am young and I am not able to have children. If I got married in my late 30s I might have expected some difficulty with being able to get pregnant but not when I started to try and get pregnant when I was 24!

Anyway back to the gospel! As I was in Mass I was thinking all these thoughts, I know distracted much. Then I thought what am I willing to give up to give Christ my all. I keep thinking of the desire to have children but what about the desire to make my life a beautiful song to God. What am I willing to give up to make that happen? Am I willing to give up food, my body or money to make God known through my life? I have wanted to be a mother for a very long time, am I willing to give that up? Am I willing to give up my desire to hold our baby and rock them to sleep? Am I willing to put everything on the line for Christ?

When I was a missionary with NET ministries it was easy to do this because that is what I signed up for I knew what I was getting into, although it was much crazier than I had expected. When I got married I was expecting children to be a part of this equation. What if that is not God's plan for us? What if what I expected and desire are not to come to pass? What then? Am I willing to give this very HUGE desire of my heart to God and trust His plan and timing is better than mine? What will that look like? What do I do with my life if I am not to be a mother? Do I go back to school and become a NaPro Dr.?

I don't have very many answers to these questions. All I know is I need to cling to Christ,  pray and discern. Plus I am going to try and track down a spiritual director! I have tried to get a spiritual director a couple of times before and have felt discouraged as they have pretty much turned me down because they are so busy. I would like to go to a priest as I would like to incorporate confession with the sessions.

I know that I am willing to give up my desire for children for Christ. What does this look like practically? How do I get there? I have no clue. JJ and I have talked about a practical time frame of how long we would continue with NaPro but that is not set in stone, we are still praying and discerning. I'd like to point out that stopping NaPro or TTC does not mean the giving up of hope that God will one day make us parents, that hope will always remain.

So what are you willing to give up for Christ and the gospel?              

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Quick Takes (10)

7 quick takes sm1 Your 7 Quick Takes Toolkit!

I realize that I am super late with these but, oh well! I also realized that my ones for last week were entitled "10" but they were really only 9. So here is the real Quick Takes 10! Remember to head to Jen's for more!


I figured out the whole cutting my hair business, well God did actually. My friend who proctored my exam last week used to be a hair dresser. She said she would cut my hair for free since I was so generous with the proctor fee I paid her. So hopefully some time this week, she will have time to do it, woohoo!
Speaking of my exam, I think it went well. I don't get the results until early July though, bah! I am not a very patient person and I really want to know how I did. I feel pretty confident about passing all four parts but who knows. June is going to be such a busy month with weddings, ordinations,  birthdays and graduations that I won't really have time to think about it too much.  

Saturday I went to a spiritual bridal shower for a dear friend. I think the tradition of the spiritual shower started in our churchie group when my friend T and I were getting married 5 weeks apart. It is where we get together and talk about marriage, the good and the bad, then we offer some nugget of wisdom that we have learned. They also share recipes and bring books that have helped their marriage. Only married women, widows or those who have been married attend. It sounds exclusive but it really is kind of cool to get all the women together like that. It is a little uncomfortable because I think every marriage is different and people will figure it out on their own. I was dreading comments about our childlessness or remarks from the other women saying "That's easy for you to say, you don't have children." This all was totally in my head as I was imagining the worst case scenario so I could be prepared for it. I am happy to report it was NOT like that at all! It was a wonderful event and the ladies that went are lovely and would probably never make such remarks. I am so glad I went and I am so happy for my friend L who is getting married! L was in my wedding and now I get to see her get married to a wonderful godly man. L has been such a great spiritual big sister for me since I was a teenager and she has been there for me through so much, it is such a blessing to see her so joyful and in love. She has waited a long time for her spouse but she always held to the promise that God would bring him in due time. Her story makes me hopeful about our IF and that God will bring us children in due time.    


So last week I talked about the great divide between the "haves" and "have nots." Well yesterday at the bridal shower I was speaking with a dear friend who is also going through subfertility and she has had miscarriages and she was wanting to start up a married couples fellowship again. About four years ago a bunch of us married couples tried to get together to have fellowship, prayer and a teaching/reflection. We only had two meetings and then it kind of fizzled out w/ every one's busy schedule. So a few of us were talking about doing it again. This would be a mix of couples who have and do not have children. The other IF friend and I were talking about how important it is to stay connected, even to our friends w/ children. We set a date for July and will come up with topics to reflect on for our marriages. We will see where this goes, only God knows!


