Advent Re-Cap Maranatha

It is interesting that the 1st week of Advent coincided with Ma Crow's first week with us. She was discharged Monday Nov. 30th from the care facility and let me tell you, everything that could go wrong did. First off, the at home equipment that she was supposed to get did not show up and then we learned that the insurance would not approve anything except for a specialized walker. So we scrambled around in the beginning of the week to secure the necessary equipment. Since she did not have a hospital bed, Ma Crow stayed in our bed. JJ slept next to her so he could help her in the middle of the night and I slept on the couch. First time in our marriage either of us has slept on the couch!

The reason why JJ stayed the night close to her is that she was sick from her stomach and started to get a bad cough. She was up every two hours on the dot needing to use the restroom so we were all very sleep deprived... we kind of still are. I upped her probiotic and started giving her bone broth almost daily to help clear all that up. Seriously, you don't feel close to a person until you are checking the status of their poop! For her awful cough, which kept us all up all night, I did what my mom used to do; warm honey and cough medicine. The cough was almost completely gone in less than a week. We also had her breathe in steam to break up any mucus in there. Again, inspecting someone else's bodily fluids makes you feel really close to them.

Dealing with the insurance has been a pain. JJ has been the one dealing with them and I deal with the Drs. and medications. I am so used to taking so many meds and supplements a day that organizing someone else's is not that hard of a job. My main jobs have been meals, meds, laundry, clean up, blood pressure/temp. checker and  my favorite: poop inspector. On top of all that, I have been JJ's support when he feels overwhelmed. It is truly God's grace that got us through the first week. At one point JJ and I both said, "Maranatha, Come Lord Jesus!". The penance, emptiness and wonder of Advent has been deep within our hearts this year.

This has not been easy at all! Finding the balance between compassion, nurturing and fostering independence is hard. I am so glad God made me who I am as an organizer and scheduler so I have some format to go by. I am constantly trying to problem solve or see how we can make things work better for us all. Don't get me wrong, there are no rose colored glasses about scheduling because it can go out the window at any time. By the grace of God I have been able to keep tabs and remember her meds and my supplements daily without missing any of mine. Again, this has been due to God's grace! There are times where I even feel like I am thriving by doing this! We all have our moments of highs and lows or times where we are annoyed with each other. We are three introverts living together, so it is bound to happen that we get under each other's skin. It has been very difficult for me to have people in my house that I am not used to seeing on a regular basis; whether that be JJ's siblings, my FIL or medical personnel.

This care giving is a 24/7 job. It requires all of me and I am constantly asking God for the grace to get me through. There is no more "just me and JJ"; we have to consider Ma Crow. We have to make sure she is taken care of even when we are not with her. We have noticed that when we do not let her know in advance that one of my SILs will be with her for a few hours while we step out, she is thrown off  her routine and we all get a very bad night's sleep. She is not just recovering from a fall or surgery, she is recovering from a major stroke which means there has been some brain damage. Whether that is permanent or not is yet to be determined. There are times where JJ and I have both been at our breaking point and have thought we should not do this anymore, but usually the other is the strongest at that point and we encourage one another to keep going. I think the first two weeks JJ was having a hard time and this past week I have been the one struggling.

Time alone with JJ is a rarity and it has been hard to keep up our communication at this time since there is someone else here when we want to talk. Our 8 year wedding anniversary was spent with Ma Crow and we did not get to have a date alone on that day. We know that was a sacrifice we had to make at the time. My FIL is not my cup of tea as far as personality goes, so I have been having a really hard time with seeing him on a regular basis. There are times where I want to scream, hide or run away to go live with my mom. But that is not what marriage is. JJ and I are a team and this is where God is calling us to be; this is what He is calling us to do. I have realized how weak I am and how strong Jesus is. It is not because I am this great person that I am able to help care for Ma Crow, it is because God is so great that He can allow us to do extraordinary things.   

