Another call...

We got a call from our agency this past week. When I saw the number on my phone I did not recognize it so I did not answer. It was the adoptions coordinator at our foster agency saying "call me back as soon as you can. I have a possible placement for you guys." I had butterflies in my stomach listening to the message. So I said a prayer, took a breath and called him back! Immediately upon answering he apologized for calling saying that he did not read the full email he had received and got a little over zealous. The need was a home for a sibling set ages 9 and 2 years old. My heart dropped to my stomach as I had to tell him no and remind him that we are only certified for under two years old.

On that same day we got an email from private adoption facilitators we had been in contact with back in 2014. The email stated that there is a need for an adoptive home for a baby due in August. The birth parents would like a home that does not have any children yet. The facilitators did not mention the cost of the adoption. JJ and I looked at one another and JJ immediately said no. We have not felt called to private adoption primarily because of the cost and doors that have been shut in the past.  

So, we got a call and an email both which resulted in a no. Now we continue to wait...

So, How'd We Get Here?...Foster-Adopt

   If you have been following my blog for awhile, you know that I have not been open to foster-adopt in the past. In fact, when it was suggested to me by another blogger, I shut the possibility out of my heart and mind. Now here we are pursuing the very thing I was closed to. There is a crib set up in our room. I am buying baby clothes and looking into baby carriers. Our medicines, supplements and knives are all locked up and our house is baby proofed.

   We got the official call this week that we are certified so, we are done with our classes, interviews, home study,  CPR/First-Aid certification and all of the paperwork! We are officially a waiting family with our agency. We will hopefully get a call from the adoptions department this week to set up a meeting to talk about our matching options and preferences. In the midst of all this, I find myself thinking, "Is this real? Can this really be happening?" Yes, it is real and it is happening. We are moving forward with growing our family through foster-adopt! It is all very exciting and nerve racking!

JJ and I before a pep talk.

JJ and I after a pep talk. 

   So, what has changed? Me. I have changed, or rather God has changed me. Let me explain why I was against foster-adopt in the first place. It can really be boiled down to fear, pride, and control. I wanted my baby on my terms whether that was through biological means or taking home a newborn from the hospital via a private adoption.* I did not want to let go of control; and quite frankly I was afraid of suffering in this way. I was keeping a part of my heart locked up so that I would not be hurt. I wanted control of how our children came into our lives because, of course I know better, right? Wrong. God knows better. He knows what I need and how our children will come into our lives.

   So the first part of giving up control was to let JJ lead in how and when we would grow our family. This took the pressure off me so God could just work on my heart in areas He wanted me to grow. It also allowed me to have trust in God and my husband; knowing that they would protect my heart. I was in this waiting period for about a year and a half. I was waiting on word from God and word from JJ on where to move and when, if ever. At first it was frustrating, but I really prayed for docility. As I waited, I worked on my prayer life and made sure I went to Confession with my SD every couple weeks if I could, but at least every month for sure.

   Little by little, I noticed that I was OK with the time of waiting; I was even enjoying it. I was just trying to be the best wife I could. Then, when we took care of Ma Crow, I had no time to think about growing our family.  Taking care of Ma Crow was a time of growth for our marriage. We were challenged in ways we had never been challenged before both individually and as a couple. Once I had more time after she transitioned to my SIL's and then back home, my heart ached again. It ached for children and that self giving love in service to another. My heart ached for that family time of welcoming another human being into our home to share our faith and traditions.

   That is when JJ and I had a serious conversation, and lo and behold he was feeling the same ache as I was. I asked him if he had sought some direction for our discernment. Since he had not, I suggested he should, because often times God's answer is not as clear as a yes or no. Plus, I knew neither of us would move unless told to by someone in authority that we highly respect. We both are naturally cautious and slow. So, the organized mind that I am, I gave JJ a deadline on when to seek out advice. I also gave him three priests to choose from; since he is phlegmatic. This helped him to not feel overwhelmed in this huge life changing decision. The priest he went to knows us both very well and his advice was to pray one novena to St. Joseph, the foster father of Jesus, and then make a decision. After that, we were to not look back, whatever our answer was! This was key advice, since JJ and I tend to over analyze our decisions.

   So, we prayed the St. Joseph novena in March and made the decision on his feast day; which also happens to be my mother's birthday. On the feast day, came to the decision to pursue adoption and even more to pursue it through the foster care system. I was shocked that my heart was no longer set on private adoption. God had been doing something in that time of waiting and exercising docility.  He had opened my heart and gave me courage. JJ and I also felt that it was important for us to continue to save our money for a home and not spend a ton of money on a private adoption. Yes there has been some costs to us to become certified foster parents, but it has not been nearly as much as private adoption costs.

   There were three major things that held me back from foster to adopt, and I still struggle with them:

   1) Not being able to name our child from birth. Names are so important to us and as parents, it gives us an authority over our children. Well, with foster to adopt you do not have that authority; not at the beginning anyway. I really had to give this to God and keep in my heart all the baby names I have loved over the years and hopefully, if it be God's will, I will get to use them some day. If not, there they will remain in my heart.

