Pregnant Part 2

In the first part of our reflections we covered the state of emptiness. If you missed that one you can read it here Pregnant Part 1  The emptiness that we feel whether it be physical because of IF or on a spiritual or emotional level exists so that The Christ Child can fill it up and move within us. This part will reflect on the growth of Christ in us, in a sense the gestation part of pregnancy. The quotes are taken from the book Reed of God. During pregnancy the baby growing inside gets all of its nourishment from its mother and in turn lowers her immune system response. That is why a pregnant woman grows more tired as the pregnancy progresses and why pregnant women are careful in what they eat and who they come in contact with. Everything that affects the mother will affect the baby, even emotions.

During gestation Jesus was completely dependent upon Mary.

" For nine months Christ grew in His Mother's body. By His own will she formed Him from herself, from the simplicity of her daily life.... Working, eating, sleeping, she was forming His body from hers."

This gives a whole new meaning to the fact that we are Christ's hands and feet or that we are His living breathing tabernacles. When we receive the Eucharist at Mass and as we walk back to our seats we are carrying the Christ with us! We entered the Church empty and leave with an incredible gift that we must continue to nourish as we go through our daily tasks. We take Christ to our homes, jobs, the grocery store, the mall, the bar, and even to the deepest part of our hearts. When women are pregnant they are very careful with making sure they do not over exert themselves for the baby's sake or go to dangerous places because they have to think about the safety of their unborn child. We must do the same by trying to avoid those near occasions of sin or knowing ourselves well enough to know our habitual sins. Mary knew the incredible gift she carried in her womb, she could have rested or hidden herself away her entire pregnancy instead she went in haste to see Elizabeth. She took Christ into the world in which needed Him desperately.

The gestation period is necessary for growth in suffering and joy. The suffering part is the uncomfortableness that we feel as we grow and expand our capacity to love. Pregnant women don't have it easy, as much as I long to carry life within me, my NaPro Dr. reminds me that pregnancy is hard on the body. Pregnant women get cramps as the uterus is expanding, morning sickness, and the woman's body will never be the same after the pregnancy. When we encounter Christ we should never be the same. When we allow Christ to grow within us we will encounter suffering as we become sanctified. Sometimes we shake our fist at God as we suffer, which I have been guilty of, or we become bitter, or we become numb.

This stems from our impatience in our suffering.

"People sometimes get disheartened because they have read that suffering ennobled and have met people who seem to have come out of the crucible like pure silver, made beautiful by suffering; but it seems to them that in their own case it is quite the opposite. They find that however hard they try not be, they are irritable; that astonishing stabs of bitterness afflict them, that far from being more sympathetic, more understanding, there is a numbness, a chill on their emotions: they cannot respond to others at all; they seem not to love anyone any more; and they even shrink from, and dread the very presence of, those who are compassionate and who care for them....The truth is that they are too impatient to wait for the season of Advent in sorrow to run its course;"

This passage cuts me deep because I have been here comparing the way I am suffering to others. I would look at others who have been suffering with IF or miscarriage and would think "oh no I am suffering wrong, these people seem fine or despite their suffering they are not complaining like me!" Yes, I like to do things perfectly even suffer. The truth is that we all experience suffering differently. These feelings of anger, bitterness, and sometimes numbness are a normal part of the process for Christ to grow in us.

Often when we go through sorrow, we may shun joy. We think that it is not the time for it or that the dark sorrow will not allow any light to seep through. Well Christ will dispel the darkness even if for a moment that we may experience joy. I remember shortly after the miscarriage I felt guilty for laughing with my husband or feeling happy when receiving the Eucharist. I thought that I should be mourning the loss of our child more or it wasn't time to move on yet. We need to allow our emotions to run their course and be a part of our person but that does not mean that they have to rule our life. We are intellect, will and emotion not just one or the other.

Pregnancy has the joy of knowing you carry life within you and the anticipation of holding that new life. For those of us who have not been able to do that we must allow Christ to occupy that space. Christ must become our main priority just like the baby in the womb is a mother's priority; growing in feminine virtues so that your life bears fruit whether or not you have children, that is real joy. How do we bear fruit if we cannot give human life? That is much like the question that Mary asked the Angel of how is this possible? We must echo the Fiat of Mary in our daily lives in order to experience joy.

How do we live this practically? One thing we can do is to stop grumbling about our daily duties and tasks. I am not talking about the things that bother us and need to change, I am talking about us nitpicking at every little thing in our lives that we don't like. I am talking to myself on this one especially. Making our daily tasks a prayer is another practical way. Staying in constant conversation with Christ will allow us to know that we are not alone and for those of us who are not able to carry a baby in our womb this will make us feel pregnant in a sense. I will cover more about motherhood in the next reflection which will be taken from JPII's Letter Mulieris Dignitatem. Stay tuned.....

