Letting Go of "The Precious"

For all of you Lord of the Rings geeks out there, you know what I am talking about when you read the title. For all of you non cool people out there who don't know much about The Hobbit or the Lord of the Rings series, I will break it down for you. There is a ring that is very powerful that everyone wants so that they can be all powerful and in control. The catch is the ring makes you go cray cray because your desire for it drives you mad and you turn inward instead of using the power of the ring to do what is good for all. The ring is referred to as "my precious" to the person who wishes to possess it and it becomes an idol. The ring brings out the worst part of the characters, but for some reason, Hobbits are immune to the ring's evil powers for a longer period of time than other creatures. Perhaps that is because Hobbits are simple creatures who are happy and content with their lives. They are not overly superficial, but they love to have fun and joke around. They work when they need to work, play when they need to play, rest when they need to rest and eat when the need eat. Actually, their eating habits may be out of control... Anyway so back to my point. Hobbits lead a well ordered life; which is their main endearing quality. I always feel that I am part hobbit because I love my quiet time and my little hobbit hole, plus I eat about 6 times a day!

Why am I bringing up Hobbits and a magical ring? Well, we all have something or someone that we consider precious; it may even be an ideal that you consider precious. It's something you hold on so tight to that the thought of letting it go seems so unbearable it would make you go crazy and you are not even sure you could really let it go. It may be that job you really want, the idea of being married but you are still single, financial wealth, being seen as perfect or it can even be your own children. For me, "my precious" is getting pregnant again and adopting. Yup, I want both. There have been times where I feel like I can totally trust God with our family and feel the peace of "God's timing" and all that. Then, there have been times where I feel so sorrowful and want to control the situation where I feel like I would try any amount of summersaults to get pregnant. The original desire is good, but because of my human nature and concupiscence, I distort this desire. I want to control it and make it happen instead of trusting God completely with this desire or "precious."

Over these many years of infertility I have been working on letting "my precious" go. This past year, that was a huge theme in my life and I finally started to feel comfortable and HAPPY in my current situation. Therapy has been a huge part of that process for me. I have recently discovered that JJ's "precious" is his mother, Ma Crow. I don't want to get too much into JJ's story, for that is his to tell when he is ready. Just like infertility has been such a cross for me to bear, JJ's cross has been seeing his mother in such need and knowing he can not heal her instantly.  I have never seen my husband struggle so much internally and spiritually. I have known him for fifteen years and in that time he has always been the constant, quiet and steady man of faith. I could see how letting go of Ma Crow and trusting God completely with her healing would be difficult (understatement) because if this were my mother, I would be the same way.

Now the part of the journey is going to get harder since Ma Crow will be leaving our home this upcoming week and going to live with my SIL for a few months. She is over an hour away and it will be a difficult transition for JJ and for myself. We will not get to see her everyday. We will probably see her every other weekend. That is such a drastic change! JJ has to go back to work at the beginning of February and my client load is growing rapidly again, so we can no longer be her 24/7 care takers. It was so sad coming to this reality and having to have the conversation with Ma Crow. We all cried and have been a bit mopey since then.

Ma Crow has become so very precious and important to me in these last 6 months, especially since her stroke, and even more so these past 8 weeks that she has been living with us. The thing is, it is not in the same way as the "precious" would be. For some reason, God is giving me peace about the whole situation; maybe because I have been through this process of letting go of something and someone so dear to me. For JJ, this is his mother, the woman who gave birth to him, nursed him, bathed him and held him when he cried. The woman who gave him advice on what to do as an adult and told him what kind of woman to marry. He has always been able to shoot the breeze with her while having a cup of coffee and understand her because they are so alike. When he started earning money on his own as an adult he used to buy her flowers once in awhile just to make sure she felt special. Now, because of the stroke, most of the times she forgets things that just happened. Sometimes she does not understand what he is trying to say or she is not present because her brain is trying to figure something out. She is different from who she was before the stroke. Since JJ has known her all his life, his experience is totally different from mine.

A friend asked me the other day "I know you love your MIL, but do you like her?" My answer was a very hearty yes! Since her and JJ have both the same primary and secondary temperaments, I really like being around her. We even did the 200 temperament question with her just to confirm our suspicions about her temperament. She is a bit too much of a smart ass for me at times, but then again, so is JJ. I love that she reminds me of Minnesota and the cordiality of the Midwest. She is not haughty, but very down to earth. Plus, she is practical, simple and does not like extravagant things. All of these qualities that I fell in love with about JJ, I have learned, come from his mother. I did not think I could even last a month with her living with us and now I can not imagine her not being here. This is not to say that this has not been difficult all around; on our marriage especially. It has not been sunshine and rainbows. We have been impatient with one another and have seen each other's ugly side. Ma Crow, JJ and I have definitely had some intense arguments, but we have worked through it all together.

