Illumination of Dark Hearts and Shadowed Minds

     Weird title huh? What could I possibly write in this post?

     I know it has been a while since I have written. There are times where I feel I have so much to say and times where I can not fully express what I am trying to say. If I could describe the past 6 months-1 year of my life, it would be boiled down to the following two words: growing pains. You know when you would get those aches as a kid because your body was growing and your parents said, "Oh, it's just growing pains."? Well, that is what I feel has been going on with me, not physically, but on the emotional and spiritual level as well as in my marriage. I have been reflecting a lot lately since Ma Crow left our home.  As I have been reflecting on my time of “hands on” service to her, JJ and I discovered a lot about the state of my soul, psyche and our marriage. The experience in care giving has taken my mind out of the shadows about what it is to be a mother, my perfectionism and the state of my soul.

     Let's start on the "Dark Hearts" part of this post. I realized in a deeper way the fleeting emotions of the heart. I realized my concupiscence and how I easily fall into sin because of it. It brought me to my knees begging God for mercy. Appropriate for this year of mercy huh? While taking care of Ma Crow 24/7 with JJ, I found myself so tired that I would snap at him and even at Ma Crow. I wanted to drive a wedge between JJ and I so that I could have an excuse to leave him to deal with caring for Ma Crow alone. Not that I would leave him for good, but I wanted to go stay with my family so it would be easier on me. I am ashamed to even type those words, but they are true and that is how I felt at the time. I realized how weak I am when it comes to giving of myself and not getting much back in return. At the end of long days, JJ and I could barely hold a conversation as we were both so tired; yet we yearned to spend more time together. I recognized the way in which the enemy was trying to use this situation to get us off guard. I would hear lies echoed in my heart like, "You will lose him." or, "He cares more about his mother than he does you." and, "Your dad left, so you will be just like him." These fears started to consume my heart and I would pick fights with JJ for random things. For the record, there were legitimate things that JJ needed to address while we were caring for Ma Crow, as well as after she left.

     I do not want to give the impression that I am all bad and JJ is all good. If I think about it in this way, that is when the enemy wreaks havoc on me. We must confront the lies we hear and light them with truths... more on that later. Meanwhile, my emotions were trying to run the ship and, with the grace of the sacraments, God was able to reveal this fact to me. Confession and spiritual direction from two different priests helped me to see the bigger picture and look beyond myself. I realized how selfish I was being and that up until then JJ had been my rock; now it was my turn to be his. It was when I confronted this darkness in my heart and asked Jesus for mercy and help that I was better able to serve JJ and Ma Crow. Even the times where I was done and did not want to do a single thing for anyone else, God gave me the grace to keep going. He not only gave me the grace to keep going, He gave me the grace to do it with joy! By the end of our time taking care of Ma Crow in our home I was sad that we could not do it anymore and I was going to miss her.

     Shadowed minds. This can happen when you are naturally exhausted and sleep deprived. Things start to seem hazy and your path looks so unclear. There were so many times where I had no idea what to do or how to handle a situation. Grant it, we needed to give ourselves a learning curve because we had not taken care of a stroke patient before and we had no idea what to expect. We had no clue she got up so many times at night to use the restroom, that we would not be able to just take her wherever we wanted to go or the emotional baggage that comes with a fully grown elderly human being. We had to change our way of thinking from, "Ma Crow is here for rapid recovery." and, "We run the show." to, "What is best for us all as a family." In the spiritual life, your path to God can seem like a shadow or like you are looking at the road through a veil. We will never see clearly until the day we meet Him face to face. There will always be some sort of haze because of our concupiscence. The wonderful gifts that help us clear the haze a bit are Confession, Mass and mental prayer. I have to say, when I can’t get to daily Mass or confession as often as I'd like, mental prayer is such a saving grace for me. The constant dialogue of, “Help me Jesus!”, “What do you want from me?!”, and, “Have mercy on me!”, keeps me coming back to Him over and over.

     After Ma Crow left our home, we knew God was calling us to a time of heavy discernment. There were things we realized that we wanted in our life, and taking care of Ma Crow helped us to realize that. Times of discernment seem especially shadowy though, don't they? The waters always seem murky when trying to find a clear answer, and as you try and push away the shadowy reflection, it just becomes more distorted. The questions arise of what to do, for how long, in what way and how do we get there? I am already a very methodical person and plan a journey meticulously before stepping out the door (can you say Bilbo Baggins?) But, with the things of God you can not do that. It really is an adventure and I do not like adventure because of my natural tendency toward fear. I love how God wants to release me from my fears, though there are many.

     I should have known that this is THE reason God wanted me to marry JJ! Since from the start of our marriage it has been an adventure. For our honeymoon, JJ and I went on a road trip up north. We had no map to get us there. We just knew we could take PCH and get to our destination eventually. A simple 4 1/2 hour drive turned into a 7 hour excursion with wrong turns, gas station directions, sightseeing, back roads and Hershey Kisses raining in our car (literally!). It was an adventure, but there was a safety and security there. I was not worried when we would get to check into our hotel; I was a joy filled beaming new bride. I am guessing the grace of the sacrament had a lot to do with that. The point is that I trusted and did not have fear; even though the way was not certain.

     Now, God is asking me trust Him in the same way I did then. Through much discussion, prayer and discernment, JJ and I have decided to pursue adoption through foster care. There are so many things I have to say about this decision. There has been so much peace given us about this decision, even though we know what heart ache could and will await us. We are ready. We are ready to open our lives up to a child who needs us, whether that be for a limited time or their whole life. We are not saints; we are simply answering a call. We know that we will have struggles and believe me, there are so many things about this process that are illogical and quite frankly, stupid. But, I am willing to submit to the call that God has laid out before us. We have gone to our initial classes, done finger printing, finished our application and will have our initial home inspection this upcoming week! We are so excited and are trying to enjoy the process and journey as much as possible before the real work of parenting starts.

     So, big news huh?! WAIT, there's more!