Pregnant

By the title of the post you are probably expecting me to announce I am pregnant...sorry that is not the news today, maybe someday. I know of many people who would like me to announce that we are pregnant and believe me I would like to announce that someday. I sometimes feel like everyone is expecting me to announce that, every time I see them or talk to them or when they ask me what's new with hopeful eyes. Since most people know about our struggle there would be a a lot of happy people at that news and we have a lot of people praying that we will become pregnant again. There are a lot of people journeying with us on this road and there are times where I feel like I am letting people down by not getting pregnant. Our parents would obviously want grandchildren from us but how do you let them know that they are hoping for something that may never happen. I guess that is the point of hope, huh? It was heartbreaking when we had to tell our parents we were miscarrying only the day after we told them we were pregnant. So these thoughts of pregnancy and becoming pregnant led me into a deep reflection. Would you expect anything less from a carmelitic heart?

I am pregnant and I am called to be pregnant just like every other woman on earth. You are probably thinking what the heck is she talking about? Has she taken a trip to crazy town? No, I have not gone off the deep end at least not yet. As a woman I am called to be pregnant, it may not be physical but it must be spiritual. I am called to spiritual motherhood and to be pregnant with the gospel of Jesus Christ. There are two sources that are the inspiration for these posts. One is JPII's letter to women, Mulieris Dignitatem, and the other is a book called Reed of God by Caryll Houselander. The book is divided into four parts and I will be drawing a little from each part. I cannot recommend this book enough, if you ever get the chance to read it you will get something out of it.

The first chapter is titled Emptiness. Ugh, I know IF can make a woman feel really empty but we must be empty for Christ to take up that space. So what kind of empty are you? Houselander, describes three different types of virginal emptiness that Mary possessed.

" Are we reed pipes? Is He waiting to live lyrically through us? Are we chalices? Does He ask to be sacrificed in us? Are we nests? Does He desire of us a warm, sweet abiding in domestic life at home?"

 I feel like I have been all of these at different times through this IF journey. When I am promoting NFP and NaPro I feel like I am a reed pipe being played and the musician is God. When I am struggling through the sorrow of not getting pregnant every month or when we miscarried Cecilia I identify with the chalice. Now I feel like I am the nest preparing for what is to come. I am preparing my soul and womb with love, not just for my children but for humanity. In a practical way I have been making our home more clean, beautiful, and warm; a place where my husband wants to come home to everyday and where a child will be lavished with lots of love. So which empty are you at this point in your life?

Mary's Fiat was extraordinary and yet ordinary at the same time. Mary didn't have to acquire something before she gave herself to God. She did not have to find the secret treasure, do any fundraising, or climb the highest mountain. God used the exact material she was created with, her humanity.

"She was to give Him her body and soul unconditionally...She was not even asked to live it alone with this God who was her own being and whose Being was to be hers. No, He asked for her ordinary life shared with Joseph. She was not to neglect her simple human tenderness, her love for an earthly man, because God was her unborn child."

This passage speaks to me because with IF the husband sometimes gets pushed aside. The blood draws, surgeries, nutrition, and supplements are mostly concentrated on the woman. I know there have been times where I have been guilty of neglecting JJ and focusing too much on the end goal of children. Since I make a lot of my food from scratch because of my diet restrictions there have been times where I just throw a frozen dinner in the oven for him. Mary had the incredible gift of being the Mother of Christ yet she knew her role as a wife. This humbles me as I have a lot to learn especially because we as women can sometimes have the attitude of "I carried the child for 9months what more do you want? or I am the one having to be on this special diet and giving myself progesterone or HCG injections why can't you take care of yourself? or Don't I do enough for you?" We lose that sacrificial love for our husbands that Mary had for Joseph. Our Fiat is in our saying "yes dear, I will serve you seconds...sure I can do an extra load of laundry...sure I can go pick up your razors from target." Now I am not saying that we are our husband's slaves in any way but that we often neglect their needs. I speak from the perspective of IF but those with children on this earth will have a different experience.

We are called to be empty so that the Christ child can fill up that space in our womb and hearts. If we do not love the Christ child and give of ourselves to him how can we expect to do the same for a child we so eagerly await. When we lost Cecilia I felt incredibly empty, there was no baby to nurture or grow inside me. During that time of sorrow and emptiness I was allowing Jesus to be sacrificed in me and offering my whole self, even my not so healthy body. For every time I touched my empty belly and cried out to God to help me understand why He was asking me to be His chalice. Why must we be emptied out? So that God can fill us up, of course! Which will be covered in part two…

 

Side Note: Prayer Buddy I have not posted it but I have been praying for you! Which I will reveal who you are on Christmas Eve J