Gaudete Indeed

I imagined many times what it would be like to write this post. I had hoped for this day for many years.

I am pregnant. What a heavy yet ordinary sentence. Having been dealing with infertility and reproductive issues for almost 10 years (well more than 10yrs if you count the horrendously painful cycles and awful PMS I started to have in high school) my mind is trying to understand that I am growing a human being in my body. Prior miscarriage coupled with the years of infertility make this experience for me so much different than your average pregnant mother. I have to exercise my anxiety and scrupulosity calming muscle A LOT more these days.

Taking things day by day and moment by moment is a challenge. So, I just have to go on with what I know right now which is that I am pregnant and my levels are looking great so far. Somedays I hate chicken but love red meat and vice versa. I need to praise God for the present moment and trust Him for the next. I need to be joyful and not just cautious about this pregnancy. There is a new life created through the merciful hand of God working through the ordinary function of our human bodies which He created.

Did I tell you yet that I did not do any trigger shots? I ovulated on my own this cycle and twice to boot once on each side! My usually low fertility signs were amazing on their own without any extra enhancer supplements! And my progesterone was looking great post peak with just taking the standard oral dose and no post peak hcg! When I went in for my NaPro appt. after the detox was done the doctor was pleased with how my chart looked so we scheduled an u/s for a week later to check for ovulation or a LUF. Well at the u/s appt. she confirmed ovulation on the right (which made me a little sad since that tube is blocked completely). She reminded me that the left tube can still pick up the egg from the right side so all hope was not lost. Then she went over to check the left and said "Well, you little over achiever! There is a corpus luteum on this side as well. Thank you Jesus!"

 After the u/s we asked what the plans were for the next cycle. Then she said since I ovulated I did not need the trigger shots any more or post peak hcg shots since my progesterone came back great. I also did not need to do the detox supplements longer. She said basically just keep up with the nutrition plan, take some supplements that I was on prior to detox and my usual post peak progesterone. That was it! She would monitor to make sure there was no LUF each cycle but there was no official cycle plan. Little did we know that conception had already taken place and new life had sprung forth!

 Crazy, right?! I am so used to getting bad news or needing to tweak something that I was stunned to not have such a regimented cycle plan to follow. I LOVE that God showed off His skills because really this could only be Him. I mean come on, I ovulated twice and I was one who had  LUFS for years! I could not ovulate on my own without a trigger shot. That is totally God at work!

We tested on P+13 which was on a Sunday in October and it was actually the Feast of Christ the King in the Traditional Latin Mass calendar. I said a prayer before and just gave it all to God knowing that I would be OK either way. When I read the test I thought it was negative because it was not the tests that I am used to taking, JJ got a different brand this time. So, when I read the test I sighed and said "OK God not this cycle. You are still Christ the King." Then as I was getting ready to throw the test out with the box I glanced at the box and gasped. I had read the test wrong! It was positive! I kept saying "Wait, what?" over and over again which concerned JJ so he started coming toward the bathroom. I took the test to him and showed him that it was positive!

 What a turn of events and emotions in a short amount of time. It is a moment that I hope I never forget. It felt different than when we found out about Cecilia. With Cecilia we were on cloud 9 and excited. With this baby our emotions have been more subdued, calm and peaceful. We don't have any rose colored glasses on and we know we have to take things day by day because we have a long road to July. We are excited yet realistic knowing that we entrust this little one to God and His plans for his/her life. I feel the weight of this responsibility and I am humbled and thankful to be entrusted with this little life.

 I had many years to get comfortable with carrying the cross of infertility and miscarriage. Now, I hope I have many years to get used to carrying the cross of parenthood. My prayer is that I get to meet this baby, have them Baptized and they become a saint.  I want God's will. That is all I want.

Gaudete! Deo Gratias!

7th Call... Baby J

We got our 7th call on June 15th at around 4pm. The social worker (SW) informed us of a 4 1/2 month old boy who needed a home. From the information given we thought this was not a possible adoptive situation but a very temporary foster situation so, we were leaning towards no at that point. So, our SW said she would get more info for us and get back to us the next day. I was on pins and needles all night and that morning. When JJ called me and told me what the SW said my response was "It seems that from the information given this situation does fit in our boundaries so all we have to decide is Yes or No." JJ responded with, "I guess it's a Yes. I will call the SW back." After that the SW said the transfer would happen on Monday the 19th!

