The Pregnant Practitioner

After one of JJ and I's latest therapy sessions (yes, we go to therapy) our therapist encouraged me to write this post about my experience of going through infertility treatment while both my practitioner and NaPro doctor were pregnant at the same time. Why write about this you ask? Our therapist thinks this will help me transition from practitioner dealing with infertility into practitioner not dealing with infertility yet still seeing the same amount of infertility clients.

I have to say it has been very difficult to tell clients in person (I think this is not ideal) or via email (my preferred method) that I am pregnant. I prefer to let them know in advance via email. Why? Well, because I remember the awkward moment of walking into my scheduled appointment with both my Napro doctor and practitioner and seeing a protruding pregnant belly. Yup, they were pregnant around the same time! I was caught off guard and not prepared by encountering these triggers to a deep pain I was dealing with.

It would be a lot more difficult for the doctor to let her patients know she is pregnant in advance because well how would that work really? I think the only thing the doctor can do is be very sensitive to her patients by not complaining about pregnancy related issues in front of them and ask them how they are doing. It will still be awkward and probably be a trigger for the infertility patient because your blessing is on display right in front of them as they are trying to get treatment to be able to have a blessing of their own.

With my practitioner it was much more awkward since we have an email/text message relationship. Walking into that appt. I was not expecting to see her pregnant but she was showing so it was hard to ignore. So, I smiled and offered my congratulations while inside I just wanted to get out of there. I remember not really wanting to engage in the appointment after that point.

 I think it would have been a courtesy to let me know that she was pregnant and showing when an appt. reminder was sent out. Why? So that I could have time to react in an authentic way and prepare for the appointment as there was an obvious trigger there. In doing this the client has time to react to the pregnancy on their own terms and emotionally prepare for the appointment. It gives someone the space to deal with their emotional reaction and not having to just smile through a painful reminder as you stuff down your emotional response.

After both appointments I remember going into our car and crying while JJ and I drove off. I did not blame the doctor nor think that she did not deserve the blessing of that child nor was I bitter; it just hurt so much. With my practitioner I was not bitter or wishing her ill will. I was happy for her but I was sad for me. The pain of my situation in both instances was ever more before my eyes and I was caught off guard by it. Having some kind of warning would have helped me to work through those emotions beforehand. Both my NaPro doctor and practitioner have been very sensitive to our situation and are wonderful women that I admire. This is just an example of how infertility clients can be better served. 

If I have learned anything from going through infertility and being a practitioner it is that those dealing with infertility and miscarriage need the space to feel free to grieve. As a practitioner we develop a relationship with our clients even more so than a NaPro doctor does. It is simply because we get to spend more time with the clients than a Napro doctor does.

A lot of times my clients get to a point where they are comfortable sharing the pain that infertility or miscarriage has brought to them and up until this point we had a shared experience. Now that I am transitioning out of infertility they may not feel as comfortable sharing their grief with me and that is ok. I would openly welcome them to share their pain but I know just seeing a pregnant belly would already put up a wall and can make you want to crawl into a hole and sleep for a long long time.

 I am going to miss supporting them in this unique way of having a shared experience. I am still there to walk with them on this journey but in a different way now. Hopefully as a source of hope and an intercessor on their behalf. I can help them walk their journey and find peace with whatever God's will is for their life. I can encourage them to persevere in seeking God's will no matter where it takes them and to grow in virtue along the way. That is my role now. Oh yeah and teaching them about their fertility ;)

Gaudete Indeed

I imagined many times what it would be like to write this post. I had hoped for this day for many years.

I am pregnant. What a heavy yet ordinary sentence. Having been dealing with infertility and reproductive issues for almost 10 years (well more than 10yrs if you count the horrendously painful cycles and awful PMS I started to have in high school) my mind is trying to understand that I am growing a human being in my body. Prior miscarriage coupled with the years of infertility make this experience for me so much different than your average pregnant mother. I have to exercise my anxiety and scrupulosity calming muscle A LOT more these days.

