Past Due, Testing and Induction

Well baby boy is cozy inside mama's womb still. I feel like I have been pregnant and waiting for labor forever! Maybe the many years of infertility have something to do with this feeling of impatience. I just wanna meet and hold my boy already.

We went in yesterday to do a fetal non stress test and an u/s to check the amniotic fluid. Baby is doing great so no worries there. The doctor said they picked up a couple contractions while I was on the monitor. I did not really feel them, but it is a good sign that things are progressing. Our midwife wanted us to check up on him before our scheduled induction on Monday the 23rd. The good thing is that my midwife does a natural induction protocol first before resorting to more drastic measures. That makes me feel more at peace that a natural birth is still possible.

I have gotten so much advice, mostly unwanted, about how to get labor started. It has been hard to battle internally since it brings back a flood of feelings and triggers from infertility. It makes me feel like, though this may not be the person's intention, I am not doing a good enough job at bringing this baby into the world or my body is failing yet again. JJ has been so great and supportive and reminds me how ready I am for this and how capable my body is to do this.

So, that is where we are at. We resign ourselves to God's will for this baby's birth. Hopefully labor will start before Monday but if not we at least know it will start on Monday and hopefully we will get to meet him then! If you think about it this weekend or Monday at 9am PST, please say a prayer for us.

40 Weeks, Memories and a Heat Wave

Well baby Crow has decided to stay in his hobbit hole a bit longer. I thought for sure that he would come before his due date since I was an early baby but the midwife said differently, I guess she is right. JJ and I are getting pretty impatient to meet our son and it does not help that friends and family have been calling/texting the last few days to see how I am doing which is just code for "any news?" Oh and did I mention that my mom has called every morning around the same time to see how I am doing and if she needs to take a detour from work to our home in case I am in labor. So, that has not helped either.

 I was telling JJ that this has triggered similar feelings I had when we first realized we were dealing with infertility in the first few years of our marriage. When people ask you constantly "so when are you going to have children?" or "any news you'd like to share?" It makes you feel like your body is a failure and like you are a failure. The beautiful thing about this long journey of infertility has been that I learned that I had no control over when, how, or if we would have children. I had to learn to trust in God's timing and I was eventually given peace about our situation and my body.

So yesterday on the baby's due date I turned my phone off so I would not be triggered by calls/texts. We went to an earlier Mass since our usual 1pm Mass time was going to be too hot for this pregnant lady. I am so glad we went to an earlier Mass since Fr. B's homily was exactly what I needed to hear. It got me out of the self doubt thoughts that can lead to more impatience and his words were an encouragement to trust in God's will for us at each moment. I know I will meet this little boy at the appointed time ordained by God and not by me or anyone else. I have no control over when he will make his debut and that feels so freeing!

This past week was the one year anniversary of when we had to say goodbye to our foster son baby J. I can not believe it has been a year since we went through all of that. It is also not lost on me that this baby boy is due around the same time of that moment last year. I remember holding baby J while he was sleeping and handing him off to the social worker. He woke up a little bit and I shhhh'd him back to sleep before blessing him and saying goodbye. JJ and I continue to pray for baby J regularly that he would know he is loved by God.

We have had a pretty bad heat wave, like most of the country, this past weekend and continuing this week. On Friday our car registered 120 degrees! Then we had over 100 degree temps with humidity on Saturday. So, I have just been trying to stay cool and do indoor tasks. I have missed my morning walks since it is too hot by the time I am awake and ready to go out. The interesting thing is that both JJ and I were born during a heat wave so the family tradition will continue. It is funny that we are summer babies and yet we really dislike summer so maybe this little boy will be the same. We love the fall, winter, rain and cold; well the SoCal version of that anyway.

That is pretty much what is going on around here, a lot of waiting. Hopefully next time I will have more exciting news to share!

38 Weeks! Really?!

We are 38 weeks now! Whoa time has flown by so quickly! It still feels so unreal but we are preparing as best we can. Early on in the pregnancy we decided to not do a hospital birth but rather be under the care of midwives at a birth center. God lead us to our midwife through friends and aquiantances that have used her before. The birth center is about a 15 minute drive away in moderate traffic. It is located about 5 minutes or less from the nearest hospital in case we need to go there for any reason. Our midwife does not forsee any issues with labor and birth since other than fluctuating progesterone levels everything with this pregnancy is going normally, even optimally she would say.