I have gotten to know my mother in law in ways that most daughters in law never get to. I have gotten to care for her in such a close, personal and downright awkward way. I can't imagine what it feels like for her to have her daughter in law help bathe her, clothe her and even inspect her poop! What a gift and privilege it has been for me to care for her! She has taught me so much, but the biggest lesson I have learned is that motherhood is not as scary as I think it is. Our relationship is not the normal cordial one you have with in laws where you share a common love for this person you are connected to. Now, we share a common love for one another, and not the gushy love, but the real love where you have seen the person's flaws and weaknesses and still choose to love them.

I am going to miss her being in our home, even in as close a quarters as we have lived. I will miss her daily wise cracks and her saying, "Thank God she did not become a Carmelite Jack, or we would not be eating so well" or, "Thank you for the gift of self." I will miss her and JJ cracking up about something while I am cooking in the kitchen. I will miss her saying "Tien cuidado", every time I go to leave for work. I know I will still get to see her and talk to her, but it won't be as much as it has been. I was talking with a friend on how hard this will be for JJ and she said, "Well you guys can't hog all the blessings. Since she has been such a blessing to you, maybe God wants to bless the other family members with spending more time with her." That is so true for us to remember; we are not the only ones who can care for her or who want to care for her! It is not all about what is best for us, it is what is best for all involved at this time.

I have learned that by letting go of "my precious" it is a continual letting go. As we loosen the grip on what we want to control we can grasp on to the hem of Jesus' garment more. As we let go, we are more free to love and give of ourselves as a self gift to whomever is before us. This week is going to be a tough one as we will be going to my SIL's to transition Ma Crow. We have to trust that God has the timeline for her healing in control. JJ has to let go of his "precious" and I need to support him through this. I need to be his Samwise Gamgee right now. Please pray for us all during this transition, especially pray for peace, Ma Crow's healing and my SIL and her family as they welcome Ma Crow into their home.

Love Story: Her Version

This weekend I am giving a talk at a teen chastity retreat. The theme of the retreat is "Love Story" I will be speaking on contraceptives and their harmful effects. JJ and I will also be giving our testimony about our love story. So I thought it might be fun to do each of our versions of our story. So here goes mine:

Where to start with me and JJ, I feel like we have always been together. There have been times when I have asked him "remember when we were kids and I..." then he looks at me strange and says " No, I don't remember because I wasn't there." It is hard for me to remember him not being in my life! I don't remember ever officially meeting him. JJ played football so I probably called out his jersey number and name or tossed him his football playing uniform dozens of times. You see we went to the same high school, JJ was two grades ahead of me. My older brother went to the same high school and played football, he passed down his love of the game to me. I LOVE football so naturally I wanted to be involved with the team somehow. So I decided to help out with stats and team management. Most of the girls who did it just wanted to be around the football players they liked. Not me, I wanted to be able to see the game from the sidelines! So we have never officially "met." My first vivid memory of him was when we were all on the bus on the way home from a game we had just won. I remember the guys chanting JJ's last name not because he was the star of the game but because they wanted him to "bust a flow" aka freestyle rap, which JJ is very good at. I remember thinking he had a strange last name, haha joke is on me!

During high school is when I had my reversion to the Church so I started going to the local Catholic church's youth group per the invitation from two friends. I had been going through a lot in my life and was desperate to find answers and be loved, I was really desperate for God actually. I found a home in the youth group with peers that had a similar longing. JJ was in this same youth group and we got along quite well, a lot of people got along with JJ because of his shyness and ability to blend in with people. At this time I was not necessarily wanting to date JJ, I was actually dating somebody else but I remember thinking how much I liked my conversations with JJ. I liked being able to hang out and talk to him without romantic notions. JJ had become my brother in Christ and my friend.

