The Pregnant Practitioner

After one of JJ and I's latest therapy sessions (yes, we go to therapy) our therapist encouraged me to write this post about my experience of going through infertility treatment while both my practitioner and NaPro doctor were pregnant at the same time. Why write about this you ask? Our therapist thinks this will help me transition from practitioner dealing with infertility into practitioner not dealing with infertility yet still seeing the same amount of infertility clients.

I have to say it has been very difficult to tell clients in person (I think this is not ideal) or via email (my preferred method) that I am pregnant. I prefer to let them know in advance via email. Why? Well, because I remember the awkward moment of walking into my scheduled appointment with both my Napro doctor and practitioner and seeing a protruding pregnant belly. Yup, they were pregnant around the same time! I was caught off guard and not prepared by encountering these triggers to a deep pain I was dealing with.

It would be a lot more difficult for the doctor to let her patients know she is pregnant in advance because well how would that work really? I think the only thing the doctor can do is be very sensitive to her patients by not complaining about pregnancy related issues in front of them and ask them how they are doing. It will still be awkward and probably be a trigger for the infertility patient because your blessing is on display right in front of them as they are trying to get treatment to be able to have a blessing of their own.

With my practitioner it was much more awkward since we have an email/text message relationship. Walking into that appt. I was not expecting to see her pregnant but she was showing so it was hard to ignore. So, I smiled and offered my congratulations while inside I just wanted to get out of there. I remember not really wanting to engage in the appointment after that point.

 I think it would have been a courtesy to let me know that she was pregnant and showing when an appt. reminder was sent out. Why? So that I could have time to react in an authentic way and prepare for the appointment as there was an obvious trigger there. In doing this the client has time to react to the pregnancy on their own terms and emotionally prepare for the appointment. It gives someone the space to deal with their emotional reaction and not having to just smile through a painful reminder as you stuff down your emotional response.

After both appointments I remember going into our car and crying while JJ and I drove off. I did not blame the doctor nor think that she did not deserve the blessing of that child nor was I bitter; it just hurt so much. With my practitioner I was not bitter or wishing her ill will. I was happy for her but I was sad for me. The pain of my situation in both instances was ever more before my eyes and I was caught off guard by it. Having some kind of warning would have helped me to work through those emotions beforehand. Both my NaPro doctor and practitioner have been very sensitive to our situation and are wonderful women that I admire. This is just an example of how infertility clients can be better served. 

If I have learned anything from going through infertility and being a practitioner it is that those dealing with infertility and miscarriage need the space to feel free to grieve. As a practitioner we develop a relationship with our clients even more so than a NaPro doctor does. It is simply because we get to spend more time with the clients than a Napro doctor does.

A lot of times my clients get to a point where they are comfortable sharing the pain that infertility or miscarriage has brought to them and up until this point we had a shared experience. Now that I am transitioning out of infertility they may not feel as comfortable sharing their grief with me and that is ok. I would openly welcome them to share their pain but I know just seeing a pregnant belly would already put up a wall and can make you want to crawl into a hole and sleep for a long long time.

 I am going to miss supporting them in this unique way of having a shared experience. I am still there to walk with them on this journey but in a different way now. Hopefully as a source of hope and an intercessor on their behalf. I can help them walk their journey and find peace with whatever God's will is for their life. I can encourage them to persevere in seeking God's will no matter where it takes them and to grow in virtue along the way. That is my role now. Oh yeah and teaching them about their fertility ;)

Illumination of Dark Hearts and Shadowed Minds

     Weird title huh? What could I possibly write in this post?

     I know it has been a while since I have written. There are times where I feel I have so much to say and times where I can not fully express what I am trying to say. If I could describe the past 6 months-1 year of my life, it would be boiled down to the following two words: growing pains. You know when you would get those aches as a kid because your body was growing and your parents said, "Oh, it's just growing pains."? Well, that is what I feel has been going on with me, not physically, but on the emotional and spiritual level as well as in my marriage. I have been reflecting a lot lately since Ma Crow left our home.  As I have been reflecting on my time of “hands on” service to her, JJ and I discovered a lot about the state of my soul, psyche and our marriage. The experience in care giving has taken my mind out of the shadows about what it is to be a mother, my perfectionism and the state of my soul.

     Let's start on the "Dark Hearts" part of this post. I realized in a deeper way the fleeting emotions of the heart. I realized my concupiscence and how I easily fall into sin because of it. It brought me to my knees begging God for mercy. Appropriate for this year of mercy huh? While taking care of Ma Crow 24/7 with JJ, I found myself so tired that I would snap at him and even at Ma Crow. I wanted to drive a wedge between JJ and I so that I could have an excuse to leave him to deal with caring for Ma Crow alone. Not that I would leave him for good, but I wanted to go stay with my family so it would be easier on me. I am ashamed to even type those words, but they are true and that is how I felt at the time. I realized how weak I am when it comes to giving of myself and not getting much back in return. At the end of long days, JJ and I could barely hold a conversation as we were both so tired; yet we yearned to spend more time together. I recognized the way in which the enemy was trying to use this situation to get us off guard. I would hear lies echoed in my heart like, "You will lose him." or, "He cares more about his mother than he does you." and, "Your dad left, so you will be just like him." These fears started to consume my heart and I would pick fights with JJ for random things. For the record, there were legitimate things that JJ needed to address while we were caring for Ma Crow, as well as after she left.

     I do not want to give the impression that I am all bad and JJ is all good. If I think about it in this way, that is when the enemy wreaks havoc on me. We must confront the lies we hear and light them with truths... more on that later. Meanwhile, my emotions were trying to run the ship and, with the grace of the sacraments, God was able to reveal this fact to me. Confession and spiritual direction from two different priests helped me to see the bigger picture and look beyond myself. I realized how selfish I was being and that up until then JJ had been my rock; now it was my turn to be his. It was when I confronted this darkness in my heart and asked Jesus for mercy and help that I was better able to serve JJ and Ma Crow. Even the times where I was done and did not want to do a single thing for anyone else, God gave me the grace to keep going. He not only gave me the grace to keep going, He gave me the grace to do it with joy! By the end of our time taking care of Ma Crow in our home I was sad that we could not do it anymore and I was going to miss her.

     Shadowed minds. This can happen when you are naturally exhausted and sleep deprived. Things start to seem hazy and your path looks so unclear. There were so many times where I had no idea what to do or how to handle a situation. Grant it, we needed to give ourselves a learning curve because we had not taken care of a stroke patient before and we had no idea what to expect. We had no clue she got up so many times at night to use the restroom, that we would not be able to just take her wherever we wanted to go or the emotional baggage that comes with a fully grown elderly human being. We had to change our way of thinking from, "Ma Crow is here for rapid recovery." and, "We run the show." to, "What is best for us all as a family." In the spiritual life, your path to God can seem like a shadow or like you are looking at the road through a veil. We will never see clearly until the day we meet Him face to face. There will always be some sort of haze because of our concupiscence. The wonderful gifts that help us clear the haze a bit are Confession, Mass and mental prayer. I have to say, when I can’t get to daily Mass or confession as often as I'd like, mental prayer is such a saving grace for me. The constant dialogue of, “Help me Jesus!”, “What do you want from me?!”, and, “Have mercy on me!”, keeps me coming back to Him over and over.

     After Ma Crow left our home, we knew God was calling us to a time of heavy discernment. There were things we realized that we wanted in our life, and taking care of Ma Crow helped us to realize that. Times of discernment seem especially shadowy though, don't they? The waters always seem murky when trying to find a clear answer, and as you try and push away the shadowy reflection, it just becomes more distorted. The questions arise of what to do, for how long, in what way and how do we get there? I am already a very methodical person and plan a journey meticulously before stepping out the door (can you say Bilbo Baggins?) But, with the things of God you can not do that. It really is an adventure and I do not like adventure because of my natural tendency toward fear. I love how God wants to release me from my fears, though there are many.