     We are also picking up where we left off with our NaPro Dr., in hopes of trying to conceive again. I underwent some initial testing to get a baseline of where I am at. I had an u/s that indicated LUFS was still an issue. This time she saw it on my right ovary, but my left ovary looked as if it could have ovulated, though she could not confirm. So, we now have a plan from our NaPro Dr. that we will follow in hopes of trying to conceive. Again, there was so much discussion and prayer between JJ, myself and our spiritual director that went into this decision. God has given me so much peace about this process. I do not feel like I am beating a dead horse with going back to NaPro. I actually feel hope and determination; no matter what happens. As our NaPro Dr. was laying out the cycle plan to me with ultrasounds and blood tests, I chuckled and said, “Oh, I remember this.” She replied, “Are you ready for this?” My answer was simply, “Yes, with God’s peace, I am ready.” If my NaPro Dr. is not ready to give up on us and she has hope, then I am not ready to give up. I trust her judgement and I know she would tell me if she didn’t think it was possible. So our new cycle plan will start next cycle!   

     We are ready. Ready to submit to the call that God has laid out before us. We are, "Opening wide the doors to Christ.” There is a peace and fortitude that is pushing me along that I did not feel was there beforehand. I felt like I had peace, but I was still afraid of God’s answer. I am no longer afraid of what will or won’t be His plan. I just want what is His plan. As we move forward on this journey of two huge and time consuming ways to grow our family, we would appreciate any prayers on our behalf. We are already praying for our children and how they will come to us. We are especially praying for those children and families we will encounter in the foster care system. As Mother Luisita* would say, “Adelante (onward)!” We keep moving forward trusting in God and knowing His will for us is better than our own.

     *Venerable Mother Luisita was the foundress of the Carmelite Sisters of the Most Sacred Heart here in Los Angeles. You can find out more about her here.  

Letting Go of "The Precious"

For all of you Lord of the Rings geeks out there, you know what I am talking about when you read the title. For all of you non cool people out there who don't know much about The Hobbit or the Lord of the Rings series, I will break it down for you. There is a ring that is very powerful that everyone wants so that they can be all powerful and in control. The catch is the ring makes you go cray cray because your desire for it drives you mad and you turn inward instead of using the power of the ring to do what is good for all. The ring is referred to as "my precious" to the person who wishes to possess it and it becomes an idol. The ring brings out the worst part of the characters, but for some reason, Hobbits are immune to the ring's evil powers for a longer period of time than other creatures. Perhaps that is because Hobbits are simple creatures who are happy and content with their lives. They are not overly superficial, but they love to have fun and joke around. They work when they need to work, play when they need to play, rest when they need to rest and eat when the need eat. Actually, their eating habits may be out of control... Anyway so back to my point. Hobbits lead a well ordered life; which is their main endearing quality. I always feel that I am part hobbit because I love my quiet time and my little hobbit hole, plus I eat about 6 times a day!

Why am I bringing up Hobbits and a magical ring? Well, we all have something or someone that we consider precious; it may even be an ideal that you consider precious. It's something you hold on so tight to that the thought of letting it go seems so unbearable it would make you go crazy and you are not even sure you could really let it go. It may be that job you really want, the idea of being married but you are still single, financial wealth, being seen as perfect or it can even be your own children. For me, "my precious" is getting pregnant again and adopting. Yup, I want both. There have been times where I feel like I can totally trust God with our family and feel the peace of "God's timing" and all that. Then, there have been times where I feel so sorrowful and want to control the situation where I feel like I would try any amount of summersaults to get pregnant. The original desire is good, but because of my human nature and concupiscence, I distort this desire. I want to control it and make it happen instead of trusting God completely with this desire or "precious."

Over these many years of infertility I have been working on letting "my precious" go. This past year, that was a huge theme in my life and I finally started to feel comfortable and HAPPY in my current situation. Therapy has been a huge part of that process for me. I have recently discovered that JJ's "precious" is his mother, Ma Crow. I don't want to get too much into JJ's story, for that is his to tell when he is ready. Just like infertility has been such a cross for me to bear, JJ's cross has been seeing his mother in such need and knowing he can not heal her instantly.  I have never seen my husband struggle so much internally and spiritually. I have known him for fifteen years and in that time he has always been the constant, quiet and steady man of faith. I could see how letting go of Ma Crow and trusting God completely with her healing would be difficult (understatement) because if this were my mother, I would be the same way.

Now the part of the journey is going to get harder since Ma Crow will be leaving our home this upcoming week and going to live with my SIL for a few months. She is over an hour away and it will be a difficult transition for JJ and for myself. We will not get to see her everyday. We will probably see her every other weekend. That is such a drastic change! JJ has to go back to work at the beginning of February and my client load is growing rapidly again, so we can no longer be her 24/7 care takers. It was so sad coming to this reality and having to have the conversation with Ma Crow. We all cried and have been a bit mopey since then.

Ma Crow has become so very precious and important to me in these last 6 months, especially since her stroke, and even more so these past 8 weeks that she has been living with us. The thing is, it is not in the same way as the "precious" would be. For some reason, God is giving me peace about the whole situation; maybe because I have been through this process of letting go of something and someone so dear to me. For JJ, this is his mother, the woman who gave birth to him, nursed him, bathed him and held him when he cried. The woman who gave him advice on what to do as an adult and told him what kind of woman to marry. He has always been able to shoot the breeze with her while having a cup of coffee and understand her because they are so alike. When he started earning money on his own as an adult he used to buy her flowers once in awhile just to make sure she felt special. Now, because of the stroke, most of the times she forgets things that just happened. Sometimes she does not understand what he is trying to say or she is not present because her brain is trying to figure something out. She is different from who she was before the stroke. Since JJ has known her all his life, his experience is totally different from mine.

A friend asked me the other day "I know you love your MIL, but do you like her?" My answer was a very hearty yes! Since her and JJ have both the same primary and secondary temperaments, I really like being around her. We even did the 200 temperament question with her just to confirm our suspicions about her temperament. She is a bit too much of a smart ass for me at times, but then again, so is JJ. I love that she reminds me of Minnesota and the cordiality of the Midwest. She is not haughty, but very down to earth. Plus, she is practical, simple and does not like extravagant things. All of these qualities that I fell in love with about JJ, I have learned, come from his mother. I did not think I could even last a month with her living with us and now I can not imagine her not being here. This is not to say that this has not been difficult all around; on our marriage especially. It has not been sunshine and rainbows. We have been impatient with one another and have seen each other's ugly side. Ma Crow, JJ and I have definitely had some intense arguments, but we have worked through it all together.