   2) Not being able to baptize the child until they are legally adopted. Again this is an authority issue. You can always ask the bio family, but if they say no we have to respect that. I had to give this issue to God as well and I still complain about it to Him every now and again; okay, maybe more often than that.

   3) Not being able to breastfeed. I know that there are other ways to bond, but I really had a struggle to get over this hurdle. I know there are mamas who have not breastfed, yet have a wonderful bond with their children, as well as have their children be healthy in body and mind. Hey, I was not breastfed! So, there you go.

   With all three of these internal obstacles, I had to admit that I had no control and that God is ultimately in control. All I can do is be a conduit of His love. This is how God wants to sanctify me: by giving up control and just trusting Him. There is so much unknown with foster to adopt. We have no idea if our 1st or 10th placement will join our family forever. It is hard for others to wrap their minds around why we would do this. The simple answer is that it is a calling. God has opened my heart to accept this calling. He has given me peace about what we are stepping into. I am so grateful and humbled to parent the children that will come into our lives. We want to be Christ's hands, feet and shoulder to the children that we will parent. We want them to know that God loves them and they have so much dignity, no matter what their background is. We are opening ourselves up to heart break, and in that we find Christ. God, give us strength! St. Joseph, pray for us!

*I just want to say that I am speaking from my experience. I am not against private (domestic or international) adoption. I am very much for it. I think it is as needed as foster to adopt. I know there are different crosses and sufferings with private adoption. At this point, that is just not what we are being called to. 

Illumination of Dark Hearts and Shadowed Minds

     Weird title huh? What could I possibly write in this post?

     I know it has been a while since I have written. There are times where I feel I have so much to say and times where I can not fully express what I am trying to say. If I could describe the past 6 months-1 year of my life, it would be boiled down to the following two words: growing pains. You know when you would get those aches as a kid because your body was growing and your parents said, "Oh, it's just growing pains."? Well, that is what I feel has been going on with me, not physically, but on the emotional and spiritual level as well as in my marriage. I have been reflecting a lot lately since Ma Crow left our home.  As I have been reflecting on my time of “hands on” service to her, JJ and I discovered a lot about the state of my soul, psyche and our marriage. The experience in care giving has taken my mind out of the shadows about what it is to be a mother, my perfectionism and the state of my soul.

     Let's start on the "Dark Hearts" part of this post. I realized in a deeper way the fleeting emotions of the heart. I realized my concupiscence and how I easily fall into sin because of it. It brought me to my knees begging God for mercy. Appropriate for this year of mercy huh? While taking care of Ma Crow 24/7 with JJ, I found myself so tired that I would snap at him and even at Ma Crow. I wanted to drive a wedge between JJ and I so that I could have an excuse to leave him to deal with caring for Ma Crow alone. Not that I would leave him for good, but I wanted to go stay with my family so it would be easier on me. I am ashamed to even type those words, but they are true and that is how I felt at the time. I realized how weak I am when it comes to giving of myself and not getting much back in return. At the end of long days, JJ and I could barely hold a conversation as we were both so tired; yet we yearned to spend more time together. I recognized the way in which the enemy was trying to use this situation to get us off guard. I would hear lies echoed in my heart like, "You will lose him." or, "He cares more about his mother than he does you." and, "Your dad left, so you will be just like him." These fears started to consume my heart and I would pick fights with JJ for random things. For the record, there were legitimate things that JJ needed to address while we were caring for Ma Crow, as well as after she left.

     I do not want to give the impression that I am all bad and JJ is all good. If I think about it in this way, that is when the enemy wreaks havoc on me. We must confront the lies we hear and light them with truths... more on that later. Meanwhile, my emotions were trying to run the ship and, with the grace of the sacraments, God was able to reveal this fact to me. Confession and spiritual direction from two different priests helped me to see the bigger picture and look beyond myself. I realized how selfish I was being and that up until then JJ had been my rock; now it was my turn to be his. It was when I confronted this darkness in my heart and asked Jesus for mercy and help that I was better able to serve JJ and Ma Crow. Even the times where I was done and did not want to do a single thing for anyone else, God gave me the grace to keep going. He not only gave me the grace to keep going, He gave me the grace to do it with joy! By the end of our time taking care of Ma Crow in our home I was sad that we could not do it anymore and I was going to miss her.

     Shadowed minds. This can happen when you are naturally exhausted and sleep deprived. Things start to seem hazy and your path looks so unclear. There were so many times where I had no idea what to do or how to handle a situation. Grant it, we needed to give ourselves a learning curve because we had not taken care of a stroke patient before and we had no idea what to expect. We had no clue she got up so many times at night to use the restroom, that we would not be able to just take her wherever we wanted to go or the emotional baggage that comes with a fully grown elderly human being. We had to change our way of thinking from, "Ma Crow is here for rapid recovery." and, "We run the show." to, "What is best for us all as a family." In the spiritual life, your path to God can seem like a shadow or like you are looking at the road through a veil. We will never see clearly until the day we meet Him face to face. There will always be some sort of haze because of our concupiscence. The wonderful gifts that help us clear the haze a bit are Confession, Mass and mental prayer. I have to say, when I can’t get to daily Mass or confession as often as I'd like, mental prayer is such a saving grace for me. The constant dialogue of, “Help me Jesus!”, “What do you want from me?!”, and, “Have mercy on me!”, keeps me coming back to Him over and over.