     I should have known that this is THE reason God wanted me to marry JJ! Since from the start of our marriage it has been an adventure. For our honeymoon, JJ and I went on a road trip up north. We had no map to get us there. We just knew we could take PCH and get to our destination eventually. A simple 4 1/2 hour drive turned into a 7 hour excursion with wrong turns, gas station directions, sightseeing, back roads and Hershey Kisses raining in our car (literally!). It was an adventure, but there was a safety and security there. I was not worried when we would get to check into our hotel; I was a joy filled beaming new bride. I am guessing the grace of the sacrament had a lot to do with that. The point is that I trusted and did not have fear; even though the way was not certain.

     Now, God is asking me trust Him in the same way I did then. Through much discussion, prayer and discernment, JJ and I have decided to pursue adoption through foster care. There are so many things I have to say about this decision. There has been so much peace given us about this decision, even though we know what heart ache could and will await us. We are ready. We are ready to open our lives up to a child who needs us, whether that be for a limited time or their whole life. We are not saints; we are simply answering a call. We know that we will have struggles and believe me, there are so many things about this process that are illogical and quite frankly, stupid. But, I am willing to submit to the call that God has laid out before us. We have gone to our initial classes, done finger printing, finished our application and will have our initial home inspection this upcoming week! We are so excited and are trying to enjoy the process and journey as much as possible before the real work of parenting starts.

     So, big news huh?! WAIT, there's more!

     We are also picking up where we left off with our NaPro Dr., in hopes of trying to conceive again. I underwent some initial testing to get a baseline of where I am at. I had an u/s that indicated LUFS was still an issue. This time she saw it on my right ovary, but my left ovary looked as if it could have ovulated, though she could not confirm. So, we now have a plan from our NaPro Dr. that we will follow in hopes of trying to conceive. Again, there was so much discussion and prayer between JJ, myself and our spiritual director that went into this decision. God has given me so much peace about this process. I do not feel like I am beating a dead horse with going back to NaPro. I actually feel hope and determination; no matter what happens. As our NaPro Dr. was laying out the cycle plan to me with ultrasounds and blood tests, I chuckled and said, “Oh, I remember this.” She replied, “Are you ready for this?” My answer was simply, “Yes, with God’s peace, I am ready.” If my NaPro Dr. is not ready to give up on us and she has hope, then I am not ready to give up. I trust her judgement and I know she would tell me if she didn’t think it was possible. So our new cycle plan will start next cycle!   

     We are ready. Ready to submit to the call that God has laid out before us. We are, "Opening wide the doors to Christ.” There is a peace and fortitude that is pushing me along that I did not feel was there beforehand. I felt like I had peace, but I was still afraid of God’s answer. I am no longer afraid of what will or won’t be His plan. I just want what is His plan. As we move forward on this journey of two huge and time consuming ways to grow our family, we would appreciate any prayers on our behalf. We are already praying for our children and how they will come to us. We are especially praying for those children and families we will encounter in the foster care system. As Mother Luisita* would say, “Adelante (onward)!” We keep moving forward trusting in God and knowing His will for us is better than our own.

     *Venerable Mother Luisita was the foundress of the Carmelite Sisters of the Most Sacred Heart here in Los Angeles. You can find out more about her here.  

Fruitful Redemption: Spiritual Helps for the Infertile Catholic

    A couple of weeks ago, I awoke one morning to the promptings of my guardian angel reminding me to read an article that was brought to my attention the day before. It was on the "spiritual test" for those suffering with infertility. To say that the article lacked any consolation and comfort would be a huge understatement. So, armed with coffee in hand and some of my favorite music on, I am going to write what I feel and know to be a more comprehensive, compassionate and truthful perspective on the spiritual side of infertility for Catholics. The original article can be found here at US Catholic. There is mention of Catholic couples doing ART and IVF, so be warned. Now, I am no theologian but I have been told by various priests, who have a passion for the theology of marriage and family, that I have a knack for understanding Church teaching in this regard. I will be pointing out what the Catechism of the Catholic Church states about the subject of infertility; which the article failed to do.

   So, let's get down to the basics; first on what the Church says about infertility and couples who struggle with this cross. In the Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) it states:
  
   "Couples who discover that they are sterile suffer greatly....Research aimed at reducing human sterility is to be encouraged, on condition that it is placed 'at the service of the human person,'...
Techniques that entail the dissociation of husband and wife, by the intrusion of a person other than the couple are gravely immoral. Techniques involving only the married couple (homologous artificial insemination and fertilization) are perhaps less reprehensible, yet remain morally unacceptable. They dissociate the sexual act from the procreative act." (Excerpts from CCC #2374-2377)

   In summary, using artificial reproductive technologies that separate the marital act of the spouses is a no-no; such are IVF and surrogacy. The CCC goes on to say:

   "A child is not something owed to one, but is a gift...A child may not be considered a piece of property, an idea to which an alleged 'right to a child' would lead." (CCC #2378)
  
   This paragraph always digs into my heart as I realize that a child is a gift and for some reason I am not receiving that gift. This is where it can feel like the Church is turning you away if you are infertile. But wait, there is more:

   "The Gospel shows that physical sterility is not an absolute evil. Spouses who suffer from infertility after exhausting legitimate medical procedures should unite themselves with the Lord's Cross, the source of all spiritual fecundity. They can give expression to their generosity by adopting abandoned children or performing demanding services for others." (CCC #2379)
  
   Now, this can seem like a cop out from the Church and just a consolation prize to some. I can see how a person could take it that way, but the suffering that you endure from infertility can actually be such a source of fruitfulness that you could have never imagined; a spiritual fruitfulness that you may not have received if your path were easier in this regard.

   The Church is not condoning the use of whatever means necessary to make you happy nor is the Church leaving those living with infertility out in the cold. As someone who has been living with infertility for 7+ years, there have been many low valleys that I have been through. Like other couples, I have questioned the existence of God, asked why is God punishing me, tried to do penance for past sins so I can get what I want and prayed many novenas in order to bug God so much that He just gives into my desires. I have cried like Hannah while pouring my heart out to God and have shaken my fist at Him until my arm almost fell off.

   I would like to say a word about redemptive suffering here. Your suffering has purpose; even if it is just to remind you that you were made for more than this life. You were made for Heaven. When you are suffering, it is a good reminder that God wants to draw close to you. You can not run away from the way in which you are to be sanctified. You just can't. Believe me, I have tried. I have learned that the suffering I experience here on earth can be used for a greater purpose; for example, to pray for others in need. The very fact that I am willing to use my suffering to bring about good, unites me with Christ more closely; as He brought about salvation through His suffering. Now, none of us are going to bring about salvation for the whole world because that is found in Christ's perfect sacrifice, but we can imitate Him and unite ourselves with Him; thereby making our prayers more powerful. Through infertility and miscarriage I have drawn close to God in a way that I do not think I would have otherwise. For that, I am thankful. No, I am not thankful for losing our child; I am thankful that God brought about good through this soul wrenching suffering.

   There are so many peaks and valleys that we have in our spiritual lives, but those living with infertility (whether primary or secondary) can often experience the valleys more often than the peaks. This goes to the fact that infertility is a deep spiritual suffering that happens at the core of your being. Part of being human and Catholic is to pro-create and raise up the next generation; us infertile people can't do that in the traditional sense. So often times infertility can make one feel less than human or less masculine or feminine. Spiritual suffering is extremely debilitating, since it deals with not just our relationship with ourselves and others, but it deals with our relationship with our Creator. Our relationship with God our Father and Creator is the most important one of our lives and when we are hearing a repeated "No" to this very strong, beautiful and natural desire for children, it is a crushing blow to that relationship. This can give us a skewed view on who God is and we have to confront our false ideas about God.