I have gotten to know my mother in law in ways that most daughters in law never get to. I have gotten to care for her in such a close, personal and downright awkward way. I can't imagine what it feels like for her to have her daughter in law help bathe her, clothe her and even inspect her poop! What a gift and privilege it has been for me to care for her! She has taught me so much, but the biggest lesson I have learned is that motherhood is not as scary as I think it is. Our relationship is not the normal cordial one you have with in laws where you share a common love for this person you are connected to. Now, we share a common love for one another, and not the gushy love, but the real love where you have seen the person's flaws and weaknesses and still choose to love them.

I am going to miss her being in our home, even in as close a quarters as we have lived. I will miss her daily wise cracks and her saying, "Thank God she did not become a Carmelite Jack, or we would not be eating so well" or, "Thank you for the gift of self." I will miss her and JJ cracking up about something while I am cooking in the kitchen. I will miss her saying "Tien cuidado", every time I go to leave for work. I know I will still get to see her and talk to her, but it won't be as much as it has been. I was talking with a friend on how hard this will be for JJ and she said, "Well you guys can't hog all the blessings. Since she has been such a blessing to you, maybe God wants to bless the other family members with spending more time with her." That is so true for us to remember; we are not the only ones who can care for her or who want to care for her! It is not all about what is best for us, it is what is best for all involved at this time.

I have learned that by letting go of "my precious" it is a continual letting go. As we loosen the grip on what we want to control we can grasp on to the hem of Jesus' garment more. As we let go, we are more free to love and give of ourselves as a self gift to whomever is before us. This week is going to be a tough one as we will be going to my SIL's to transition Ma Crow. We have to trust that God has the timeline for her healing in control. JJ has to let go of his "precious" and I need to support him through this. I need to be his Samwise Gamgee right now. Please pray for us all during this transition, especially pray for peace, Ma Crow's healing and my SIL and her family as they welcome Ma Crow into their home.

Advent Re-Cap Maranatha

It is interesting that the 1st week of Advent coincided with Ma Crow's first week with us. She was discharged Monday Nov. 30th from the care facility and let me tell you, everything that could go wrong did. First off, the at home equipment that she was supposed to get did not show up and then we learned that the insurance would not approve anything except for a specialized walker. So we scrambled around in the beginning of the week to secure the necessary equipment. Since she did not have a hospital bed, Ma Crow stayed in our bed. JJ slept next to her so he could help her in the middle of the night and I slept on the couch. First time in our marriage either of us has slept on the couch!

The reason why JJ stayed the night close to her is that she was sick from her stomach and started to get a bad cough. She was up every two hours on the dot needing to use the restroom so we were all very sleep deprived... we kind of still are. I upped her probiotic and started giving her bone broth almost daily to help clear all that up. Seriously, you don't feel close to a person until you are checking the status of their poop! For her awful cough, which kept us all up all night, I did what my mom used to do; warm honey and cough medicine. The cough was almost completely gone in less than a week. We also had her breathe in steam to break up any mucus in there. Again, inspecting someone else's bodily fluids makes you feel really close to them.

Dealing with the insurance has been a pain. JJ has been the one dealing with them and I deal with the Drs. and medications. I am so used to taking so many meds and supplements a day that organizing someone else's is not that hard of a job. My main jobs have been meals, meds, laundry, clean up, blood pressure/temp. checker and  my favorite: poop inspector. On top of all that, I have been JJ's support when he feels overwhelmed. It is truly God's grace that got us through the first week. At one point JJ and I both said, "Maranatha, Come Lord Jesus!". The penance, emptiness and wonder of Advent has been deep within our hearts this year.

This has not been easy at all! Finding the balance between compassion, nurturing and fostering independence is hard. I am so glad God made me who I am as an organizer and scheduler so I have some format to go by. I am constantly trying to problem solve or see how we can make things work better for us all. Don't get me wrong, there are no rose colored glasses about scheduling because it can go out the window at any time. By the grace of God I have been able to keep tabs and remember her meds and my supplements daily without missing any of mine. Again, this has been due to God's grace! There are times where I even feel like I am thriving by doing this! We all have our moments of highs and lows or times where we are annoyed with each other. We are three introverts living together, so it is bound to happen that we get under each other's skin. It has been very difficult for me to have people in my house that I am not used to seeing on a regular basis; whether that be JJ's siblings, my FIL or medical personnel.

This care giving is a 24/7 job. It requires all of me and I am constantly asking God for the grace to get me through. There is no more "just me and JJ"; we have to consider Ma Crow. We have to make sure she is taken care of even when we are not with her. We have noticed that when we do not let her know in advance that one of my SILs will be with her for a few hours while we step out, she is thrown off  her routine and we all get a very bad night's sleep. She is not just recovering from a fall or surgery, she is recovering from a major stroke which means there has been some brain damage. Whether that is permanent or not is yet to be determined. There are times where JJ and I have both been at our breaking point and have thought we should not do this anymore, but usually the other is the strongest at that point and we encourage one another to keep going. I think the first two weeks JJ was having a hard time and this past week I have been the one struggling.

Time alone with JJ is a rarity and it has been hard to keep up our communication at this time since there is someone else here when we want to talk. Our 8 year wedding anniversary was spent with Ma Crow and we did not get to have a date alone on that day. We know that was a sacrifice we had to make at the time. My FIL is not my cup of tea as far as personality goes, so I have been having a really hard time with seeing him on a regular basis. There are times where I want to scream, hide or run away to go live with my mom. But that is not what marriage is. JJ and I are a team and this is where God is calling us to be; this is what He is calling us to do. I have realized how weak I am and how strong Jesus is. It is not because I am this great person that I am able to help care for Ma Crow, it is because God is so great that He can allow us to do extraordinary things.   

As tough as this is there is so much joy. There is much joy in giving of yourself to God's will for you moment by moment. There is joy in seeing Ma Crow's face after she does something she thought she could not do. It has been so amazing to be a part of her recovery and healing. I have discovered that I like crossword puzzles, thanks to Ma Crow, even though I thought I was not any good at them. My marriage is growing and JJ and I are becoming more in sync as we work as a team. Even though we have not had much time to communicate alone together, the skills we had before are proving to be very valuable as we care for Ma Crow. I cherish the inside jokes that we all have together. I know that JJ and I will not regret this time we spend with Ma Crow as trying as it can be at times.