     After Ma Crow left our home, we knew God was calling us to a time of heavy discernment. There were things we realized that we wanted in our life, and taking care of Ma Crow helped us to realize that. Times of discernment seem especially shadowy though, don't they? The waters always seem murky when trying to find a clear answer, and as you try and push away the shadowy reflection, it just becomes more distorted. The questions arise of what to do, for how long, in what way and how do we get there? I am already a very methodical person and plan a journey meticulously before stepping out the door (can you say Bilbo Baggins?) But, with the things of God you can not do that. It really is an adventure and I do not like adventure because of my natural tendency toward fear. I love how God wants to release me from my fears, though there are many.

     I should have known that this is THE reason God wanted me to marry JJ! Since from the start of our marriage it has been an adventure. For our honeymoon, JJ and I went on a road trip up north. We had no map to get us there. We just knew we could take PCH and get to our destination eventually. A simple 4 1/2 hour drive turned into a 7 hour excursion with wrong turns, gas station directions, sightseeing, back roads and Hershey Kisses raining in our car (literally!). It was an adventure, but there was a safety and security there. I was not worried when we would get to check into our hotel; I was a joy filled beaming new bride. I am guessing the grace of the sacrament had a lot to do with that. The point is that I trusted and did not have fear; even though the way was not certain.

     Now, God is asking me trust Him in the same way I did then. Through much discussion, prayer and discernment, JJ and I have decided to pursue adoption through foster care. There are so many things I have to say about this decision. There has been so much peace given us about this decision, even though we know what heart ache could and will await us. We are ready. We are ready to open our lives up to a child who needs us, whether that be for a limited time or their whole life. We are not saints; we are simply answering a call. We know that we will have struggles and believe me, there are so many things about this process that are illogical and quite frankly, stupid. But, I am willing to submit to the call that God has laid out before us. We have gone to our initial classes, done finger printing, finished our application and will have our initial home inspection this upcoming week! We are so excited and are trying to enjoy the process and journey as much as possible before the real work of parenting starts.

     So, big news huh?! WAIT, there's more!

     We are also picking up where we left off with our NaPro Dr., in hopes of trying to conceive again. I underwent some initial testing to get a baseline of where I am at. I had an u/s that indicated LUFS was still an issue. This time she saw it on my right ovary, but my left ovary looked as if it could have ovulated, though she could not confirm. So, we now have a plan from our NaPro Dr. that we will follow in hopes of trying to conceive. Again, there was so much discussion and prayer between JJ, myself and our spiritual director that went into this decision. God has given me so much peace about this process. I do not feel like I am beating a dead horse with going back to NaPro. I actually feel hope and determination; no matter what happens. As our NaPro Dr. was laying out the cycle plan to me with ultrasounds and blood tests, I chuckled and said, “Oh, I remember this.” She replied, “Are you ready for this?” My answer was simply, “Yes, with God’s peace, I am ready.” If my NaPro Dr. is not ready to give up on us and she has hope, then I am not ready to give up. I trust her judgement and I know she would tell me if she didn’t think it was possible. So our new cycle plan will start next cycle!   

     We are ready. Ready to submit to the call that God has laid out before us. We are, "Opening wide the doors to Christ.” There is a peace and fortitude that is pushing me along that I did not feel was there beforehand. I felt like I had peace, but I was still afraid of God’s answer. I am no longer afraid of what will or won’t be His plan. I just want what is His plan. As we move forward on this journey of two huge and time consuming ways to grow our family, we would appreciate any prayers on our behalf. We are already praying for our children and how they will come to us. We are especially praying for those children and families we will encounter in the foster care system. As Mother Luisita* would say, “Adelante (onward)!” We keep moving forward trusting in God and knowing His will for us is better than our own.

     *Venerable Mother Luisita was the foundress of the Carmelite Sisters of the Most Sacred Heart here in Los Angeles. You can find out more about her here.  

Adoption Update

We are still here folks, I can't believe I haven't written in almost a month! It has been a busy time and there is a lot going on right now that we are trying to figure out. I am taking this time in between follow ups in the nice air conditioning of the office to update y'all because I know when I get home I will have to start dinner, then go to another follow up and by the time that is done I will be d-o-n-e for the day. 

In regards to adoption we are at the same place of not having the money and trying to figure out how this will all work. It has been a difficult thing to know we have the desire to adopt and know which avenue to go through but we can't because of finances. I feel like my hands are tied and all I can do is ask God to untie the knot of finances for us. We have had to turn down adoption opportunities from our facilitators and friends who have let us know about children/birth mothers. It has been the hardest thing to have to say no because we can't scrape the money together for it, especially because a lot of them have been last minute.