As tough as this is there is so much joy. There is much joy in giving of yourself to God's will for you moment by moment. There is joy in seeing Ma Crow's face after she does something she thought she could not do. It has been so amazing to be a part of her recovery and healing. I have discovered that I like crossword puzzles, thanks to Ma Crow, even though I thought I was not any good at them. My marriage is growing and JJ and I are becoming more in sync as we work as a team. Even though we have not had much time to communicate alone together, the skills we had before are proving to be very valuable as we care for Ma Crow. I cherish the inside jokes that we all have together. I know that JJ and I will not regret this time we spend with Ma Crow as trying as it can be at times.

I have received so much encouragement from family, friends and random strangers for caring for Ma Crow. The lady who processed our order for the medical equipment we borrowed from a local charity gave me a hug and said, "You are such a good daughter in law. Your mother in law is lucky to have you." People at church have stopped me to say that they are encouraged by JJ and I taking care of Ma Crow and my aunt gave me a great big hug at Christmas and told me I was doing a great job. My mom has been so helpful and a wonderful listening ear for me when I need her. She has helped me to get through the roughest patches. These encouragements have helped me to keep going and are confirming that God has me exactly where He wants me. I do not do this perfectly and I don't have a magic formula on how to do this well because there are so many areas I can grow in.  

Now Ma Crow has been with us for a whole month! We are not sure how much longer we will be taking care of Ma Crow before she is ready to go home. We take things day by day but we will need to figure out something soon, since we told our landlord that she will be staying with us for 4-6weeks. This has certainly been an adventure and has made us focus on what is important. Our Christmas has been pretty simple, but filled with gratitude. God has been so good to us and I pray He continue to bless us with life giving love. Merry Christmastide!   

Care Giving and Motherhood

The notion that care giving and motherhood are the same would have had me shaking my head NO WAY a couple years ago. Heck, even a few months ago I would have strongly disagreed. I had this hazy fantasy of what motherhood is. I would be always joyful with light beams coming out of my fingertips and floating around as I do daily tasks for my children and husband. My home would be perfectly organized, the weekly menu was always planned and the chaos of family life would be easy to handle, since it would help me grow in virtue. Now that I am in the position of helping care for my mother in law (Ma Crow) a few days a week while she is rehabilitating from a stroke, I see things much different. My idea of motherhood is now very different than the idealized dream that infertility gave me. 

Yes, I still see babies as the cutest creatures on the planet and when you see them, the struggle to care for them makes it all worth it. But now I see what a struggle it is to care for another human being who is not independent and needs you to feed them, clothe them, change them and make sure their needs are taken care of. My mother in law is not at the point where we need to physically feed her but we do need to cut up her food and be preparing healthy nutritious foods for her recovery as well as watch her as she eats to make sure she does not choke. We are so used to seeing babies as the most vulnerable in our society, but what about our aging parents and grandparents? Well, Ma Crow's condition has certainly challenged my ideas of love and my capacity to give of myself.

At the beginning of July is when all of this started; when Ma Crow was sent to the hospital by her Dr. for extremely high blood pressure. That weekend while she was hospitalized, we learned that her right carotid artery was about 90 percent blocked. The hospital doc sent her home with meds and a warning to go to her primary Dr. asap to get a surgery date to unblock the artery or put in a stint within the next few weeks so they could prevent a stroke. Can I just say I HATE HMO insurance! All this led up to our greatest fear and what we were trying to prevent, a stroke.

The day before the stroke, JJ and I took Ma and Pa Crow to Santa Barbara and showed them our favorite spots to eat as well as exploring the Mission. We had such a lovely day with them. 

Pa and Ma Crow at Savoy Cafe where we had a very healthy breakfast

JJ and Pa Crow on the Mission Grounds

The Drs. said there was nothing more they can do for her condition. There were no other surgeries they would attempt; they would just monitor her every 6 months. It is almost like we were all waiting for this to happen, since we knew that a stroke was a huge possibility. The next morning after Santa Barbara, around 6am, the stroke happened. Thank God my SIL was home to call 911 once she realized what was going on; because my FIL had no idea what was going on. I got the phone call around 6:45 am and then called JJ right away so we could get to the hospital. That was six weeks ago. Since then, we have been by her side as much as we can advocating for her care.