   Infertility makes you confront the Creator vs. creature relationship that often times people have not dealt with before, unless they have dealt with past deep suffering. Infertility is an area of suffering where you realize you ultimately do not have control. Even though your desire is a holy and noble one, there are no amount of Hail Mary's that can change the will of God for your life; though there are an infinite amount of Hail Mary's that can change YOU.  So I would like to lay out some spiritual advice and help for those living with infertility.


   1. Your feelings are a good indicator on what is going on inside. Do not ignore the feelings in hopes that they will go away or just be fleeting like other feelings. These feelings of sadness, shame and anger due to infertility will not go away. These feelings are valid! I have heard from women who have crossed over and have adopted, are fostering or got pregnant and carried to term that these feelings still linger. Sometimes, they may linger your whole life. Confront the feelings in prayer, therapy and Reconciliation. I suggest all three of these strategies because it is best to care for the whole person when you are dealing with such suffering.

   2. Work on your relationship with God. Simply put, fall in love with God. This may be very difficult because you are pissed at Him for this infertility business, but HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH. He wants to lavish you in His love and suffer with you, for you are His beloved. Read scripture, in particular for women, read Isaiah 62:1-5. This scripture always reminds me that God will not let me go and He will continue fighting for me until I take my last breath. Pray the stations of the Cross or the sorrowful mysteries of the rosary so that you can walk with Christ in mutual suffering. When we suffer with someone, we grow closer to them and this suffering can actually aid in our relationship with God. Deepen your prayer life and conversation with God. Don't hold back your hurt because He wants to know all about you; even the wounds we try and hide.

   3. Cling to the Sacraments of Confession and The Eucharist. This will help you to realize that, even though you are validly suffering greatly, it does not give you license to sin. There have been so many times where my confessor has stopped me and made me realize that I am taking my pain out on others, especially my husband! Confess those sins or talk about the temptation to do IVF and illicit ART treatments. Chances are, the priest has heard it all! At Mass I started to say prayers of thanksgiving after Communion instead of asking God for what I want. Before Communion, I petition Jesus and after, I just thank Him. Sometimes it has been difficult to say "Thank you Jesus" when I am on the verge of sobbing over another cycle day 1. This has helped me to have a more grateful attitude and perspective for what I do have. It reminds me that God is on my side no matter what, and for that I am truly thankful. My confessor also suggested that if I pray a novena, to pray the same novena over again in thanksgiving, no matter what the outcome. I do have to say I am praying less novenas now, but making the ones I do pray more purposeful.

   4. Seek spiritual counsel. Spiritual direction can be such a great resource if you are discerning adoption, foster care, medical treatments or childless living. Now, this one may take some time, since it is hard to find a spiritual director; let alone one that is a right fit for you. I recommend a priest or religious sister if you can find one, but a trusted person who is faithful to the teachings of the Church would be sufficient as well. You may have to try out a few different ones if you are not comfortable after a couple meetings. You should trust the person and their advice should be tailored to your particular spiritual dilemma; not just a generalization. Not many priests are versed in pastoral care for infertility, but they at least need to be compassionate. I had to go through a few different priests before I found my regular confessor who is a trustworthy priest that has compassion toward my situation. Remember though, the role of the spiritual director is not your counselor or therapist. Do not put that responsibility on them. The role of the SD is to help guide you through your spiritual life and discernment. Do not expect them to give you all the answers if you are not putting work into your prayer life.

   5. Fall deeper in love with your spouse. How can this help you with the spiritual suffering of infertility? Our spouse can be a great consolation from God while living with infertility. Take part in the marital embrace and not just during the times where you are trying to conceive, but other times as well. Initiate that spiritual and physical bond between the two of you that is only shared between you alone. Now, I understand that couples living with infertility are often wounded when it comes to the marital embrace because it has not produced the fruit that they were hoping for, but now is the time to work on this wound. Seek therapy for this issue if need be so that you can find healing in this area.
Another way you can deepen your relationship with your spouse is through prayer; so pray with one another. A homework assignment I gave to one of my infertile couples recently was to write down 10 ways that they are fruitful in their marriage; not having anything to do with children. Write down and acknowledge what you as a couple bring to the table and how you can you use those gifts to build up the Kingdom of God. You will be surprised to find that so many blessings get overlooked!


   So there you have it. Five ways to combat the spiritual difficulties that come with infertility, all the while staying faithful to the Church's teachings. I am not an expert, well maybe I am, but I still struggle. I have my moments, even after 7+ years. I know there are women who have dealt with this for much longer and have stayed faithful to the Church, so I know it is not impossible. This is not a fix all list either where you do all of this and magically you will feel better about being infertile. I don't know anyone who feels good about being infertile but I do know people who have been given peace. I hope this is helpful to all the Catholic couples living with infertility and if you have any suggestions that help with the spiritual side of infertility, please, do share!

Letting Go of "The Precious"

For all of you Lord of the Rings geeks out there, you know what I am talking about when you read the title. For all of you non cool people out there who don't know much about The Hobbit or the Lord of the Rings series, I will break it down for you. There is a ring that is very powerful that everyone wants so that they can be all powerful and in control. The catch is the ring makes you go cray cray because your desire for it drives you mad and you turn inward instead of using the power of the ring to do what is good for all. The ring is referred to as "my precious" to the person who wishes to possess it and it becomes an idol. The ring brings out the worst part of the characters, but for some reason, Hobbits are immune to the ring's evil powers for a longer period of time than other creatures. Perhaps that is because Hobbits are simple creatures who are happy and content with their lives. They are not overly superficial, but they love to have fun and joke around. They work when they need to work, play when they need to play, rest when they need to rest and eat when the need eat. Actually, their eating habits may be out of control... Anyway so back to my point. Hobbits lead a well ordered life; which is their main endearing quality. I always feel that I am part hobbit because I love my quiet time and my little hobbit hole, plus I eat about 6 times a day!

Why am I bringing up Hobbits and a magical ring? Well, we all have something or someone that we consider precious; it may even be an ideal that you consider precious. It's something you hold on so tight to that the thought of letting it go seems so unbearable it would make you go crazy and you are not even sure you could really let it go. It may be that job you really want, the idea of being married but you are still single, financial wealth, being seen as perfect or it can even be your own children. For me, "my precious" is getting pregnant again and adopting. Yup, I want both. There have been times where I feel like I can totally trust God with our family and feel the peace of "God's timing" and all that. Then, there have been times where I feel so sorrowful and want to control the situation where I feel like I would try any amount of summersaults to get pregnant. The original desire is good, but because of my human nature and concupiscence, I distort this desire. I want to control it and make it happen instead of trusting God completely with this desire or "precious."

Over these many years of infertility I have been working on letting "my precious" go. This past year, that was a huge theme in my life and I finally started to feel comfortable and HAPPY in my current situation. Therapy has been a huge part of that process for me. I have recently discovered that JJ's "precious" is his mother, Ma Crow. I don't want to get too much into JJ's story, for that is his to tell when he is ready. Just like infertility has been such a cross for me to bear, JJ's cross has been seeing his mother in such need and knowing he can not heal her instantly.  I have never seen my husband struggle so much internally and spiritually. I have known him for fifteen years and in that time he has always been the constant, quiet and steady man of faith. I could see how letting go of Ma Crow and trusting God completely with her healing would be difficult (understatement) because if this were my mother, I would be the same way.

Now the part of the journey is going to get harder since Ma Crow will be leaving our home this upcoming week and going to live with my SIL for a few months. She is over an hour away and it will be a difficult transition for JJ and for myself. We will not get to see her everyday. We will probably see her every other weekend. That is such a drastic change! JJ has to go back to work at the beginning of February and my client load is growing rapidly again, so we can no longer be her 24/7 care takers. It was so sad coming to this reality and having to have the conversation with Ma Crow. We all cried and have been a bit mopey since then.