 Adoption is not easy. We are talking about needing at least $15,000 to start off with and that does not come by easily, at least not for us. So please don't tell us about any adoption opportunities until further notice so we don't have to say no unless it's of little to no cost, which doesn't really happen. Oh and please don't tell us to just do foster care because it's free. We have discerned that for right now foster care is not for us. The financial part, having to say no and knowing the baby girl's due date who we almost adopted passed at the beginning of July has made this aspect of our lives a little bit of a crap fest lately. 

As a melancholic I get discouraged easily and can tend to give up on things. I am trying to fight that tendency that says "just give up, it's too hard!" We are figuring out what kinds of fundraisers we can do and grants we can apply for. We can not do loans because to pay back a loan would be more than we can financially handle at this time. Isn't there a rich family who would like to help a working class family adopt out there somewhere? At first we wanted to pay for the adoption all on our own because of pride and because we thought well it's our child we should pay the cost. We also thought it would be weird to ask people for money to help us bring our child/children home. Adoption is way different financially than being able to have biological children because your up front cost is $20,000-$30,000 plus the cost of raising the child(ren). My perspective has changed now, I am not above begging or asking for financial help ;) Once we have a fundraiser and date to start we will let y'all know!

We did get to go to our infant cpr class which was fun. All the couples there were pregnant of course and we were starting to feel out of place but the instructor was so welcoming and encouraging to us. She gave us the discount price they usually give to couples who deliver at the hospital, she kept telling me about mommy resources and emphasizing to me that I am just as much a mother as the other women there. They went around the room to ask everyone when they are due and JJ said with a grin on his face, "we actually don't know when we are due, it's a surprise because we are adopting!" Then the instructor said "congratulations that's is great news!" All in all it was a good class and I highly recommend expectant parents take the class.  

Even though it's been hard lately because we are stuck in this unknowing, adoption is very much still in our hearts and around us a lot. We went to a film festival where we saw a movie called "40" about abortion in our country. Part of it talked about how abortion clinics demonize adoption and push women toward abortion rather than adoption. There was a lot of encouragement for pro-lifers to become more knowledgable about adoption so they can council women that it is a great option if they can not parent. I am so glad it was dark in that theater because I was balling my eyes out during that whole part of the film. I also got some good resources from the film so we can get more versed in the adoption process. 

So that is where we are at, just giving it to God and asking Him to direct our path. At daily Mass yesterday I just cried, told God how hard this all is and to please give me fortitude and grace for this journey. It has been such a long road that sometimes I think we are in the same place we were years ago. I know we are not! I know we have grown so much and healed in so many ways, we are so very grateful for that! I still need to do a wrap-up post about our trip to Alabama and some spiritual challenges and growth that has happened. I just need to sit down and do it, even in the midst of this busy time. The next couple weeks aren't suppose to be as busy so I will try and collect my thoughts then. Happy feast day of Sts. Anne and Joachim coming up on the 26th and happy anniversary of Humane Vitae tomorrow! 

So.......

The birth mother we met with decided to not place the baby due in July up for adoption. The baby is a girl. We are obviously sad about it. She did not go with another family but decided to try and parent. The more heart breaking thing about it is that the baby girl will probably go into foster care/dcfs custody once she is born and not stay with the birth mother. There is nothing we can do about it except pray. There are some other heart breaking and weird circumstances about this case but I don't think I should go into any further details. I got the call on Friday afternoon as I was working on last minute details for the infertility/miscarriage retreat that I was leading the next day. I told JJ when he got home from work and I could see the disappointment in his eyes. This journey is hard, not just adoption but infertility. I haven't had much time to process it all because of a busy weekend we had which was a blessing. The retreat went really well and I am so thankful that it all came together, more on that in a other post.  

I saw my AFGM at the retreat and she could identify with the pain that I was feeling. I was trying not to say what it felt like but she said it out loud and that made feel better about sharing it. This failed adoption feels like a miscarriage. The feelings about it are very similar but not the same amount of intensity. When I shared it with JJ he agreed that his feelings were similar to what he experienced when we lost Cecilia. It's like you got the positive pregnancy test but you are not going to get to meet or hold this baby. Sorry if this doesn't make sense, it's just how it makes sense to me. 

We went to a baptism on Monday and I was fine until they did the blessing of the mother and father at the end. That part gets me every.single.time. The last song at the baptism was Blessed Be your Name which is one of my favorite praise and worship songs. At that point I just wanted to crawl into a hole  and just wallow. The other part of me just wanted to be there and see all of our friends and have fun. I tried my best to not be so down but I don't think I was fooling anyone, ha! One of our priest friends who was there told me that I could call/text him anytime to let him know how things were going and that he is praying for us. We have such a supportive group of family, friends and church family or "churchies" as we like to call them. A lot of them let us know they are praying for us, that they are sorry to hear what happened and gave us some encouraging words. In this respect we are very blessed, I know of many other couples who don't feel supported by their friends and family. We are so grateful for the prayers and love, I know they are giving us strength and grace for this road. 