 JJ's siblings are all adults and some live as far away as Arkansas, so it has been hard on the whole family. Everyone is doing what they can in the capacity they can to help care for her. Not being a blood relative, there are times where I question if I am stepping on any one's toes for speaking directly to her doctors and nurses; but then I think, if this were happening to my mom I would want to know answers. Plus, I have gone to almost every Dr. appt. with her, so I know what they have all said and question any discrepancies.

Here is the Crow Clan circa 1987.
JJ is the one Pa Crow is holding with a white shirt and a scowl on his face, lol. 

I have always had a pretty good relationship with my MIL. She is easy going, not one to tell me how to do things, and easy to get along with. JJ is very much like her. She and I have great discussions about Catholicism and her growing up in Minnesota. I have JJ call her often to ask how to cut up a chicken or I text her corny jokes. Even though she is not one to give advice, I will ask her for it because hey, she raised 6 kids! Having a good relationship with her has made it easier to care for her. There have been times since this has happened where JJ and I have cried at different times because this is hard to deal with and we truly feel we are walking with her through this suffering.

Caring for Ma Crow has made me feel even more like a mother than when I found out I was pregnant with Cecilia. I have been stretched and poured out in the way in which I am being called to at this point in my life. I told JJ last week as we were going to bed that I felt like a wet cloth wrung dry. Yes, I am tired, but it is a good tired; a tired that I remember feeling when I was a missionary. One where you know that you are doing exactly what God asks of you and grace allows you to take it day by day. I relate to my friends who have children in the sense that sometimes you are so tired you forget to brush your teeth in the morning, you are trying to figure out when you are suppose to eat and shower, you just want to wear lounge pants all the time to get things done and sometimes you feel so overwhelmed and ask "can I really do this?" Now, I am not saying I am superwoman and in charge of her entire care yet, but the days we have been with her at the rehab facility all day are tiring; especially in the beginning when we had to do so much for her. She still needs a lot of help, but she is progressing. It takes her so much longer to do simple things because she is very weak and still has some paralysis on her left side.

It has been such a rewarding privilege to be able to be a part of Ma Crow's care and see her progress. I am learning that it is not about me or any "pats on the back" of a job well done. That does not matter. What matters is Ma Crow and her recovery. I need to check my attitude and impatience (with my FIL) at the door and be a positive light for Ma Crow. I need to be an encouraging cheerleader and nurturer for Ma Crow. Letting her know that she can do it and God has a plan for her; even in this suffering. I need to push her doctors and nurses when needed so that they don't cut corners with her care. I see so easily in these facilities how people can get left behind because there is no one to speak for them. 

 Mainly, I need to practice charity toward Ma Crow and all those I encounter. It is not easy to do this normally, but when you are sleep deprived, it makes it that much more difficult This charity is going to become much more real in the next couple of days since a recent development is that Ma Crow will be released from the rehab facility and she will be coming home with JJ and I! Our home is the best imperfect situation for Ma Crow at this time. We have a small 1 bedroom apartment right now which sounds like this whole idea is crazy and the thoughts, "Can this actually work?", keep running through my head. Our whole life is about to get turned upside down again. My work schedule, alone time, time with JJ and daily tasks are all about to change and as a melancholic that is difficult since I do not like rapid change. I will be caring for another human being full time in my home and still working with CrMS clients. We will have some help from the insurance home health care worker for a couple weeks so that is a relief! I will have to realize that I have to cut myself some slack with work and family life since I will be learning how to juggle both at this time, which will be very difficult since I have high expectations for myself. I am terrified and feel like there is a moving train that I can not stop; so I either need to hop on or let it hit me. I vote for hop on!    