Ma Crow has become so very precious and important to me in these last 6 months, especially since her stroke, and even more so these past 8 weeks that she has been living with us. The thing is, it is not in the same way as the "precious" would be. For some reason, God is giving me peace about the whole situation; maybe because I have been through this process of letting go of something and someone so dear to me. For JJ, this is his mother, the woman who gave birth to him, nursed him, bathed him and held him when he cried. The woman who gave him advice on what to do as an adult and told him what kind of woman to marry. He has always been able to shoot the breeze with her while having a cup of coffee and understand her because they are so alike. When he started earning money on his own as an adult he used to buy her flowers once in awhile just to make sure she felt special. Now, because of the stroke, most of the times she forgets things that just happened. Sometimes she does not understand what he is trying to say or she is not present because her brain is trying to figure something out. She is different from who she was before the stroke. Since JJ has known her all his life, his experience is totally different from mine.

A friend asked me the other day "I know you love your MIL, but do you like her?" My answer was a very hearty yes! Since her and JJ have both the same primary and secondary temperaments, I really like being around her. We even did the 200 temperament question with her just to confirm our suspicions about her temperament. She is a bit too much of a smart ass for me at times, but then again, so is JJ. I love that she reminds me of Minnesota and the cordiality of the Midwest. She is not haughty, but very down to earth. Plus, she is practical, simple and does not like extravagant things. All of these qualities that I fell in love with about JJ, I have learned, come from his mother. I did not think I could even last a month with her living with us and now I can not imagine her not being here. This is not to say that this has not been difficult all around; on our marriage especially. It has not been sunshine and rainbows. We have been impatient with one another and have seen each other's ugly side. Ma Crow, JJ and I have definitely had some intense arguments, but we have worked through it all together.

I have gotten to know my mother in law in ways that most daughters in law never get to. I have gotten to care for her in such a close, personal and downright awkward way. I can't imagine what it feels like for her to have her daughter in law help bathe her, clothe her and even inspect her poop! What a gift and privilege it has been for me to care for her! She has taught me so much, but the biggest lesson I have learned is that motherhood is not as scary as I think it is. Our relationship is not the normal cordial one you have with in laws where you share a common love for this person you are connected to. Now, we share a common love for one another, and not the gushy love, but the real love where you have seen the person's flaws and weaknesses and still choose to love them.

I am going to miss her being in our home, even in as close a quarters as we have lived. I will miss her daily wise cracks and her saying, "Thank God she did not become a Carmelite Jack, or we would not be eating so well" or, "Thank you for the gift of self." I will miss her and JJ cracking up about something while I am cooking in the kitchen. I will miss her saying "Tien cuidado", every time I go to leave for work. I know I will still get to see her and talk to her, but it won't be as much as it has been. I was talking with a friend on how hard this will be for JJ and she said, "Well you guys can't hog all the blessings. Since she has been such a blessing to you, maybe God wants to bless the other family members with spending more time with her." That is so true for us to remember; we are not the only ones who can care for her or who want to care for her! It is not all about what is best for us, it is what is best for all involved at this time.

I have learned that by letting go of "my precious" it is a continual letting go. As we loosen the grip on what we want to control we can grasp on to the hem of Jesus' garment more. As we let go, we are more free to love and give of ourselves as a self gift to whomever is before us. This week is going to be a tough one as we will be going to my SIL's to transition Ma Crow. We have to trust that God has the timeline for her healing in control. JJ has to let go of his "precious" and I need to support him through this. I need to be his Samwise Gamgee right now. Please pray for us all during this transition, especially pray for peace, Ma Crow's healing and my SIL and her family as they welcome Ma Crow into their home.

When They Say.....We Think.....

*Let me preface this post by saying I think all mothers need a break at times and they need to vent about how hard it is to raise their children. I do not think mothers need to shut up and not talk about their children or suffer in silence about their struggles. I think it's good and healthy for them to do so and I love hearing about my friend's and family's kids. Most of the time I am fine with hearing the milestones and a little venting from my friends about their children. As a friend I want to share the joys and sorrows with them in their state in life. 

So the other day I went to women's group and the topic was gentleness. At this group children are allowed so a lot of stay at home or part time working outside the home moms bring their kids. It's great because the children are playing outside in a courtyard as the rest of us are drinking tea and discussing/reading about the day's topic. There is of course a bit of chaos as to be expected with lots of children around :) At each meeting I have attended I am usually a little more on edge afterward and JJ has noticed this. Most of the women who go are mothers raising children, there have been older women and a single woman who have come before but then haven't returned. I love when other women come to the meetings because it balances out the perspective I think. When it's all mothers raising children and me, that's when it's a bad combination and that is when I come home frazzled. 

At this particular meeting there was a lot of venting about one's children, more than normal. It felt like the entire first half of the meeting was different women venting about their children and how hard it is to raise their children. It may have been only 10mins. but it felt like so long and the silence in my heart was deafening. As these women were complaining about lack of silence I thought "All I have is silence. A deafening one that resounds from my womb." As they complained about the chaos I thought "All I have is order and no one but JJ and I to make our house messy." As they complained about not having alone time I thought "All I have when I am not at work, volunteering, out with friends or with JJ is alone time." When they complained about children jumping on them whenever they got on the phone or on the computer I thought "there is no one to interrupt me or climb all over me as I make a phone call."  There was even a point where someone mentioned "the moms should all get together for an Advent reflection with out the kids." Ouch it stung and what I thought was "I am always with out my kid." 

As they questioned and discussed their decisions about being a stay at home mom I just sat there in silence having nothing to say, well nothing to say that would've been appropriate for the children to hear ;) I don't get what they are going through and I may never get it. I tried to be compassionate and listen to their struggles all the while I just wanted to scream. I wanted to say "hey can you just stop talking about this" but I couldn't. There was no where for me to go to excuse myself either. I just sat there, the silence from my childlessness was so loud I thought they would hear it but they didn't. 

I have to say I was probably extra sensitive at this meeting because AF is just around the corner, we just got some medical news that reaffirms the brokenness of my body and Cecilia's due date anniversary was on Fri. Sept. 12th (she would've been two). I didn't share any of this at the meeting because I am not comfortable enough with all of the women there to do so and I just couldn't after all the venting/complaining. It would have sent me over the edge so I just kept my mouth shut. I also don't want it to seem like these women are monsters who were torturing me w/ a lot of talk of raising a family, it wasn't like that at all! 

After the meeting when JJ got home from work he asked how it went and I just let the flood gates open. I told him through my sobs what had happened and he affirmed what I had been thinking for a month or so, that I should not go back to the women's group for now. Maybe someday but maybe it's just not the place for me. If there was more variety like single women, married and widowed then maybe I would go back. The time of the group is more conducive to SAHMs and I was able to go because my CrMS work schedule is so flexible. I think a big reason that it is so difficult to be there is the fact that we are at a standstill with adoption, have no idea if we should reconsider foster care and we have not conceived since Cecilia almost 3 years ago! I think the unknowing state is particularly hard, if we were in the process of adoption or foster care I could feel better about going to these meetings. 

The next day I prayed for all the women who go to the group at Mass that God would help them in their vocation and state in life.  I wanted to make sure I harbored no ill will toward them and I don't, we are just at different places and it is more of a moms group. I don't want them to feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me because I know it is a very needed group for them but I don't think it would be healthy for me at this point to go. They should be able to freely talk about their struggles in a supportive environment. I think the greatest support I can give them right now are my prayers. I am sad about it because I met some great women there who I would only see in the context of the group. I know if a friendship is suppose to happen with them God will make it happen.  I sent an email to the leader who is also a friend of mine letting her know I wouldn't be returning and why, that was so hard to do. I got to talk to her about it over the phone and explain a little more which I think helped. She didn't criticize me or make me feel guilty she just listened compassionately and tried to understand. I do hope I can go back to the group some day perhaps when my vision is a little more clear about my motherhood. 