JJ and I will be going to Alabama in August! We are going to EWTN and the Shrine on a pilgrimage, we are so excited. This will be our annual family vacation and we have to make some sacrifices to go but we can do it. So if you are in the Alabama area it would be great to meet up!


I got two pieces of not good information this week. One was that some friends of ours are most likely moving by the end of the summer. They are moving for work and it is a wonderful opportunity but we are sad they will be leaving. They will most likely be back in 1-2yrs. which is better than them leaving for good.


The other bad news is that a family member has been diagnosed with cancer. We are shocked as this family member is not elderly and seemed to be in good health but cancer does not discriminate. I am praying for a miracle and a healing for this family member. Please pray for them and my family that this situation would lead us ALL closer to God! St. Peregrine, pray for us!

Happy Memorial Day! Please remember those who have died serving our country in the armed forces as well as their family members who miss them very much!


Sunday, May 19, 2013

"And Never the Twain Shall Meet"

"Oh, East is East and West is West, and never the twain shall meet,
  Till Earth and Sky stand presently at God's great Judgment Seat;
  But there is neither East nor West, Border, nor Breed, nor Birth,
  When two strongmen stand face to face, though they come from the ends of the earth!" *

I was over at a friend's house for dinner recently and our talk of blogs and bloggers came up. We were sharing funny stories that we had read and new blogs that we discovered. A lot of the blogs we both read are Subfertility blogs and she reads more Catholic mommy blogs these days as she has a one year old. The mommy blogs I frequent are usually the ones who have gone through infertility/subfertility and have now had biological or adopted children. I occasionally peruse mommy blogs of those who did not have trouble conceiving but not often because it can be difficult for me to take. My friend said she understood why women dealing w/ subfertility would not want to look at mommy blogs but not why mommy bloggers would not want to look at subfertility blogs. We asked are they scared of us? Why isn't one or a few subfertility blogs often found on the side reel of  mommy bloggers? Is there a click of mommy bloggers and IF bloggers? Are we archenemies that shall only meet and team up on the battlefield of opposing things anti-Catholic? Are we the twains that shall never meet?

These questions started to ruminate in my head for some time and I was reminded of the opening lines to the famous Rudyard Kipling poem The Ballad of East and West. Thinking about this divide between the "haves" and "have nots" I felt myself challenged and convicted as well as wanting to challenge Catholic mommy bloggers. Now, if you look at my blog side reel I don't just read blogs from those who are childless or have struggled with fertility issues. I also read blogs from women who to my knowledge have not struggled with fertility issues, single women, as well as blogs from two religious, a priest and a soon to be priest.

 I know for me personally I can very easily get caught up in an "us" vs. "them" mentality because I tend to lean toward self-pity especially when this cross gets too heavy to bear. It is sometimes difficult to read how chaotic their lives are with their many children and how they are doing God's will by having many children, so there are certain posts that I choose not to read. My desire to isolate myself is overcome by my desire to promote the Catholic faith and promote Catholic families(whether they be big or small). I notice on IF blogs we write about how women who have not gone through IF or miscarriage do not understand us and our struggle and we lament over it. We are saddened at their hurtful(often unitended) comments and their pregnancy complaints.

Well the truth is, NO they will NEVER understand what we are going through! Is that cause to isolate ourselves away from them in the blogosphere or real life? Should we just not interact with each other and just give each other a passing "hey" nod in real life or stalk their blog once in awhile?  I understand that for some women the answers might be yes to these questions and I don't presume to know why. Sometimes my answers can be yes to these questions especially in real life when those Catholic families with children seem to be ignoring us after Mass but overall my answer to this question is NO.

Here is why:

1. I have a huge desire to support Catholic women and femininty however it is lived out.

2. I think we could all use support and true compassion for whatever state in life we are in.

3. Mommy blogs often have great craft and recipe ideas as well as money saving ideas.

4. If I am striving to be a mother to children here on earth then it is nice to learn how other Catholic women are living this out and know beforehand where I could get support.