So that is where we are. Our next step is to do things in normal order like start our home study and all that. I think we are going to start the home study after our vacation in June or right before it, we haven't decided yet. Thank you for all the prayers we really appreciate it! Please continue to pray for us. 

How to Meet a Birth Mother w/out Going Insane!

So our adoption facilitators told us early last week that they were going to show our profile to a new birth mother. The one from a couple weeks ago they hadn't heard from again so we are pretty sure she chose to parent. They showed the birth mother 6 profiles and we were the couple that she wanted to meet, the one she liked the most. I was in shock and I was amazed she wanted to meet us considering I put the profile together in only a couple hours. They let us know late afternoon on Friday that she wanted to meet us on Sunday if we were available. I believe the words from the facilitator were "what does your Sunday look like?" My response was "whatever you want it to look like? Tell us when and where, we will be there." I am glad they told us only two days before so I didn't have too much time to agonize over the meeting. We were going to meet the facilitators on Saturday anyway so that put us more at ease so we could ask them a lot of our questions. So here are my tips that may help you get through what could be the most awkward, nervous, exciting and uncomfortable meeting of your life! 

1. Pray, pray and pray some more!

Start praying right away for peace, whatever may come. Pray for the birth mother and her discernment and for the baby who could potentially become your child. Get others to pray for you, gather up your prayer warriors so that you know you will be surrounded in prayer. Knowing that we had the support of our friends and family through prayer was such a huge relief. Pray a rosary on the way to the meeting! My DH suggested we pray a rosary while we were on the freeway and although I was a ball of nerves and didn't want to I went with it. It was so good for me to focus on prayer and ask Our Lady to intercede for us, it really calmed my nerves. 

2. Do your hair and make-up

Now I am not saying this for vanity's sake or trying to sell yourself to the birth mother. It is more so that you feel more at ease. Let's face it when we feel beautiful we feel more confident in who we are. Plus I find doing my hair and make-up pretty relaxing because I put on my favorite music to get ready to and just concentrate on getting ready. 

3. Be Comfortable

Do things and surround yourself with what gives you comfort. Listen to your favorite music on the way there, wear a favorite bracelet or pair of earrings. If you have a favorite rosary bring it with you in your purse. Being comfortable will make you more relaxed and more yourself which is who the birth mother wants to get to know. 

4. Embrace the Situation and Be Random

Now don't be all random and all over the place when you are meeting with her, do that before. When I found out she wanted to meet us I had all these thoughts and feelings that were jumbled together. I embraced my crazy and just let it happen. There would be times where I would just shout "Ahhhhh!" when JJ and I were home or in the car on the way there. I cried because I was overwhelmed by the supportive response we got from family and friends who were surrounding us in prayer. I even cried on the way there because it gave me hope which is hard to come by when you have been dealing with infertility. 

5. Bring a Small Gift 

This may sound a little odd but I think it's a nice ice breaker. Ask your agency or facilitator a little about her so you know what may be appropriate. We found out she likes candy so we got her some of our favorite candies and it turned out her and I both love the savory and sweet combination which was one of the candies we got her. This helped us to break the ice a bit and made it feel a little less awkward. 

6. Remember You Are Both Human

This may sound obvious but I think we can forget this as you and the birth mother are in opposite situations, she is pregnant and you desperately want to have a child. You feel judged because you think she is critiquing your every move and she feels judged for being in the situation that brought her to choose adoption. JJ and I really tried to treat this as if we were meeting any new person for the first time. We allowed her to control the conversation so she could feel comfortable asking us questions which wasn't that difficult because she was naturally extroverted and we are naturally introverted. I tried to be a little more extroverted so that I was consciously not drawing too inward which I tend to do around new strangers. Be honest with your answers because you are not perfect and she should get to know the real you, she is trying to make the best decision for the baby that she can and I am sure it is not easy. 

7. Celebrate

When it's all said and done whether or not you find out if you are a match that day go out and celebrate in a small way. This helped us to feel good about the accomplishment that we had done, it was one more thing on the adoption journey that we had experienced. Even if she doesn't choose us we now know what happens at a meeting with a birth mother so we have some experience under our belts. JJ and I went out for frozen yogurt afterwards and it was just what we needed! 

So those are my tips for meeting with a birth mother. All in all we had a great experience! We will find out this week if she chooses us so please keep us in your prayers! Our facilitators said 90% of the time if a birth mother has chosen to meet with you it's usually a match but the melancholic in me is thinking about the other 10% of the time. I have a pretty busy week ahead with clients and the retreat coming up on Saturday so I won't have too much time to agonize about it but let's be real I will be thinking about it a lot. Please keep her, our facilitators and us in your prayers this week, thank you! St. Joseph, pray for us! 

Adoption Whirlwind

It has been interesting what my brain is doing lately. It has had to switch from practitioner/CrMS to retreat/infertility to adoption to wife all at a moments notice. I can be in the middle of a phone conversation with a friend and answer my call waiting to someone wanting to learn CrMS or I can be emailing the adoption facilitator and get an email about the retreat at the same time. Phew, my brain is tired! This recent situation I am sharing definitely made my brain switch to adoption fast...