John 12:24

We all don't like to get unsolicited advice from people especially if we just spent time pouring our heart out to them. While I was in Alabama I asked for some advice from a woman named G who has been married about 20yrs. and they were never able to have children of their own. They got married when they were in their early forties and knew that they might not have children, even knowing this they were still disappointed. I asked her "how do you do it? How do you live or start to live your life knowing that children won't be a part of it the way you had hoped?" G explained to me that she didn't get too wrapped up in the disappointment or TTC she just lived her life with her husband. She said she poured her maternal instincts into her nieces, nephews, godchildren and children that God put before her to take care of. They never looked into foster care or adoption because it didn't really cross their mind. G told me to not give up hope that I will be a mother to a child here on earth someday and that it's all in God's hands and His timing. G told me to love my goddaughter and get to know her more, to pour my maternal instincts into loving her. Overall I left the conversation with G feeling very blessed and refreshed in hope!

Another scenario that happened while I was in AL was a woman who I have known since I was a teenager showed me a picture of someone I had gone to youth group with, in the picture she was holding her healthy baby that looked about 6months old. This woman knows our struggle very well and I asked why she was showing me this picture especially since the woman in the picture was not really a friend. She asked if I knew that the Drs. told the mother that the baby was not developing properly and would need surgery upon delivery if the baby had survived. She said they had a lot of people praying for the baby and when the baby was born she was fine, no surgery needed. I said I had known the story, puzzled the woman asked if something was wrong. Due to my post peak PMS bravery I told her that it is so hard sometimes to see pictures and hear stories of "miracle" babies when we don't know if that will ever happen for us. We don't know if God is promising us children now or in the future, that is what we are trying to discern. She seemed taken aback by my honesty and still confused as to why I would not find this story comforting. Believe me I am happy for this woman and that her baby is healthy but I left this conversation feeling like I was broken.

I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me because of IF but I do want to inform people that IF is no easy road where it is just peaches and sunshine as you wait and trust in God. The encouragement that they are trying to give you can call attention to the wound when you were not even thinking about it or leave you feeling like you are not doing enough. IF is a fight, a wrestling, a struggle, an inner war and an uphill battle as you try and make sense of the situation and then on top of that to try to follow God's will. You can't just wish or pray your IF away, which is super frustrating because believe me I have tried! Even if a beautiful healthy pregnancy occurs or an adoption takes place it does not magically make you "fixed" now or give you joy. Will you be happy? Of course, but it will not erase the pain that you endured and could still endure from the years of IF and/or miscarriage.

Now I have heard these lines of encouragement from people many times before "it's all in God's timing" or "its not God's will yet" or"you should relax and go on vacation, that's when it will happen" or "it will happen for you I just know it" and it would always frustrate me because I thought that the person didn't understand what I was trying to say, they didn't understand the pain and hurt I was in. So I would always brush off their advice or words of "encouragement" I would especially brush them off if they had children and had not gone through IF or miscarriage. It is very easy to dismiss those who "just don't understand." A lot of the times I would hold bitterness in my heart about their comments and warn myself never to share our struggles with those people again. It is very easy to turn inward and become bitter from IF and miscarriage.

Oh miscarriage, it.is.so.hard and I feel like my life changed forever the day that I started to miscarry. I no longer looked at our journey with a wave of hope, instead I saw a wave of disappointment that would continue for quite some time. I turned inward and started to guard my heart even closer, closing myself off from forming new or closer bonds with friends w/children or staying away from babies as much as possible. Part of this was a natural part of grief and part of it was self-pity. I turned inward in grief only revealing my true feelings to God alone, I barely started sharing some of these details with JJ. Then while in AL God gave me a glorious opportunity to share my heart with my husband. I let him in on the pain I experienced last year, he knew most of it but there was still stuff I was holding back. God convicted me while I was in AL of self-pity and many other things. It was such a wonderful release to lay it all down with Jesus and allow Him to start to heal those wounds from losing Cecilia. God did a wonderful thing to start to heal my motherly heart that was in so much pain.

I started to feel guilty about all the thoughts and feelings I had last year and then I realized that it was all part of a necessary process. It was all part of the process of grief. The day we were leaving for AL we got to have a private Mass in our Carmelite friars private chapel w/ one of the priests that was going with us. The Mass was at 3:30am as we had to be at the airport by 5am, so God gave us the grace to wake up for it. It was such a beautiful Mass and my Carmelite heart was so happy! This line from the gospel for that morning was very poignant for me and it kind of became my theme for the trip:

"Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit." John 12:24

It's kind of cryptic I know, but it really stood out to me, unless I die I will not produce fruit. Does that mean physically die? What do I need to give up? This got me thinking and journaling about this gospel verse. During one of my holy hours in AL I let my mind wonder on this subject...

I certainly felt like I died last year when we miscarried and JJ had his horrible accident at work. I felt like God was stripping everything that I loved away and I felt like death was ever before me. As a melancholic I think I am going to die all the time or the people I love most will. The gloomy outlook is something I am used to dealing with but last year was something different, death became really real. I always knew that my family, friends and I would die someday but suddenly my life became a real journey toward one end, heaven. To get to heaven we must die. Sorry to make this post so morbid it gets better I promise!

I started to think of this pang that I feel in my heart from IF and losing Cecilia. It gets better where you don't always think about it but it is still there always, like chronic pain you learn to live with. Then I thought this is kind of like the stigmata that some of the saints had. Now I am not comparing myself to some great saint but it reminded me that those saints had this special painful thing about them that kept them in constant union with Christ and His sufferings. This pain allowed them to constantly remember that their ultimate goal was Heaven and their life was naturally ordered toward Christ.

Then I realized that I would rather go to Heaven than have children. Not that children are evil or anything like that but that I need to NOT make children an idol before God. I need to stop turning inward and start turning outward toward others especially JJ. I need to not hold back love from humanity by saving it for my children that are not even here yet or my child who is not here on earth. I need to open up my heart more to those around me, keeping some boundaries obviously. I need to not just brush off people who are fertile or don't understand me. I need to not think my pain and cross are bigger and heavier than everybody else's. I need to realize that infertility and PCOS are just medical diagnoses I have, they are NOT who I am. All in all I just need to get over myself! This is not to say that I will be happy go lucky and the ever optimist, that's just not me or that the pains of IF will not effect me anymore. It is to say that I don't want to just remain a "grain of wheat" anymore I want God to take me to places I never thought possible. I am ready to bear some fruit  ;)

I will leave you with a song that has been my theme song this summer. It is kind of long but well worth the listen.  

Open to Life...

Alright y'all you knew this was coming, I am a little late but in honor of NFP awareness week I wanted to write some post about Natural Family Planning! First off I have to say I dislike the name NFP but I use it because no one has come up with anything better. I would rather use a phrase like fertility awareness or pro-life fertility care or something along those lines. Since there is not a better name for it I will just call it NFP, for now ;)  This lovely blogger Amy wrote a wonderfully wise post on this subject awhile back. Some of my sentiments for the name come from my thoughts about how uncomfortable I am with the way NFP is touted among some circles as the most important Church teaching or every Catholic couple must use NFP at some point in their marriage or you are required to chart some NFP method before you get married. Don't get me wrong I think a proper catechesis about marriage and family needs to be required for marriage prep. and I highly recommend charting an NFP method before you get married. This catechisis would include the Church's teaching on human sexuality and why the Church does not condone the use of contraceptives. So as you can see I am not against NFP I just think it is secondary to the real issue which is proper catechisis! 