It has been such a different experience to be labeled as a normal healthy pregnancy considering our journey to get here has not been normal by any means. Part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop but whatever happens we trust in God. We submit ourselves to what He wants for us and this baby boy. 

We had our baby shower back in late April and here are a couple of pics from it.

I have not been really into photographing this pregnancy as I have been pretty private about it all. No maternity or birth photo shoots for us! I have just been taking it all in day by day. We will probably do some kind of family photo session once baby is a couple months old or older but for now we are keeping things pretty private. I do not think I will regret not doing photo sessions considering I do not regret the choices I made for JJ and I's wedding and photos. I did not have the photographer take pictures as I got ready or the time before I got to the church which was time alone with my mom and wedding party. I'm a an introvert with contemplative tendencies, what do you expect? ;)

For being 38 weeks along I am feeling pretty good. A little more uncomfortable, tired and slower to do things but that is to be expected. No swelling yet or heartburn. I had still been able to wear my cowboy boots to Mass up until this past Sunday and now I wear my comfy running shoes with everything. I have been trying to offer up any pain or issues for those who have asked for prayers. There are many intentions to pray for like a blogger friend who will hopefully adopt another baby at the beginning of July or a husband and father of 9 who has cancer, again. If you have any intentions please email them or write them in the comments. I would love to pray for you now and during labor!

Oh the mood swings once in awhile have been a doozy! In my head I know I am being ridiculous but emotionally I need to give myself time to calm down. Poor JJ! I am trying to go to confession weekly to prepare myself for labor so that I can have as much grace as possible. I have scriptures prepared that I need to write down on index cards to focus on. I am pretty much going to have gregorian chant playing during labor since it calms me down the most.

My last week of work was a little more than a week ago and I am doing email correspondence with any clients up until July 1st. So now I get to do nesting like prepare freezer meals, organize baby clothes, clean out closets to make room for baby's things. It feels surreal at times and like I am helping someone else prepare for the arrival of their child but then I feel the baby move or kick me strongly and I remember that this is all for our child.

Things with Ma and Pa Crow have calmed down a bit and they are set up with appointments for physical therapy that we do not need to be at for all of July. Their next doctor appts after today are set for mid-August so that gives us some time. My newlywed SIL has been helpful in taking over some things like learning the meds so she can divvy them out once a week when she is over there. So far, JJ and I are the only ones who know Ma Crow's meds, dosages and frequency so it will be nice to have someone else who can step in while I recover and we can focus on our little family. JJ will be taking 6 weeks of family leave and then when he goes back my mom will take some time off to help me which is such a blessing!

We are planning his baptism for August and are thrilled that he will have a wonderful godfather. His godfather is a priest friend of ours that we have known for a couple years now. We decided not to choose a godmother. JJ felt strongly that if we have a godfather and a godmother that they must be a married couple but since God lead us to choose a friend who is a priest that we need not choose a godmother. Besides Canon Law only requires one godparent ;)

So, that is what is going on around here. Lots of joyful preparation and trusting in God's will for us and this child. Hopefully next time I write I will be a very sleep deprived mama :) Don't forget to comment on your intentions or email them to me!

The Pregnant Practitioner

After one of JJ and I's latest therapy sessions (yes, we go to therapy) our therapist encouraged me to write this post about my experience of going through infertility treatment while both my practitioner and NaPro doctor were pregnant at the same time. Why write about this you ask? Our therapist thinks this will help me transition from practitioner dealing with infertility into practitioner not dealing with infertility yet still seeing the same amount of infertility clients.

I have to say it has been very difficult to tell clients in person (I think this is not ideal) or via email (my preferred method) that I am pregnant. I prefer to let them know in advance via email. Why? Well, because I remember the awkward moment of walking into my scheduled appointment with both my Napro doctor and practitioner and seeing a protruding pregnant belly. Yup, they were pregnant around the same time! I was caught off guard and not prepared by encountering these triggers to a deep pain I was dealing with.

It would be a lot more difficult for the doctor to let her patients know she is pregnant in advance because well how would that work really? I think the only thing the doctor can do is be very sensitive to her patients by not complaining about pregnancy related issues in front of them and ask them how they are doing. It will still be awkward and probably be a trigger for the infertility patient because your blessing is on display right in front of them as they are trying to get treatment to be able to have a blessing of their own.