5. I can't resist pictures of adorable kids doing adorable things!

There are times where I do feel like there is a huge distance between us. It is like they(mommy bloggers or Catholic moms) are on the other side of a cliff and the bridge to get there is hard to see so I am yelling to ask them where the bridge is and no one seems to hear or see me. This "ignoring" of infertiles/subfertiles could be to no fault of their own. Since they have never struggled with this they may be unaware of the pains this cross brings much like how I do not understand fully the pains of child birth.To some women the inablility to get pregnant is as foreign to them as the idea of getting pregnant easily is to me.

So how do we bridge this gap between east and west? Well let's remember the ending lines of the refrain from that famous Kipling poem:

"But there is neither East nor West, Border, nor Breed, nor Birth,

When two strongmen stand face to face, though they come from the ends of the earth!" *

Let these lines be our guide that at the heart of our very different lives that seem to have nothing in common, that we have our humanity and femininity in common. It is also my goal to get on the blog list of Catholic mommy bloggers! This is so that there can be more awareness of Catholics dealing with infertility/subfertility. Plus what else is a blog but shameless self promotion, right?

No matter what side you are on, how are you gonna bridge the gap in the blog world and in real life?

*Poem taken from refrain of Rudyard Kipling's The Ballad of East and West published in 1889.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Quick Takes(9)

7 quick takes sm1 Your 7 Quick Takes Toolkit!

It is back to regular Quick Takes this week! Remember to head to Jen's for more!

Recovery from surgery is getting better each day. I go back to the Dr. on the 30th to make sure I am healing properly and probably to come up with a plan going forward. I haven't done much except study and change my blog around to brighten it up. What do you think of the new look? I was looking for a picture to put up of me on the side bar but most of them are with JJ and I don't know that he would be comfortable with that. So I looked for a solo picture of me and did not like any of them. So I guess I will have to have a photo shoot(randomly taking pictures with the iPad) soon w/ my photographer(JJ).  
JJ has not been working since the end of February so if y'all could pray he goes back to work soon, like by June that would be great!
I have been going back and forth with the idea of cutting my hair. I would not cut it drastically as JJ likes my hair long, of course he says I can do what I want with it and he will love me no matter what my hair looks like. It is about mid way down my back and is becoming quite a nuisance to deal with. I either end up putting it in a side braid or curling it. I need a new/better curling iron so I seldom end up curling it. If it were a few inches shorter it would feel more comfortable down plus the summer is coming. If I cut it do I go to my usual hair dresser or let JJ trim it? He has trimmed my hair a couple times before and it has worked out ok, but he does not know how to do layers which is what I like. In my mind I can not justify the added expense of going to my hair dresser with JJ not working right now....hmmm what to do what to do?

I joined a book club a few months back and have liked the vibe so far, it takes me awhile to decide if I want to stick with a group because I am usually slow to warm up to new people. A few of the people already in the group are acquaintances from Young Adult groups in the archdiocese. It seems like most of the people in the group know each other really well which kind of makes me feel like the odd lady out plus I think I am the only married woman there who does not have any children(here on earth that is). They are all very nice women so I am sure I will get in a groove with them soon. I really like the structure of the book club because you earn more points(or stickers in this case) the more books you read. We get a book mark and we can level up to a different color book mark, the more we read or lead the discussion one month. JJ laughs at me when I speak of trying to "level up" like it is a video game or something. I like reading and I like competing against myself so win, win!

Mother's day was a surprisingly OK day for me this year. I thought a lot about Cecilia and smiled at her existence. JJ got me a few things to remember her by and he held me closer to him that day. Our plans were going to be to go to Mass, do our traditional drive by In-N-Out to get a burger, come home to relax and call our mothers. Well my mother actually invited us to dinner along with JJ's parents. So we went to dinner at our favorite Mexican place with our parents and it was great because most of the Mother's Day crowd was gone by dinner time. My mom got me a gift which was really nice, I felt like she understood that Mother's day could be a difficult day for me and it felt like she recognized my motherhood, which is a change from last year. So all in all it was a blessed day! I did pray for all those who were having a difficult day that day during Mass and throughout the day.