I was so thrilled that we would finally be welcoming a child into our home! I also prayed so much that weekend for Baby J (Bug)* and his family. We actually had a private healing Mass for generational healing on Saturday the 17th for our families which had been planned for weeks and the priest said we should include Bug and his family too. The whole prayer time and Mass was 3 hours long! It was some intense prayer going on for those 3 hours and it was so beautiful! Later that day we had my goddaughter's 6th birthday party and our friends were all so excited for us. I could not wait to get to Monday!

So on Monday the 19th we ventured out to go pick him up.This first meeting was not as glamorous and idealized as I had in my mind. It happened in a parking lot and a SW just handed him to me and said "Here you go. Sign here." Wow, right? It really hurt my heart for Bug that he was being treated so coldly. So, I just held him with all the love my mama heart had, I whispered in his ear "you're safe" and then I fixed him a bottle for him to have on the ride home. He slept for the whole ride home. Good thing we brought some bottles with water already in it since there was nothing prepared for him! The little that he came with was truly heartbreaking. It was a diaper bag with a few items of clothing, most which did not fit anymore, a few bottles that were obviously for a girl, some diapers and half a can of formula.

Since then JJ and I got to work as parents. Feedings, diaper changes, teething, an ear infection and colic all came with Bug. But, so did cuddles, laughs, baby talk, kisses and the cutest eyebrow raise ever! I quickly remembered what it was like without Bug here and I thanked God that he was with us and safe. I quickly learned that first week that Bug would not be staying in our home and would be transferred out within two weeks. That was a blow to my gut, I did not think it would be so soon. I could not think of the grieving yet because I still had a 5 month old to take care of.

 For every middle of the night feedings or screaming cry Bug made I thanked God for this opportunity to be his mama. Every time I rocked him to sleep I prayed over him. When he was screaming his head off in pain from his ear infection and teething I just held him and prayed. Bug is such an active boy and a good eater! He gained 2.5 lbs and grew 1.5 inches while with us! He loves kicking his legs, rolling over and he gets so frustrated as he tries to crawl. He would love to dance with us to some latin jazz and salsa music and he would calm down with gregorian chant for naps and bedtime. Bug was such a blessing to our home. My hope has been that the time with us has been healing for him.

So from June 19th to July 5th we were Bug's parents/caregivers. After his check up on July 5th in the morning we said goodbye to Bug at the very cold DCFS offices. He was asleep in my arms as I handed him to the SW. He woke up a little when the SW took him and I just gave him his binky so he could go back to sleep. Then I gave him a blessing and said goodbye. After that I walked away crushed and numb. I was not even sure if I was breathing or if this was all just a bad dream. It has been a few days now since we said goodbye. I have had peace even with feeling the loss of him in our lives. The tears come in waves and I am just trying to stay away from major triggers at this point so I can heal. There is so much more to this situation that I just can not share and some that I am not ready to share. Please continue to pray for Baby J, he needs all the prayers he can get.

*I nicknamed Baby J Bug because we got him in June and I thought about calling him June bug but I thought that would be too girly so I went with just Bug. It totally fit too because his favorite place to be is outside. 

Care Giving and Motherhood

The notion that care giving and motherhood are the same would have had me shaking my head NO WAY a couple years ago. Heck, even a few months ago I would have strongly disagreed. I had this hazy fantasy of what motherhood is. I would be always joyful with light beams coming out of my fingertips and floating around as I do daily tasks for my children and husband. My home would be perfectly organized, the weekly menu was always planned and the chaos of family life would be easy to handle, since it would help me grow in virtue. Now that I am in the position of helping care for my mother in law (Ma Crow) a few days a week while she is rehabilitating from a stroke, I see things much different. My idea of motherhood is now very different than the idealized dream that infertility gave me. 

Yes, I still see babies as the cutest creatures on the planet and when you see them, the struggle to care for them makes it all worth it. But now I see what a struggle it is to care for another human being who is not independent and needs you to feed them, clothe them, change them and make sure their needs are taken care of. My mother in law is not at the point where we need to physically feed her but we do need to cut up her food and be preparing healthy nutritious foods for her recovery as well as watch her as she eats to make sure she does not choke. We are so used to seeing babies as the most vulnerable in our society, but what about our aging parents and grandparents? Well, Ma Crow's condition has certainly challenged my ideas of love and my capacity to give of myself.