I have received so much encouragement from family, friends and random strangers for caring for Ma Crow. The lady who processed our order for the medical equipment we borrowed from a local charity gave me a hug and said, "You are such a good daughter in law. Your mother in law is lucky to have you." People at church have stopped me to say that they are encouraged by JJ and I taking care of Ma Crow and my aunt gave me a great big hug at Christmas and told me I was doing a great job. My mom has been so helpful and a wonderful listening ear for me when I need her. She has helped me to get through the roughest patches. These encouragements have helped me to keep going and are confirming that God has me exactly where He wants me. I do not do this perfectly and I don't have a magic formula on how to do this well because there are so many areas I can grow in.  

Now Ma Crow has been with us for a whole month! We are not sure how much longer we will be taking care of Ma Crow before she is ready to go home. We take things day by day but we will need to figure out something soon, since we told our landlord that she will be staying with us for 4-6weeks. This has certainly been an adventure and has made us focus on what is important. Our Christmas has been pretty simple, but filled with gratitude. God has been so good to us and I pray He continue to bless us with life giving love. Merry Christmastide!   

Care Giving and Motherhood

The notion that care giving and motherhood are the same would have had me shaking my head NO WAY a couple years ago. Heck, even a few months ago I would have strongly disagreed. I had this hazy fantasy of what motherhood is. I would be always joyful with light beams coming out of my fingertips and floating around as I do daily tasks for my children and husband. My home would be perfectly organized, the weekly menu was always planned and the chaos of family life would be easy to handle, since it would help me grow in virtue. Now that I am in the position of helping care for my mother in law (Ma Crow) a few days a week while she is rehabilitating from a stroke, I see things much different. My idea of motherhood is now very different than the idealized dream that infertility gave me. 

Yes, I still see babies as the cutest creatures on the planet and when you see them, the struggle to care for them makes it all worth it. But now I see what a struggle it is to care for another human being who is not independent and needs you to feed them, clothe them, change them and make sure their needs are taken care of. My mother in law is not at the point where we need to physically feed her but we do need to cut up her food and be preparing healthy nutritious foods for her recovery as well as watch her as she eats to make sure she does not choke. We are so used to seeing babies as the most vulnerable in our society, but what about our aging parents and grandparents? Well, Ma Crow's condition has certainly challenged my ideas of love and my capacity to give of myself.

At the beginning of July is when all of this started; when Ma Crow was sent to the hospital by her Dr. for extremely high blood pressure. That weekend while she was hospitalized, we learned that her right carotid artery was about 90 percent blocked. The hospital doc sent her home with meds and a warning to go to her primary Dr. asap to get a surgery date to unblock the artery or put in a stint within the next few weeks so they could prevent a stroke. Can I just say I HATE HMO insurance! All this led up to our greatest fear and what we were trying to prevent, a stroke.

The day before the stroke, JJ and I took Ma and Pa Crow to Santa Barbara and showed them our favorite spots to eat as well as exploring the Mission. We had such a lovely day with them. 

Pa and Ma Crow at Savoy Cafe where we had a very healthy breakfast

JJ and Pa Crow on the Mission Grounds

The Drs. said there was nothing more they can do for her condition. There were no other surgeries they would attempt; they would just monitor her every 6 months. It is almost like we were all waiting for this to happen, since we knew that a stroke was a huge possibility. The next morning after Santa Barbara, around 6am, the stroke happened. Thank God my SIL was home to call 911 once she realized what was going on; because my FIL had no idea what was going on. I got the phone call around 6:45 am and then called JJ right away so we could get to the hospital. That was six weeks ago. Since then, we have been by her side as much as we can advocating for her care.

 JJ's siblings are all adults and some live as far away as Arkansas, so it has been hard on the whole family. Everyone is doing what they can in the capacity they can to help care for her. Not being a blood relative, there are times where I question if I am stepping on any one's toes for speaking directly to her doctors and nurses; but then I think, if this were happening to my mom I would want to know answers. Plus, I have gone to almost every Dr. appt. with her, so I know what they have all said and question any discrepancies.

Here is the Crow Clan circa 1987.
JJ is the one Pa Crow is holding with a white shirt and a scowl on his face, lol. 

I have always had a pretty good relationship with my MIL. She is easy going, not one to tell me how to do things, and easy to get along with. JJ is very much like her. She and I have great discussions about Catholicism and her growing up in Minnesota. I have JJ call her often to ask how to cut up a chicken or I text her corny jokes. Even though she is not one to give advice, I will ask her for it because hey, she raised 6 kids! Having a good relationship with her has made it easier to care for her. There have been times since this has happened where JJ and I have cried at different times because this is hard to deal with and we truly feel we are walking with her through this suffering.

Caring for Ma Crow has made me feel even more like a mother than when I found out I was pregnant with Cecilia. I have been stretched and poured out in the way in which I am being called to at this point in my life. I told JJ last week as we were going to bed that I felt like a wet cloth wrung dry. Yes, I am tired, but it is a good tired; a tired that I remember feeling when I was a missionary. One where you know that you are doing exactly what God asks of you and grace allows you to take it day by day. I relate to my friends who have children in the sense that sometimes you are so tired you forget to brush your teeth in the morning, you are trying to figure out when you are suppose to eat and shower, you just want to wear lounge pants all the time to get things done and sometimes you feel so overwhelmed and ask "can I really do this?" Now, I am not saying I am superwoman and in charge of her entire care yet, but the days we have been with her at the rehab facility all day are tiring; especially in the beginning when we had to do so much for her. She still needs a lot of help, but she is progressing. It takes her so much longer to do simple things because she is very weak and still has some paralysis on her left side.

It has been such a rewarding privilege to be able to be a part of Ma Crow's care and see her progress. I am learning that it is not about me or any "pats on the back" of a job well done. That does not matter. What matters is Ma Crow and her recovery. I need to check my attitude and impatience (with my FIL) at the door and be a positive light for Ma Crow. I need to be an encouraging cheerleader and nurturer for Ma Crow. Letting her know that she can do it and God has a plan for her; even in this suffering. I need to push her doctors and nurses when needed so that they don't cut corners with her care. I see so easily in these facilities how people can get left behind because there is no one to speak for them. 