I think the "planning" in NFP has not worked out for us. If it were up to us we would have at least two children by now, so our "planning" with NFP hasn't worked out. I think by using the word planning we have given a false sense to couples that they have complete control over their fertility at least that is the way some NFP promoters make it sound, which makes NFP sound like the "catholic contraception." This is not just in my head ya know, I once had a fellow parishioner call me because she wanted to help out with NFP ministry. She met with me so I could get a feel for where she was at. I came to learn that she thought NFP meant that you just don't use hormonal contraceptives but you could still use a condom and withdrawal. Her point of view was that her and her husband can do whatever they want because they were planning their family naturally by not using hormonal contraceptives. Needless to say she did not end up helping with the ministry after our meeting but I did dialogue with her and gave her a proper catechisis. I encouraged her to learn an NFP method but she said her husband wouldn't be open to it. I have come across many couples who have this misconception.  

I want to give some background on my journey with NFP. I first heard of the Catholic Church's teaching against contraception when I was a junior in HS. Before that I knew I was against abortion from a very young age. I had a teacher Ms. K in jr. high that really shaped my opinion about how wrong abortion was, she was one of those "crazy" pro-lifers that went to pray in front of an abortion clinic every week. To this day I am so thankful for her witness to me and letting me turn my simple 6th grade persuasion/advertisement speech into an anti-abortion speech. I could tell as the rest of my peers were trying to sell a new product with their speeches that they didn't get what I was saying.

 Alas I was ahead of my time but I remember feeling so convicted and strongly from a very young age that abortion was wrong even though in HS and college my education and teachers tried to persuade me otherwise. I didn't really have an opinion that contraception was wrong at the time because I didn't really think about it to be honest. My thought process was something like "sex with a condom or having to take a pill would be too annoying, doesn't seem very romantic and I am too lazy to do that so I should wait to have sex until I am married because I could get pregnant" Yup that was me a lazy teenager but there is some truth in my thinking. Sex = babies and you should not have to put on armory physically or emotionally to have sex! There should be no "safe sex" because sex in its original state does not need protection, we should not need protection from sex! We do not need to protect ourselves from babies, they need our protection! 

So you're probably wondering why I am bringing up abortion when this post is suppose to be about NFP, right? Well abortion and contraception go hand in hand. It is no coincidence that the folks at planned parenthood thought it would be great business to offer these services together. If contraception doesn't work in preventing pregnancy then abortion is your next option, just step into the room next door and they'll take care of that for you. Now this connection centers around the principal of avoiding a pregnancy at any cost. We as a society have lost respect for women, children, men and families all together. We think that having the freedom to be with whomever, wherever and whenever makes us a free society not tied down like our great grandparents were to marriage and family. Oh yes they were very tied down with a steady job, income and a stable home with a mom and dad! Nobody wants that anymore, right? 

We think all this sex education will make us wiser and happier adults because we know better than our great grandparents and they were such old fashioned thinkers. Well I know plenty of people with this mentality that are not wiser or happier adults, some of them are my clients! Yes, some of my clients have used contraception before and now I am trying to help them figure out and repair their fertility. I see the damage that contraception does to a person and marriages as I see some of my clients who are heart broken that they ever brought it into their marriage. They grieve for the time lost with their spouse and they are now trying to heal and repair their marriages as well as their bodies from the damage of all those artificial hormones that those contraceptives were pumping into their bodies for years! 

Now let's get down to the basics of sex education through the lens of the Catholic Church. There is a procreative and unitive aspect to the sexual act so says the Church (CCC 1604, 2363). Since there are two aspects to every sexual act you can not separate the two, it is unnatural. Also, why would you want to separate them? Really think about that, why would anyone want to separate the "fidelity and fecundity" from sex? Is it because we are selfish? Is it because we have too much pride in thinking that we can act and do whatever we want? Do we think we have a right to sex? When a husband and wife come together they are expressing a self gift to one another! Why on earth would I only want part of the gift and not the whole thing? Do you want half a Christmas present? Do you only want half of your birthday presents or wedding gifts? No of course not, you want the whole thing! So why would you not want all of your spouse including their fertility.

 Why is infertility so heartbreaking if fecundity(fertility) is no big deal and it secondary to physical pleasure?! It is becasue our fertility IS a big deal, it is part of who we are! Fertility is not an afterthought of sex, it is part of it! The most heartbreaking thing about infertility to me has been the fact that the fertility that I give to my husband in each marital imbrace is broken. The fact that my husband takes my broken self-gift and gives the gift of himself to me in return has been the most humbling, beautiful and healing experience about infertility! It brings me to tears that my husband would accept my whole self, PCOS and all!

I have only come to realize this through NFP and recognizing that yes even my broken fertility is a gift. Charting my cycles and learning about how screwed up my body is was not easy at first. It was tough to face the reality that something was wrong. I have to say that it was awesome to have my husband charting and learning with me so that he could also see what was going on, it also gave me a huge sense of support and comfort in knowing that I was not on this journey alone. At first it was awkward for him to ask me what signs I saw that day but after awhile we got more comfortable with it. We learned how to communicate about the most intimate part of ourselves, our fertility and with that came a deeper respect and love for one another. It was those very same NFP charts that I took to several Drs. to figure out what was wrong and they all said that I needed to take the pill and all would be fine after that. Knowing that the pill was bad news for me physically and not good for our marriage we declined that offer but they offered no help after that other than a standard blood test and one random ultrasound. When I found a Dr. who actually took my fertility seriously and looked at my charts and said there was something wrong, NFP became more than just a way to "plan" out my family. From that point on NFP became health care! It became a way to track my fertility and let my Dr. know what these biological markers were pointing to.

NFP has saved my life in so many ways as far as getting to the bottom of my health issues but also giving me a strong marriage. Ask anyone who know us and they will say JJ and I are truly one. I feel part of that is due to our expereince with NFP. It has given us a knowledge about one another that we would have not had without it and it has broken down communication barriers that we have had. If I can talk to my husband about my cervical mucus, I can talk to him about anything! I know that sounds so embarrassing, but it is true! 

When couples are using NFP whether to achieve or postpone a pregnancy there is a general saying that they are "open to life." This means that they are not using contracepives and that they are open to the possibility of new life even if they are trying to avoid/postpone a pregnancy. For me as a woman dealing with infertility my view on NFP and call to be open to life looks very different from those who do not have any fertility problems. Me being open to life means to accept whatever may happen with each cycle. There have been plenty of times where I have told God and JJ that I want my whole reporductive system taken out because getting my period each month hurts physically, spititually and emotionally but, that would make me not open to life. My call to be open to life means to accept this cross and hope that God will make me bear fruit in however He sees fit. Open to life means that there is a possibility of never conceiving again or being receptive to the slim chance that we might. For me being open to life means giving God my hopes, dreams and desires every cycle and asking Him to do with it what He will. Open to life means remembering that God is the ultimate giver of human life, not me! Open to life means giving God my Fiat every day but more specifically every cycle. 

If you would like more info. on NFP or Church teaching please contact me! I love to talk about this stuff and hear about other people's experience with NFP. 

*CCC means Catechism of the Catholic Church which is a collection of official Church teachings. Go look it up! 

Because of Infertility...

I have been thinking about how this journey of subfertility has changed my life to something I would not have ever recognized or foreseen for myself when I first got married back in 2007. Our first year of marriage we used NFP to postpone a pregnancy, although my "fertile" phase was during our honeymoon and I secretly wished for a honeymoon baby. There are so many things that have happened to me because of subfertility some good and some not so good. My post will be in a list type form so all you grammar pros excuse the sentence structure.

Because of infertility...I have cried more tears than I ever had in my whole life! I am not usually a crier, especially in public but there have been times that I have not been able to control it. I cry during Mass especially during the Creed since our miscarriage. I don't cry every time but once in awhile it hits me like a ton of bricks!