Taking things day by day and moment by moment is a challenge. So, I just have to go on with what I know right now which is that I am pregnant and my levels are looking great so far. Somedays I hate chicken but love red meat and vice versa. I need to praise God for the present moment and trust Him for the next. I need to be joyful and not just cautious about this pregnancy. There is a new life created through the merciful hand of God working through the ordinary function of our human bodies which He created.

Did I tell you yet that I did not do any trigger shots? I ovulated on my own this cycle and twice to boot once on each side! My usually low fertility signs were amazing on their own without any extra enhancer supplements! And my progesterone was looking great post peak with just taking the standard oral dose and no post peak hcg! When I went in for my NaPro appt. after the detox was done the doctor was pleased with how my chart looked so we scheduled an u/s for a week later to check for ovulation or a LUF. Well at the u/s appt. she confirmed ovulation on the right (which made me a little sad since that tube is blocked completely). She reminded me that the left tube can still pick up the egg from the right side so all hope was not lost. Then she went over to check the left and said "Well, you little over achiever! There is a corpus luteum on this side as well. Thank you Jesus!"

 After the u/s we asked what the plans were for the next cycle. Then she said since I ovulated I did not need the trigger shots any more or post peak hcg shots since my progesterone came back great. I also did not need to do the detox supplements longer. She said basically just keep up with the nutrition plan, take some supplements that I was on prior to detox and my usual post peak progesterone. That was it! She would monitor to make sure there was no LUF each cycle but there was no official cycle plan. Little did we know that conception had already taken place and new life had sprung forth!

 Crazy, right?! I am so used to getting bad news or needing to tweak something that I was stunned to not have such a regimented cycle plan to follow. I LOVE that God showed off His skills because really this could only be Him. I mean come on, I ovulated twice and I was one who had  LUFS for years! I could not ovulate on my own without a trigger shot. That is totally God at work!

We tested on P+13 which was on a Sunday in October and it was actually the Feast of Christ the King in the Traditional Latin Mass calendar. I said a prayer before and just gave it all to God knowing that I would be OK either way. When I read the test I thought it was negative because it was not the tests that I am used to taking, JJ got a different brand this time. So, when I read the test I sighed and said "OK God not this cycle. You are still Christ the King." Then as I was getting ready to throw the test out with the box I glanced at the box and gasped. I had read the test wrong! It was positive! I kept saying "Wait, what?" over and over again which concerned JJ so he started coming toward the bathroom. I took the test to him and showed him that it was positive!

 What a turn of events and emotions in a short amount of time. It is a moment that I hope I never forget. It felt different than when we found out about Cecilia. With Cecilia we were on cloud 9 and excited. With this baby our emotions have been more subdued, calm and peaceful. We don't have any rose colored glasses on and we know we have to take things day by day because we have a long road to July. We are excited yet realistic knowing that we entrust this little one to God and His plans for his/her life. I feel the weight of this responsibility and I am humbled and thankful to be entrusted with this little life.

 I had many years to get comfortable with carrying the cross of infertility and miscarriage. Now, I hope I have many years to get used to carrying the cross of parenthood. My prayer is that I get to meet this baby, have them Baptized and they become a saint.  I want God's will. That is all I want.

Gaudete! Deo Gratias!

When NFP Sucks...

I know, not what you would expect from me huh? The NFP loving CrMS teaching practitioner is saying that NFP is a form of sacrifice and it sucks at times. All those posters and brochures about NFP are of happy smiling couples; so why is it so hard for some? Well it just is. Like anything in life, it's not something we want to have to do. Can't we just get what we want right away with out having to do any work? It's the American culture, right? 

All of my many CrMS charts which hold 6 months of charting so that is at least 5 years of my life right here! Not to mention the 3 STM charts I had previously before starting CrMS so that is another 3 years...

"Kat, I'll be honest; I feel complacent. Why am I doing this?" 

"Why can't I just go see the Dr. right away? Why do I have to chart two cycles with you and delay the process of seeing the Dr.?" 

"How did we conceive? That was suppose to be a dry/infertile day?" 

"What's going on in my chart? I am so frustrated!"  

"I am scared to get pregnant again! The last one had so many complications and my kids need me." 

"I don't want to do this but my priest is making me take these classes before I get married." 

"I feel so messed up and broken inside like my body knows what normal is and does the opposite." 