I started working with clients again this week. I was off from all things client for a couple weeks after the surgery so I needed to get back into the groove of things. It was nice to be off for a few weeks it was like a Dr. ordered Creighton vacation! I did an Intro. Session for a new client yesterday and it felt good to be back doing what I love.

Speaking of Creighton I am suppose to have my final exam Saturday, tomorrow at 9am. Please send up a few prayers on my behalf! I have been calm and then freaking out at times this week so it will be nice to just get it over with. I have been studying the last two weeks, but more seriously this week. Aunt flow should also be coming any day and she may be more painful since I am still recovering from the surgery.  I am hoping she does not come tomorrow, ugh that would be horrible! I hope she either comes today or waits for Monday. Worst case scenario is she comes on Sat. morning and is unbearable to the point that I can't take my exam, then I have to wait to take it in August. That would be kind of ironic to tell my supervisor the reason I am delaying my exam is because of Aunt Flow. Haha, on that note have a great weekend everyone!   

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Missing Cecilia Esperanza

I have been thinking a lot lately about our miscarriage we had last year especially in light of the news that it was probably an ectopic pregnancy. I have been thinking of how I wish things were different and that we would have had a healthy normal pregnancy and welcomed our little one into our home last September. We did not know the sex of the baby but I had a very strong hunch the baby was a girl. How beautiful that baby would be with blue or hazel eyes. Thinking of how sweet it would be for JJ to rock her to sleep or to freestyle rap for her. Thinking of the sleepless nights we would have gladly welcomed instead of having sleepless nights over our miscarriage.

The day we miscarried I stayed in bed and wept over the physical and emotional pain I was in. I did not think I could cry so hard but I did. My soul wept and groaned within me as I felt so tormented and mocked by the enemy. The enemy tempted me with thoughts of "look at where your faith in God has gotten you" or "are you so sure your Church teaching is right" or "God did not save your baby because you don't deserve to be a parent" As these thoughts started to swirl in my head it took all the grace that I had to just say "my heart is steadfast oh God, my heart is steadfast. Jesus I trust in you!" Our subfertility and miscarriage have been the biggest test to my faith and yet my heart still longs for God. I can't describe the bond I have with God because it is so strong and powerful. I really do feel that He will never let me go, He is my solace!

I have been missing our Cecilia though I never got to meet her. I never got to smell her baby smell or see her laugh but I still miss her. She was a physical part of me for a short period of time, she carried mine and JJ's genes with her own unique DNA. A few months ago JJ told me about a dream that he had . He dreamt that I gave birth to Cecilia and we got to hold her. He said she smiled, moved her little hand as if waving to us and then was taken up to heaven. I found so much comfort in his dream! Since the miscarriage I have been praying that I would dream of her and God answered my prayers through my husband's dream.

Miscarriage.is.so.hard. There is no logical argument that could make the loss of a child any better. The days after a miscarriage are so dark and confusing. I think about women I know who have had multiple miscarriages and still get up and walk with God, they are my heroes. You never really get over a miscarriage it just becomes part of you and your story. It has gotten better with time but it has not gone away. I hope I never forget about Cecilia, our first child. If we are blessed with other children I hope I will remember to tell them about her especially since she may be the only positive pregnancy test I ever see.

It boggles my mind that some would not consider our Cecilia a child because she was not born or she was just shy of 6wks gestational age. It hurts my heart as her mother to know that on this Mother's day people would not recognize that she was a person with life, DNA and a soul. Today JJ recognized my motherhood and wished me a Happy Mother's Day, he got me two bracelets one w/ angel wings to remember our little angel in heaven and the other with a silver feather on it to remember that no matter how small she was, Cecilia is a member of  "The Crow's Nest." Happy Mother's day to all mothers: biological, godmothers, adoptive, foster and those hoping to be mothers some day may God bless you all abundantly with the desires of your heart!  

Friday, May 10, 2013

Quick Takes (8) Music that Keeps Me Sane Edition

This will be an all music edition for this week. I will explain some of my choices but for the most part, the music speaks for itself. Remember to head to Jen's  for more Quick Takes! Enjoy :)

1. Anything Tyrone Wells, he  is a greatly talented singer/songwriter. JJ and I got to go see him play at a bar/music venue in West Hollywood a couple years ago and it was awesome! One of my favorite songs of his right now is This Love off of his This Love album.