So it was not but a month ago that I announced here on ye' old blog that we were really moving forward with adoption. We thought we had narrowed it down to one agency or one private law group that we would work with. I called the law group over 3 weeks ago and they still haven't called me back plus the receptionist who answered didn't seem to know who to refer us to when I told her "I am looking into some information about adopting through your law group." Maybe that's a bad sign? I just know that this law group is pretty experienced with handling adoptions so I was pretty puzzled. We haven't registered for the one day training class with the agency we wanted to go with although they sent us the preliminary application approval weeks ago. I have no idea why we haven't registered because we are pretty motivated to get the process started. We know that after the home study the wait could be as long as 2 years for an infant although since we are so open most agencies assured us our wait would be less time. 

So back in December we got a call from a friend, let's just call her our "adoption fairy godmother" or our AFGM for short, and she said there was a baby girl in need of being placed by tomorrow as she was going to be discharged from the hospital. It was our close call and it gave us the push to keep discerning whether or not adoption is what we should be pursuing. My conversation with our AFGM was so fruitful because her exact words were "no one is going to hand you a baby and say 'here you go here is your baby.' You have to put yourself out there and it's tough." At first her words may seem a bit harsh but she was pushing me to take action because she could hear in my voice how much I wanted this. She herself has adopted and known the pain of infertility so she had to come to the same reality of how hard we have to work to become parents. She "gets it" which most people don't so it is so nice having someone like her in our corner. 

So on a Thursday I get a call from her while I am in a follow up with a client. I didn't recognize the number and I usually have my phone on silent but it was on vibrate this time. As the phone was buzzing away I turned it on silent so I could finish my follow up undistracted. I was very curious as to who left a message so immediately after my follow up I walked my clients out of the office and rushed back in to check the voice mail. It turns out it was our AFGM letting us know that there was a baby boy in need of being placed soon. I call her back immediately as I am almost running out of the office waving bye to the secretary instead of our usual chit chat before I go. She tells me all about the baby and who to call. I get home and see our car in the drive way which means JJ is home. I get off the phone with her and search frantically for JJ, he is not in the house which means he is at the church praying which is what he does every day after work. As I listen to the details about this precious baby boy JJ walks up so I mouth the words "pray" and "baby" and do the sign of the cross plus a rocking baby to sleep motion. My husband probably thought I was stark raving mad at this point as I kept doing those actions until he could get it, he just shrugged his shoulders at me. I guess we need to work on our silent communication and play some more charades. 

After I get off the phone with our AFGM and download all the info I was given to JJ I then proceeded to call the facilitator. The facilitator said that if we were interested that we would need to let her know asap as the birth mother was going to look at profiles for potential families the next day. JJ and I prayed and discussed it for about 20mins and decided to throw our hat in the ring. Not having a profile yet I threw together some pictures of us with some savvy words and made a mini-profile and sent it to the facilitator at around 10:30pm that night.

As of today it has been almost 2 weeks since this happened and we still haven't heard from the birth mother, the lawyer hasn't even heard back from her. If you could please pray for this birth mother that would be great, she did have a hard situation and I just pray for her and baby boy. I am 99.9% sure that this adoption is not going to happen. It was such an exciting rush to just be thrown into this situation! To have to act fast and just go with what was being put out in front of us at the time definitely got my energy up. Hmmm, maybe I am a little extroverted after all ;) Although the next day I was a bit exhausted from all the excitement. 

We will be meeting with the facilitators this weekend to talk about their contract and services. After that we will decide when to start everything as well as figure out the financial aspect of it all. I am loving what I am hearing about these facilitators so far and how they walk us through everything. They have been so great with answering our questions and decoding all the lingo for us. They are not an agency which means there is a little more work we have to do on our part as far as lawyers and such but they do so much for the adoptive family AND birth family. They started a non-profit to help their birth mothers with services they might need long after the adoption is final. As well as adoptive families being able to help out another adoptive family's birth mother if they want to donate to their adoption. I really love that about them! It makes it feel less like a business and more like a community. 

So that is where we are at with our adoption plans. It kind if feels like full speed ahead for now until we start the waiting. Oh the waiting...

Waste Not, Want Not!

I am starting to realize more and more the meaning of this phrase, especially in terms of my struggles. In the literal sense of conserving, saving and using our resources wisely. I try to buy only what we need, which is tough! I try not to throw food away and save leftovers even if it a small portion. We recycle and repurpose/reuse things when we can so we don't have to buy new stuff. We also try and get used furniture from thrift stores and craigslist so that we are buying something that might have ended up in a landfill somewhere.