With my practitioner it was much more awkward since we have an email/text message relationship. Walking into that appt. I was not expecting to see her pregnant but she was showing so it was hard to ignore. So, I smiled and offered my congratulations while inside I just wanted to get out of there. I remember not really wanting to engage in the appointment after that point.

 I think it would have been a courtesy to let me know that she was pregnant and showing when an appt. reminder was sent out. Why? So that I could have time to react in an authentic way and prepare for the appointment as there was an obvious trigger there. In doing this the client has time to react to the pregnancy on their own terms and emotionally prepare for the appointment. It gives someone the space to deal with their emotional reaction and not having to just smile through a painful reminder as you stuff down your emotional response.

After both appointments I remember going into our car and crying while JJ and I drove off. I did not blame the doctor nor think that she did not deserve the blessing of that child nor was I bitter; it just hurt so much. With my practitioner I was not bitter or wishing her ill will. I was happy for her but I was sad for me. The pain of my situation in both instances was ever more before my eyes and I was caught off guard by it. Having some kind of warning would have helped me to work through those emotions beforehand. Both my NaPro doctor and practitioner have been very sensitive to our situation and are wonderful women that I admire. This is just an example of how infertility clients can be better served. 

If I have learned anything from going through infertility and being a practitioner it is that those dealing with infertility and miscarriage need the space to feel free to grieve. As a practitioner we develop a relationship with our clients even more so than a NaPro doctor does. It is simply because we get to spend more time with the clients than a Napro doctor does.

A lot of times my clients get to a point where they are comfortable sharing the pain that infertility or miscarriage has brought to them and up until this point we had a shared experience. Now that I am transitioning out of infertility they may not feel as comfortable sharing their grief with me and that is ok. I would openly welcome them to share their pain but I know just seeing a pregnant belly would already put up a wall and can make you want to crawl into a hole and sleep for a long long time.

 I am going to miss supporting them in this unique way of having a shared experience. I am still there to walk with them on this journey but in a different way now. Hopefully as a source of hope and an intercessor on their behalf. I can help them walk their journey and find peace with whatever God's will is for their life. I can encourage them to persevere in seeking God's will no matter where it takes them and to grow in virtue along the way. That is my role now. Oh yeah and teaching them about their fertility ;)

Life Update

Blessed Easter!!! It has been awhile since I have written. Life has been pretty busy lately. I am now 26 weeks pregnant and we learned baby Crow is a boy! This all seems to be going by so fast and I can't believe that in about 3 months we will hopefully be meeting our little one and bringing him home. To catch you up on what has been going on I am going to break it down by an acronym we use in teaching the Creighton Model called SPICE which stands for spiritual, physical, intellectual, communicative/creative and emotional. 

Spiritually I have been pretty consistent with my morning prayer time which has been great! I wake up and grab my missal to do the daily readings or I read part of a spiritual book to get some focus. My spiritual director suggested I read through The Secret of the Rosary as well as The Imitation of Christ (this one was for Holy Week) and those have been helpful to focus on. I also have in the mix a book on going through pregnancy from a Catholic perspective which has been so nice to explore pregnancy from a spiritual perspective. There is also a Fulton Sheen book I am going through slowly about anxiety and peace. My nightstand has about 5 books plus my Bible so, each morning I discern what God wants me to focus on each day.

Physically I am feeling OK. I can get tired pretty easily and my back has been acting up off and on. I had back issues before baby but I had been feeling so much better with diet and the right kind of exercise. With baby the pain flares up more often so I have been seeing a chiropractor that specializes in pregnancy. I could be more consistent with my exercise and stretching so that is something to work on. Typically in a good week I go walking 2-3 times a week and do the Dia Method prenatal workouts 1-2 times a week. Some weeks are better than others though. My belly is growing and there is no hiding this pregnancy ;) It is so funny to look down and see that there is a bump there. Baby boy likes to move often so that has been a different experience all together.

Intellectually I have had a lot more trouble remembering things if I do not write them down or feeling spacey at times. This is weird for me because I am usually pretty sharp and quick mentally when it comes to work and now I have to slow down and make sure I am saying the right thing. There are a couple of medical articles that Pa Crow saved for me to read so I am looking forward to reading those and hopefully my brain will function long enough to retain the information!