After high school I went to the same community college as JJ and a handful of other friends from our youth group. We would all hang out after classes, go to daily Mass and grab a quick bite of lunch before our afternoon classes. It was such a blessed time! None of us were dating so it was nice to have a deep fellowship with one another and not think about dating. A few of us decided to join the Gospel choir of the school, that decision changed forever how I felt about JJ. I really love music and singing and so does JJ and JJ can really sing. He got a solo for one of our concerts and despite his shy nature he did very well. That was the year I noticed that I was attracted to him, I am blushing as I think about it. After I noticed these feelings I prayed that God would take them away because they were too complicated and I did not want to ruin our friendships with each other and everybody else. If these feelings were to come to light the group dynamic would change besides I was pretty sure he did not feel the same. He had actually talked to me about a couple of girls he liked and I gave him some advice that was probably biased ;)

To get my mind off of these feelings I started hanging out with the next guy that came along, so that I could forget these feelings for JJ. In reality I should have clung to God instead of trying to distract myself. JJ started to date somebody else, so I needed to distance myself emotionally. JJ and I were still friends and talked about deep things like we always did but it was different. I remember JJ scolding me for hanging out with this guy and saying "Kat you're standing at the gate of hell and you need to turn back!" I always wondered why he felt so strongly that I needed to stay away from this guy, how did he know the relationship was impure? I cried when JJ said those words to me at the time I felt that he was judging me but I also knew it came from his deep concern for me not just physically but my soul. After that I scolded JJ about his relationship too! We were both growing farther away from God and knew we needed to ask Jesus to straighten out our lives.

Me and my NET sisters. Oh  how I love these beautiful women!

After that I decided to do a missionary year with NET ministries. It was nice to get away and start fresh with God. I left for NET and JJ stayed in college. I did not talk to him much while I was gone just when I was back for Christmas and once on the phone in February while I was in Seattle a few months before I came home. After those conversations I noticed those feelings for JJ again and instead of ignoring them this time, I gave them to God and pleaded with Him to take them away. When I came back from NET I felt so grounded in my relationship with Jesus, He was my main Man. I was also considering entering the Carmelite sisters while I was on NET and when I cam home. I love the Carmelites and was open to religious life. I realize now that I was trying to get away from my feelings and abandoning my complicated relationships so I could hide from them in a monastery. I decided to do the 33day Marian consecration so that it would end on July 16th OLMC feast day and my birthday! JJ and another friend wanted to do it too, so we said we would keep each other accountable. The other friend dropped out suddenly, so it was just me and JJ doing the consecration. We decided to talk on the phone once a week and check in with each other on Sundays after Mass. Oh Mary my Mother, I see what you were doing at the time.

That summer of August 2005 a bunch of young adult friends decided to go to the beach and have a bon fire. It was there that those pesky feelings came back in full force. It was there that JJ and I had another one of our deep conversations about God, religious life vs. married life and what the heck we were gonna do with our lives. I remember telling JJ that if he felt God was calling him to something he needed to go for it and pursue it, no looking back! I told him that if God was "dangling the carrot" in front of him then he needed to step out in faith and reach for it. At the time I thought JJ was thinking about the priesthood so I wanted to encourage him to go for it, in reality I was encouraging him to pursue me!

JJ and I after a retreat. He carved our intials in the log :)

Later that month at a Catholic conference after an intense prayer session JJ told me of his feelings for me. I knew how hard it was for him to have the courage to do that and I think I fell in love with him right then and there. We talked for an hour about how hard this would be and the complications it would bring in our friendships. I was also mad at him for not telling me sooner, though I knew it would not have been the right time before then. I could not believe that he liked me! My heart was full of joy but I was still very apprehensive. I said we should really take some time to pray about it before we started anything. After adoration that night I pulled JJ aside and told him that this felt right and I felt peace about it. On Sunday I told my mother what was going on and she was shocked, she kept saying "JJ?! Are you sure? JJ?! You all are such good friends and he is so shy!" After picking her jaw up from the floor she urged me not to talk about it to people until we had all prayed about it. Well apparently someone saw the attraction between JJ and I at the conference and started spreading some rumors about us. My mom heard of this and was pissed not at me but that people would talk about us behind our back instead of talking directly to me or JJ, we were adults after all.

After that fiasco JJ and I decided to distance ourselves from each other to pray and discern for three months. We talked on the phone a few times and hung out a few times during that time to see how things were going. It was so hard not to be around him as much as I wanted but I knew that if it were God's will then we would have our time together. During that time I spent a lot of time in front of the Blessed Sacrament and seeking guidance from the Carmelite Sisters, who I was working with at the time. I spoke to my mom about it a lot and asked some of my NET sisters to pray for me during this time. After the three months we talked and JJ wanted to start courting. I took the discernment time differently I thought we were just thinking about praying to start a courtship! He wanted to spring into action and I wanted to pray about it for another month. After that month I issued JJ a challenge he had to talk to and get the approval of three people before we started courting. I really put him through a big challenge on this one but he did it anyway for me. It was important to me that I knew he took this as serious as I did, that our friendship would never be the same if we started courting. I did not want the struggle that it took to get to this point to be in vain. I was also protecting my heart because I knew how strong my feelings were for him and I wanted to be sure he was willing to go the distnace for us.