Now in the figurative sense I am understanding not wasting anything much more these days. I still suffer from severe menstrual cramps despite the medical and nutritional treatment I am on. I have also started a good exercise routine to build and strengthen my muscles so the cramps would be more bearable. The surgery I had almost two years ago showed that I did NOT have endometriosis. So here I am on CD1 thinking "what the heck! Why am I still balling and lying in a fetal position on the bathroom floor?!" As I was praying for at least one baby to be saved from abortion and for the salvation of me and JJ I was also doing some deep reflecting. Yes in the bathroom, especially during these times, is when I get some deep reflecting time in ;)

So I was thinking of why I choose to ask God to save a baby's life from abortion instead of asking God to make me pregnant this next cycle. Well part of me does not want to think about going through child birth because I feel like all of my CD1s that I have had so far add up to one long child birth experience! The other part of me knows the power of praying during suffering and I do not want to waste it on me. I know that we will have children one day no matter how long we have to wait, but the woman who is going in for an abortion today is trying to kill the earthly life of her child and to me that takes precedence. Whatever circumstances brought her to that clinic and to make that decision, her future is going to be a lot harder if she goes through with getting an abortion and that child will never be held and told that they are loved by their birth mother or adopted mother.

This is why at my lowest point when I am on that bathroom floor I pray for all, but at least one woman and child to be spared from abortion. I have been pregnant I know what it feels like to hold life and before that I have had a desire to have children pretty much all of my life. Femininity and motherhood are one in the same and they are innate to my being as a woman therefore I try not to waste my time or my suffering. I encourage all of us to not waste our suffering. Whether it is getting a negative pregnancy test every cycle, recovering from surgery, losing a child, unbearable menstrual cramps, midnight feedings with a newborn, disciplinary issues with a toddler, waiting for a birth mother to choose you or whatever it may be you can use your suffering. You don't have to make any grand gestures all you have to do is PRAY! You can pray from anywhere, even from the bathroom floor :)

Attention: Pro-Life Community

The pro-life community needs to be talking about adoption and miscarriage! The Archdiocese has services for those who have experienced an abortion but none for those who have experienced a miscarriage. Absolutely ridiculous! This is one of the biggest archdiocese in the country and nothing for those who have miscarried or are experiencing infertility on any level. That is unacceptable! Good thing this lady  moved to my neck of the woods so we could put our heads together to start something.

There is a ministry through the respect life office, dedicated to helping those women who have chosen abortion to start the healing process. What about the women who lost a child not by choice?! Don't get me wrong I know these women need help to heal, after all they did lose a child. There are so many aspects of abortion that I don't claim to understand and I fully support a ministry that aids women in a crisis pregnancy and who help families heal from an abortion. I just think that we as pro-lifers need to support families who have lost a child through miscarriage. So when we have masses and prayer vigils for the unborn who have died we should include those children who were miscarried or stillborn.

In the hunt for an adoption agency and adoption information I contacted a couple of pro-life pregnancy centers whose aim is to encourage the mother to choose life. They direct the women to either raise their child or give their child up for adoption. I hear that they rarely choose adoption and choose to parent or abort. As someone who is trying to be an adoptive mama, this saddens me. I am happy when women in crisis pregnancies choose to keep their baby because it means they are NOT choosing abortion but I can't help but wonder if adoption would be better for these women, especially teenage girls.

Pro-lifers need to start talking about adoption in a positive light. We emphasize so much on saving the baby from abortion, which I am all for, but what about after the baby is born. Adoption is an option that these women should hear about. Pro-life counselors should educate themselves on the adoption process to help ease the fears that women may have and give them correct information about common adoption misconceptions. I commend the women who know that in their heart the best thing for their child is adoption. They are displaying sacrificial love and as someone who will hopefully adopt someday, I thank them!

A lot of the times adoption is looked at like it is a sad thing whether you are adopting or have been adopted. Why is adoption such a bad word in our society? When telling people that you are adopting they kind of give you a funny look somewhere in between sadness for you and wonder of why you would want to do this. Well you wouldn't give that same look to a couple who is pregnant after having struggled to get pregnant would you?! No, you would be excited and happy for them! JJ and I are excited about having the chance to adopt and I just wish that others around us were excited for us too.

That is my rant for today!

Adoption on the Brain...

These two books have been on our nightstands the last few days. We have a conference call with an agency tomorrow, please keep us in your prayers. I know this is going to be a long process and we are going to need to learn many things. I am so excited!!! I am still cautious but I am hopeful about this avenue and we really like the agency we are speaking with tomorrow.

Quick Takes on Growing Our Family

Here is a brief update at where we are at with growing our family, I almost forgot we were trying to do that.......

--- 1 ---

On the adoption front we contacted two agencies. One agency is nationwide but their price tag consisted of about $47,000! Yup, that's right you did not read that wrong! We are now taking donations for our adoption fund, just kidding kind of. They also seem to not care very much about the adoptive parents just the birth mother.

 

--- 2 ---

Another agency only charges for the home study they do for you but they are out of state in MN. The woman from that agency said if we lived in MN it would only be about $400, you are not reading these numbers wrong people. Since we are out of state we would need to do a home study in our state and fly to MN to meet their social worker so we can be listed with them. If a birth mother picked us we would need to spend a few weeks after the birth of the baby in MN waiting to be cleared to leave the state. This all sounded hopeful to us until the woman told us that it was a long shot that one of the birth mothers would pick someone out of state. Hello who would not want to pick us and CA isn't so bad right?! I do really like the agency in MN though. They are completely donor funded and they deal mainly with women who are in crisis pregnancies who have chosen adoption.