Communicative/Creative. Communication wise it has been hard to communicate my needs to JJ lately because they can change so quickly. I am working on taking time to evaluate what I need and if I need help (mostly physically like grabbing the laundry from the dryer) to ask for it. Creatively I have been explored making more yeasted gluten free dough. I made hot cross buns for Good Friday, which were amazing, and will be making homemade pizza this week! Another creative venture I am trying to pursue is making all knotted rosaries. Last year at vacation bible school I helped the 100+ kids we had make their own rosaries out of beads and using a knotted technique to keep them on. The rosary makers ministry at our parish taught me briefly and I really enjoyed it. I made one for JJ while I was in Alabama last August and so far it has held up. I have not attempted making any all knotted rosaries yet but, I plan to during third trimester.

Emotionally I can be all over the place. Most of the time as long as I pray, exercise and don't eat too much sugar I am ok and my anxiety/depression symptoms are low or non-existent. I think there is just a lot going on emotionally moving from infertility to welcoming our son into our home soon. There have been a lot of feelings of guilt for not being super happy all the time or when I need to rest due to fatigue and feelings that there are others who "deserve" this blessing so much more than I do. I know this is all normal to go through so I am not too hard on myself  and JJ has been a great support! Most of the time though I just have a huge feeling of gratitude for this blessing but mostly for my relationship with Jesus and JJ :)

So that is where I am at as far as SPICE. Work has been busy since I am trying to get all my clients new and current into their follow ups before I go on maternity leave in late June. Also, Ma and Pa Crow have had more medical appts to go to and I am the scheduler for those and I also go with them to any doctor appts. or tests they need to do. Basically I am there medical liaison. So scheduling has been quite hectic and has kept me busy lately.

Plus we are preparing for our baby shower that will be at the end of this month! We were not sure we wanted to have one but we ultimately decided to. We see it more as a celebration of life and to get together with family and friends before baby boy arrives. So, we are having an optional rosary time with our guests as well as making it a family a event so husbands and children are welcome. I definitely did not want a baby shower where it was just me and a bunch of women because those always made me uncomfortable while dealing with infertility.

That is what is going on and if you made it this far in the post, God bless you! I hope you all are having a blessed Easter octave and basking in the mercy of Jesus Christ. Pax!

Pregnancy Update

I gave this post a simple title so that those who do not wish to or can not handle reading a pregnancy update can skip this post.



Ok so I am still pregnant. I am 17 weeks along now and in the 2nd trimester which is wild! Baby is growing nicely and still has a good heart beat. The 1st trimester was definitely a challenge but in the very beginning I just surrendered to whatever is going to happen to my body. That really helped me not to be too hard on myself when I could not make dinner for most of the 1st trimester or eat much due to the overwhelming nausea. I also could not do laundry on my own or vacuum because I was ordered by my NaPro doc to not lift anything over 10 lbs or carry full laundry baskets up and down the stairs due to the fact I had a couple days of bleeding. Fun times! It turned out that the bleeding was due to some bleeding around the yolk sack of the baby but it was not in a dangerous spot. Also, it resolved itself (really with God's healing hand) about a week later but I was still to be on light duty only.

I have to say my husband has been a complete rockstar through all of this but I am not surprised. I am very blessed to have JJ and he is going to be a wonderful papa. He was taken aback a few times when I ordered him to not eat near me because I could not stand the smell of his food. I don't think either of us realized just how strongly I could react to food smells and textures. Now I am back to making dinner most every night and the nausea is gone. It seriously is magical to be able to eat my normal food again instead of just crackers, chip, toast, salad and protein smoothies.

My clothes are starting to get snug around the belly area and there is a bump forming more and more each day. I am waiting as long as possible before I go buy any maternity clothes. A friend gave me a couple maternity shirts for Christmas that I have been alternating wearing with my other shirts that still fit.

All in all this feels so unreal most of the time. It has been hard to make plans because part of my thoughts are "well what if we lose the baby?" or "I don't care about x,y or z because I just want this baby to stay alive at this point." I think that is what took me so long to decide if we were going with a midwife at a birth center or an OB. We went with the midwife which I am very comfortable with.