 Mainly, I need to practice charity toward Ma Crow and all those I encounter. It is not easy to do this normally, but when you are sleep deprived, it makes it that much more difficult This charity is going to become much more real in the next couple of days since a recent development is that Ma Crow will be released from the rehab facility and she will be coming home with JJ and I! Our home is the best imperfect situation for Ma Crow at this time. We have a small 1 bedroom apartment right now which sounds like this whole idea is crazy and the thoughts, "Can this actually work?", keep running through my head. Our whole life is about to get turned upside down again. My work schedule, alone time, time with JJ and daily tasks are all about to change and as a melancholic that is difficult since I do not like rapid change. I will be caring for another human being full time in my home and still working with CrMS clients. We will have some help from the insurance home health care worker for a couple weeks so that is a relief! I will have to realize that I have to cut myself some slack with work and family life since I will be learning how to juggle both at this time, which will be very difficult since I have high expectations for myself. I am terrified and feel like there is a moving train that I can not stop; so I either need to hop on or let it hit me. I vote for hop on!    

This is much like motherhood in that the true nature of our femininity needs to shine through and our gifts as women must take over. This is where that "feminine genius" St. JP2 talked about in his apostolic letter, becomes such a powerful tool to heal our broken world. That innate ability to care for others and desire to keep them safe."Grace never casts nature aside or cancels it out but rather perfects it and enobles it." (Mulieris Digitatem par. 5) Femininity and motherhood are made perfect in me through my very nature, even if that nature includes infertility. Motherhood includes the entire person, not just the body parts needed to become a biological mother. 

"The moral and spiritual strength of a woman is joined to her awareness that God entrusts the human being to her in a special way." (Mulieris Digitatem par. 30) Again, this entrusting is not just physical; it includes the entire person. This takes a continuous preparation through out a woman's life. This is uniquely designed for women. Men are not entrusted with the human being in the same capacity a woman is. This is why women are fierce and have so much power in our society, especially women who realize this responsibility. Women who possess this awareness become "an irreplaceable support and source of spiritual strength for other people, who perceive the great energies of her spirit." (Mulieris Dignitatem par. 30) Wow, just wow. Is this not a beautiful goal to strive for? This is is my goal. This is the type of woman and mother I want to be.

No, I am not breastfeeding a baby, changing poopy diapers, homeschooling or dealing with tantrums. I am not caring for little ones or cleaning up their mess. I am not lulling them to sleep or reading bed time stories. I am not worrying about a little ones cough or about the color of their poop. I am making bone broth, making healthy meals for Ma and Pa Crow to eat, helping her brush her teeth, telling her she did great at PT and praying with her when she feels she can not do it. I am brushing her hair, asking what outfit she wants to wear and making sure she does not choke on her food. I am sacrificing my usual amount of alone time and time with JJ because this is more important right now. I am seeing the toll this can take on my marriage and how easily the enemy can try and use this situation to drive a wedge between us.There are days when I am just trying to "get through", and the pile of laundry that needs to be put away or dishes in the sink, just have to wait. I relish my morning prayer time with a cup of tea when I get up early enough before the start of daily tasks. I ask God to help me keep going when I just want to curl up in a ball under my covers and hide from the world. 

I see the dignity of Ma Crow and want to uphold it while I care for her. But then the worry starts to creep in; that you are doing this all wrong because you see others do it so naturally. Being woken up in the middle of the night because the person you are caring for needs help. Being attached to your phone when you are away from the person you are caring for "just in case" that phone call or text is about them needing help. The worry that another stroke can happen to Ma Crow, since they can not really prevent it from happening again, and she is at high risk. I am leaning on the grace of the sacraments; heeding the words of my confessor that "a lung that breathes in also must breathe out" and trying to find a balance between what God is asking me to do vs. what I think I should do. This is motherhood. This is care giving. They are one in the same.

 My ideas of motherhood have been challenged and oddly fulfilled during this time of trial. No, I am not carrying life within my womb. I am mid-cycle right now and we did 5 different novenas the past cycle to conceive in a last ditch effort. I have actually been thankful that we don't have small children to care for at this time so that we can focus on helping Ma Crow. I feel that these past 7 years of infertility have trained me for such a time as this.  I am carrying life in my soul. That life is Jesus Christ and He is the life of the world. This is my calling as a woman: to bring Christ to the world around me in each situation I encounter. This is going to make me the care giver that Ma Crow deserves to have. This is going to transform and sanctify my soul. I know I will be very challenged in the coming weeks and months especially with regards to introversion, privacy and perfectionism. So, prayers would be greatly appreciated for us all! Finally, I think St. JPII says it better than I ever could: 

"The Church gives thanks for all the manifestations of the feminine 'genius' which have appeared in the course of history, in the midst of all peoples and nations; she gives thanks for all the charisms which the Holy Spirit distributes to women in the history of the People of God, for all the victories which she owes to their faith, hope and charity: she gives thanks for all the fruits of feminine holiness." (Mulieris Digitatem par. 31)

What would our world be like if more women answered this call or realized this awareness? What would your world look like? How would you go about your daily tasks differently?                            

When NFP Sucks...

I know, not what you would expect from me huh? The NFP loving CrMS teaching practitioner is saying that NFP is a form of sacrifice and it sucks at times. All those posters and brochures about NFP are of happy smiling couples; so why is it so hard for some? Well it just is. Like anything in life, it's not something we want to have to do. Can't we just get what we want right away with out having to do any work? It's the American culture, right? 

All of my many CrMS charts which hold 6 months of charting so that is at least 5 years of my life right here! Not to mention the 3 STM charts I had previously before starting CrMS so that is another 3 years...

"Kat, I'll be honest; I feel complacent. Why am I doing this?" 

"Why can't I just go see the Dr. right away? Why do I have to chart two cycles with you and delay the process of seeing the Dr.?" 

"How did we conceive? That was suppose to be a dry/infertile day?" 

"What's going on in my chart? I am so frustrated!"  

"I am scared to get pregnant again! The last one had so many complications and my kids need me." 

"I don't want to do this but my priest is making me take these classes before I get married." 

"I feel so messed up and broken inside like my body knows what normal is and does the opposite." 

"Is today a 'safe' day?" 