This is much like motherhood in that the true nature of our femininity needs to shine through and our gifts as women must take over. This is where that "feminine genius" St. JP2 talked about in his apostolic letter, becomes such a powerful tool to heal our broken world. That innate ability to care for others and desire to keep them safe."Grace never casts nature aside or cancels it out but rather perfects it and enobles it." (Mulieris Digitatem par. 5) Femininity and motherhood are made perfect in me through my very nature, even if that nature includes infertility. Motherhood includes the entire person, not just the body parts needed to become a biological mother. 

"The moral and spiritual strength of a woman is joined to her awareness that God entrusts the human being to her in a special way." (Mulieris Digitatem par. 30) Again, this entrusting is not just physical; it includes the entire person. This takes a continuous preparation through out a woman's life. This is uniquely designed for women. Men are not entrusted with the human being in the same capacity a woman is. This is why women are fierce and have so much power in our society, especially women who realize this responsibility. Women who possess this awareness become "an irreplaceable support and source of spiritual strength for other people, who perceive the great energies of her spirit." (Mulieris Dignitatem par. 30) Wow, just wow. Is this not a beautiful goal to strive for? This is is my goal. This is the type of woman and mother I want to be.

No, I am not breastfeeding a baby, changing poopy diapers, homeschooling or dealing with tantrums. I am not caring for little ones or cleaning up their mess. I am not lulling them to sleep or reading bed time stories. I am not worrying about a little ones cough or about the color of their poop. I am making bone broth, making healthy meals for Ma and Pa Crow to eat, helping her brush her teeth, telling her she did great at PT and praying with her when she feels she can not do it. I am brushing her hair, asking what outfit she wants to wear and making sure she does not choke on her food. I am sacrificing my usual amount of alone time and time with JJ because this is more important right now. I am seeing the toll this can take on my marriage and how easily the enemy can try and use this situation to drive a wedge between us.There are days when I am just trying to "get through", and the pile of laundry that needs to be put away or dishes in the sink, just have to wait. I relish my morning prayer time with a cup of tea when I get up early enough before the start of daily tasks. I ask God to help me keep going when I just want to curl up in a ball under my covers and hide from the world. 

I see the dignity of Ma Crow and want to uphold it while I care for her. But then the worry starts to creep in; that you are doing this all wrong because you see others do it so naturally. Being woken up in the middle of the night because the person you are caring for needs help. Being attached to your phone when you are away from the person you are caring for "just in case" that phone call or text is about them needing help. The worry that another stroke can happen to Ma Crow, since they can not really prevent it from happening again, and she is at high risk. I am leaning on the grace of the sacraments; heeding the words of my confessor that "a lung that breathes in also must breathe out" and trying to find a balance between what God is asking me to do vs. what I think I should do. This is motherhood. This is care giving. They are one in the same.

 My ideas of motherhood have been challenged and oddly fulfilled during this time of trial. No, I am not carrying life within my womb. I am mid-cycle right now and we did 5 different novenas the past cycle to conceive in a last ditch effort. I have actually been thankful that we don't have small children to care for at this time so that we can focus on helping Ma Crow. I feel that these past 7 years of infertility have trained me for such a time as this.  I am carrying life in my soul. That life is Jesus Christ and He is the life of the world. This is my calling as a woman: to bring Christ to the world around me in each situation I encounter. This is going to make me the care giver that Ma Crow deserves to have. This is going to transform and sanctify my soul. I know I will be very challenged in the coming weeks and months especially with regards to introversion, privacy and perfectionism. So, prayers would be greatly appreciated for us all! Finally, I think St. JPII says it better than I ever could: 

"The Church gives thanks for all the manifestations of the feminine 'genius' which have appeared in the course of history, in the midst of all peoples and nations; she gives thanks for all the charisms which the Holy Spirit distributes to women in the history of the People of God, for all the victories which she owes to their faith, hope and charity: she gives thanks for all the fruits of feminine holiness." (Mulieris Digitatem par. 31)

What would our world be like if more women answered this call or realized this awareness? What would your world look like? How would you go about your daily tasks differently?