Now we are looking into baby registry items, having a baby shower and parenting?! Again, this feels unreal. Each time my bloodwork comes out great or the midwife says I am measuring right on target and we hear baby's heartbeat I am surprised. I always want to ask her "are you sure?" I guess I am still in shock that this is all happening. There is an element of wonder and awe that I have at the marvel of human life and how God as creator designed it to be. It is pretty amazing! In a couple weeks we will find out if baby is a boy or girl and do all the 20 week u/s measurement scans. We have not had an u/s since 11 weeks since we wanted to keep the u/s exposure to a minimum for me and baby.

 I have been experiencing feelings of guilt for not being super into all of the baby stuff because it feels like I am being ungrateful, which I am not, it is just overwhelming at times. The guilt of having this blessing while others still suffer is a whole other subject and post. JJ reminded me that we can only live day by day and moment by moment with what we know and that is that baby and I are healthy and growing so it is OK to make plans for baby's arrival. So, we are making plans together which is how I like it.

 I have been entrusting this baby to God every day asking for His will to be done. Doing that has helped calm a lot of my fears by allowing God to have full control over what happens and decisions that we make. Sorry this post is all over the place, I have kind of been all over the place lately! Thank you for prayers for this baby and me. I am grateful more than you know.

Gaudete Indeed

I imagined many times what it would be like to write this post. I had hoped for this day for many years.

I am pregnant. What a heavy yet ordinary sentence. Having been dealing with infertility and reproductive issues for almost 10 years (well more than 10yrs if you count the horrendously painful cycles and awful PMS I started to have in high school) my mind is trying to understand that I am growing a human being in my body. Prior miscarriage coupled with the years of infertility make this experience for me so much different than your average pregnant mother. I have to exercise my anxiety and scrupulosity calming muscle A LOT more these days.

Taking things day by day and moment by moment is a challenge. So, I just have to go on with what I know right now which is that I am pregnant and my levels are looking great so far. Somedays I hate chicken but love red meat and vice versa. I need to praise God for the present moment and trust Him for the next. I need to be joyful and not just cautious about this pregnancy. There is a new life created through the merciful hand of God working through the ordinary function of our human bodies which He created.

Did I tell you yet that I did not do any trigger shots? I ovulated on my own this cycle and twice to boot once on each side! My usually low fertility signs were amazing on their own without any extra enhancer supplements! And my progesterone was looking great post peak with just taking the standard oral dose and no post peak hcg! When I went in for my NaPro appt. after the detox was done the doctor was pleased with how my chart looked so we scheduled an u/s for a week later to check for ovulation or a LUF. Well at the u/s appt. she confirmed ovulation on the right (which made me a little sad since that tube is blocked completely). She reminded me that the left tube can still pick up the egg from the right side so all hope was not lost. Then she went over to check the left and said "Well, you little over achiever! There is a corpus luteum on this side as well. Thank you Jesus!"

 After the u/s we asked what the plans were for the next cycle. Then she said since I ovulated I did not need the trigger shots any more or post peak hcg shots since my progesterone came back great. I also did not need to do the detox supplements longer. She said basically just keep up with the nutrition plan, take some supplements that I was on prior to detox and my usual post peak progesterone. That was it! She would monitor to make sure there was no LUF each cycle but there was no official cycle plan. Little did we know that conception had already taken place and new life had sprung forth!

 Crazy, right?! I am so used to getting bad news or needing to tweak something that I was stunned to not have such a regimented cycle plan to follow. I LOVE that God showed off His skills because really this could only be Him. I mean come on, I ovulated twice and I was one who had  LUFS for years! I could not ovulate on my own without a trigger shot. That is totally God at work!

We tested on P+13 which was on a Sunday in October and it was actually the Feast of Christ the King in the Traditional Latin Mass calendar. I said a prayer before and just gave it all to God knowing that I would be OK either way. When I read the test I thought it was negative because it was not the tests that I am used to taking, JJ got a different brand this time. So, when I read the test I sighed and said "OK God not this cycle. You are still Christ the King." Then as I was getting ready to throw the test out with the box I glanced at the box and gasped. I had read the test wrong! It was positive! I kept saying "Wait, what?" over and over again which concerned JJ so he started coming toward the bathroom. I took the test to him and showed him that it was positive!

 What a turn of events and emotions in a short amount of time. It is a moment that I hope I never forget. It felt different than when we found out about Cecilia. With Cecilia we were on cloud 9 and excited. With this baby our emotions have been more subdued, calm and peaceful. We don't have any rose colored glasses on and we know we have to take things day by day because we have a long road to July. We are excited yet realistic knowing that we entrust this little one to God and His plans for his/her life. I feel the weight of this responsibility and I am humbled and thankful to be entrusted with this little life.