At the beginning of July is when all of this started; when Ma Crow was sent to the hospital by her Dr. for extremely high blood pressure. That weekend while she was hospitalized, we learned that her right carotid artery was about 90 percent blocked. The hospital doc sent her home with meds and a warning to go to her primary Dr. asap to get a surgery date to unblock the artery or put in a stint within the next few weeks so they could prevent a stroke. Can I just say I HATE HMO insurance! All this led up to our greatest fear and what we were trying to prevent, a stroke.

The day before the stroke, JJ and I took Ma and Pa Crow to Santa Barbara and showed them our favorite spots to eat as well as exploring the Mission. We had such a lovely day with them. 

Pa and Ma Crow at Savoy Cafe where we had a very healthy breakfast

JJ and Pa Crow on the Mission Grounds

The Drs. said there was nothing more they can do for her condition. There were no other surgeries they would attempt; they would just monitor her every 6 months. It is almost like we were all waiting for this to happen, since we knew that a stroke was a huge possibility. The next morning after Santa Barbara, around 6am, the stroke happened. Thank God my SIL was home to call 911 once she realized what was going on; because my FIL had no idea what was going on. I got the phone call around 6:45 am and then called JJ right away so we could get to the hospital. That was six weeks ago. Since then, we have been by her side as much as we can advocating for her care.

 JJ's siblings are all adults and some live as far away as Arkansas, so it has been hard on the whole family. Everyone is doing what they can in the capacity they can to help care for her. Not being a blood relative, there are times where I question if I am stepping on any one's toes for speaking directly to her doctors and nurses; but then I think, if this were happening to my mom I would want to know answers. Plus, I have gone to almost every Dr. appt. with her, so I know what they have all said and question any discrepancies.

Here is the Crow Clan circa 1987.
JJ is the one Pa Crow is holding with a white shirt and a scowl on his face, lol. 

I have always had a pretty good relationship with my MIL. She is easy going, not one to tell me how to do things, and easy to get along with. JJ is very much like her. She and I have great discussions about Catholicism and her growing up in Minnesota. I have JJ call her often to ask how to cut up a chicken or I text her corny jokes. Even though she is not one to give advice, I will ask her for it because hey, she raised 6 kids! Having a good relationship with her has made it easier to care for her. There have been times since this has happened where JJ and I have cried at different times because this is hard to deal with and we truly feel we are walking with her through this suffering.

Caring for Ma Crow has made me feel even more like a mother than when I found out I was pregnant with Cecilia. I have been stretched and poured out in the way in which I am being called to at this point in my life. I told JJ last week as we were going to bed that I felt like a wet cloth wrung dry. Yes, I am tired, but it is a good tired; a tired that I remember feeling when I was a missionary. One where you know that you are doing exactly what God asks of you and grace allows you to take it day by day. I relate to my friends who have children in the sense that sometimes you are so tired you forget to brush your teeth in the morning, you are trying to figure out when you are suppose to eat and shower, you just want to wear lounge pants all the time to get things done and sometimes you feel so overwhelmed and ask "can I really do this?" Now, I am not saying I am superwoman and in charge of her entire care yet, but the days we have been with her at the rehab facility all day are tiring; especially in the beginning when we had to do so much for her. She still needs a lot of help, but she is progressing. It takes her so much longer to do simple things because she is very weak and still has some paralysis on her left side.

It has been such a rewarding privilege to be able to be a part of Ma Crow's care and see her progress. I am learning that it is not about me or any "pats on the back" of a job well done. That does not matter. What matters is Ma Crow and her recovery. I need to check my attitude and impatience (with my FIL) at the door and be a positive light for Ma Crow. I need to be an encouraging cheerleader and nurturer for Ma Crow. Letting her know that she can do it and God has a plan for her; even in this suffering. I need to push her doctors and nurses when needed so that they don't cut corners with her care. I see so easily in these facilities how people can get left behind because there is no one to speak for them. 

 Mainly, I need to practice charity toward Ma Crow and all those I encounter. It is not easy to do this normally, but when you are sleep deprived, it makes it that much more difficult This charity is going to become much more real in the next couple of days since a recent development is that Ma Crow will be released from the rehab facility and she will be coming home with JJ and I! Our home is the best imperfect situation for Ma Crow at this time. We have a small 1 bedroom apartment right now which sounds like this whole idea is crazy and the thoughts, "Can this actually work?", keep running through my head. Our whole life is about to get turned upside down again. My work schedule, alone time, time with JJ and daily tasks are all about to change and as a melancholic that is difficult since I do not like rapid change. I will be caring for another human being full time in my home and still working with CrMS clients. We will have some help from the insurance home health care worker for a couple weeks so that is a relief! I will have to realize that I have to cut myself some slack with work and family life since I will be learning how to juggle both at this time, which will be very difficult since I have high expectations for myself. I am terrified and feel like there is a moving train that I can not stop; so I either need to hop on or let it hit me. I vote for hop on!    