After JJ spoke to the people I had asked him to we started officially courting on January 6th, 2006. Our first date was hilarious as JJ was trying to take me to a restaraunt that he had no idea closed down months prior. We walked for an hour up and down Old Town Pasadena looking for this place and I finally asked him where we were suppose to be going and I had to tell him that the place closed down. We had a good laugh and went to eat at the Cheesecake Factory instead. A few weeks later we told each other "I love you" after praying a rosary at a coffee shop. I knew when we started courting that we would get married but we talked about it more seriously about 9 months after dating.

JJ and I @ a friend's wedding, 5 weeks before ours!

On our one year anniversary is when JJ proposed. JJ really had to hide things from me because I am such a detective I would have figured out what was going on. He took me to church to our prayer spot and sang me a song he wrote as part of the proposal. It could not have been better had I planned it myself, God truly knows what He is doing! During our courtship and engagement we would pray a rosary together every Sunday to ask for Our Lady's intercession. We knew that God wanted big things from us and we wanted to make sure our wedding day reflected how we wanted our lives to be, prayerful and seeking God's will.

 Our engagement was beautiful and blessed though it was tough to keep ourselves chaste. When you are engaged you can see the end of the tunnel and impatience grows stronger so we stepped up the prayer and fasting. We would have fasting days of no physical contact with each other and go on mini retreats in the park. The actual wedding prep. was pretty easy, so many people offered to pay for this or that so our wedding Mass and reception were very communal. We took NFP classes as part of our marriage prep. and really liked it despite our quirky teachers. We both knew NFP was going to be a big part of our family life. We got married on Dec. 15, 2007 at 1pm. It was a sunny day with big puffy white clouds it was not cold, this is SoCal after all.

Our wedding day

We got to go to our reception in my dream car a 1957 Chevy Bel Air :)

So that is the story of how we got to this point as husband and wife. There is much more to it with all its drama and angst but this is the abbridged version. Thanks for reading next time it will be JJ's version!

Today, still more in love than ever :)

      

Love Story: His Version

JJ's Perspective...

I first remember seeing Kat running across the football field during practice apparently she was one of the stat girls for the team. I remember thinking how stunningly beautiful she was but me being extra shy I never pursued her and I didn't notice her after that until... We first met at Life Teen though I don't remember actually meeting her, everyone just kind of hung out together.

We really became friends when we went to the same college and went to noon Mass with about five or six of our other friends. I always thought that she was very attractive in both her physical beauty and personality. I probably would have pursued her then but there was an unspoken rule that she was already taken. So we were nothing more than close friends. There were many times during those good old college days that I wanted to let my feelings be known but it was just not the right time.

She went on NET and I put her in the back of my mind. I concentrated on graduating from college and getting my career started. I was really trying to discern what God wanted me to do with my life so I looked into different religious orders. I found the Carmelite Friars appealing and wanted to visit them. Through my discernment and some direct signs from God I felt more called to the marriage vocation. But who was to be my wife?

At about this time Kat came back from NET. When I saw her, something was very different and I somehow knew that she was the one. I needed time to discern if this was truly the will of God because it seemed too good. We went back to hanging out with our group of friends and I didn't know what I was suppose to do about my feelings for her. I really gave it all to God in prayer and asked Him to direct me.

After some months went by the young adult group went to a Catholic conference. There was a social gathering with music and dancing so I asked Kat to dance with me. As we twirled about the floor I thought "holy crap! This is it." What was I going to do? The next day at the conference after a long prayer session I let her know my feelings for her and to my joy her feelings were similar. So we decided to really pray about our relationship because it seemed so right yet so complicated.

After months of prayer and preparation we started our courtship. It was a fun and blessed time and we got to know each other and our families even more. I knew all along that I wanted to marry her. But when? After a year I proposed, on two knees, and she said yes. We were engaged for 11 months and that felt like such a long time. We had fun planning our wedding and so many people were willing to help. We wanted to be married already, but the date was set and we had to wait. By the way, I do not recommend long engagements.

Our wedding day finally came and it was one of the most blessed days of my life. Everything worked out perfectly and there were many pleasant surprises; like the classic car that drove us to our reception. That day we vowed to spend our lives together and to this day it has been more wonderful than I could have hoped for. The End.