 I had many years to get comfortable with carrying the cross of infertility and miscarriage. Now, I hope I have many years to get used to carrying the cross of parenthood. My prayer is that I get to meet this baby, have them Baptized and they become a saint.  I want God's will. That is all I want.

Gaudete! Deo Gratias!

I Must be Pregnant, Right?!

This week has been such a tough week and it is only Wednesday! On Sunday and Monday I had a glimmer of hope that I could be pregnant. Aunt flow was late and she has been right on schedule for the last year or so. The last time she was late was when we got pregnant with Cecilia so naturally my mind wondered to think that I in fact could be pregnant. I took a test on P+13 due to my low progesterone levels just in case and it came out negative. Testing so early was JJ's idea because of my usual low prog. levels, I make him look at the test sometimes. Then on Sunday when it was late afternoon and still no AF, we tested again and it was negative. By Monday night I was pretty much going crazy because still no AF and my boobs were really sore (they haven't been that sore since we had gotten pregnant).

My excitement and hope started to gain as the fact that I could actually be pregnant and my surgery would be cancelled! I thought, oh what a great story that would be to tell our child someday! I tried not to think about it too much on Monday so we went to go see my FIL at the convalescent home where he is recovering, dropped off something for him to my MIL, chatted with my MIL and went to go get yarn to start my first (hopefully I will complete this project) knitting project. After all this, still no AF by Monday evening. So JJ and I decided that I should test again Tuesday morning which would be P+18 (which is when we found out we were pregnant with Cecilia). My cycles had not been this long since my 1st surgery almost 2 years ago. As much as I tried not to think about it, I thought about it and tried to start conversation with JJ about it. JJ was not picking up on my hints and kept saying "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it." I also could not sleep and wait to test on Tues. morning. I kept praying for God's will to be done in my body, if surgery is what is supposed to be done then so be it.

Tuesday morning rolled around and I woke up bright and early to take the test that would determine my surgery fate. I took the test and it was negative again, now I was getting frustrated! If I wasn't going to be pregnant then AF should at least have the decency to be on time! So JJ and I decided that if AF did not show up by the afternoon, we would call the Dr. to see what we should do. We decided to go to adoration and do a holy hour, it was just what we needed. If I was going to go crazy and be confused, I might as well do it in front of God. Afterwards JJ asked me how I was doing and I said I am doing much better, that today my answer is that I am not pregnant and I am still having surgery. I said "we will just take it day by day." He was pleased to see that I was more calm about it, I was probably driving him nuts!

About an hour after we went home to have lunch I had a familiar feeling. The cramping and spotting started which meant AF had finally arrived. JJ asked if I was sad, and I said a little. More than anything I was glad this dramatic saga was over and that I will likely need to increase my progesterone for future cycles. I am not gonna lie, I wish I was pregnant and I would have had to cancel my surgery. I thought about how we would tell our friends and family and how much joy it would bring all of us. Instead we got AF, what. a. let. down.

I know I am not the first person going through subfertility that this has happened to. For some women this two week wait to see if you're pregnant roller coaster happens every cycle! I have been lifting up my anxiety and disappointment up as a prayer for this blogger of the month. Now I am looking forward to my surgery more than before. I just want to take the next step in healing my body from this horrible disease called PCOS.

Pregnant Part 2

In the first part of our reflections we covered the state of emptiness. If you missed that one you can read it here Pregnant Part 1  The emptiness that we feel whether it be physical because of IF or on a spiritual or emotional level exists so that The Christ Child can fill it up and move within us. This part will reflect on the growth of Christ in us, in a sense the gestation part of pregnancy. The quotes are taken from the book Reed of God. During pregnancy the baby growing inside gets all of its nourishment from its mother and in turn lowers her immune system response. That is why a pregnant woman grows more tired as the pregnancy progresses and why pregnant women are careful in what they eat and who they come in contact with. Everything that affects the mother will affect the baby, even emotions.

During gestation Jesus was completely dependent upon Mary.

" For nine months Christ grew in His Mother's body. By His own will she formed Him from herself, from the simplicity of her daily life.... Working, eating, sleeping, she was forming His body from hers."