"I just want to know when I can have sex with my wife again."

"This has been hard on our marriage!" 

"I thought this was suppose to be easy!" 

I have heard all of these platitudes from clients in the last 3 years of teaching CrMS. I have walked along side every difficulty with my clients as well as wrestling with my own NFP difficulty. The truth is that NFP, however you are using it, is not always easy. I have clients who find it very easy to do and have been able to postpone a pregnancy for a year and then get pregnant on their 1st cycle trying to conceive. I have people who love this and even want to teach it someday. I have people who get pregnant after 6 months of using CrMS after 2 years of prior infertility. 

I also have the tough cases. The ones we NFP teachers are afraid to talk about because we don't want to scare anyone away from NFP. The ones who are still infertile despite the best charting and normal looking cycles even with cooperative medical treatment, umm hello that's me! The ones that were seriously trying to avoid a pregnancy, followed instructions and still became pregnant. 

We got a call last night around 8:30pm, we usually don't answer calls at that time since JJ has to go to sleep by 9pm or so. JJ answered the phone before I could yell say "don't answer it!" It turns out it was a man inquiring about CrMS but he already had a practitioner. He wanted to see if there was another one closer to them. My husband told him we were the only ones around his area which isn't a far drive but its not convenient for them. Well after talking to him for about 20 minutes my husband realized this man just wanted encouragement to keep going with learning CrMS. He and his wife have 5 kids and he is motivated to stick with Church teaching and not use contraception but his wife is not. This man just needed someone to acknowledge his struggle and say he was doing a good job. I am so glad JJ answered the phone even though I initially was upset because he needed to wake up at 3am the next morning for work!

This man's story is no different from many I know where they have a love/hate relationship with NFP. They love the idea of it with the lower divorce rate, better communication with your spouse and knowledge about a woman's overall health and fertility. What is difficult is when we are met with challenges to something that seems so beautiful in its ideology and difficult in its practice. We want a magic wand to wave away the difficulties so we can go on with normal life and not have to analyze our cervical fluids everyday. 

Here is the thing y'all; NFP is just more difficult for some of us. There are various reasons it can be difficult which include, but are not limited to, the observations, charting, instructions, timed intercourse with your spouse or ,despite you following the method 100%, you are still not getting the desired results. I am here to encourage you to keep going if NFP is something you need to do. This is why the Church says that if you are going to avoid a pregnancy by periodic abstinence during the fertile days of a woman's cycle it must be for a serious reason. NFP makes you realize whether or not your reasons are serious because who among those with difficult cases and fertility signs would do this if they did not have to! For those who find NFP difficult because they have not been able to achieve a pregnancy or figure out why they keep losing babies, I am right there with you. You have a special place in my heart and God initially called me to teach CrMS because of you. 

Some of us may feel lied to because NFP was touted as an easy way to "plan our family" but that is not always the case. They never mentioned the struggle before. They never mentioned that not all of us get exactly what we want or what we think we want out of planning our family naturally. Not all of us have perfectly "normal" easy to read signs of fertility. Not all of us have predictable fertility. As someone who is not getting what she wants from NFP and teaches it, sometimes I feel like an impostor for teaching about NFP because it has not "worked" for me. I know I am a rare case and most people can use NFP with out too much trouble. NFP has not given me a living child but it has helped me to uncover some serious issues and get them treated appropriately. It has allowed me to know so much about my body and assist my doctor in treating me. Good things aside, it has not always been easy.  

I know this is a huge reason why I teach CrMS. Not just because I have a natural knack for understanding this subject, but for those of us that fall outside of the spectrum of the norm. The hardest part of NFP is trusting God with your family size. Trusting that His will is better than your will. Since I have experience in learning to trust God's will as well as still struggle with it, I can better understand those who are experiencing difficulty with NFP. Even though their situation may not be the same as mine I can understand wanting to rip your charts, burn your books and toss your thermometer in the trash. But for those of us where NFP is necessary at this time and are sticking with it despite the difficulties, I commend you. I pat you on the back, give you a standing ovation and high five you. I sometimes question right along with you; why can't it be easier? I am here with you, walking my journey too.           

Love Story: Her Version

This weekend I am giving a talk at a teen chastity retreat. The theme of the retreat is "Love Story" I will be speaking on contraceptives and their harmful effects. JJ and I will also be giving our testimony about our love story. So I thought it might be fun to do each of our versions of our story. So here goes mine:

Where to start with me and JJ, I feel like we have always been together. There have been times when I have asked him "remember when we were kids and I..." then he looks at me strange and says " No, I don't remember because I wasn't there." It is hard for me to remember him not being in my life! I don't remember ever officially meeting him. JJ played football so I probably called out his jersey number and name or tossed him his football playing uniform dozens of times. You see we went to the same high school, JJ was two grades ahead of me. My older brother went to the same high school and played football, he passed down his love of the game to me. I LOVE football so naturally I wanted to be involved with the team somehow. So I decided to help out with stats and team management. Most of the girls who did it just wanted to be around the football players they liked. Not me, I wanted to be able to see the game from the sidelines! So we have never officially "met." My first vivid memory of him was when we were all on the bus on the way home from a game we had just won. I remember the guys chanting JJ's last name not because he was the star of the game but because they wanted him to "bust a flow" aka freestyle rap, which JJ is very good at. I remember thinking he had a strange last name, haha joke is on me!

During high school is when I had my reversion to the Church so I started going to the local Catholic church's youth group per the invitation from two friends. I had been going through a lot in my life and was desperate to find answers and be loved, I was really desperate for God actually. I found a home in the youth group with peers that had a similar longing. JJ was in this same youth group and we got along quite well, a lot of people got along with JJ because of his shyness and ability to blend in with people. At this time I was not necessarily wanting to date JJ, I was actually dating somebody else but I remember thinking how much I liked my conversations with JJ. I liked being able to hang out and talk to him without romantic notions. JJ had become my brother in Christ and my friend.