Because of infertility...I have lost friends. Now you would think that our friends would rally around us and support us during this time which most of them have and I am very grateful for them. There have been some friends that have not been able to deal with me needing them to be there for me once in awhile. I remember talking to one of my "good" friends and letting her know how much I needed her to be there because I was hurting so much from our infertility. I'd love to say she tried to understand and has been there for me every step of the way but she hasn't. After that conversation she freezed me out of her life for over a year despite me trying to get in contact with her. That was so hard to deal with on top of dealing with infertility. It took a lot of prayer and confession to let that go and let that friend go. I do not blame her so much because infertility is a hard thing to go through and be around and it is hard to know how to be there for someone. I also don't spend much time with friends who have kids because our lives are just so different. They are off planning mommy play dates and I would be kind of like a third wheel.

Because of infertility...I know more about the human body than I ever wanted to know, seriously! I used to be such a private person about my body and I still am for the most part. When you have Drs., ultrasound techs and nurses seeing your business your embarrassment kind of starts to fade away especially when you have had surgery and been in the hospital. There really isn't much to hide from your ob/gyn, thank God mine is a woman!

Because of infertility...I have become much more comfortable in my own skin. This is the body God gave me and as flawed as it may be inside and out it is mine. This has also helped me when I go to confession. I used to be more scared of confession because I would be exposing myself and my sinful nature to another person. I guess I was kind of thinking of the priest as a spiritual ob/gyn, who I would be so scared to go to. Now I feel like I make better confessions because of getting over other embarrassments.

Because of infertility...my life has revolved around cycle days not calendar days! I operate in terms of cycle days for medications and figuring out the most fertile time in my cycle. This used to drive me nuts because I would be thinking about what to take on which CD. Now that JJ does the charting, he tells me when I am suppose to take my stuff and let's me know which CD we are on. Praise God for my awesome hubby!

Becasue of infertility...My marriage has gone through so much in a short amount of time. This has brought us a lot closer and given us a strong foundation. I feel like we have each other's back and God has bonded us together through the grace of the Sacrament. We have argued, cried and consoled each other more times than I can count. I am so much more in love with JJ than the day I married him. Infertility has not broken us, it has made us stronger.

Because of infertility...My relationship with God has grown immensley. I have questioned God so many times on this journey asking Him if He is sure I can handle this cross. I have plunged myself into the depths of His grace to endure each CD1 and our miscarriage. I have run to confession when my weak human nature gets the better of me and when I have become bitter and jealous. I have united myself to Christ and His suffereings with each painful CD1, blood draw and surgery. I have learned so much by looking at and reading the lives of the Saints and how they handled suffering. I have allowed God into the deepest parts of my heart that need healing so that I can become who God made me to be.

Because of infertility...I have made some very lasting strong bonds with new friends. There is something to be said about the bond between women who have suffered infertility or a miscarriage, we truly love one another. I have met awesome people in real life and on the blogosphere that help me along my journey. Knowing that I can ask for prayer or pray for someone else in a similar situation has been a huge comfort! My intercessory prayer life has grown a lot too. Now when I say I am praying for you, I really mean it and I don't just brush it off. Knowing that I am not alone in this struggle keeps me sane! This awesome friend introduced me to the blogosphere and I am forever grateful to her for that. You really find out which friends to run to and which friends to keep at a distance when you go through infertility. I hope and pray that I am as good a friend to those who have been there for me.

Because of infertility...I have learned how to go with the flow a little more. I have learned that I don't have much control over whether or not we conceive and if we do when it will happen. This has made me a little more laxed in other areas of my life. 

Because of infertility...I am doing something I love! I am helping women and couples to understand their fertility by becoming a Creighton Model FertilityCare Practitioner. Working with couples and women from all walks of life has really been a blessing to me. When I can help a woman understand her fertility and not be afraid of or ashamed of it or get help for her fertility related issues, it is one of the most rewarding parts of my job. When a couple discusses how they can better their relationship it really helps me to better my marriage as well. I never would have known about the Creighton Model had it not been for our infertility and our wonderful practitioner nudging me to go into the internship program.  

Because of infertility...I have become a more compssionate, vulnerable and loving human being who recognizes my imperfections just like everybody else. I don't think this one needs much explanation :)

Because of infertility...I am writing what you are now reading. I originally started this blog as a way to keep in touch with friends from afar and share our life. After not writing for 2 yrs. because of our fertility struggles I decided to write about those same struggles.

Because of infertility...I know what it is to wait and try to cultivate patience for those things I desire most.

Because of infertility...I am much stronger than I was before this journey began.

Quick Takes(7) Infertility Awareness Week

My Quick Takes this week are in the spirit of National Infertility Awareness Week so I will be sharing 7 things infertiles/subfertiles want you to know. This list is not meant to be hurtful towards anyone it is just to offer insight into what infertile/subfertile couples go through. Hopefully this will make us all more compassionate human beings. Remember to head over to Jen's  for more Quick Takes.  Here it goes!

1.
We DON'T need advice! Unless we ask for it of course. So don't tell us about how your great aunt's cousin twice removed went to see this acupuncturist or took this special pill to get pregnant. Their journey is not our journey. Most infertile couples are good researchers on their own and are doing what they are most comfortable with.

2.

DON'T assume we are using or even want to use IVF or other such technologies! I had a cousin offer me her eggs one time, I think she was joking but it was still awkward. If you are reading this cousin, I love you but no thank you! For Catholics IVF and a lot of other Artificial Reproductive Technologies are a BIG no no to our faith no matter how badly we want children and there are other reasons why a lot of us choose other medical treatments such as NaProTechnology. This outlines nicely the differences between the two competing treatments. Along with this don't assume every infertile couple is in treatment or in the adoption process. Some couples have felt it better for their marriage to move on rather than start/continue treatment or pursue adoption. Also if we say we are looking into adoption don't tell us the story of so and so who was in the adoption process and then became pregnant chances are we have heard it. Side note: if you see a  married couple without children DON'T assume they are using contraception and preach to them about NFP this has happened to us and it was very hurtful! Also depending on what time of the month it is you may end up with a black eye ;)

3.

DON'T tell us to relax or that it will happen when we stop trying or it will happen in "God's time"! This can bring more stress to an already stressful situation. It can make a couple feel like they don't have enough trust in God or enough faith to make it happen or they need to go to Hawaii in order to conceive. Also God is outside of space and time, time is man made.

4.

 DON'T assume we have extra money because we don't have children to support. The government takes more of our money because we don't have dependents! Also, infertility treatments or adoption can get expensive. The great thing we have found about NaProTechnology is that our insurance is covering most of the treatments because they are treating my disease, PCOS, but this is not the case for everyone. There is often a lot of time and travel involved to go see our NaPro Dr. as well.

5.

 Please DON'T shove babies at us or only talk to us about your child's next milestone. This can be very hurtful although unintentional. I like to take the "Let the little children come to me" approach with babies because that is what makes me most comfortable. I don't like when people pass their babies around to be held by everyone 1) It makes me uncomfortable and 2) From a child development stand point it is disrespectful to the baby. I do like hearing about children because hey I was a child development student so it is fascinating to me and I get it people are proud of their children but too much talk about your baby can get well how do I put this...boring!

6.

 This one is a biggy: DON'T assume our marriage and sex life is sooooo great because we are trying to get pregnant. I have heard things like "wow at least you get to have time to yourselves, you are so lucky!" or "you can pick up and go anytime you want without worrying about any kids" Well too much time to ourselves can drive us mad and it can get lonely at times. There are a lot of couples who need counseling because of infertility. There is a whole grieving process that a person goes through when facing infertility and some of them have experienced a miscarriage on top of all that. I have also heard '"you get to have sex whenever you want, must be nice!" Well for those of us TTC we have to wait until the fertile time to have sex and some of the drugs that Drs. give like clomid can make a woman feel crazy and not want to have sex. There is also the part about focusing too much on TTC that can put pressure on one or both spouses. The unitive aspect of sex can easily get forgotten  and puts strain on a marriage.