This gives a whole new meaning to the fact that we are Christ's hands and feet or that we are His living breathing tabernacles. When we receive the Eucharist at Mass and as we walk back to our seats we are carrying the Christ with us! We entered the Church empty and leave with an incredible gift that we must continue to nourish as we go through our daily tasks. We take Christ to our homes, jobs, the grocery store, the mall, the bar, and even to the deepest part of our hearts. When women are pregnant they are very careful with making sure they do not over exert themselves for the baby's sake or go to dangerous places because they have to think about the safety of their unborn child. We must do the same by trying to avoid those near occasions of sin or knowing ourselves well enough to know our habitual sins. Mary knew the incredible gift she carried in her womb, she could have rested or hidden herself away her entire pregnancy instead she went in haste to see Elizabeth. She took Christ into the world in which needed Him desperately.

The gestation period is necessary for growth in suffering and joy. The suffering part is the uncomfortableness that we feel as we grow and expand our capacity to love. Pregnant women don't have it easy, as much as I long to carry life within me, my NaPro Dr. reminds me that pregnancy is hard on the body. Pregnant women get cramps as the uterus is expanding, morning sickness, and the woman's body will never be the same after the pregnancy. When we encounter Christ we should never be the same. When we allow Christ to grow within us we will encounter suffering as we become sanctified. Sometimes we shake our fist at God as we suffer, which I have been guilty of, or we become bitter, or we become numb.

This stems from our impatience in our suffering.

"People sometimes get disheartened because they have read that suffering ennobled and have met people who seem to have come out of the crucible like pure silver, made beautiful by suffering; but it seems to them that in their own case it is quite the opposite. They find that however hard they try not be, they are irritable; that astonishing stabs of bitterness afflict them, that far from being more sympathetic, more understanding, there is a numbness, a chill on their emotions: they cannot respond to others at all; they seem not to love anyone any more; and they even shrink from, and dread the very presence of, those who are compassionate and who care for them....The truth is that they are too impatient to wait for the season of Advent in sorrow to run its course;"

This passage cuts me deep because I have been here comparing the way I am suffering to others. I would look at others who have been suffering with IF or miscarriage and would think "oh no I am suffering wrong, these people seem fine or despite their suffering they are not complaining like me!" Yes, I like to do things perfectly even suffer. The truth is that we all experience suffering differently. These feelings of anger, bitterness, and sometimes numbness are a normal part of the process for Christ to grow in us.

Often when we go through sorrow, we may shun joy. We think that it is not the time for it or that the dark sorrow will not allow any light to seep through. Well Christ will dispel the darkness even if for a moment that we may experience joy. I remember shortly after the miscarriage I felt guilty for laughing with my husband or feeling happy when receiving the Eucharist. I thought that I should be mourning the loss of our child more or it wasn't time to move on yet. We need to allow our emotions to run their course and be a part of our person but that does not mean that they have to rule our life. We are intellect, will and emotion not just one or the other.

Pregnancy has the joy of knowing you carry life within you and the anticipation of holding that new life. For those of us who have not been able to do that we must allow Christ to occupy that space. Christ must become our main priority just like the baby in the womb is a mother's priority; growing in feminine virtues so that your life bears fruit whether or not you have children, that is real joy. How do we bear fruit if we cannot give human life? That is much like the question that Mary asked the Angel of how is this possible? We must echo the Fiat of Mary in our daily lives in order to experience joy.

How do we live this practically? One thing we can do is to stop grumbling about our daily duties and tasks. I am not talking about the things that bother us and need to change, I am talking about us nitpicking at every little thing in our lives that we don't like. I am talking to myself on this one especially. Making our daily tasks a prayer is another practical way. Staying in constant conversation with Christ will allow us to know that we are not alone and for those of us who are not able to carry a baby in our womb this will make us feel pregnant in a sense. I will cover more about motherhood in the next reflection which will be taken from JPII's Letter Mulieris Dignitatem. Stay tuned.....