This is much like motherhood in that the true nature of our femininity needs to shine through and our gifts as women must take over. This is where that "feminine genius" St. JP2 talked about in his apostolic letter, becomes such a powerful tool to heal our broken world. That innate ability to care for others and desire to keep them safe."Grace never casts nature aside or cancels it out but rather perfects it and enobles it." (Mulieris Digitatem par. 5) Femininity and motherhood are made perfect in me through my very nature, even if that nature includes infertility. Motherhood includes the entire person, not just the body parts needed to become a biological mother. 

"The moral and spiritual strength of a woman is joined to her awareness that God entrusts the human being to her in a special way." (Mulieris Digitatem par. 30) Again, this entrusting is not just physical; it includes the entire person. This takes a continuous preparation through out a woman's life. This is uniquely designed for women. Men are not entrusted with the human being in the same capacity a woman is. This is why women are fierce and have so much power in our society, especially women who realize this responsibility. Women who possess this awareness become "an irreplaceable support and source of spiritual strength for other people, who perceive the great energies of her spirit." (Mulieris Dignitatem par. 30) Wow, just wow. Is this not a beautiful goal to strive for? This is is my goal. This is the type of woman and mother I want to be.

No, I am not breastfeeding a baby, changing poopy diapers, homeschooling or dealing with tantrums. I am not caring for little ones or cleaning up their mess. I am not lulling them to sleep or reading bed time stories. I am not worrying about a little ones cough or about the color of their poop. I am making bone broth, making healthy meals for Ma and Pa Crow to eat, helping her brush her teeth, telling her she did great at PT and praying with her when she feels she can not do it. I am brushing her hair, asking what outfit she wants to wear and making sure she does not choke on her food. I am sacrificing my usual amount of alone time and time with JJ because this is more important right now. I am seeing the toll this can take on my marriage and how easily the enemy can try and use this situation to drive a wedge between us.There are days when I am just trying to "get through", and the pile of laundry that needs to be put away or dishes in the sink, just have to wait. I relish my morning prayer time with a cup of tea when I get up early enough before the start of daily tasks. I ask God to help me keep going when I just want to curl up in a ball under my covers and hide from the world. 

I see the dignity of Ma Crow and want to uphold it while I care for her. But then the worry starts to creep in; that you are doing this all wrong because you see others do it so naturally. Being woken up in the middle of the night because the person you are caring for needs help. Being attached to your phone when you are away from the person you are caring for "just in case" that phone call or text is about them needing help. The worry that another stroke can happen to Ma Crow, since they can not really prevent it from happening again, and she is at high risk. I am leaning on the grace of the sacraments; heeding the words of my confessor that "a lung that breathes in also must breathe out" and trying to find a balance between what God is asking me to do vs. what I think I should do. This is motherhood. This is care giving. They are one in the same.

 My ideas of motherhood have been challenged and oddly fulfilled during this time of trial. No, I am not carrying life within my womb. I am mid-cycle right now and we did 5 different novenas the past cycle to conceive in a last ditch effort. I have actually been thankful that we don't have small children to care for at this time so that we can focus on helping Ma Crow. I feel that these past 7 years of infertility have trained me for such a time as this.  I am carrying life in my soul. That life is Jesus Christ and He is the life of the world. This is my calling as a woman: to bring Christ to the world around me in each situation I encounter. This is going to make me the care giver that Ma Crow deserves to have. This is going to transform and sanctify my soul. I know I will be very challenged in the coming weeks and months especially with regards to introversion, privacy and perfectionism. So, prayers would be greatly appreciated for us all! Finally, I think St. JPII says it better than I ever could: 

"The Church gives thanks for all the manifestations of the feminine 'genius' which have appeared in the course of history, in the midst of all peoples and nations; she gives thanks for all the charisms which the Holy Spirit distributes to women in the history of the People of God, for all the victories which she owes to their faith, hope and charity: she gives thanks for all the fruits of feminine holiness." (Mulieris Digitatem par. 31)

What would our world be like if more women answered this call or realized this awareness? What would your world look like? How would you go about your daily tasks differently?