2. The Lumineers, Ho Hey. Now I know what you are thinking, everyone loves this song! Well I would just like to say I did not even know they were playing this song on popular radio until a couple months ago. I have liked the Lumineers since I stumbled upon them 2 years ago and I waited for months just to buy this song on itunes and waited more months to buy the album. I would even go to their website just to play this song over and over again, ask JJ. Ok, so I am a fan.

3. Yes, I know another song that everyone likes but it is a great song. Mumford and Sons I Will Wait

4. Corinne Bailey Rae, Put Your Records On  

5. 311,  Amber

6. Phillip Phillips, Home

7.  Another Tyrone Wells song Sink or Swim

There were many other songs that I wanted to put but I had to cut the list down. There were some songs from the 1990s that are classic and even a song from the 1950s, oh and the Latin Jazz that JJ and I love but alas you will have to wait for next time.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

3 Weeks Out

So it has been 3 weeks since my surgery. I have been feeling pretty good for the most part. I have to try to remember that I had major surgery and I am not going to be able to do things as quickly as I'd like. I can walk more easily now but not long distances and I can't really carry anything over 5lbs. I really miss working out. I know crazy, huh! I miss being able to bend and stretch without having to grab my left side presumably where my ovary is. The scab from the surgery scar is starting to go away too.

So what have I been up to the last 3 weeks? Nothing really. I have been waited on hand and foot by JJ, he has made me breakfast, snack(which is usually a yummy smoothie), lunch, snack and we have been brought dinner by our friends and family. For the 2 weeks after my surgery our good friends organized other friends to bring us dinner every other day. It was so nice and the food was gluten, dairy and nut free per our diet restrictions. We are so grateful to everyone who brought us food and visited. JJ has also been exploring his culinary skills and has done pretty well. I have been instructing him on what ingredients to use to make dinner and he has been a great sous chef! I have started making my own breakfast and snacks now, I even made dinner the other night. 

I have been watching a lot of Saved by the Bell on Netflix and reading blogs and Little Women. I have been working on a couple of more serious and deep posts and thinking of changing up my blog to brighten it up and add some fun stuff. I have gotten bored because of my lack of mobility but it has been nice to spend more time with JJ. I have been playing a lot of angry birds and candy crush on the iPad which are both addicting and frustrating games. I started studying for my final this week and it is nice to have something challenging to do that does not take much physical work. I will start seeing clients again starting on Saturday and see how it goes.

 I have been over using the phrase "they cut my ovary" or "they shoved a wire down my tube to unblock it" and giving JJ a sad face when I want to stay on the iPad longer than I should or just to get more sympathy. I know its bad and I am trying to break this habit. I graduated from sleeping on my back to sleeping on my side last week. I am a stomach sleeper so it was so uncomfortable for me to sleep on my back.  All in all the healing is going well and I am doing more on my own each day.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Because of Infertility...

I have been thinking about how this journey of subfertility has changed my life to something I would not have ever recognized or foreseen for myself when I first got married back in 2007. Our first year of marriage we used NFP to postpone a pregnancy, although my "fertile" phase was during our honeymoon and I secretly wished for a honeymoon baby. There are so many things that have happened to me because of subfertility some good and some not so good. My post will be in a list type form so all you grammar pros excuse the sentence structure.

Because of infertility...I have cried more tears than I ever had in my whole life! I am not usually a crier, especially in public but there have been times that I have not been able to control it. I cry during Mass especially during the Creed since our miscarriage. I don't cry every time but once in awhile it hits me like a ton of bricks!

Because of infertility...I have lost friends. Now you would think that our friends would rally around us and support us during this time which most of them have and I am very grateful for them. There have been some friends that have not been able to deal with me needing them to be there for me once in awhile. I remember talking to one of my "good" friends and letting her know how much I needed her to be there because I was hurting so much from our infertility. I'd love to say she tried to understand and has been there for me every step of the way but she hasn't. After that conversation she freezed me out of her life for over a year despite me trying to get in contact with her. That was so hard to deal with on top of dealing with infertility. It took a lot of prayer and confession to let that go and let that friend go. I do not blame her so much because infertility is a hard thing to go through and be around and it is hard to know how to be there for someone. I also don't spend much time with friends who have kids because our lives are just so different. They are off planning mommy play dates and I would be kind of like a third wheel.