7.

DO offer us some compassion and say "I am praying for you" or "you are in our thoughts." DO lend us a listening ear when we need it. DO love us. DO know that we are not perfect and may get hurt at times. DO know that we are doing everything in our power (that does not drive us insane or push our limits) to have children. DO know that we are hurting but that we are not depressed all the time.  DO know that the pain of infertility/subfertility never really goes away even if we do have children, it gets better but does not go away. DO be there for us when we need you! Most importantly DO pray for us!    

Waste Not, Want Not!

I am starting to realize more and more the meaning of this phrase, especially in terms of my struggles. In the literal sense of conserving, saving and using our resources wisely. I try to buy only what we need, which is tough! I try not to throw food away and save leftovers even if it a small portion. We recycle and repurpose/reuse things when we can so we don't have to buy new stuff. We also try and get used furniture from thrift stores and craigslist so that we are buying something that might have ended up in a landfill somewhere.

Now in the figurative sense I am understanding not wasting anything much more these days. I still suffer from severe menstrual cramps despite the medical and nutritional treatment I am on. I have also started a good exercise routine to build and strengthen my muscles so the cramps would be more bearable. The surgery I had almost two years ago showed that I did NOT have endometriosis. So here I am on CD1 thinking "what the heck! Why am I still balling and lying in a fetal position on the bathroom floor?!" As I was praying for at least one baby to be saved from abortion and for the salvation of me and JJ I was also doing some deep reflecting. Yes in the bathroom, especially during these times, is when I get some deep reflecting time in ;)

So I was thinking of why I choose to ask God to save a baby's life from abortion instead of asking God to make me pregnant this next cycle. Well part of me does not want to think about going through child birth because I feel like all of my CD1s that I have had so far add up to one long child birth experience! The other part of me knows the power of praying during suffering and I do not want to waste it on me. I know that we will have children one day no matter how long we have to wait, but the woman who is going in for an abortion today is trying to kill the earthly life of her child and to me that takes precedence. Whatever circumstances brought her to that clinic and to make that decision, her future is going to be a lot harder if she goes through with getting an abortion and that child will never be held and told that they are loved by their birth mother or adopted mother.

This is why at my lowest point when I am on that bathroom floor I pray for all, but at least one woman and child to be spared from abortion. I have been pregnant I know what it feels like to hold life and before that I have had a desire to have children pretty much all of my life. Femininity and motherhood are one in the same and they are innate to my being as a woman therefore I try not to waste my time or my suffering. I encourage all of us to not waste our suffering. Whether it is getting a negative pregnancy test every cycle, recovering from surgery, losing a child, unbearable menstrual cramps, midnight feedings with a newborn, disciplinary issues with a toddler, waiting for a birth mother to choose you or whatever it may be you can use your suffering. You don't have to make any grand gestures all you have to do is PRAY! You can pray from anywhere, even from the bathroom floor :)

Pregnant Part 2

In the first part of our reflections we covered the state of emptiness. If you missed that one you can read it here Pregnant Part 1  The emptiness that we feel whether it be physical because of IF or on a spiritual or emotional level exists so that The Christ Child can fill it up and move within us. This part will reflect on the growth of Christ in us, in a sense the gestation part of pregnancy. The quotes are taken from the book Reed of God. During pregnancy the baby growing inside gets all of its nourishment from its mother and in turn lowers her immune system response. That is why a pregnant woman grows more tired as the pregnancy progresses and why pregnant women are careful in what they eat and who they come in contact with. Everything that affects the mother will affect the baby, even emotions.

During gestation Jesus was completely dependent upon Mary.

" For nine months Christ grew in His Mother's body. By His own will she formed Him from herself, from the simplicity of her daily life.... Working, eating, sleeping, she was forming His body from hers."

This gives a whole new meaning to the fact that we are Christ's hands and feet or that we are His living breathing tabernacles. When we receive the Eucharist at Mass and as we walk back to our seats we are carrying the Christ with us! We entered the Church empty and leave with an incredible gift that we must continue to nourish as we go through our daily tasks. We take Christ to our homes, jobs, the grocery store, the mall, the bar, and even to the deepest part of our hearts. When women are pregnant they are very careful with making sure they do not over exert themselves for the baby's sake or go to dangerous places because they have to think about the safety of their unborn child. We must do the same by trying to avoid those near occasions of sin or knowing ourselves well enough to know our habitual sins. Mary knew the incredible gift she carried in her womb, she could have rested or hidden herself away her entire pregnancy instead she went in haste to see Elizabeth. She took Christ into the world in which needed Him desperately.

The gestation period is necessary for growth in suffering and joy. The suffering part is the uncomfortableness that we feel as we grow and expand our capacity to love. Pregnant women don't have it easy, as much as I long to carry life within me, my NaPro Dr. reminds me that pregnancy is hard on the body. Pregnant women get cramps as the uterus is expanding, morning sickness, and the woman's body will never be the same after the pregnancy. When we encounter Christ we should never be the same. When we allow Christ to grow within us we will encounter suffering as we become sanctified. Sometimes we shake our fist at God as we suffer, which I have been guilty of, or we become bitter, or we become numb.

This stems from our impatience in our suffering.

"People sometimes get disheartened because they have read that suffering ennobled and have met people who seem to have come out of the crucible like pure silver, made beautiful by suffering; but it seems to them that in their own case it is quite the opposite. They find that however hard they try not be, they are irritable; that astonishing stabs of bitterness afflict them, that far from being more sympathetic, more understanding, there is a numbness, a chill on their emotions: they cannot respond to others at all; they seem not to love anyone any more; and they even shrink from, and dread the very presence of, those who are compassionate and who care for them....The truth is that they are too impatient to wait for the season of Advent in sorrow to run its course;"

This passage cuts me deep because I have been here comparing the way I am suffering to others. I would look at others who have been suffering with IF or miscarriage and would think "oh no I am suffering wrong, these people seem fine or despite their suffering they are not complaining like me!" Yes, I like to do things perfectly even suffer. The truth is that we all experience suffering differently. These feelings of anger, bitterness, and sometimes numbness are a normal part of the process for Christ to grow in us.

Often when we go through sorrow, we may shun joy. We think that it is not the time for it or that the dark sorrow will not allow any light to seep through. Well Christ will dispel the darkness even if for a moment that we may experience joy. I remember shortly after the miscarriage I felt guilty for laughing with my husband or feeling happy when receiving the Eucharist. I thought that I should be mourning the loss of our child more or it wasn't time to move on yet. We need to allow our emotions to run their course and be a part of our person but that does not mean that they have to rule our life. We are intellect, will and emotion not just one or the other.

Pregnancy has the joy of knowing you carry life within you and the anticipation of holding that new life. For those of us who have not been able to do that we must allow Christ to occupy that space. Christ must become our main priority just like the baby in the womb is a mother's priority; growing in feminine virtues so that your life bears fruit whether or not you have children, that is real joy. How do we bear fruit if we cannot give human life? That is much like the question that Mary asked the Angel of how is this possible? We must echo the Fiat of Mary in our daily lives in order to experience joy.

How do we live this practically? One thing we can do is to stop grumbling about our daily duties and tasks. I am not talking about the things that bother us and need to change, I am talking about us nitpicking at every little thing in our lives that we don't like. I am talking to myself on this one especially. Making our daily tasks a prayer is another practical way. Staying in constant conversation with Christ will allow us to know that we are not alone and for those of us who are not able to carry a baby in our womb this will make us feel pregnant in a sense. I will cover more about motherhood in the next reflection which will be taken from JPII's Letter Mulieris Dignitatem. Stay tuned.....