After high school I went to the same community college as JJ and a handful of other friends from our youth group. We would all hang out after classes, go to daily Mass and grab a quick bite of lunch before our afternoon classes. It was such a blessed time! None of us were dating so it was nice to have a deep fellowship with one another and not think about dating. A few of us decided to join the Gospel choir of the school, that decision changed forever how I felt about JJ. I really love music and singing and so does JJ and JJ can really sing. He got a solo for one of our concerts and despite his shy nature he did very well. That was the year I noticed that I was attracted to him, I am blushing as I think about it. After I noticed these feelings I prayed that God would take them away because they were too complicated and I did not want to ruin our friendships with each other and everybody else. If these feelings were to come to light the group dynamic would change besides I was pretty sure he did not feel the same. He had actually talked to me about a couple of girls he liked and I gave him some advice that was probably biased ;)

To get my mind off of these feelings I started hanging out with the next guy that came along, so that I could forget these feelings for JJ. In reality I should have clung to God instead of trying to distract myself. JJ started to date somebody else, so I needed to distance myself emotionally. JJ and I were still friends and talked about deep things like we always did but it was different. I remember JJ scolding me for hanging out with this guy and saying "Kat you're standing at the gate of hell and you need to turn back!" I always wondered why he felt so strongly that I needed to stay away from this guy, how did he know the relationship was impure? I cried when JJ said those words to me at the time I felt that he was judging me but I also knew it came from his deep concern for me not just physically but my soul. After that I scolded JJ about his relationship too! We were both growing farther away from God and knew we needed to ask Jesus to straighten out our lives.

Me and my NET sisters. Oh  how I love these beautiful women!

After that I decided to do a missionary year with NET ministries. It was nice to get away and start fresh with God. I left for NET and JJ stayed in college. I did not talk to him much while I was gone just when I was back for Christmas and once on the phone in February while I was in Seattle a few months before I came home. After those conversations I noticed those feelings for JJ again and instead of ignoring them this time, I gave them to God and pleaded with Him to take them away. When I came back from NET I felt so grounded in my relationship with Jesus, He was my main Man. I was also considering entering the Carmelite sisters while I was on NET and when I cam home. I love the Carmelites and was open to religious life. I realize now that I was trying to get away from my feelings and abandoning my complicated relationships so I could hide from them in a monastery. I decided to do the 33day Marian consecration so that it would end on July 16th OLMC feast day and my birthday! JJ and another friend wanted to do it too, so we said we would keep each other accountable. The other friend dropped out suddenly, so it was just me and JJ doing the consecration. We decided to talk on the phone once a week and check in with each other on Sundays after Mass. Oh Mary my Mother, I see what you were doing at the time.

That summer of August 2005 a bunch of young adult friends decided to go to the beach and have a bon fire. It was there that those pesky feelings came back in full force. It was there that JJ and I had another one of our deep conversations about God, religious life vs. married life and what the heck we were gonna do with our lives. I remember telling JJ that if he felt God was calling him to something he needed to go for it and pursue it, no looking back! I told him that if God was "dangling the carrot" in front of him then he needed to step out in faith and reach for it. At the time I thought JJ was thinking about the priesthood so I wanted to encourage him to go for it, in reality I was encouraging him to pursue me!

JJ and I after a retreat. He carved our intials in the log :)

Later that month at a Catholic conference after an intense prayer session JJ told me of his feelings for me. I knew how hard it was for him to have the courage to do that and I think I fell in love with him right then and there. We talked for an hour about how hard this would be and the complications it would bring in our friendships. I was also mad at him for not telling me sooner, though I knew it would not have been the right time before then. I could not believe that he liked me! My heart was full of joy but I was still very apprehensive. I said we should really take some time to pray about it before we started anything. After adoration that night I pulled JJ aside and told him that this felt right and I felt peace about it. On Sunday I told my mother what was going on and she was shocked, she kept saying "JJ?! Are you sure? JJ?! You all are such good friends and he is so shy!" After picking her jaw up from the floor she urged me not to talk about it to people until we had all prayed about it. Well apparently someone saw the attraction between JJ and I at the conference and started spreading some rumors about us. My mom heard of this and was pissed not at me but that people would talk about us behind our back instead of talking directly to me or JJ, we were adults after all.

After that fiasco JJ and I decided to distance ourselves from each other to pray and discern for three months. We talked on the phone a few times and hung out a few times during that time to see how things were going. It was so hard not to be around him as much as I wanted but I knew that if it were God's will then we would have our time together. During that time I spent a lot of time in front of the Blessed Sacrament and seeking guidance from the Carmelite Sisters, who I was working with at the time. I spoke to my mom about it a lot and asked some of my NET sisters to pray for me during this time. After the three months we talked and JJ wanted to start courting. I took the discernment time differently I thought we were just thinking about praying to start a courtship! He wanted to spring into action and I wanted to pray about it for another month. After that month I issued JJ a challenge he had to talk to and get the approval of three people before we started courting. I really put him through a big challenge on this one but he did it anyway for me. It was important to me that I knew he took this as serious as I did, that our friendship would never be the same if we started courting. I did not want the struggle that it took to get to this point to be in vain. I was also protecting my heart because I knew how strong my feelings were for him and I wanted to be sure he was willing to go the distnace for us.

After JJ spoke to the people I had asked him to we started officially courting on January 6th, 2006. Our first date was hilarious as JJ was trying to take me to a restaraunt that he had no idea closed down months prior. We walked for an hour up and down Old Town Pasadena looking for this place and I finally asked him where we were suppose to be going and I had to tell him that the place closed down. We had a good laugh and went to eat at the Cheesecake Factory instead. A few weeks later we told each other "I love you" after praying a rosary at a coffee shop. I knew when we started courting that we would get married but we talked about it more seriously about 9 months after dating.

JJ and I @ a friend's wedding, 5 weeks before ours!

On our one year anniversary is when JJ proposed. JJ really had to hide things from me because I am such a detective I would have figured out what was going on. He took me to church to our prayer spot and sang me a song he wrote as part of the proposal. It could not have been better had I planned it myself, God truly knows what He is doing! During our courtship and engagement we would pray a rosary together every Sunday to ask for Our Lady's intercession. We knew that God wanted big things from us and we wanted to make sure our wedding day reflected how we wanted our lives to be, prayerful and seeking God's will.