Pregnant

By the title of the post you are probably expecting me to announce I am pregnant...sorry that is not the news today, maybe someday. I know of many people who would like me to announce that we are pregnant and believe me I would like to announce that someday. I sometimes feel like everyone is expecting me to announce that, every time I see them or talk to them or when they ask me what's new with hopeful eyes. Since most people know about our struggle there would be a a lot of happy people at that news and we have a lot of people praying that we will become pregnant again. There are a lot of people journeying with us on this road and there are times where I feel like I am letting people down by not getting pregnant. Our parents would obviously want grandchildren from us but how do you let them know that they are hoping for something that may never happen. I guess that is the point of hope, huh? It was heartbreaking when we had to tell our parents we were miscarrying only the day after we told them we were pregnant. So these thoughts of pregnancy and becoming pregnant led me into a deep reflection. Would you expect anything less from a carmelitic heart?

I am pregnant and I am called to be pregnant just like every other woman on earth. You are probably thinking what the heck is she talking about? Has she taken a trip to crazy town? No, I have not gone off the deep end at least not yet. As a woman I am called to be pregnant, it may not be physical but it must be spiritual. I am called to spiritual motherhood and to be pregnant with the gospel of Jesus Christ. There are two sources that are the inspiration for these posts. One is JPII's letter to women, Mulieris Dignitatem, and the other is a book called Reed of God by Caryll Houselander. The book is divided into four parts and I will be drawing a little from each part. I cannot recommend this book enough, if you ever get the chance to read it you will get something out of it.

The first chapter is titled Emptiness. Ugh, I know IF can make a woman feel really empty but we must be empty for Christ to take up that space. So what kind of empty are you? Houselander, describes three different types of virginal emptiness that Mary possessed.

" Are we reed pipes? Is He waiting to live lyrically through us? Are we chalices? Does He ask to be sacrificed in us? Are we nests? Does He desire of us a warm, sweet abiding in domestic life at home?"

 I feel like I have been all of these at different times through this IF journey. When I am promoting NFP and NaPro I feel like I am a reed pipe being played and the musician is God. When I am struggling through the sorrow of not getting pregnant every month or when we miscarried Cecilia I identify with the chalice. Now I feel like I am the nest preparing for what is to come. I am preparing my soul and womb with love, not just for my children but for humanity. In a practical way I have been making our home more clean, beautiful, and warm; a place where my husband wants to come home to everyday and where a child will be lavished with lots of love. So which empty are you at this point in your life?

Mary's Fiat was extraordinary and yet ordinary at the same time. Mary didn't have to acquire something before she gave herself to God. She did not have to find the secret treasure, do any fundraising, or climb the highest mountain. God used the exact material she was created with, her humanity.

"She was to give Him her body and soul unconditionally...She was not even asked to live it alone with this God who was her own being and whose Being was to be hers. No, He asked for her ordinary life shared with Joseph. She was not to neglect her simple human tenderness, her love for an earthly man, because God was her unborn child."

This passage speaks to me because with IF the husband sometimes gets pushed aside. The blood draws, surgeries, nutrition, and supplements are mostly concentrated on the woman. I know there have been times where I have been guilty of neglecting JJ and focusing too much on the end goal of children. Since I make a lot of my food from scratch because of my diet restrictions there have been times where I just throw a frozen dinner in the oven for him. Mary had the incredible gift of being the Mother of Christ yet she knew her role as a wife. This humbles me as I have a lot to learn especially because we as women can sometimes have the attitude of "I carried the child for 9months what more do you want? or I am the one having to be on this special diet and giving myself progesterone or HCG injections why can't you take care of yourself? or Don't I do enough for you?" We lose that sacrificial love for our husbands that Mary had for Joseph. Our Fiat is in our saying "yes dear, I will serve you seconds...sure I can do an extra load of laundry...sure I can go pick up your razors from target." Now I am not saying that we are our husband's slaves in any way but that we often neglect their needs. I speak from the perspective of IF but those with children on this earth will have a different experience.

We are called to be empty so that the Christ child can fill up that space in our womb and hearts. If we do not love the Christ child and give of ourselves to him how can we expect to do the same for a child we so eagerly await. When we lost Cecilia I felt incredibly empty, there was no baby to nurture or grow inside me. During that time of sorrow and emptiness I was allowing Jesus to be sacrificed in me and offering my whole self, even my not so healthy body. For every time I touched my empty belly and cried out to God to help me understand why He was asking me to be His chalice. Why must we be emptied out? So that God can fill us up, of course! Which will be covered in part two…

 

Side Note: Prayer Buddy I have not posted it but I have been praying for you! Which I will reveal who you are on Christmas Eve J