Because of infertility...I know more about the human body than I ever wanted to know, seriously! I used to be such a private person about my body and I still am for the most part. When you have Drs., ultrasound techs and nurses seeing your business your embarrassment kind of starts to fade away especially when you have had surgery and been in the hospital. There really isn't much to hide from your ob/gyn, thank God mine is a woman!

Because of infertility...I have become much more comfortable in my own skin. This is the body God gave me and as flawed as it may be inside and out it is mine. This has also helped me when I go to confession. I used to be more scared of confession because I would be exposing myself and my sinful nature to another person. I guess I was kind of thinking of the priest as a spiritual ob/gyn, who I would be so scared to go to. Now I feel like I make better confessions because of getting over other embarrassments.

Because of infertility...my life has revolved around cycle days not calendar days! I operate in terms of cycle days for medications and figuring out the most fertile time in my cycle. This used to drive me nuts because I would be thinking about what to take on which CD. Now that JJ does the charting, he tells me when I am suppose to take my stuff and let's me know which CD we are on. Praise God for my awesome hubby!

Becasue of infertility...My marriage has gone through so much in a short amount of time. This has brought us a lot closer and given us a strong foundation. I feel like we have each other's back and God has bonded us together through the grace of the Sacrament. We have argued, cried and consoled each other more times than I can count. I am so much more in love with JJ than the day I married him. Infertility has not broken us, it has made us stronger.

Because of infertility...My relationship with God has grown immensley. I have questioned God so many times on this journey asking Him if He is sure I can handle this cross. I have plunged myself into the depths of His grace to endure each CD1 and our miscarriage. I have run to confession when my weak human nature gets the better of me and when I have become bitter and jealous. I have united myself to Christ and His suffereings with each painful CD1, blood draw and surgery. I have learned so much by looking at and reading the lives of the Saints and how they handled suffering. I have allowed God into the deepest parts of my heart that need healing so that I can become who God made me to be.

Because of infertility...I have made some very lasting strong bonds with new friends. There is something to be said about the bond between women who have suffered infertility or a miscarriage, we truly love one another. I have met awesome people in real life and on the blogosphere that help me along my journey. Knowing that I can ask for prayer or pray for someone else in a similar situation has been a huge comfort! My intercessory prayer life has grown a lot too. Now when I say I am praying for you, I really mean it and I don't just brush it off. Knowing that I am not alone in this struggle keeps me sane! This awesome friend introduced me to the blogosphere and I am forever grateful to her for that. You really find out which friends to run to and which friends to keep at a distance when you go through infertility. I hope and pray that I am as good a friend to those who have been there for me.

Because of infertility...I have learned how to go with the flow a little more. I have learned that I don't have much control over whether or not we conceive and if we do when it will happen. This has made me a little more laxed in other areas of my life. 

Because of infertility...I am doing something I love! I am helping women and couples to understand their fertility by becoming a Creighton Model FertilityCare Practitioner. Working with couples and women from all walks of life has really been a blessing to me. When I can help a woman understand her fertility and not be afraid of or ashamed of it or get help for her fertility related issues, it is one of the most rewarding parts of my job. When a couple discusses how they can better their relationship it really helps me to better my marriage as well. I never would have known about the Creighton Model had it not been for our infertility and our wonderful practitioner nudging me to go into the internship program.  

Because of infertility...I have become a more compssionate, vulnerable and loving human being who recognizes my imperfections just like everybody else. I don't think this one needs much explanation :)

Because of infertility...I am writing what you are now reading. I originally started this blog as a way to keep in touch with friends from afar and share our life. After not writing for 2 yrs. because of our fertility struggles I decided to write about those same struggles.

Because of infertility...I know what it is to wait and try to cultivate patience for those things I desire most.

Because of infertility...I am much stronger than I was before this journey began.