 Our engagement was beautiful and blessed though it was tough to keep ourselves chaste. When you are engaged you can see the end of the tunnel and impatience grows stronger so we stepped up the prayer and fasting. We would have fasting days of no physical contact with each other and go on mini retreats in the park. The actual wedding prep. was pretty easy, so many people offered to pay for this or that so our wedding Mass and reception were very communal. We took NFP classes as part of our marriage prep. and really liked it despite our quirky teachers. We both knew NFP was going to be a big part of our family life. We got married on Dec. 15, 2007 at 1pm. It was a sunny day with big puffy white clouds it was not cold, this is SoCal after all.

Our wedding day

We got to go to our reception in my dream car a 1957 Chevy Bel Air :)

So that is the story of how we got to this point as husband and wife. There is much more to it with all its drama and angst but this is the abbridged version. Thanks for reading next time it will be JJ's version!

Today, still more in love than ever :)

      

Love Story: His Version

JJ's Perspective...

I first remember seeing Kat running across the football field during practice apparently she was one of the stat girls for the team. I remember thinking how stunningly beautiful she was but me being extra shy I never pursued her and I didn't notice her after that until... We first met at Life Teen though I don't remember actually meeting her, everyone just kind of hung out together.

We really became friends when we went to the same college and went to noon Mass with about five or six of our other friends. I always thought that she was very attractive in both her physical beauty and personality. I probably would have pursued her then but there was an unspoken rule that she was already taken. So we were nothing more than close friends. There were many times during those good old college days that I wanted to let my feelings be known but it was just not the right time.

She went on NET and I put her in the back of my mind. I concentrated on graduating from college and getting my career started. I was really trying to discern what God wanted me to do with my life so I looked into different religious orders. I found the Carmelite Friars appealing and wanted to visit them. Through my discernment and some direct signs from God I felt more called to the marriage vocation. But who was to be my wife?

At about this time Kat came back from NET. When I saw her, something was very different and I somehow knew that she was the one. I needed time to discern if this was truly the will of God because it seemed too good. We went back to hanging out with our group of friends and I didn't know what I was suppose to do about my feelings for her. I really gave it all to God in prayer and asked Him to direct me.

After some months went by the young adult group went to a Catholic conference. There was a social gathering with music and dancing so I asked Kat to dance with me. As we twirled about the floor I thought "holy crap! This is it." What was I going to do? The next day at the conference after a long prayer session I let her know my feelings for her and to my joy her feelings were similar. So we decided to really pray about our relationship because it seemed so right yet so complicated.

After months of prayer and preparation we started our courtship. It was a fun and blessed time and we got to know each other and our families even more. I knew all along that I wanted to marry her. But when? After a year I proposed, on two knees, and she said yes. We were engaged for 11 months and that felt like such a long time. We had fun planning our wedding and so many people were willing to help. We wanted to be married already, but the date was set and we had to wait. By the way, I do not recommend long engagements.

Our wedding day finally came and it was one of the most blessed days of my life. Everything worked out perfectly and there were many pleasant surprises; like the classic car that drove us to our reception. That day we vowed to spend our lives together and to this day it has been more wonderful than I could have hoped for. The End.

Right Place, Wrong Time?

Let me preface this post by saying that I love my husband very much and I am so blessed to be married to him. I will refer to my husband as JJ on my blog from now on.

To understand this post you need a little bit of background information. I have known of JJ for 14 years and have known him as a friend for almost 12 yrs. We went to the same high school and he was two grades ahead of me. I knew of JJ because he played football and I did the stats, uniform organization and water for the football teams at our HS.

We started to become friends my Jr. year when he started college. We hung out because we went to the same church and were in the youth group. We became better friends when I graduated HS and went to the same college. My second semester at college we were in gospel choir together along with some other friends. That semester is when we both knew we liked each other but neither of us said anything so nothing came of it. We were still really good friends and could talk to each other about almost anything (except for that fact that we liked each other)!

We would talk about being open to religious life and how awesome the Carmelite order is and I would try and get him to talk more because JJ was very shy back then. Then about a year or so later I went on NET and opened my heart more to the possibility of becoming a Carmelite even though my heart's desire was always to be a wife and a mother. During that year JJ was doing the same thing, discerning with different orders and as much as he tried to go to the Discalced Carmelite Friar house it just never worked out. So he started to pursue what career he should have and God opened the doors for him to go into the electrical trade.

After I came back from NET I really wanted to know if I was called to the Carmelite sisters so I started to work for them and spend a lot more time with the sisters. Why the Carmelites? Well, JJ and I are very Carmelite in our spirituality so much so that our honeymoon was in Carmel, CA plus, my bday is the feast of OLMC. As much as my desire for the Carmelite order grew I knew I was not called to be a sister and those feelings for JJ started to come back even though I tried to ignore them for as long as I possibly could. I will not bore you with the details and drama behind how we got together let's just say it was interesting.  

Now what does this have to do with IF? Well there have been times during this IF journey where I have questioned my vocation. Since JJ and I were very open to becoming Carmelites I have wondered if that is where we were really suppose to be. Thoughts like did I make the right choice to get married?  What If I became a Carmelite sister, I would not be going through IF? Why would we be called to marriage but not be able to have children? Why Lord, would you call us away from the safe haven of Carmel to suffer like this? The last two questions were very difficult for me to ask God because I love my husband very much and I love Carmel very much.

I have also thought about the timing of our relationship, marriage, and TTC like we were in the right place at the wrong time. Should we have gotten married sooner? Should my husband and I have started to court sooner than we did, like when we first started to like each other? Should we have tried to have children once we got married instead of waiting a year to figure out my wonky cycles? Did we waste our time? Our we wasting our time now not TTC for health reasons?     

IF does not just affect your confidence in who you are as a woman but it can also affect your confidence as a wife and your vocation. I remember apologizing to my husband that he got me as a wife because of my lack of fertility and he would get so mad and tell me not to talk about his wife that way. I know now not to do that because it is wrong and it is another way the devil wants to kick you when you are down. Obviously the answer to all these questions is simple, God has me exactly where He wants me. I know that JJ and I are suppose to be married and God has revealed to me in a lot of ways why JJ and I are called to be husband and wife. Whether or not you have questioned your vocation God has each of us where we are for a reason and I have learned to stop trying to figure out the reason. All we have to do is keep moving forward with His grace! Our Lady of Mount Carmel, Pray for us!

p.s Next time I will have a guest blogger! If you would like to be a guest blogger here, you can contact me by leaving a comment here or on our Facebook.