 

--- 3 ---

I am realizing that we probably won't be adopt a hispanic baby in CA or anywhere in the US. There is a really bad cultural stigma/way of thinking, that it is better to abort or raise your baby in very poor conditions than to allow someone else to love and raise your child. I don't know where it came from but that is the sad truth here, there are very few hispanic babies up for adoption. This reality makes me sad not because I have my heart set on a hispanic baby but because I know there are many hispanic babies aborted. This also pushes me to learn spanish so that I can reach this community and let them know that adoption is a noble choice for their child.

 

--- 4 ---

There are more agencies that were recommended to us to contact by our super cool Facebook group but we haven't contacted any of them. It is a little discouraging because the money varies from agency to agency as does the attitude toward adoptive parents. I feel like I need a fairy godmother to walk us through the process of adoption because I really have no idea what we are suppose to do! Is there an adoption checklist out there somewhere? I am better with lists and a plan. If there isn't one out there I am going to make one, uh-oh here comes my choleric side.

 

--- 5 ---

On the biological front we are suppose to be back on cycle plans. We forgot to pick up the prescription for clomid in time at the pharmacy so I guess we are not doing that this cycle. Plus we need to find a place to do an ultrasound near us so they can send the results to our NaPro doc. So we are basically hoping that my body will ovulate on its own this cycle, hey a girl with PCOS can dream can't she?

 

--- 6 ---

Aunt Flow came on Christmas Eve and she brought cramps back with her this time. What is up with AF coming on holidays? I was really liking not having any cramps! I did take Tylenol because I did not want to deal with cramps with all the stuff I wanted to get done before Christmas. I laughed and found it ironic that I had cramps the day before we celebrate Jesus' birth and Mary probably did not feel pain from childbirth. JJ and I asked for her intercession and the cramps went away before the Tylenol even had time to work. That was my Christmas miracle!

 

--- 7 ---

We are hopeful for the coming year and we are so ready for 2012 to be over! We have no idea whether we will adopt this year, conceive, or both. Hopefully we will grow in love whatever may come. Happy almost New Year!  

 

For more Quick Takes, visit Jen @  Conversion Diary!

Dream a Little Dream

There have been a couple of times in my life where I have had dreams of my future children and most of the time when I woke up I payed no attention to them afterwards. Since the miscarriage I have had three dreams where we had a child. The first dream was about a month or so after the miscarriage and the baby was a girl who was about a year old. I got to hold her and I remember saying in my dream "mommy loves you." When I woke up from that dream I wept and wanted to go back to sleep to that dream to continue holding my baby girl. I did not like having that dream because I knew that it was just a dream and the reality was that there was not a baby in the next room. I know this is probably sad to read but hey I never promised a happy all the time blog. Infertility and miscarriage is a tough topic that is often sad or frustrating.

The second dream was a couple of months ago. Again the child was a little girl about 2yrs. old and we were getting ready to go to Mass. We had a tough time getting her dressed and we were going to be late to Mass. We rushed out of the house and when we got to church she wanted to be carried because she was sleepy, so my husband carried her up the stairs of the church and then she wanted me to hold her. As we were walking in the church, not late btw, everyone was looking at us like they did not know we had a kid. Which made me think that this child was probably adopted and it was our first time taking her to Mass. This dream I did not mind so much, anything is better than nothing I guess.   

The third dream happened this weekend. This time I knew for sure the children were adopted because it looked like we were at an orphanage. This time there were two children, one was a boy about 2-3yrs. old and a baby boy. We were in the process of adopting the older boy and wanting to adopt the baby as well.  The older boy hugged my husband and called him daddy as I was holding the baby boy. When I woke up from this dream I was so serious and my husband asked if I was ok. I told him about the dream and he hugged me and said ok let's do it, let's adopt. I was very focused and contemplative when I woke up from this dream but I also felt a sense of urgency, like our child was out there and I needed to find them. Then when we were more conscious and not so groggy we talked about it more in depth.

Before the miscarriage, well before we found out we were pregnant we started to look more into adoption. I had contacted a couple of agencies and we were going to get more info. and go to an informational meeting. After the miscarriage we put everything on hold for obvious reasons but also because my body was not bouncing back to normal at all. Since then we have not looked into it further, though I have not forgotten about the desire to adopt. When I think about adoption my heart fills with joy, I don't know how to explain it. I always have to examine my motives because I don't want to adopt just to fill this selfish need of mine for children. If and when we adopt I want us to do it for the child's best interest.

So after a lengthy conversation my husband and I decided to pick up where we left off. We are going to look into more information about adoption and just get to know the process a bit more. We gave ourselves a time limit so that we don't just stay in a state of doing nothing. At this point from the little we know about the adoption process we know that it is expensive. We are not rich but we try to be as thrifty as possible. I am hoping this latest dream is also a motivation for us to save more because I know we could be saving a lot more of our income. We do not have any debt so we could be saving more than we currently are. Any suggestions on adoption agencies? Any tips about the adoption process? Helpful ways to save money?