"Is today a 'safe' day?" 

"I just want to know when I can have sex with my wife again."

"This has been hard on our marriage!" 

"I thought this was suppose to be easy!" 

I have heard all of these platitudes from clients in the last 3 years of teaching CrMS. I have walked along side every difficulty with my clients as well as wrestling with my own NFP difficulty. The truth is that NFP, however you are using it, is not always easy. I have clients who find it very easy to do and have been able to postpone a pregnancy for a year and then get pregnant on their 1st cycle trying to conceive. I have people who love this and even want to teach it someday. I have people who get pregnant after 6 months of using CrMS after 2 years of prior infertility. 

I also have the tough cases. The ones we NFP teachers are afraid to talk about because we don't want to scare anyone away from NFP. The ones who are still infertile despite the best charting and normal looking cycles even with cooperative medical treatment, umm hello that's me! The ones that were seriously trying to avoid a pregnancy, followed instructions and still became pregnant. 

We got a call last night around 8:30pm, we usually don't answer calls at that time since JJ has to go to sleep by 9pm or so. JJ answered the phone before I could yell say "don't answer it!" It turns out it was a man inquiring about CrMS but he already had a practitioner. He wanted to see if there was another one closer to them. My husband told him we were the only ones around his area which isn't a far drive but its not convenient for them. Well after talking to him for about 20 minutes my husband realized this man just wanted encouragement to keep going with learning CrMS. He and his wife have 5 kids and he is motivated to stick with Church teaching and not use contraception but his wife is not. This man just needed someone to acknowledge his struggle and say he was doing a good job. I am so glad JJ answered the phone even though I initially was upset because he needed to wake up at 3am the next morning for work!

This man's story is no different from many I know where they have a love/hate relationship with NFP. They love the idea of it with the lower divorce rate, better communication with your spouse and knowledge about a woman's overall health and fertility. What is difficult is when we are met with challenges to something that seems so beautiful in its ideology and difficult in its practice. We want a magic wand to wave away the difficulties so we can go on with normal life and not have to analyze our cervical fluids everyday. 

Here is the thing y'all; NFP is just more difficult for some of us. There are various reasons it can be difficult which include, but are not limited to, the observations, charting, instructions, timed intercourse with your spouse or ,despite you following the method 100%, you are still not getting the desired results. I am here to encourage you to keep going if NFP is something you need to do. This is why the Church says that if you are going to avoid a pregnancy by periodic abstinence during the fertile days of a woman's cycle it must be for a serious reason. NFP makes you realize whether or not your reasons are serious because who among those with difficult cases and fertility signs would do this if they did not have to! For those who find NFP difficult because they have not been able to achieve a pregnancy or figure out why they keep losing babies, I am right there with you. You have a special place in my heart and God initially called me to teach CrMS because of you. 

Some of us may feel lied to because NFP was touted as an easy way to "plan our family" but that is not always the case. They never mentioned the struggle before. They never mentioned that not all of us get exactly what we want or what we think we want out of planning our family naturally. Not all of us have perfectly "normal" easy to read signs of fertility. Not all of us have predictable fertility. As someone who is not getting what she wants from NFP and teaches it, sometimes I feel like an impostor for teaching about NFP because it has not "worked" for me. I know I am a rare case and most people can use NFP with out too much trouble. NFP has not given me a living child but it has helped me to uncover some serious issues and get them treated appropriately. It has allowed me to know so much about my body and assist my doctor in treating me. Good things aside, it has not always been easy.  

I know this is a huge reason why I teach CrMS. Not just because I have a natural knack for understanding this subject, but for those of us that fall outside of the spectrum of the norm. The hardest part of NFP is trusting God with your family size. Trusting that His will is better than your will. Since I have experience in learning to trust God's will as well as still struggle with it, I can better understand those who are experiencing difficulty with NFP. Even though their situation may not be the same as mine I can understand wanting to rip your charts, burn your books and toss your thermometer in the trash. But for those of us where NFP is necessary at this time and are sticking with it despite the difficulties, I commend you. I pat you on the back, give you a standing ovation and high five you. I sometimes question right along with you; why can't it be easier? I am here with you, walking my journey too.